To ask what your dp does to help around the house / with kids

[PanicBoo]

I feel my dp doesn't do much with regards to house / kids. He says he does. He does bits but I don't think it's very significant and wonder what it's like for others.

What he does:
Change nappies - mornings mostly. Rest of the day is usually me.
Will get youngest ready in the morning - sometimes
Will load / unload dishwasher
Empty bins
Will tidy up after eating
Sometimes makes breakfasts for kids.
Hoovers when he feels like it.
Shopping - I don't go very often
Cleaning car - never me

What he never/ hardly does:
Reads to kids - never
Homework with kids - never
Bathe kids - never
Play with kids - hardly
Dusting/ deep clean of any room. - never
Never would clean the cooker or fridge or anything like that.
Never takes kids out on their own. I do often or we go out as a family together.
Clean bathroom - very rarely
Doesn't cook. Ever. All on me.

There's lots of other stuff I can list but you get the picture. I honestly feel like I have all the responsibly for the kids and house and he just wipes a babies bum and thinks he's done for most of the day. It's making me really resent him.

AIBU to think he doesn't do that much or is he right and I'm expecting too much.

Mine is the same as yours, he probably does a bit less. We usually have a cleaner for 10 hours a week. I have tried to discuss it as adults with no results. He is lacking in empathy and does not care about me. For those asking how we get in these situations - mine did not start off like this at all. I can tell he is reverting to his family scenario which is where the mum does everything and the dad does nothing and comes and goes as he pleases. His mum suffers as she is religious and won't divorce. This is not the life for me.

I will 100% be divorcing after lockdown, this isn't the only issue.

My DH was so neat and tidy when I met him that I was nervous to move in with him. I felt I was making the place look untidy just being there and I like things kept clean and tidy.
He kept joking that when we moved we’d live in squalor (he had developed our prev house and it was done to a really high standard, not a family home more a show home). He wasn’t joking.

He does do stuff and is definitely better since this lockdown and realising I’m struggling WFH, with a toddler whilst he goes to work each day. But he still takes a lot of encouraging.

My OH does not "help" around the house because housework is as much his respoonsibility as mine.

This. My DH will say he’s done something for me* . I always drill it back and establish who’s benefit it was for, which is everyone. So now he takes the piss and says he’s emptied the bin for the family.

Swings and roundabouts, one of the few things my exh did was cleaning the cooker.

What due you want him to do?

My DP does more than me, pretty much always has. He's a neatfreak raised by neatfreaks, I'm a slob raised by a lady who hired a cleaner. He's also a SAHD at the moment, i make all the money WFH and do all the breastfeeding, so he does most of the nappies and playing. We probably do a 60/40 split of laundry, cleaning, dishes, cooking etc, him the 60. I have never deep cleaned a room in my life.

Your OH sounds like a twat, not because he doesn't pull his weight but because of the way he reacts when you talk to him about it.

You haven't said if either or both of you work? It doesn't sound like a fair split of you are both there the same amount though. My DH works less hours than me, so does more around the house than me. He doesn't deep clean or clean ovens though. We have a cleaner once a week who does that.

My DH does all that domestic shit.

I earn all the money.

He doesn't play with, bathe or read to your children?

Why are you with him? This is not really even about an equitable breakdown of household chores, it's about his capacity to father his own children.

My husband does very little around the house and would only 'deep clean' a room if he got carried away organising something, but he spends huge amounts of time and effort on our children and is OK with sort of tidying up after himself.

My DH will say he’s done something for me

Yes, during lockdown my husband has started cleaning the kitchen late at night after I'm in bed 'for me' so that I wake to a clean kitchen and I've tried patiently to explain him how irritating this is but I've decided to let it go.

Does it matter what anyone else thinks? You have to be happy with it.
My parents had an old fashioned set up mom did the house dad did the outside (1/2 acre garden) plus he also took all 4 of us out all Sunday to allow mom time to do house.my mom worked pt and my dad full with extra overtime.
My dp tells me he does loads. He's wrong.
I work full time and study, plus care for ds.
He does so washing up, some tidying and takes bins out but no cleaning. He also will do clothes washing.
So no hoovering, no dusting, no windows, no mopping and no bathrooms. He also won't or can't cook. He also forgets to do garden and I end up doing it 8 times out of 10.
He insists he needs lists to do stuff or is busy working. I find it infuriating. As if he dosnt do it then someone has to and I have a job as well.
I think your only answer might be the lists and assigning tasks, even though it's infuriating.

We don’t have dc, my partner will do anything I ask, but I need to ask, he is dirt-blind. When he does a job he’s much more thorough than me though.

Normally mine does fuck all (as in he might do the dishwasher once a week and that is literally it. I do not do his washing).

Since the lockdown, he has taken to cleaning the kitchen 1-2 times a week and doing the dishwasher half the week. He is also remembering to do the bins. Still fuck all compared to what I do. Plus he bollocks the primary aged kids all the time for not tidying up after themselves, loading the dishwasher etc. They do more around the house than he does ie change their own bedding etc.

He doesn't see the house or childrearing as his job as he works about 60 hours a week to my 20 (paid) hours on a normal week. But he doesn't take into account that I'm up at 7am, don't stop regularly until 11-12pm 7 days a week (2 disabled kids so constant medical appointments, paperwork, phone calls, hours and hours of trying to settle them in bed). He doesn't consider that as equal work to his super important "man job".

We have argued over this time and time again but he will just not accept that I work as much as he does.

But, just because mine's worse than yours, yours still isn't pulling his weight.

@MarginalGain - you say your DH spends a lot of time with your DC’s but does little around the house? Are you ok with him doing the fun stuff and you the mundane household stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc?

In normal times we have a cleaner. At the moment we are all in all the time and no cleaner so we need to clean. I clean and he does the floors- vac and mop.
Cooking is shared. I tend to do all the prep and he actually cooks it. He does baking/ pizza dough.
Usually I do the washing and he irons but at the moment I am ironing because I am off work and have time.
He does the garden stuff, litter trays and brings me tea in bed in the morning.
We both sort DS as a team effort. In fact everything is a team effort.
Why did you marry him? Has he changed?

We take turns in getting kids up so other person has a line in

So on his day he will get up at 6.30, do their breakfast get them changed etc

Then he pretty much spends most the day out the front playing with kids

I tend to do all the cooking , he will do dishes after I've cooked. I do cleaning and washing, he does any outside jobs and cleans the car

He mostly puts kids to beds also.

He works away so when he is home the kids want him to do everything for them hence why he puts them to bed.

@MarginalGain - you say your DH spends a lot of time with your DC’s but does little around the house? Are you ok with him doing the fun stuff and you the mundane household stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc?

My kids are teenagers so it's less of an issue but no I have no problem with this, I'm one of these dull people who has a talent for housekeeping. Also he makes the money.

Your OH is doing some things so he thinks he's doing his fair share. But he's not. Not at all.
My OH does most of the cooking, takes out the bins, gets my toddler up each morning, does book, bath and bed for toddler most evenings, does most of the food shopping.
We both clean, both hoover, he tends not to dust as he doesn't notice it in the same way I do. He does his laundry and ironing, I do my own laundry, we both do kids/nappy laundry, he tends to do the bed linen changes, I tend to do the towel changed. He doesn't always clean the cooker after each meal, which annoys me slightly, as I give it a wipe when i do cook to prevent the food becoming burnt on, but hey, he's doing must of the cooking. You can see that my OH does more than me! We do have a newborn, so I'm doing more of her care as we're breast feeding, but OH still picks her up if crying, changes a couple of nappies a day, holds her if being fussy to allow me to nap.

50% of chores and childcare. More at the moment as I'm heavily pregnant. We both work full time in demanding careers and already have one child so need to both pull our weight.

Because of my job, my husband has always been the main carer to my daughter. He looks after her about 70% of the time if I'm working.

He also cleans, cooks, does the grocery shopping and puts it away, puts the washing out and does all the DIY in the house.

It’s really hard for you to get a picture of what’s possible if your role model was a father who did absolutely nothing. But it’s absolutely ‘possible’ to expect a partner to do the same amount as you.
My DH does more than me tbh. I feel guilty about it and am trying hard (especially during lock down) to match him. He does all the meal planning, shopping and most of the cooking. He tidies away after cooking a lot. He hoovers and does the bins. He does most of the washing. He does the gardening and cleans the car (when we have time etc). He does most of the household bills (and pays for them).
I do a lot more of the daily cleaning, like wiping down the kitchen and cleaning the bathrooms. I do most of the admin to do with the kids, like organising their dental stuff, after school clubs, nursery fees etc. Buying the clothes they need, things like that. Organising their home work, organising our (as a family) social lives etc (obviously I am talking about pre-covid life!!!)
We split things like nappy changes. I do more reading and playing with the children.
I do more admin etc to do with the dog but he walks her as much as I do.
He works FT and I work 3 days a week.
You are not expecting too much.

My DH did not start out like this. He did alot with our first child and did alot of housework before having children.

When I had my first maternity leave I ended up doing the bulk of the housework as I was home all day when he was at work.

It was when I had our second child that he effectively checked out of most of his parental and household responsibilities.

It's usually a slow drip feed of this happening.

Why don't I leave? Becausey kids wouldn't cope living with him without me and I wouldn't be able to afford to feed my kids if I did. I've done the sums numerous times.

Nighting "My DH does all that domestic shit. I earn all the money"

But a lot of the tasks that the OP lists involve engaging with their children. Surely earning "all the money" shouldn't absolve a parent from that.

We have our own "jobs" to do round the house that we have just have naturally taken upon ourselves. There's jobs he won't do and jobs I won't do if we can help it. Before lockdown I did most of the cleaning as I stay home and he is in work but while he's at home it's been probably equal, same as with looking after the kids. I do the cooking, he will clean the cat litter, put the bins out, do maintenance jobs.

Are you both working? If someone is working during the day, I wouldn't expect them to do much around the house during that time.

Previously, I was working from home (everyone in my organisation does) and so DP would do the nursery pick up and drop off. I did all the cooking and most of the cleaning during the time I would have spent commuting. I managed the food shop as I would get it delivered on my lunch breaks. However, DP has always "helped" by regularly hoovering, doing laundry and we took turns doing DSs evening routine.

Now that we've both been furloughed, we're taking it in turns to get up early with DS every day. I still do the majority of the cooking but everything is fairly evenly split.

How many hours do you each work? That has a huge bearing on how much each person does.

Mine does half but we both work full time so I’d settle for nothing less. If one of us worked less hours or not at all I’d expect far more to be done by that person.