Alcoholic husband - I can't do this anymore

[binkyblinky]

Hi ladies I need some advice or some support because I don't know what to do.

My husband has always been a heavy drinker from his days in the army. When we met I didn't realise how heavy he drunk until we moved in together about two years later. I had two small children when we met who were six months and 20 months old.

He drinks every night and never in front of the children. Mid week it will be 4 to 8 cans of Fosters and at the weekend this can increase to 12 cans sometimes more. There have been various large incidents in our relationship caused by his drinking, sometimes he will stay in bed all day and he is in A terrible mood until he has a drink.

I would like to add importantly he has never been violent or aggressive with me or the children, I would not stand for that. He is a fantastic dad to the children generally.

We have been married for 3 1/2 years and we now have a son of our own. When I became pregnant he decided that it was time to change his drinking Waze and changed to a different drink with lower alcohol content and also wouldn't drink every day however this lockdown has made me realise the problem is still very much there and I don't know what to do about it.

He has been buying his alcohol in bulk and then drinking it straight away so it doesn't last. This morning I came downstairs to say he had drank over half a bottle of gin as well as 12 cans of Fosters. He was passed out on the sofa all the lights were on and the front door was unlocked. I told him to go upstairs because I didn't want our baby to smell or see him like this (18 months)

I have attended Al-Anon family meetings before. It makes me feel so sad to see my husband and such a wonderful hard-working man battling this addiction/illness. I am torn as I know it is an illness being addicted to alcohol, but I don't know how much more I can take seeing him in these states. I don't want my children to grow up around this.

He has tried to stop drinking before and been unsuccessful. I want to tell him to leave and come back when he sort himself out but this isn't going to go away is it, what do I do to protect my children? Can anyone advise me or has anyone been in the same situation as I find myself in.

It isn't as easy as just get up and leave and I feel so very sad.

Thankyou everyone for your support.

We've had a long conversation. He has said his behaviour is unacceptable. Said his work has always been his bedrock and he is finding it difficult being out of work (he was furloughed 5 weeks ago)

There were lots of tears (from him) and lots of cross words from me. He has said if I want him to go, then he will go.

I have said he must get help and dramatically reduce his drinking with a view to giving up entirely.

Praying this works

@binkyblinky So glad to hear this. Set clear boundaries and expectations and stick to them. Also be prepared to need to work on this as a family separately if he can't stick to the rules you set by him moving out of the family home while you work on it as a team but not living together

He has plenty of savings but I don't.

You are married. Don't you think there's something wrong with this statement, OP?

@HollowTalk no, I don't. When we got together I was in a financial mess. He had just lost a grandparent and was left some money. He used a large portion of his savings to put toward buying our home. I am not on the mortgage because I wouldn't be given one, due to the mess my ex left me with.

Well, you might not feel you are entitled to a share of the benefit of his savings, but your children are. And you're all entitled to a share of your home.

My DF is Ex forces and a functioning alcoholic too. There was a big drinking culture when he was in and he got worse after transitioning to civvy street. There are a number of charities that will specifically help veterans with addictions. Try combat stress, they may help or signpost.

Has your DH spoken to his GP?

When my DH hit his rock bottom he went to the GP who referred him immediately for group then one to one addiction counselling followed by CBT.

Wow. Had to come back to say we'll done to you and DH for having that very difficult mother of all conversations. So very brave for both you and him. I hope you both showed each other lots of love. Be kind and supportive of himm this'll be scary shit for him. But do stand strong on your resolve. You need to see action now. He should ring AA helpline and at least start the ball rolling on taking to recovered alcoholics. Despite popular opinion alcoholics recover everyday and there's plenty of people on the end of thar phone line who'll empathise and tell him the way forward. AA is a bit scary and it's not fir everyone but beggars can't be choosers and he needs reminding of that. I really hope he makes that call. Gp based support is OK but it's not great long term. Anonymous support is probably better if he's worried about his job etc. If he goes back on his word - you'll need to take action in the form of perhaps getting him to move out for a bit. Both of you need to follow up your words with action. You'll both get there. Well done op. This could be the start of the rest of your lives. You're in my thoughts both of you xx

I have literally just posted on another thread about pretty much exact same scenario. So...I’m repeating what I said there pretty much

I am the daughter, granddaughter (all 3 were army too) niece and cousin of alcoholics.

For your children’s sake get out now!

You cannot save him, only he can do that and only if he chooses to.

It is a miserable, unstable, toxic existence for children living with an alcoholic and increases THEIR risk of becoming addicts too. Some studies say 3-4 times more likely from what I’ve read. The exact reasons why are complex.

My sister is also an addict.

I have major mental health issues as a result that in all likelihood I will never significantly recover from. My brother is functioning at the moment but I worry he too will succumb to mh issues in the future.

At the very least separate until he is off it for a significant amount of time and is properly in recovery - NOT attempting to do it alone.

None of the addicts in my family that managed to gain meaningful recovery did so without hitting a major downward spin. Also none of them did it alone.

There are various methods and programmes, different things work for different people. But the ones that gained and maintained sobriety long term kept doing whatever it was that worked for them, be that AA, church recovery groups, gp led recovery programmes or whatever. And I’m talking decades later not weeks or months.

It NEVER goes away totally and even addicts no longer partaking of the substance can still be addicts (google “dry drunk”)

It is not just not drinking that = true sobriety.

Honestly as I said initially? I think the best thing is get the hell out now!

There is no WE when it comes to alcoholism - a quote from the other thread that is true.

There is NOTHING that YOU can do about this. “Going sober together” is a fantasy.

There’s a book I recommend you read which I think very accurately describes/shows addiction from an addicts perspective, I think it’s so accurate because it is written by an alcoholic.

It’s described as “chick lit” and is funny and entertaining but there are points that really hit home.

Rachel’s holiday by Marian Keyes.

Other books may be recommended and may be more “hard hitting” but I think the reason why this one works is because the “world” in the book is pretty normal! The protagonist (and her family) is someone we can easily recognise.

The 3 truisms about having a relationship with an addict

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You cannot cure it.

So they just think he's in bed which is not normal. How old are all dc now?

Regarding practical steps, get advice from an experienced lawyer ASAP. As you are married you may have a claim to the family home and from sounds of things he may even be willing to allow you and dc to continue living there.

Op I remember my df ‘just in bed’ as a child. I adored my df and worried and worried that he was very ill on these days. I would try and make medicine and special drinks to heal him.
He was hungover.
DM gave him an ultimatum when I was 10 or so, he got sober. I can’t remember ever seeing him drunk, and wouldn’t even k ow he was an alcoholic if he and DM hadn’t told me.
But the alcoholic dysfunction is all through my family, the f’ed up dynamics, the legacy of generations of alcoholism. I have chosen alcoholic partners and now have issues with drinking myself. It is more than the drinking itself, it is all the behaviour around it.

Well done for having the chat and I hope it works. Is he seeking outside help though as this stood out to me in your previous update:

When baby arrived, he tried so hard and mixed in bud light with no alcohol

This doesn't seem like something to celebrate - hes not trying hard here as he's still drinking and the fact you think this is worth mentioning makes me really sad for you. Did you mix in some Bud Lights as you were caring for your newborn baby or did you manage to abstain so you could be in control for when your baby needed you.. I'm not saying he couldn't have a drink on an occasion but the way that's written is that he continued with his regular drinking but with lighter beer and then sometimes no alcohol at all.. it should be the opposite to that!

@SanFranBear some people cannot just stop abruptly. Medical professionals while advise that. At least he's trying. Why bash his attempts? It's not like he's saying 'fuck you' and beating her up. He's addicted. At least he's admitted he has a problem. It's the first step. Your attitude is not helpful

limpbizkit the whole point of an alcohol detox is indeed that you reduce quite gradually so that you aren't in danger of acute withdrawal effects - but make no mistake, the aim is to get to zero alcohol use. And OP's husband has not tried to get to that point at all.

Which is why he needs to take proactive steps to get support with his drinking, and when lockdown is over he needs to look into a proper detox and rehab programme. Just reducing it a bit isn't going to cut it - this is a man who can never drink again.

The worst thing about alcoholism is it’s not a binary situation. People can be lovely , hard working kind etc and still be alcoholics. And people are vile abusive and alcoholic. And some people can be both at the same time!

Those of us that love them go through a kaleidoscope of emotions on a daily basis depending on “who” the person is. We watch out for signs, we try to control the situation. It’s never ending. And yet it is often impossible to stop loving them.

I experienced everything with my fathers alcoholism. Sadly it never left him but also I never stopped loving him. I can’t offer any good advice OP because I don’t think I handled things well but so just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you,

At least he's trying - doesn't sound that way to me at all... OP has said he's admitted in the past he has a problem but nothing changes. How is that trying?

Sorry if my attitude isn't to your liking but OP is the one asking for support, not her alcoholic husband and, like the vast majority of people on this thread, can see that the gentle approach, holding his hand, talking it through for the umpteenth time is not going to work.

I wish you the very best, OP - I hope this is the time that it sticks but if not, there will always be people on here willing to listen if you need to talk

Op-you sound like a very strong person. Here's what I would do:

1. Write yourself a letter- write what your dh currently does that you are not ok with. What things are deal breakers for you/ damage to your children? Be specific. Choose a date- maybe 6 weeks time? Put letter in an envelope- put date you've decided on envelope put envelope somewhere safe. Open envelope on date you've agreed if terms n conditions you've set out haven't been followed, you leave.
2. Look after yourself as much as you can. Focus on getting enough sleep, eating well, relaxing.
3. Find someone who you can confide in who can help you through this- a friend/ a counsellor/ someone from Alanon. It doesn't matter who- even writing a diary would help.

I am with SanFranBear nothing he is saying is indicating that he is ready to tackle the problem.

You are the one in the driving seat to get him off alcohol and he is just along for the ride.

The only thing he has offered to do is to leave (presumably so he can carry on drinking)
Everything else was you.

As I said upthread. Only he can decide if he wants to give up and weeping and letting you take over his treatment isn’t his decision

I left my alcoholic fiancée many moons ago OP, but I was lucky in that I had no children for him so that made the practicalities so much easier. He drank like a lunatic for a further ten years, eventually getting himself into rehab and sorting himself out. My child (from a previous relationship) was very young when I left, but had I stayed would have been a teenager by the time my ex got sober. I’ll never stop being thankful that I left when I did and didn’t subject my child to that.

You have to tell him to choose between his family and the booze. Horribly difficult I know, but you have to put it to him. His reaction will be your answer and will give you all the direction you need.

I am sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s hell. Believe me I loved my fiancée and if he’d been one of the few that turn their lives around that marriage would have happened. Leaving was so so hard, but also so necessary. I can look my son in the eye today and not have to make excuses about why I stayed with a drop down drunk. That’s not a conversation any mother wants to store up for the future. Also, if there is any hope for your DP and the future of your relationship, this is your only chance to secure it. I wish you the very best. Good luck, x

Sorry OP, I don’t know how I missed your post about the conversation, I thought I’d read the whole thread.

Just one word of caution - I think leaving the door open for moderate drinking could be a massive mistake. It certainly would have been in my ex’s case!

@Waitinginthewings has good advice. Non judgemental but practical and wise