Alcoholic husband - I can't do this anymore

[binkyblinky]

Hi ladies I need some advice or some support because I don't know what to do.

My husband has always been a heavy drinker from his days in the army. When we met I didn't realise how heavy he drunk until we moved in together about two years later. I had two small children when we met who were six months and 20 months old.

He drinks every night and never in front of the children. Mid week it will be 4 to 8 cans of Fosters and at the weekend this can increase to 12 cans sometimes more. There have been various large incidents in our relationship caused by his drinking, sometimes he will stay in bed all day and he is in A terrible mood until he has a drink.

I would like to add importantly he has never been violent or aggressive with me or the children, I would not stand for that. He is a fantastic dad to the children generally.

We have been married for 3 1/2 years and we now have a son of our own. When I became pregnant he decided that it was time to change his drinking Waze and changed to a different drink with lower alcohol content and also wouldn't drink every day however this lockdown has made me realise the problem is still very much there and I don't know what to do about it.

He has been buying his alcohol in bulk and then drinking it straight away so it doesn't last. This morning I came downstairs to say he had drank over half a bottle of gin as well as 12 cans of Fosters. He was passed out on the sofa all the lights were on and the front door was unlocked. I told him to go upstairs because I didn't want our baby to smell or see him like this (18 months)

I have attended Al-Anon family meetings before. It makes me feel so sad to see my husband and such a wonderful hard-working man battling this addiction/illness. I am torn as I know it is an illness being addicted to alcohol, but I don't know how much more I can take seeing him in these states. I don't want my children to grow up around this.

He has tried to stop drinking before and been unsuccessful. I want to tell him to leave and come back when he sort himself out but this isn't going to go away is it, what do I do to protect my children? Can anyone advise me or has anyone been in the same situation as I find myself in.

It isn't as easy as just get up and leave and I feel so very sad.

My dad is an alcoholic. I and my brother have 'known' in some capacity since we were very little. It has been one of the most difficult parts of my life.

I love him so much but I can't forgive what he has put us and my mum through. My mum is disabled so her options were limited when we were young and even more so now. He still drinks. I find it really hard to talk about but please think about the long term effects on your children. It will affect them if it hasn't already.

I don't know who to ask for help. I accept it would fall under abuse but isn't violent. So who do I ask. The council will say I make
Myself and children intentionally homeless if I leave.

National centre for domestic violence - just spoken to them, absolutely useless, they don't have phone help until Monday (plus he isn't violent)

I can't see an option to call women's aid on their website

@Mauidemigod Thankyou. I am very upset and no, I don't want to be subjected to nastiness on here. I am sad, alone and I need help. I have nobody that I can ask.

You need to talk to him about it as a first step. He's added spirits to the mix now so it's escalating. Does he ever talk about how he's feeling or just open a beer?

Ask to move this thread to relationships. Aibu can be quite blunt.

However, a lot of posters so far are speaking from experience. Don't dismiss us all as being nasty please. That certainly wasnt my intention. My father's alcoholism and my mum inability / reluctance to recognise what he was doing has made me angry in the past but I'm mostly sad about it.

Could you get into contact with someone from al-anon? Their support has greatly helped people I know in similar situations. You mentioned having been, do you have anyone's number to speak to in real life?

@wowfudge no, never discusses his feelings. There is a pattern over the years of low drinking, but it slowly increases and all blows up.

@theseriousmoonlight I'm sorry. I'm not saying everyone is nasty and I do need to hear people being blunt. But I also need practical advice too, not to be made out to be a terrible mother. I'm doing the best I can which is obviously not very good

I don’t think anyone is being nasty.

What’s the point in sugarcoating the situation?

An alcoholic is a vampire who will suck the life out of you and your children too.

There is also no helping (or talking to) an alcoholic. The ONLY person who can help them is themselves.

Maybe some people need it said plainly and told to them straight - calling that “nastiness” just clouds the issue with sanctimony.

Put it this way. I wish someone had been blunt with me about my alcoholic ex. I wasted precious life on him I will never get back. Once again, life is short.

@Sadie789 I agree. Life is passing by. I feel
So, so sad.

I just don't know where to start

What support can Al-Anon give you?

And does he accept there's a problem?

I agree that you need to have a frank discussion with him about this and explain how it makes you feel. Be blunt. Tell him that if he continues to drink you will have to leave (when you can)

You say he was in the army - does he have any old friends from there he might listen to?

Financially, not great but I could manage. Morgage is in his name house too. He has plenty of savings but I don't.

This is irrelevant as you are married. All marital assets.

Hi op. Ignore the blanket judgements from some. I'm sure he is generally a great dad and husband. He is ill at the moment with alcoholism. I'm sure he can bear this. Sounds like he's trying so hard to be a good person outside if his alcoholism. (it is an illness). I wouldn't recommend Al anon. It starts making you believe you're an enabler and you need help mentally and its all a bit unscientific and unobjective. I think AA would be a good place to start for DH so that he can talk through his problems without fear of judgement and to build up a support network of recovery. However he needs to want to get there. Has he ever admitted he isn't in control of his drinking? Do you think he'd try AA?

There is also no helping (or talking to) an alcoholic. The ONLY person who can help them is themselves.

Totally agree. Sad but very true. You need to concentrate on you and your children OP.

Known a lot of heavy drinkers/alcoholics over the years and for some when they realise it is a problem they can cut their consumption down.
However I don’t think any who cut the amount they drank down, stuck to it long term.

I think there is a window of opportunity in the early days to cut down and stick to a safe amount
But for the ones that got a handle on their drinking who you would categorise as long term heavy drinkers cutting out booze altogether was the only way forward.

On their many attempts to cut down they would say they were sticking to one glass per night then the glass would get bigger and then it led to a couple of glasses and before they knew it they were back to where they started.

I think a sensible conversation later today on maybe looking at cutting it out altogether as one beer just leads to another and another and the beer takes away all his resolve and he can’t seem to stop.

Whilst you might think you are shielding your children but as they get older and stay up later they will soon cotton on to daddy’s drinking

Beat not bear

Op I really feel for you, it’s a very difficult position to be in, addiction is horrendous but to overcome an addiction there are two important things needed.

1. he must recognise he has a problem and want to address it
2. support both inform of professional and social

Have a look around this website www.changegrowlive.org/

Please don’t through all the alcohol away. Stopping cold turkey can cause serious illness, he needs a reduction plan and he needs to stick to it.

Good luck op

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread. You say he was in the army, and is the drinking only at night? If so is he doing it to knock himself out to go to sleep? Is there history or do you think PTSD?

I also dont agree anyone is being nasty. People are speaking plainly because they have had specific experience with alcoholics and its not something to be sugar coated or told it will all just be fine. It wont.

Ive worked in detox wards and you cannot underestimate the attachment some people have to booze. Its utterly shocking- they choose it over their own kids. Everyone has wished the OP well but some rightly pointed out elements in her original post which looked like denial. Noone passed out in a drunken stupor can ever be a good dad and thats the truth. Yes it hurts to admit that but its true. He is the only one who can make a change here and I really hope he does OP.

Good luck!

Op please ignore the blanket judges. Alcoholics arent nasty bad people. They're sick. I was an alky (didn't drink very often but when I did I couldn't control it) I was so desperate to stop. 90% of the time I was a wonderful mother and wife and grestcstcnt job. 10% I was a wreck. I sought help through AA in the end as I could not face another binge and the torture it brings believe me I was devastated by my failings. I still know I was not a bad person. I was sick. Nobody was more angry at me than myself. AA really helped with the non judgmental safe place to talk. The programme isn't overly for me but it's great to remind myself I can never drink again. Some great people there. I've not desired a drink since. Thankfully my DH didn't throw me to one side and we're strong and happy with a wonderful life. Kids are thriving beautifully. I'm sober and so bloody grateful. I'll never stop being grateful for my sobriety. It's wonderful. It'll be hideous for your DH at first. But one day I have faith he'll get sober. I believe you that he's a wonderful person outside of alcohol. The only problem is - he has to want to abstain and seek help (AA better for long term help) do protect yourself and your children if he goes on a binge and kindly let him know (calmly) that if he doesn't seek help you'll have to live separately until you see some action. I hope he'll make the right choice. Good luck. Sobriety Is possible

Have you ever spoken to him about it? Does he see it as a problem?

I think you need to have a conversation with him, not in an accusatory way as he will likely shut down. Rather to see if he actually wants to stop and access treatment/rehab

I think this is what it comes down to OP, he has to want to make the change for himself. If he refuses to do this then you need to take a step back and think about what is best for you and your children. You can't do the hard work for him.

@alexis some if us alkys are good people and have been desperately ill with it despite our own desperation to stop. Some of us do seek help and recover you know. I'm living proof. I'm sober happy and so bloody grateful for it. We're not all scum you know

I grew up with a high functioning alcoholic mother. Every evening she was passed out on the sofa having drank two bottles of wine.

She won't admit there is an issue as she has a large house, great job and can wake up of a morning feeling fresh. She chooses not to acknowledge how it affected my sister and I growing up, the kids will understand much more than you know.

Mum was passed out by 5:30pm every evening, we heard her crying downstairs wallowing in drunken self pity. I would have to cook for my younger sister and take her to bed. She would go missing at night. She was verbally abusive.

I hate that I had to grow up around her. I do not touch alcohol now as a result. It was very traumatic.

She still drinks, 30 years later and has never acknowledged the problem, thinks sister and I are drama queens.

I had an engagement bbq so that my fiance and my family could meet. Mum passed out in a deckchair from alcohol and then cried for two hours, I got someone to take her home. It was very embarrassing, my partners family were polite but you could tell they were like wow.

So maybe incidents, she has never changed. I know she is ill but that doesnt stop me having a real dislike and resentment of her.

Just be careful your kids don't feel that anger towards you for not protecting them, just because he is isn't violent shouldn't be the excuse to stay.

You cannot imagine the sadness your children will feel when they're adults.

I actually disagree.
Apart from ONE time he waits till the children are in bed. They dont see and aren't involved. He is not abusive, nasty or negligent. He presumably is aware that you are there as an responsible adult when he drinks, so the kids are not being neglected.

I think you need to be wary with the mumsnet instant 'leave the bastard' advice.
Really OP. There are many many, people drinking loads more to get through lockdown..
I would wait personally, rather than make a scene now. Pick a time when there is less pressure to broach it with him.
I'm sure he's worried about it too.
At the end of the day he does sounds like a kind responsible man who nearly always contains his drink. He sounds alcohol dependent to me, but he is not doing extreme alcoholic behaviour like hiding bottles of vodka around the house and drinking during the day.
He holds down a good job and is a kind dad.

Really, I know I'm.going to get flamed for this but the advice om this thread is way too extreme. ducking head and waiting for reams of unpleasant ranty follow up messages
I was married to a lazy git for 23 years who never lifted a finger, I'd have given anything to swap him for a man who was a good dad but drank a bit of weak old Fosters in the evenings.

If he recognises the problem, you can seek help for him together. He is ill.

If he doesn't recognise it, you don't have many other options.

Have you ever sat down with him and said, point blank, you need to stop drinking or you need to leave? That is where you start.

Oh, OP, I am so sad for you. You need a really good real life friend or relative who can support you as you go through the process of leaving him. And, yes, as others have said do go back to Al-Anon, because that will stop you from questioning the validity of what you are doing. They will help you to see that it is the right thing to do.

Please don't end up like the poster I see regularly on Mumsnet who has been talking about leaving her alcoholic husband for the sake of the children for 9 YEARS!! Imagine the harm that has been done to those children in all that time. Please be stronger. Good luck to you!