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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be highly offended by this?

119 replies

Keepcalmandcarryon7 · 25/04/2020 23:00

I'm in a very new relationship (6 months). Due to lockdown we haven't seen each other in about 5 weeks. We talk daily and have made plans for after lock down. He has asked to come over to mine several times but I have said no as it's against the rules. Anyway this evening we were talking as normal and he decided to ask me if I was trying to see/meet up with other men. To me this implies that he doesn't trust me and doesn't think much of me. I am a single mum at home with my children every day. He is also showing that he is a very insecure person amongst other things. Should I just get rid whilst still in the early stages? AIBU to be pissed off and ignore his numerous texts and phone calls?

OP posts:
Itsabitmessy · 26/04/2020 09:29

Gah. I agree. Get shut. Total shit.

Shoxfordian · 26/04/2020 09:29

Keep self isolating from him
He's a knob

Wefghkmnffc · 26/04/2020 09:31

Get rid. If he's like this now what will he be like further doen the line.

BigFatLiar · 26/04/2020 09:35

He's more interested in you than you are in him he should have taken the hint initially and moved on.

curiouslypacific · 26/04/2020 09:46

Context is everything in these scenarios, but from what you've said I'd find his behaviour disrespectful.

Firstly not taking no for an answer over the whole coming over thing. That shows a lack of respect for your boundaries. People who won't acknowledge/abide by your boundaries generally make for shitty partners.

Secondly, you've agreed exclusivity, if he's making digs about you seeing others he's either upping the manipulation to get you to agree to seeing him (he's not just pushing boundaries now, he's actively stomping on them), he doesn't trust you (serious levels of paranoia/baggage given the entire country is locked down) or he's trying to justify seeing others himself (just no).

At the very least I'd be very alert for other examples of boundary pushing/controlling behaviours here. I might have cut him a bit of slack over the requests to visit as these are weird times and isolation can hit people hard. As it's escalating I think you should be wary of this one - it's becoming a pattern of disrespect which doesn't lead anywhere good.

Inthepurplerain · 26/04/2020 09:46

I would probably reply ‘that actually made me laugh, you’re not seriously asking during a world pandemic and nation lockdown if I’m refusing to see you because I’m getting some elsewhere?’ And then I’d gauge my next move from his response

Knowwhentorun · 26/04/2020 09:53

Perhaps he was just having a moment of insecurity and now is at home wishing he hadn’t said the wrong thing. Lots of his friends, couples, could be going for a social distance walks or still be meeting up. If he’s been on his own for 5 weeks then is view on reality could be a bit off.

Hanfulofdust · 26/04/2020 10:00

Possibilities I can think of:
He's either trying to bully you into letting him come round, he's a cheat himself so naturally assumes other people behave in the same way, he's controlling. Not sure I can think of any way what he said could be OK behavior (unless you have a history of sleeping with random men on the side and ignoring your partner which I can guess you clearly don't!)

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/04/2020 10:04

I'm with Blacksax. He thought he had sex on tap. He's not asking to come round for a chat and a cuppa, is he? And his mind immediately turns to 'you don't want HIM to come round and shag you, there must be other men coming round to shag you, then.'

Some men cannot comprehend that some women do not think about sex like they do. They assume that we, like they, are thinking about it, wanking, watching porn and gagging for it every second of the day. Turning down his offer to 'come round (and shag)' means that you MUST be getting it from somewhere else.

Do you think that's what he thinks, OP? You know him best.

chipsandgin · 26/04/2020 10:05

Run for the hills! Perfect time to get rid - no coming back from that IMO, imagine a future where you take longer than anticipated at the shops or stay out for a few extra drinks on a fun night out & get accused of shit like that because he’s pathetic/paranoid/insecure...

BusyProcrastinator · 26/04/2020 10:13

Insecure = ‘do you still like me?’

Abusive and jealous = ‘you won’t see me during a national lockdown so you must be tarting yourself to other men’

MiniChoc · 26/04/2020 10:15

I wouldn't dump. He could just be feeling a bit insecure- surely we've all had moments of that. Are there any other red flags or just this one?

MrsMonicaBing · 26/04/2020 10:22

@BusyProcrastinator absolutely nailed it

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/04/2020 10:23

Red flag 🚩
Life is too short

thesesocksaretootight · 26/04/2020 10:27

@Zaphodsotherhead You phrased that so much better than I did.

PumpkinP · 26/04/2020 10:33

I don't get the whole 'agreeing to be exclusive' thing. Maybe within the first couple of weeks, but any more than that isn't it pretty much assumed?

Nope, my sister was seeing someone for 2 years, she assumed he was her bf but then he wasn’t and he had never actually said he was! After 2 years. Ime it’s always best to know where you stand and not assume things.

Hanfulofdust · 26/04/2020 10:35

I don't get the whole 'agreeing to be exclusive' thing. Maybe within the first couple of weeks, but any more than that isn't it pretty much assumed?

I'm with you there. I think anyone that claims months or even years down the line they didn't realize you were exclusive is being deliberately manipulative.

pooopypants · 26/04/2020 10:37
  1. Dump. 2. Block

The hills are that way >>>>>>

Mittens030869 · 26/04/2020 10:45

I'm sorry, this to me smacks of manipulation not insecurity, or it could be both, I suppose. It was a tactic my F used regularly to guilt trip my DM into doing what he wanted. And us too.

It's also very disrespectful. The OP has told him why she won't see him and he's refusing to accept what she says.

In the OP's shoes, I would also not appreciate the fact that he's prepared to put my health, and the health of my DC, at risk by mixing households.

MitziK · 26/04/2020 10:51

Dump and block.

Otherwise, you could be ten minutes late getting home at any point in the future - six months, five years, twenty years - and he'll go nuts, saying 'How do you expect me to feel? You can't be trusted after the way you behaved during lockdown with all those men'.

HuggedTheRedwoods · 26/04/2020 11:02

He is also showing that he is a very insecure person amongst other things.

So it's not just about one remark? If your senses are telling you something here, listen.

The dealbreaker, for me, would be his trying to come to your home during lockdown. I know some people seem to be ignoring guidance but most of us are sticking to it for a reason, dont increase the risk to you or your children for an insecure man.

applestrudels · 26/04/2020 11:09

Sounds like an ex of mine... constantly suspicious about me sleeping with other men despite me giving him absolutely no reason whatsoever just think that, and indeed, like yourself, a rational bystander analysing my situation would think it very unlikely that I would even have time to see other men, let alone want to.
I may be jumping the gun here but in my case the suspicion and paranoia never improved, there was nothing I could do to make him believe I wasn’t some sort of sex-crazed harlot gagging for a shag at every opportunity. He even ended up accusing me of shagging my second cousin in my car at my great uncle’s funeral. I’m not saying your bloke is definitely as crazed as my ex, but I would say it’s a massive red flag that after 6 months he has a view of you that bears no relation whatsoever to the reality...

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/04/2020 11:09

I really don’t see what he’s done wrong here. He wants to see you, you keep saying no (rightly) and he’s just feeling lonely and insecure.

Well first off, if he's been told no with an eplanation he really shouldn't need to ask again unless circumstances have changed. People that won't take no for an answer tend not to make good partners. People that are prone to being lonely and feeling insecure don't make good partners either. They invariable turn out to be very hard work and controlling.

applestrudels · 26/04/2020 11:17

@BusyProcrastinator

Absolutely spot-on! There is an enormous difference between asking “is our relationship still OK?” and accusing you of shagging around - especially when, as I said in my previous comment, you’ve given him absolutely no reason to think that, and indeed given your situation, it’s unlikely you would even have the time or energy even if you wanted to.

BigFatLiar · 26/04/2020 13:54

Lockdown is currently open ended so you're probably best telling him you'll be in touch once it's over if you're still interested. He's free to move on and find another relationship meantime if he wants.