Alcoholic husband - I can't do this anymore

[binkyblinky]

Hi ladies I need some advice or some support because I don't know what to do.

My husband has always been a heavy drinker from his days in the army. When we met I didn't realise how heavy he drunk until we moved in together about two years later. I had two small children when we met who were six months and 20 months old.

He drinks every night and never in front of the children. Mid week it will be 4 to 8 cans of Fosters and at the weekend this can increase to 12 cans sometimes more. There have been various large incidents in our relationship caused by his drinking, sometimes he will stay in bed all day and he is in A terrible mood until he has a drink.

I would like to add importantly he has never been violent or aggressive with me or the children, I would not stand for that. He is a fantastic dad to the children generally.

We have been married for 3 1/2 years and we now have a son of our own. When I became pregnant he decided that it was time to change his drinking Waze and changed to a different drink with lower alcohol content and also wouldn't drink every day however this lockdown has made me realise the problem is still very much there and I don't know what to do about it.

He has been buying his alcohol in bulk and then drinking it straight away so it doesn't last. This morning I came downstairs to say he had drank over half a bottle of gin as well as 12 cans of Fosters. He was passed out on the sofa all the lights were on and the front door was unlocked. I told him to go upstairs because I didn't want our baby to smell or see him like this (18 months)

I have attended Al-Anon family meetings before. It makes me feel so sad to see my husband and such a wonderful hard-working man battling this addiction/illness. I am torn as I know it is an illness being addicted to alcohol, but I don't know how much more I can take seeing him in these states. I don't want my children to grow up around this.

He has tried to stop drinking before and been unsuccessful. I want to tell him to leave and come back when he sort himself out but this isn't going to go away is it, what do I do to protect my children? Can anyone advise me or has anyone been in the same situation as I find myself in.

It isn't as easy as just get up and leave and I feel so very sad.

He is a fantastic dad to the children generally.

How is he a fantastic dad when he's passed out?

What is your financial/home/work situation?

I’m sorry OP

I think I’d go back to Alanon and also seek some counselling

Sadly he is unlikely to change Think really hard about how you want your children to grow up. There are several studies that have found children of alcoholics are more likely to be alcoholics themselves.

You do have options. Work out what they are. Work out what protects your children and gives them the best future. Don’t just think about money. Think about safety and security and their mental health. Then do that

I don't want anyone to slate him. He doesn't get to this state every day, and hasn't for a very long time. But stuck at home and has been furloughed I think he is very bored.

Financially, not great but I could manage. Morgage is in his name house too. He has plenty of savings but I don't.

He is drinking more because he doesn't have to get up for work every morning.

In some respects, I am lucky. He gets up every other day with the baby, has been helping with home schooling etc etc. Really does play his part. It's just in the evenings once the kids are in bed, he has one drink and then he can't stop.

I can hear the sadness you feel about this in your post OP. But you need to get factual. He is not being a good dad or partner w
Whilst drinking till he is passed out. His first love and priority is alcohol . Sad but true. What you need to decide is if you can handle this horrible situation any longer as it is or do you want to make changes. You can't change him but you can make some changes for you and your children

He was passed out on the sofa all the lights were on and the front door was unlocked.

Are you sure about the "fantastic dad" part?

To be blunt, it's in the children's best long term interests for him to be gone and stay gone.

You are calling him a great dad and claiming you hide this from them because you're in denial, not because either statement is true and certainly not because you are succeeding in protecting them from the consequences of his behaviour - you're not.

Children don't have the power or choice to remove themselves to live somewhere safer and healthier - it's down to you as the adult to make the difficult decisions to remove him from their home instead.

Look up developmental trauma and complex trauma. That's the future you're guaranteeing for your children if you let this continue because "but I love him". Love them more.

You are not at all lucky and neither are your poor children. You need to start protecting your children from this.

Understandably you have come to his defence quickly. But your first post says different. Be honest with yourself about his drinking and the impact it is having. Al anon might make you sad because it makes you realise the truth of your circumstance. You need to go back to Al anon. If you really want change that is. Of course you also have every right to stay put and accept the situation as it is. But every decision we make has a consequence doesn't it.

I don't want anyone to slate him.

Seriously, are you more interested in protecting him or your own children?

Who is going to protect them if you don't? Because they as children cannot and should not have to do it themselves.

He is an adult. He can take responsibility for himself.

He is drinking more because he doesn't have to get up for work every morning

Work isnt the only reason to get up? how about being a parent to his kids and helping you with stuff around the house- i guess that isnt worth getting up for?

I'm sorry but he is not a "good dad". Good fathers are emotionally and physically present for their children and they model a healthy, supportive relationship with their partner (you). Him laying in bed all day in a drunken stupor is a terrible way to be a father role model. I know this is obviously hard for you to admit but really think about this for a moment- is his behaviour indicative of being a good dad- think about when you were a kid and imagine you were seeing his behaviour day after day. What would you think as a kid?

You are rationalising his behaviour OP. Look up co-dependency on Google and see if it resonates with you. I too think he is unlikely to change and it must be a nightmare for you but perhaps your children's emotional welfare could be at risk.

Luckily the house and money are joint assests- you're married.

And you might not want him slated, but he's not exactly Father of the Year. And if he's passed out at night he's not going to be on top form the next day.

Your children will notice

Your op describes this: This morning I came downstairs to say he had drank over half a bottle of gin as well as 12 cans of Fosters. He was passed out...

Your update protests this: It's just in the evenings once the kids are in bed

Stop telling yourself lies.

You are not protecting them and you know it.

A fantastic dad doesn't get drunk to the extent they leave the door unlocked thus putting his family at risk.
Doesn't get so drunk that if something happened in the night he couldn't be of use, drive the car, answer his phone, whatever.
Set your bar higher op on what makes a fantastic dad.
You and the children deserve better.

The children didn't notice because I sent him upstairs before they did. So they just think he's in bed.

But yes, you're right. All if you. This behaviour isn't indicative of a good father.

But what do I do? He's not abusive physically or verbally. I doubt there will be help for me if I ask for it when there are women out there facing violence daily. If I called the police, there's nothing they could do as Me or the children are in any danger.

I don't know where to start. Or what to do.

I have no family locally I can go to. I can ask him to leave, but I doubt he will. We have a fairly small house, so sleeping separately is out of the question.

Please don't think I'm weak. I'm very, very sad. And of course I want to protect my children.

You don't want your children to grow up around this? Well newsflash they already are!!

Only he can help himself here... you can support and will him to change and nag and encourage all you like but this change has to come from him and if you enable him it's unlikely to happen.

Sounds like in protecting the children from his drinking you are just enabling him to continue. You aren't protecting them, they will know!

My ex was a heavy drinker when we met, it escalated... I spent far to many years living with it. My children have been affected by this. The whole family relief when I asked him to leave was immense. Our home was instantly a nicer place to be. Do not underestimate the impact this will have on you and your children.

I stood by my dh during his addiction to drugs. We had dd2 and i was pregnant. We got him into rehab, he spent 6 weeks away. Once out he joined NA and attends meetings regularly. Its not an easy road, and supporting someone in recovery can be very hard but very doable.
However dh is living the sober life and back to the man i married.
I will also note he is a great father who lost his way but has more than proved himself

Have you phoned any agencies or help lines available for help, that would be your first start.
Contact you children's health visitor, they are there for all the family not just the children.

Is he a functioning alcoholic?
I would think it's not the drinking he's got to look into, more the reasons and triggers.
So more counseling and maybe even look to live somewhere extremely difficult to get his hands on drink.
Tbh he sounds like he's committed to the family but has no idea how to manage his situation which could eventually result in him losing his family.
Does his extended family know? Can you all get on board and work with him to talk about what makes him feel that this is the only outlet?
Your responsibility ultimately lies with your children's health and wellbeing and you may need to ship him out somewhere to get the help he needs without them seeing daddy in a sleep like state most evenings/weekends.

Op people will be hard on you on here because they have either experience or understanding or even because they want to be. Maybe get the thread moved to relationships.
You can get help it is an abusive relationship

The children will notice. They will smell it off him. They will see a change in his eyes and voice. They will understand the mood is different.

You’re in total denial.

I lived with an alcoholic for two years. During lockdown I’ve thought back to this time and how unbearable it would have been to have been stuck with him in a lockdown situation. Stressful, draining, miserable.

It’s probably not possible right now to leave him but you should use this time to make an exit strategy.

Men like this NEVER change. Inevitably they only get worse.

Life is short, don’t put yourself or your children through this.

You need to tell him- get sober or we split. It really is that simple.
If he cannot get sober (and there a ton of resources out there to help, even online) then you need to get some legal advice about what to do next. Bear in mind that i the chooses booze above you and the kids then that says it all really doesnt it?
Good luck!

Does he accept he has a problem? Would he be willing to go to AA? Has he spoken to his doctor about medical detox?

If he wants to be sober then he has a chance, if he works at it. If he doesn't - then you just have to bite the bullet and separate. No other option.

@savingshoes yes he is a functioning alcoholic. He has tried before to stop but just can't.
His family know, however his mum is a child of an alcoholic and she is pretty much useless at offering support.

I think you need to talk to him direct and tell him exaxctly what you feel. That is, that you've had enough of his behaviour and he has a choice- either he needs to get back on the wagon and stop drinking altogether or he moves out now and stays elsewhere. Failing that, then is there anywere that you and the kids could go to stay? He needs to see that this is serious and you mean business when you speak of the changes he needs to make.
Get rid of the alcohol in the house and insist that he gets up at a reasonanble time each day, and looks for some online support for his alcoholism.

I don’t know why posters give women like this a hard time - she’s asking for help. She knows there is a problem, posting snarky messages just makes vulnerable women leave the thread.

OP if your still here - you know he has an illness. And you know he isn’t at the point at recognising that. At this moment of time you can’t help him.

What you can do is help you and your children by protecting them from his addiction. They or you don’t need to be dragged through this too. This is a path that only your husband can walk.

I’d start off by today asking him to join AA. If he hasn’t been by the end of the week there is your first real cue that he isn’t trying to change. He can only start this process if he wants to. But you mustn’t fall in to the trap that he many other redeeming qualities and that’s why you will stay - He is at the moment an alcoholic. That is no life for you or your children to be around.

You draw your own boundary. If he can’t move forward then you have to leave.

Very very tough for you but lots of women and men leave there alcoholic partners. If they can do it so can you. You and your children will be much happier with him being dry or not living with him. Start the process today.