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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a friend to change the ring?

85 replies

JeniJeniJeni · 25/04/2020 14:50

Ok so background - partner snd I have been together a few years and have discussed marriage so it’s not a surprise that he is going to propose eventually - but he’s quite traditional and will want it to be a surprise for me when he does it, so I don’t want us to shop for rings together or anything... I also know he’s whatsapped one of my friends asking her for advice about the proposal (she told me this.)

An email popped up on his phone that was from a jeweller and there was a RE: in the subject line so he’d clearly made an enquiry, not just a marketing email. OBVIOUSLY I looked (and I dearly wish I hadn’t)

I don’t HATE the ring but I’m really not sure about it. It’s not what I would have picked. He’s agreed to buy it after the lockdown when he can go to the shop but I don’t know if he’s paid a deposit for it...

AIBU to ask one of my friends to suggest some alternatives? I don’t want her to tell him I’ve seen it but maybe she could say she’s not sure it’s ‘me’. Or should I just suck it up?

Also I know I’m being really dramatic and making a mountain out of a molehill and I should be very happy and grateful, which I am - I think because of corona my brain is tricking me into worrying about silly little things so I don’t go crazy worrying about the virus!

OP posts:
Celerysam · 25/04/2020 17:11

I find it super sad that rather than a surprise proposal your friend told you and now you snooped. I knew we would get engaged eventually, we owned a house, had been together 5 years but it was a lovely surprise when the moment came and I will cherish it forever.

starfishmummy · 25/04/2020 17:13

Have I got this right? First you say (about the ring) want it to be a surprise for me when he does it, so I don’t want us to shop for rings together or anything
But actually you dont like what he has picked so you want him to change it?

Sonthe poor guy isndokng what you want but now he's wrong.

Celerysam · 25/04/2020 17:14

To add, I also believe that if the man proposes he does so with a ring of his choice rather than ring shopping. I would have been heartbroken if he had proposed without a ring. It's not exactly what I would have chosen but it's what he wanted me to wear forever.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2020 17:18

To add, I also believe that if the man proposes he does so with a ring of his choice rather than ring shopping. I would have been heartbroken if he had proposed without a ring. It's not exactly what I would have chosen but it's what he wanted me to wear forever.

His choice on her finger? No sod that for a game of soldiers.

This is why most sensible adults go ring shopping together, especially when they've discussed getting engaged and both agreed to it.

diddl · 25/04/2020 17:19

You've been together a few years, talked about marriage-tell him that you'd like to choose a ring together!

Tighnabruaich · 25/04/2020 17:21

We went ring shopping together and I chose the one I liked.

florascotia2 · 25/04/2020 17:23

FWIW in the past, women often chose their own engagement rings. (And a lot of supposed "traditions" re proposals are also relatively modern - and influenced by Hollywood/jewellers' merchandising.)

In the past, the would-be husband would visit a jeweller and arrange for a selection of rings or un-set stones to be shown to the bride when the pair of them visited together. Or else - more probably - the jeweller would send the jewels to the bridegroom's home. The bride could then choose.
This happened as recently as Diana Spencer's engagement to Prince Charles.

As previous posters have said - you're planning to spend the rest of your life with this man. You are responsible adults. Women have headed governments; gone into space etc etc. Surely, you can talk to each other about this? There's surely no need for invented 'traditions'.

conduitoffortune · 25/04/2020 17:24

I can't believe so many women are wearing rings that they don't like just because their DH's chose them. I just cannot understand that. So what if he picked it himself with love etc. He doesn't have to walk round with it on his finger every day does he? Women don't get to choose the men's wedding bands. If I was proposed to with a ring I didn't like I would exchange it for one I did like.

In your situation OP, I would get my friend to message on the pretence that she wants to give him advice about the ring and tell him 'OP wouldn't like that, she would prefer X style' and make sure he got a ring you love

NorthernSpirit · 25/04/2020 17:25

You contradict yourself.....

You say YOU don’t want to shop for rings....

But your obviously not happy for him to chose it.

Decide what you want and tell him. Good marriages are based on the ability to communicate.

Fromthebirdsnest · 25/04/2020 17:42

my husband had a bespoke ring made for me it was gorgeous , but a size too big (i have child hands) and i lost it within a week Blush , then i chose one myself to replace it , it is gorgeous , i dont wear it now though as i have my wedding ring ... how long will you be engaged for ? does it matter too much ? its the thought that counts xx

laidbacklife · 25/04/2020 17:45

Definitely do something about it. It's better and far easier to say something now before the ring is made / bought. Ask your friend to guide him. Perhaps just show her examples of what you like so that she knows your taste?

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2020 17:54

So you want him to pick the ring but he needs to read your mind and pick the ring you want? So you want to choose it really then?

Just tell him that!

NoSauce · 25/04/2020 17:57

Best to stop snooping on his phone Wink

Chocolate1984 · 25/04/2020 17:59

I’ve never loved my engagement ring. It’s a nice ring, other people compliment it but I wouldn’t pick it myself. Get the ring you want. It’s on your finger for a long time, you will see it everyday. Go ring shopping together.

chugmonkey · 25/04/2020 18:04

I would tell him that you saw the email and you are worried because you know what a 'picky mare'( or insert similar phrase showing that you realise you are fussy about these things) you are and have always wanted to pick your ring together as it's important to you to love the ring that represents your love for each other.
He'll get past any disappointment he initially feels and you'll both benefit from the honest precedent being set. Good luck with this.

ShirleyPhallus · 25/04/2020 18:04

DH proposed with a fake ring (but the type of one he’d heard me talk about before) and then booked in appointments to see ring designers. We then designed it together and paid for half each.

Was a lovely experience, we spent several appointments with various designers drinking champagne and admiring diamonds and coloured stones etc. He got to a sort of traditional proposal, I got the ring I loved. Was lovely.

okiedokieme · 25/04/2020 18:09

The fact he chose it is what makes it special, it's not a fashion item, it's a sign of commitment bought with love. Timeless is the ideal ring because it's meant to last a lifetime. Personally I would prefer an antique ring, unsure if I would ever remarry but I will be sure to let dp's sister know in plenty of time if things head that way

AfternoonTea12 · 25/04/2020 18:18

I wouldn’t have chosen my ring, however, I love that my husband choose it and when I look at it, I’m filled with happiness. I agree with what others have said, you will learn to love it.

ShennaIsAPrawnCracker · 25/04/2020 19:20

I would wait for him to propose and see it on your finger. If you really don't like it, then talk to him about a change. I wouldn't say anything after seeing the email.

francienolan · 25/04/2020 19:27

Mine proposed without a ring then took me shopping. I really enjoyed shopping and for exactly what I wanted. And the proposal was a surprise!

heartsonacake · 25/04/2020 19:28

YABU.

a) you shouldn’t have been looking at his phone

b) you shouldn’t be opening his emails and invading his privacy regardless of content

c) you should be able to have an honest conversation with someone you wish to marry

dottiedodah · 26/04/2020 07:48

I cant believe some of these replies ! Surely if you are going to marry someone then an engagement ring is a fairly important item ? You will be wearing it for many years to come!. Just say in a casual way that you really like a diamond Solitaire white gold or whatever .Several high street Jewellers have a clause where rings can be exchanged up to 30 days .They often need to be tried on and look different on each person .Also why are you "grateful" he should be "grateful" hes got you!

dottiedodah · 26/04/2020 07:55

FloraScotia My Grandad had a friend who was a Jeweller in Hatton Garden in the 1920s .GD arranged for chum to meet them in the pub, and he turned up with a handkerchief of about half a dozen rings for GM to choose from!

FamilyOfAliens · 26/04/2020 07:59

I’m amazed people still even get engaged these days. It seems such an old-fashioned and sexist concept.

But you definitely need to stop snooping on his phone.

ohmysoul · 26/04/2020 08:06

100% stop looking on his phone. I'd be so cross if DH did this to me.

When I thought that engagement was on the cards with DH, I showed him a few pictures of rings I liked. It was about 6 months later he proposed and he'd had a ring made that was similar to what I'd shown him and was perfect.

Life is too short for all this messing around. Just tell him what you want.

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