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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be highly offended by this?

119 replies

Keepcalmandcarryon7 · 25/04/2020 23:00

I'm in a very new relationship (6 months). Due to lockdown we haven't seen each other in about 5 weeks. We talk daily and have made plans for after lock down. He has asked to come over to mine several times but I have said no as it's against the rules. Anyway this evening we were talking as normal and he decided to ask me if I was trying to see/meet up with other men. To me this implies that he doesn't trust me and doesn't think much of me. I am a single mum at home with my children every day. He is also showing that he is a very insecure person amongst other things. Should I just get rid whilst still in the early stages? AIBU to be pissed off and ignore his numerous texts and phone calls?

OP posts:
mummymeister · 26/04/2020 08:22

you see OP you already know the answer to this really. You need to trust your instincts. if he is behaving like this after such a short time in a relationship imagine 5 or 10 years on. dont waste your valuable time.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 26/04/2020 08:23

Dump.

stayathomer · 26/04/2020 08:25

I never say this but yes, leave it, have it out and break up delicately, you've enough to be worrying aboutFlowers

CodenameVillanelle · 26/04/2020 08:27

Definitely dump. It's signs of controlling behaviour. 'Why don't you want to see me? Is it because you're trying to get off with other people? Prove it by seeing me'...

CandleNoBra · 26/04/2020 08:28

Red flag! He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Run.

tallulahhulah1 · 26/04/2020 08:30

plays sirens 🚨**

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2020 08:31

I’m not sure he’s planning to meet others, that could be the case though, he might just be very insecure.

After six months I’d expect there to be trust there though, so I’d be concerned by the question,

EricaNernie · 26/04/2020 08:32

I would take a break from him at the very least.

MarieQueenofScots · 26/04/2020 08:35

Whilst I agree in normal circumstances a conversation surrounding exclusivity is useful this isn’t relevant here as the OP has already discussed that with him so no need for him to test the water.

He’s either looking for the green light to shag around or he doesn’t trust you. Not sure either are particularly enticing.

Sparklfairy · 26/04/2020 08:40

Ugh I had this a couple of years ago. First it was little comments, if I couldn't meet him, 'oh got a hot date have you?' then accusing me of shagging my driving instructor (who was a mutual friend!) instead of learning to drive. Also 'joked' that I was a hooker/doing sex cams because I worked from home. In my naivety I ended up shrinking myself. He went out on the piss, joined an evening class and made new friends, I stayed home and didn't do anything so he 'didn't worry'. Makes me feel sick thinking back how much I accommodated his insecurities.

Run. He's either looking for the green light to get it elsewhere, or trying to pull you into line so you don't do anything that makes him insecure, or both. It never ever gets better.

If you bend over backwards to reassure him, you're compromising yourself and will make yourself miserable. If you refuse and do as you please, you'll be called 'difficult', 'selfish' and all manner of things, as I was.

Ugh.

BigFatLiar · 26/04/2020 08:42

He keeps asking to come over to see you and you keep turning him down. Sounds like he's worried you're stringing him along. Has he had bad experiences with women in the past? Sounds like he's more interested in the relationship than you. If you're bothered tell him you don`t want to see him again and he should move on. If you are interested have you facetimed or dumped? Have a virtual date.

MarginalGain · 26/04/2020 08:44

It's entirely possible that he takes a more laissez faire approach to lockdown and he's genuinely surprised that you're not.

Insecurity is never attractive but if you previously felt that you were in this for the long haul, perhaps these extraordinary circumstances might permit a more sympathetic analysis.

Just sit with it for a while.

BigFatLiar · 26/04/2020 08:45

Sorry skyped not dumped

lljkk · 26/04/2020 08:52

gosh, it wouldn't offend me.
I would like someone being direct.
I'm insecure so him being insecure wouldn't offend me.
You do sound incompatible since it seemed so outrageious to you.

BubblyBarbara · 26/04/2020 08:55

To me this implies HE is trying to meet up with, or see, other women. Or thinking about it

Oh ok, so when someone comes on here saying they suspect their DP of things like this, really they’re the ones thinking of cheating Hmm

MarginalGain · 26/04/2020 08:57

Oh ok, so when someone comes on here saying they suspect their DP of things like this, really they’re the ones thinking of cheating

It is a bit weird isn't it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/04/2020 08:57

Get rid.

BreatheAndFocus · 26/04/2020 09:05

I'm insecure so him being insecure wouldn't offend me

I’m insecure too and recognised insecurity in my ex. I thought I understood him, that that insecurity meant we were suited to each other. It didn’t. Some insecure people are exceptionally controlling and abuse - pathologically so.

OP, trust your instincts. This is a red flag.

BreatheAndFocus · 26/04/2020 09:06

Abuse = abusive

Washyourhands48 · 26/04/2020 09:18

I really don’t see what he’s done wrong here. He wants to see you, you keep saying no (rightly) and he’s just feeling lonely and insecure. 🙄

Frangipanini · 26/04/2020 09:25

Does he live alone? I ask this as I know someone living alone and after a few weeks the lack of human, physical contact has really got to them.

You have been together 6 months. He's missing you and he is feeling a bit insecure, alone and this has come out in a comment fishing for a bit of reassurance about your relationship.

Cut the bloke some slack. If he was otherwise great, just reassure him and tell him you will pick up where you left off before the shutdown.

Jupiter202020201 · 26/04/2020 09:26

I ignored this type of behaviour and ended up severely depressed due to the emotional abuse I was subjected to. Walk away and trust your gut. Seeing other men is not a reasonable conclusion to draw when actually perhaps you don’t want him over because there’s a worldwide pandemic going on? He’s got issues.

CalleighDoodle · 26/04/2020 09:27

I really don’t see what’s wrong here..

He has asked to come over to mine several times but I have said no as it's against the rules. He has been told no several times. He keeps asking. This is never, ever a good sign. He does not value op when she says no. No means nothing to him. No is not absolute, merely the start of a negotiation.

So when he was getting nowhere keep asking op to do something she has repeatedly said no to, he responded with...

to ask me if I was trying to see/meet up with other men. This is a new tactic in trying to force op to stop saying no. He is now manipulating her to prove she isnt seeing other men by changing her mind on her many, many ‘no’ responses.

Hinest to God, the way some women tie themselves on knots to allow shitty men excuses to be shitty is alarming. Op it is 6 months. You actually need to excuse to dump him. ‘Hi there this no longer works for me. I wish you well in all your future endeavours.’

If he is insecure he should see a counsellor, not try to expect a new partner to bed over backwards to accommodate his needs. Insecurity is no reason for shitty behaviour and refusing to pay attention to boundaries. It is an excuse.

Jupiter202020201 · 26/04/2020 09:28

For all the people saying this is normal behaviour IT IS NOT.
The reason OP doesn’t want visitors is because rod the pandemic, why would cheating be the first thing that comes to mind? If he’s that insecure he needs to work on himself before going in to a relationship instead of projecting his own problems on to someone else. It’s almost like pressuring her to let him come over to prove she’s not cheating. It’s worrying behaviour.

Jupiter202020201 · 26/04/2020 09:29

Sorry for the typos! Feeding a baby!

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