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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a friend to change the ring?

85 replies

JeniJeniJeni · 25/04/2020 14:50

Ok so background - partner snd I have been together a few years and have discussed marriage so it’s not a surprise that he is going to propose eventually - but he’s quite traditional and will want it to be a surprise for me when he does it, so I don’t want us to shop for rings together or anything... I also know he’s whatsapped one of my friends asking her for advice about the proposal (she told me this.)

An email popped up on his phone that was from a jeweller and there was a RE: in the subject line so he’d clearly made an enquiry, not just a marketing email. OBVIOUSLY I looked (and I dearly wish I hadn’t)

I don’t HATE the ring but I’m really not sure about it. It’s not what I would have picked. He’s agreed to buy it after the lockdown when he can go to the shop but I don’t know if he’s paid a deposit for it...

AIBU to ask one of my friends to suggest some alternatives? I don’t want her to tell him I’ve seen it but maybe she could say she’s not sure it’s ‘me’. Or should I just suck it up?

Also I know I’m being really dramatic and making a mountain out of a molehill and I should be very happy and grateful, which I am - I think because of corona my brain is tricking me into worrying about silly little things so I don’t go crazy worrying about the virus!

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 25/04/2020 16:10

You have a chance here as even though he may have put a deposit down I am sure it can be transferred to another ring. If you can't be honest then you shouldn't marry him. If he can't take the truth from you without a strop he shouldn't be marrying you.

I agree with this, OP. If you can't communicate, then it's not good.

I mean, it's something you're thinking of wearing permanently, so in that case it should be something you like.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2020 16:10

Ask yourself what sort of game your two are playing here.

You know he's going to propose, you know you're going to accept.

He wants it to be a surprise and you don't, so you had a look at the ring and didn't like it.

Dear God, the pair of you just go ring shopping like responsible adults. Stop for a nice lunch, make a day of it and you'll probably both enjoy it.

BillHadersNewWife · 25/04/2020 16:11

Tabu my ring is definitely DHS choice and not mine but I treasure it for that reason. He will have worried and stressed so much about which to choose that I couldn't bear to tell him it wasn't nice. I genuinely love it because it he picked it.

Want2beme · 25/04/2020 16:12

Could you ask your friend just to say to him "You do know what sort of rings Jeni likes, don't you?". Personally, I'd show him what I'd like.

Nottherealslimshady · 25/04/2020 16:13

I wouldn't put your friend in the middle. You need to just explain, and be kind about it. Also, wont he know that the email has already been read?

YouJustDoYou · 25/04/2020 16:14

What pp said. If you can't discuss it with him, you shouldn't be marrying him.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2020 16:17

I think picking a ring your partner is going to wear for the rest of their life is weird anyway.

They wouldn't pick your wedding dress and expect you to like it, and that's only worn for a day.

Navelwort · 25/04/2020 16:17

How about you stop pretending it's the 1850s, and he surprises you with a proposal and a ring, while you mime maidenly surprise and say you'll have to ask your father's permission? You're already engaged if you've agreed to get married. You're about to acquire a piece of expensive jewellery you'll wear every day. You wouldn't let him choose an item of clothing you were going to wear every day, so why defer to his taste in jewellery?

Puddingfordinner · 25/04/2020 16:26

Engineer a situation to talk about rings - ie find a celeb ring you like, pretend you've just seen it online or something and show him - and say something like wow, look how amazing this is, that's my dream ring etc. Choose a stupidly expensive one so it sounds like you're being sarcastic but in reality it allows you to drop hints about what you'd like - "Doesnt the diamond look lovely with sapphires' "isn't the shape of the stone lovely" etc etc. If that makes any sense at all!

I get that the most important thing is the marriage not the ring but you don't want him spending money on something you don't love.

Saladmakesmesad · 25/04/2020 16:41

I'd personally want the ring that my loved one had chosen for me MORE than I'd want the ring I'd chosen for myself. I think it's more special, and I don't care enough about how anything looks to risk hurting his feelings and taking the shine (no pun intended) off the whole thing.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/04/2020 16:43

but he’s quite traditional and will want it to be a surprise for me when he does it, so I don’t want us to shop for rings together or anything...

Congratulations but this was very silly... because now your trying to control the narrative from behind the curtain so to speak.. so the 'Surprise' is a sham... Please be honest and tell him you don't want to wear a ring forever that you just don't like and go get a ring you love.... Flowers

Brefugee · 25/04/2020 16:45

First: tell him
Second: if you want a ring you like you have to go shopping with him

Otherwise you get what you get and can't complain

HeddaGarbled · 25/04/2020 16:52

Agree with PPs, this is a bit daft really: you want it to be a surprise/secret, but you also want input. Decide which of these is more important to you.

returnofthecat · 25/04/2020 16:56

Given he's messaged your friend about the proposal, it would be very easy for her to get in touch again and say that you were talking about another friend who's getting engaged and you made some comments on her ring that she thought he might find useful if he hasn't picked one yet.

That gives him an opportunity to change the ring. Or not.

Surprise unspoilt.

CatEatCatWorld · 25/04/2020 16:56

I hinted strongly that I wanted a solitaire, not bothered about size .10pt would've done me. When he finally proposed he'd chosen a cluster and I really couldnt give a toss. It's a symbol of his love for me.

IndiaMay · 25/04/2020 16:59

Just go shopping together! My other half surprised me with a proposal whilst in a beautiful quiet walk in a picturesque area whilst away for the weekend. As soon as I'd said yes we walked back to the town we were staying in that had lots of jewellery shops and browsed together. He had saved up a months wages so we both knew the budget. If you have to wear something for the rest of you life, FFS choose it yourself so you actually like it!

ThisGunsForHire · 25/04/2020 17:00

Just asked DH his opinion. He said he’d prefer to be told rather than buy a ring that wouldn’t be loved.

mencken · 25/04/2020 17:01

oh FGS, you aren't a Jane Austen sex slave, it is 2020. A proposal might be a surprise but the ring will go on your finger so needs to fit, and you need to like it.

go shopping together.

ShirleyPhallus · 25/04/2020 17:03

No dont do this. The ring is an emotional choice and is a symbol of his comitment to you. Reject it and you will hurt his feelings. Think about what is represents and means rather than looking only at the item and what youu would have chosen. You chose for him to do this rather than buy a ring together, dont spoil it for him. If your friend gets him to change it he will know, Once you have it you will learn to love it

Hi, the 1950s called and they’d like their attitude back, thanks.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/04/2020 17:04

My DH chose my ring. It’s beautiful. He luckily has very good taste when it comes to jewellery and picks things I would choose.

However, I would still have worn it even if I didn’t love it. I love him and I love what it symbolises. I had a wedding ring made to match it and I still find myself staring at them now and we’ve been engaged since 2015 and married since 2018.

OP, either tell him you want to pick your own ring or accept what he chooses. You can’t have it both ways.

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/04/2020 17:04

Wow, I'm surprised so many people wear rings they don't like!

I'd wait until he gives it and then explain it's not to your taste and go and exchange it together.

His feelings might be a bit hurt but he'll get over it. You have to wear the thing forever. There's no way you should have to look at an ugly ring for years.

recrudescence · 25/04/2020 17:05

You’re approach is ridiculously complicated. What you need to do is arrange for the jeweller to be robbed, making sure, of course, that your ring is part of the haul. Now bring your friend on board to ensure the replacement is more to your liking. It’s really that simple.

Notthetoothfairy · 25/04/2020 17:06

I would stumble across one I love on the internet and tell him that’s what I want if he ever proposes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/04/2020 17:09

Oh FFS. You're planning to marry this man and can't even have a face-to-face discussion about what sort of ring you like? Instead you're going to pretend to be in the dark and manipulate things by using your friend?

You frankly don't sound mature enough for marriage.

thescarftwins · 25/04/2020 17:11

Hated mine. Sold it last year as we could do with the cash and I rarely wore it. DH was hurt initially but I'm so glad! Paid for some essentials and now we can save for a cheaper one that I love that I'll wear.

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