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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask a friend to change the ring?

85 replies

JeniJeniJeni · 25/04/2020 14:50

Ok so background - partner snd I have been together a few years and have discussed marriage so it’s not a surprise that he is going to propose eventually - but he’s quite traditional and will want it to be a surprise for me when he does it, so I don’t want us to shop for rings together or anything... I also know he’s whatsapped one of my friends asking her for advice about the proposal (she told me this.)

An email popped up on his phone that was from a jeweller and there was a RE: in the subject line so he’d clearly made an enquiry, not just a marketing email. OBVIOUSLY I looked (and I dearly wish I hadn’t)

I don’t HATE the ring but I’m really not sure about it. It’s not what I would have picked. He’s agreed to buy it after the lockdown when he can go to the shop but I don’t know if he’s paid a deposit for it...

AIBU to ask one of my friends to suggest some alternatives? I don’t want her to tell him I’ve seen it but maybe she could say she’s not sure it’s ‘me’. Or should I just suck it up?

Also I know I’m being really dramatic and making a mountain out of a molehill and I should be very happy and grateful, which I am - I think because of corona my brain is tricking me into worrying about silly little things so I don’t go crazy worrying about the virus!

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 25/04/2020 14:52

If you can't tell him you can't marry him.

minettechatouette · 25/04/2020 14:54

I don't think putting your friend in the middle sounds like a good idea. Him asking her for general advice is one thing, her conveying specific messages from you that he might take as criticism while pretending they're from her seems a bit much to expect from her. I think you need to either say to your DP you'd like to be involved in the ring-choosing process, explain to him after the proposal that you'd like to change the ring or just learn to love this ring. Congratulations in advance.

Terralee · 25/04/2020 14:54

Just tell him you saw the email & you'd prefer a different ring life's too short ffs

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 25/04/2020 14:55

No dont do this. The ring is an emotional choice and is a symbol of his comitment to you. Reject it and you will hurt his feelings. Think about what is represents and means rather than looking only at the item and what youu would have chosen. You chose for him to do this rather than buy a ring together, dont spoil it for him. If your friend gets him to change it he will know, Once you have it you will learn to love it

bulliedintonamechange · 25/04/2020 15:00

He will probably say that if you don't like it you can change it so I would wait for that. You will be so wrapped up in the proposal I think you'll see it differently. If not then tell him you would like to exchange, just say it's not practical or something so as not to hurt his feelings

pussycatinboots · 25/04/2020 15:06

Don't compromise on what you want. I did and still, after 17 yrs, hate mine - although strictly mine isn't "the" ring as that and its identical replacement kept shedding diamonds - and luckily it won't fit so i don't have to wear it

Drop a massive hint of what you like, or better still just tell him you've decided that you'd like to ring shop together as it will have more meaning for you both or some other bollocks anything that gets you a say.

Lefkosia · 25/04/2020 15:09

Just go shopping together, that's what we did. I picked a ring I adore and my fiance proposed when he was ready.

Life really is too short for all the agonising

tootiredtoclean · 25/04/2020 15:23

My ring was not what I would choose although the proposal was all on him so I didn't get much choice/input. He knows that I don't like it, but I asked him the reasons why he chose it and now I don't even notice it. He put a lot of thought into it. It's not me, it's very him. I got to choose my wedding ring which is very 'me' and goes well with the ring he picked. To begin with I was upset I didn't get my dream ring but this one will never date/go out of fashion.

Could you comment on people's rings e.g bob and Ella are engaged, how amazing, I love her ring.

Akea · 25/04/2020 15:28

I let my DP pick a pair of earrings for me in the beginning of our relationship. It was the first and last time that happened!
For the engagement ring he had the picture of the product, the size of my finger written down and the exact shop location! It's a ring that it's always on my finger and I plan on keeping it there forever so yeah, I believe it's important for you to like the ring, not just not HATE IT it.
You might end up falling for the one he gave you, or it could bug you every time you look at it and think about the better alternatives you would have picked.
Although he is involved in the ring process now I doubt he'll still feel "emotional" about it in the future or even notice if you take it off(my DP wouldn't but he's not traditional or very sentimental). If you think being too straightforward would upset him, some PP gave good suggestions with "hinting" at a style you'd like when you're talking about random things.

Sewinginscotland · 25/04/2020 15:29

My engagement ring is the second piece of Jewellery my husband has bought me and it will probably be the last 😂.

I'm not a huge fan of it, but I don't mind it. He said I could replace it but his little face said that he would mind so I didn't. I got pregnant 2 months after we got married and had to take my rings off when my fingers swelled up, I haven't put it back on for 'fear of scratching the baby', I only wear my wedding ring everyday. I just wear the engagement ring for special occasions instead.

The ring clearly means something to him. You could maybe hint about rings you like? It's a shame to spend so much money on something that doesn't get worn often.

Ellmau · 25/04/2020 15:41

Can’t you drop a hint to your do, saying if you were getting an engagement ring you would want x style and y stone?

triedandtestedteacher · 25/04/2020 15:44

I didn't like my engagement ring. It was too big and we had to return it. I could at that point have asked to exchange it but I chose not to. I made sure I had a very sparkly and very beautiful wedding band though

negomi90 · 25/04/2020 15:46

Either have an open honest converation with your man.
Or look at rings on the internet together for your fantasy engagment (what ever excuse you come up with). Then you can say your ring size and what you like, don't like etc

SunshineCake · 25/04/2020 15:54

I chose my own engagement ring, dh bought it in secret and proposed when he wanted to. It 100% did not matter I knew what the ring would be like because while I said I liked it I had no one he would, or had bought it and you know, he'd just proposed!

You have a chance here as even though he may have put a deposit down I am sure it can be transferred to another ring. If you can't be honest then you shouldn't marry him. If he can't take the truth from you without a strop he shouldn't be marrying you.

Imboredinthehouse · 25/04/2020 15:55

Well if you don’t want to end up with a ring you hate you have to pick a ring yourself.

KindKylie · 25/04/2020 15:57

I really think you should be able to have a conversation about it!

It seems so odd to keep up the pretence of surprise at a) the fact he's going to propose b) the ring choice.

Just have a conversation, make mutual decisions, do stuff together.

mnahmnah · 25/04/2020 15:57

What is it about it that you don’t like?

I’m thinking, for example, that of it’s white gold, but you prefer yellow gold, casually dropping it into conversation sometime about what you do or don’t like, in the context of something else. Like commenting on someone else’s ring etc

Yankathebear · 25/04/2020 15:58

You are reading his emails and can’t discuss a piece of jewellery but you want to marry him?

KitKat1985 · 25/04/2020 15:58

I think you just need to be honest with him. Given that he's been so upfront with you about intention to propose, I don't really see why you can't just go and choose a ring together. Rather than criticise his choice of ring, can you just get your friend to say "I've spoken to JeniJeniJeni and she said she would prefer to go ring shopping with you rather than be surprised with a ring, as she would like to be able to pick the ring with you".

mindutopia · 25/04/2020 15:58

I would definitely just sit down with him and have a conversation about it and be honest. It's all fine to be someone who wants a 'traditional proposal' but with that comes accepting that someone else is going to dictate to you what your tastes are. It's like someone ordering dinner for you. You may be someone who likes the idea of that and if you are, you would also be someone who isn't too picky and is happy with the romance of it all and generally would be happy with any choice. But if you are someone who has a particular idea of what you do and don't like, or you are a fussy eater or can't eat gluten, letting someone else order for you seems a bit silly. It's the same with a ring. You can't start your married life together being afraid to have a relatively trivial conversation about a ring.

That said, there are lots of ways to have input into an engagement ring without demanding a particular one is purchased or seeing the finished ring before he proposes. When dh and I got engaged, I had very specific ideas about what I wanted (and I'm not really a traditional proposal sort of person anyway - it would never had occurred to me that he would pick a ring for me, I always assumed we would of course do it together). We bought a stone together (from a particular place that has sentimental value when we were traveling), and then we went to a jeweler to have it set. This is surprisingly not an expensive way to go about it if you have access to proper jewelers who still actually design and make jewelry, just not ones who order it wholesale from a catalog. I had particular things I wanted in a ring, a particular style of setting, metal, I wanted 4 prongs and not 6. We told the jeweler what I liked and he designed a setting with all those features in it (they have all the different bits and they can then just put them together, sort of like assembling IKEA furniture). I then saw the setting after it was made, but dh went and had the stone set himself, so I never saw the finished ring until he proposed. It was lovely (and relatively inexpensive compared to rings I see in shops) and it was still a surprise - but not the ugly bad sort of surprise.

slashlover · 25/04/2020 15:59

How do you expect your friend to bring it up without mentioning you saw the email?

FallonSwift · 25/04/2020 15:59

Tell him. You'll spend a lot of time wearing it, so it's important that you like it.

I don't like yellow gold - it doesn't suit me. I also dislike really big chunky cluster rings because I have small hands and they get in the way. Guess what DH proposed with? If I could have designed the most ghastly ring for my tastes then this would have been it.

I had to tell him - and he was absolutely fine. He took the sensible attitude that he wouldn't want to wear something he didn't like, so why should I. We went and chose a replacement together and it's lovely.

AlphaIndigo · 25/04/2020 16:06

I think you can either choose the ring together and get exactly what you want or have a surprise and accept what your partner chooses. You seem to want the best of both. Personally, I think marriage is such a big commitment that it's nice to plan for the whole thing together, including choosing the ring.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 25/04/2020 16:07

Mine was not originally to my taste but hearing the story of him getting it, he could not have picked a better option. I love it and wouldn't be without it.

summerfruitssquash · 25/04/2020 16:08

Just go online and say ooo if you ever popped the question this would be lovely, I’m sure even if he has paid a deposit they would be fine changing it over to a different ring

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