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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Alcoholic husband - I can't do this anymore

120 replies

binkyblinky · 25/04/2020 08:47

Hi ladies I need some advice or some support because I don't know what to do.

My husband has always been a heavy drinker from his days in the army. When we met I didn't realise how heavy he drunk until we moved in together about two years later. I had two small children when we met who were six months and 20 months old.

He drinks every night and never in front of the children. Mid week it will be 4 to 8 cans of Fosters and at the weekend this can increase to 12 cans sometimes more. There have been various large incidents in our relationship caused by his drinking, sometimes he will stay in bed all day and he is in A terrible mood until he has a drink.

I would like to add importantly he has never been violent or aggressive with me or the children, I would not stand for that. He is a fantastic dad to the children generally.

We have been married for 3 1/2 years and we now have a son of our own. When I became pregnant he decided that it was time to change his drinking Waze and changed to a different drink with lower alcohol content and also wouldn't drink every day however this lockdown has made me realise the problem is still very much there and I don't know what to do about it.

He has been buying his alcohol in bulk and then drinking it straight away so it doesn't last. This morning I came downstairs to say he had drank over half a bottle of gin as well as 12 cans of Fosters. He was passed out on the sofa all the lights were on and the front door was unlocked. I told him to go upstairs because I didn't want our baby to smell or see him like this (18 months)

I have attended Al-Anon family meetings before. It makes me feel so sad to see my husband and such a wonderful hard-working man battling this addiction/illness. I am torn as I know it is an illness being addicted to alcohol, but I don't know how much more I can take seeing him in these states. I don't want my children to grow up around this.

He has tried to stop drinking before and been unsuccessful. I want to tell him to leave and come back when he sort himself out but this isn't going to go away is it, what do I do to protect my children? Can anyone advise me or has anyone been in the same situation as I find myself in.

It isn't as easy as just get up and leave and I feel so very sad.

OP posts:

Sadie789 · 25/04/2020 10:11

@Chootchoot yes you are going to get flamed and rightly so.

Being married to a “lazy git” and being trapped on a terrifying, neverending rollercoaster with an alcoholic are two entirely different situations.

And of course the kids know.

limpbizkit · 25/04/2020 10:11

Op if your DH starts a thread on here reaching out for help he'll get some really supportive messages. It never goes down well on here when it's written from the partners perspective. Alkies are hated. But please be reassured that some of us do recover and live productive lives and are loving and kind partners and parents. It is possible. Please suggest AA to dh. You'll ajwsys get people on here who are sadly affected by an alcholic who never sought help and instead of giving you productive hopeful advice from the recovered aspect they'll just assume your husband doesn't want help. Let's go down the help route first. If he really wants help there is a way out.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 25/04/2020 10:12

We're not all scum you know

I 100% dont believe alcoholics are scum. I have never once said that. I recognise that good people can slide into addiction in a very insidious manner and that by the grace of God, we could all end up there. Noone is special or above addiction. It could happen to any of us.

But that said, you cannot deny that the behaviour of people in the grip of addiction can be unbelievably toxic and damaging to others. People have a right to remove themselves from that kind of environment and to protect their children from it. Those two points I have mentioned can both exist at the same time. It isnt either/or

theseriousmoonlight · 25/04/2020 10:13

@binkyblinky you are not being a terrible mother. You see a problem and you know you need help to fix it. Your husband isnt being a terrible father either. He has an illness but it is an illness that will affect you and your children.

I do know that we couldn't force my dad to get help. We couldn't convince him. We couldn't threaten him, be rational with him, have a conversation with him. He lied. All the time. I can never fully trust him.

rosie1959 · 25/04/2020 10:13

OP he is not a bad person just someone suffering from alcoholism
Will he try to get help? For the first time AA meetings have had to go online If he calls to helpline someone will help him find a meeting
For some it may well be easier to join an online meeting rather than actually have to go in person
He has nothing to lose and a lot to gain
Sober myself for nearly 15 years AA saved my life

limpbizkit · 25/04/2020 10:13

@Chootchoot

VisionQuest · 25/04/2020 10:13

Choot - He's drinking 12 cans a night and is now getting stuck into the spirits. Lockdown or not, this is hugely excessive.

Also, he might be a 'good Dad' (although this is debatable) but what about the OP? He's not a good husband is he? Drinking himself into oblivion every night. What is she getting out of this relationship? Nothing but heartache by the sounds of it.

limpbizkit · 25/04/2020 10:14

@Chootchootbim im with you. Thanks fir your kindness towards op and her dh

Snowymascot · 25/04/2020 10:15

I feel really sad for you and your children and unless he sees that he has a problem and wants help there is nothing you can do for him, but you can help yourself and your children.

I and a child of an alcoholic and I have to say it made my childhood a misery.
A bit like your scenario my mum met my dad who was in the forces, married him and he left the forces not long after I was born and she didn’t realise how bad his drinking was.

It won’t get better unless he chooses it to. I can’t speak for yourself but as I said my childhood was a misery and I felt my mum chose a man over her children as she chose to stay and endure that rather than be free of it. In my opinion as the children get older his drinking will get worse, as he will start to drink in front of them.

Can you not go and stay with family? I understand you might not want to to that just now with lockdown but is it something you can do once lockdown is over?

DocusDiplo · 25/04/2020 10:17

Alcoholism is vile. I wish you hadn't had a baby with him before he was sober and committed to it. It's probably better to get out early whilst children are young but you won't do that so meh. Alcoholism means he can't be rational nor, more importantly, trust him.

Silentplikebath · 25/04/2020 10:22

Your husband isn’t a bad person but he needs help for his addiction. You have to talk to him to see if he is prepared to seek treatment. Unfortunately, he has to be ready to accept that his problem is serious and he can’t do this by himself.

limpbizkit · 25/04/2020 10:22

@rosie1959 is correct the AA meetings are online. That's very daunting for a new member. @rosie might know if the helpline is still manned? I assume so. People on the helpline are all sober alkys with very similar stories to tell. They were so helpful to me in early days of admitting my problem.

rpennington15 · 25/04/2020 10:26

I am so sorry you are in this situation it sounds really tough! Life is difficult and we all have problems along the way. This is sonething we all have yo learn. However a home should be a safe place as much as is possible.

If you confront your partner and be honest about how you feel and your concerns and he still continues as he has been going then he is pushing you and the children away. You cant stop him taking that path but you can offer support to change. Ultimately its up to him but hopefully he realises that getting help is the only way out of this trap he has himself in.

He has put you in a very difficult situation. Im sure it must be heart breaking! I do hope you take care of you and know people beat addiction and dependency every day!! If he wants to change he can. If he refuses he has given you his answer but you can walk knowing you did everything you could for him.

lovepickledlimes · 25/04/2020 10:35

You DH sounds very much like my late DF. He could drink beer as if it was water and really still be functioning. He never behaved badly or aggressively during those times and the only time I can remember him putting me at risk was once when he had a few beers with his cousins and then decided to drive both of us back to my grandparents house.

I really was not able to even tell the differences between him sober and drunk until I was in my mid to late teens the two modes are that subtle. Though my mum did say neighbors were able to smell it on him.

I think it is harsh some of the responses on here and I have seen from my own DF you can still be a active father even as a functioning alcoholic. I will say this though that you need to work on this as a family. His lifestyle could be driving him into an early grave. Losing my father at 30 before I was able to get married or have children is so painful. All these milestones he is unable to so maybe in that sense he was not a good father that he did not look after himself.

EmbarrassingMama · 25/04/2020 10:35

You need to leave him. He needs to hit rock bottom before he can get better and he will never hit rock bottom with you there looking out for him.

I have first hand experience of this. It is heartbreaking and I am so sorry.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/04/2020 10:36

@limpbizkit you're projecting meaning into posts that aren't there because of your own experiences. It's not helpful. Many of us have experience of trying to parent with an alcoholic or being raised by one (or in many cases both) so try some humility and listening to what people are saying.

@Chootchoot what a stupid comment. You chose to stay with a shit husband, but you clearly have no idea what living with an alcoholic is like. Your comments are deeply unhelpful.

copycopypaste · 25/04/2020 10:40

His primary relationship is with alcohol, not you, not his kids, but alcohol

limpbizkit · 25/04/2020 10:41

@CodenameVillanelle I'm trying to help the op. You are projecting I'm afraid. The op is giving us her experience. You're projecting your experience of an alcoholic that wouldn't seek help. Your posts are the unhelpful ones. Sorry for your experiences by the way

DatingDickheads · 25/04/2020 10:41

When my ex told me he was going to stop/cut down on his drinking he just started hiding it. I found hidden bottles all over the house. He was never going to change so I eventually left him. Personally it was the best thing I ever done.

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2020 10:41

@limpbizkit
Hi op. Ignore the blanket judgements from some. I'm sure he is generally a great dad and husband

You really do have low standards, don't you?

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2020 10:45

Apologies @limpbizkit

But even if you have direct experience as a recovering alcoholic you are not looking at it from the other perspective.

lovepickledlimes · 25/04/2020 10:46

@CodenameVillanelle I have seen what it can be like for a single mother from my own mother. She was practically treated like a pariah by some women, some who remained friends made a real effort that is she was at all invited she was sat never next to their own husbands. My DM never did anything to provoke such reactions, she was never a flirt, a dignified lady and never would do anything what they were worried about. Trust me it was hard. If a husband is a good husband and father other then drinking once the children are in bed is it really worth throwing everything away?

CodenameVillanelle · 25/04/2020 10:47

FFS
Alcoholics aren't good husbands or fathers. Your poor mother's experience with her judgemental neighbours is irrelevant frankly.

Chista · 25/04/2020 10:47

OP I can see you are in pain and want to do what is right by your children but also want to help the man you love. It can be very hard and it's even harder under lockdown.

Al Anon will support you as family but not him, there are many helplines and a lot of groups are now doing online meetings, AA isn't for everyone but there are things such as SMART recovery too.

I disagree that there is no talking to an addict. Yes ultimately the decision to stop lies in their hands, the battle must be won in their minds first, however, talking about the impact of a loved ones drinking is fundamental to their recovery and abstinence.

He may not realise just how much he is drinking - have him keep a drink diary, ask him to contact an agency and attend online meetings.

If you need any support or resources, PM and let me know your area, I can give you advice on support in your local area.

On a personal level, my DH was a heavy drinker, it got to the point where something needed to change - either he stopped or I needed to leave. An intervention took place and now he does not have issues with alcohol and knows his triggers and we can always talk about them

limpbizkit · 25/04/2020 10:47

Right I'm off this thread it's turned into a Al anon meeting for the wounded parties of active alcoholics. It's not perhaps what the op was looking for and it also doesn't help me and my positivity for recovery of which I was trying to give to the op. Some hope for her and DH. Good luck op. I'm off

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