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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked for a break on Monday from the kids and basically told no.

115 replies

Needtobepositive · 23/04/2020 22:06

My husband has a day off on Monday (not a keyworker but able to go to work alone and do his usual job) and I’ve found the last couple of days really hard work with the kids. We aren’t getting a break from each other and the stresses of home learning are getting to us. One of them is also chronically ill and I do all the care for that. I asked if on Monday he could take the kids out for their hour exercise while I stay home and enjoy an hours peace. He asked when he got his hours peace and I told him he gets it at work all day as he works alone. He said he’s working so it’s not peace. I know he’s working but he’s not dealing with health issues he’s not dealing with home learning and arguing kids. He’s not nagging them to get on. His routine is as normal and ours is disrupted. AIBU?

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 24/04/2020 07:47

I thought they were going to be very young. Surely at that age they can entertain themselves for a good length of time. That aside, yeah your husband is an arse.

CanICelebrate · 24/04/2020 07:53

I think he’s being unreasonable about Monday as it’s only an hour.

I’m working full time from home (teacher) and my dh is a full time key worker out of the house. I have 3 dc at home with me all day and it’s really really hard work. As soon as dh gets in I go out alone for an hour!

However I do think YABU about his ‘alone’ time being at work as he is working very long hours to support you all.
In my house we are both working full time and trying to school/ motivate/ look after kids which is a very different scenario. I’ve actually had a day off work this week and but it’s SO much easier being at home off work with the dc than working from home with the dc!

Ragwort · 24/04/2020 07:54

And you’ve had three children with this useless dick of a man Hmm?

These threads are so familiar and so depressing.

Agree with others that you must make the effort to go out on your own for a decent break (& an ‘hour’ is not the Law). Also your DC need to understand that they must amuse themselves, it sounds like everyone is treating you with a complete lack of respect in your home & taking you for granted, don’t let yourself be a martyr.

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2020 07:54

All this overtime he does, is that something done out of financial need? Or has he just made that decision himself for his own reasons?

BarbaraofSeville · 24/04/2020 07:57

Yes, tell the DC that for half a day every week, they are to entertain themselves quietly somewhere away from you and only come and get you if someone is bleeding, not breathing, the house is on fire, or similar.

Your DH also needs to spend time with his DC. Has he ever taken charge of all of them at the same time for an extended period?

When all this is over, you'd do well to retrain, get a job etc and split domestic life more equally. One of you does drop offs, the other does pick ups, equal responsibility for cooking and cleaning and half each of all child appointments, sick days etc. Make him realise exactly how much work it is to keep the show on the road at home and stop insulating him from it. Then he'll have to stop hiding from his family and domestic responsibilities by voluntarily working long hours and thinking that he's done his bit by working, but not doing anything else. How would he cope if you had to go into hospital, or were too ill to do everything you normally do?

HighNetGirth · 24/04/2020 07:59

Why don’t you work, OP, if your youngest is 8?

Not really on point. And OP has said one child is chronically ill and she cares for that child.

Apple222 · 24/04/2020 08:03

I don’t know what it is about men demanding ‘downtime’ from their family. They want children (sometimes even more so than their partners) and then get all resentful when they have to meet their needs.

Sorry, I am being irrational but I am fed up of self-centred people and lockdown has brought out the worst in them. They were self-absorbed anyway but now it is really showing!

Treacletoots · 24/04/2020 08:05

I went back to work early from maternity leave because work was, and still is far easier than being a full time carer, and I have a fairly senior technical managerial role.

If he wont voluntarily accept that his work is NOT in any way close to being as hard work mentally, physically or emotionally as caring die your kids then you need to force him to. Take the day off. Go out. Leave him with no choice.

Drastic times call for..

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 24/04/2020 08:35

I guess a man this selfish is not beyond refusing to present for his kids while she is out - so that she has distress to cope with on her return and learns a lesson about not crossing him. Hmm

And if that's true, OP, you need to leave. Get your kids away from him, at least for most of the time (and maybe all of the time given he's unlikely to deal well with contact time!).

YappityYapYap · 24/04/2020 08:48

When you said about getting an hours peace and he said when does he get his, you could have suggested a time that he can get it. I wouldn't say working is peace but I do get what you mean. If he gets a lunch break at work, he sort of does get peace every day

opticaldelusion · 24/04/2020 08:51

I think the work thing is a smokescreen. Basically he's got a day off and doesn't want to spend it with his kids or helping out his knackered missus. Nice.

Gatehouse77 · 24/04/2020 08:56

I'd take the hour for myself, alone, and then take the kids out separately. It's perfectly reasonable to strike a balance of your own health and wellbeing with theirs.
And, I'd be likely to take my hour in the morning leaving him to deal with the kids when they are up and about - or even just before they're up so he's having to deal with them directly. But I can be a stubborn and defiant sod at times!

Kraejka · 24/04/2020 09:05

I've asked him before to take them swimming (well the younger two, the older had plans) so I could get jobs done and he wouldn’t.

So he was a lazy, selfish arse before Corona?
I think this is appalling.

What's his job? He'll still be getting his lunch break and time to himself on his commute as well as a couple of 15 minute coffee breaks during the day - all times when he has downtime for a short time without kids around.

He's such a knob. You'd think as a father he'd want to spend time with his kids when he's not working. He's absolutely pathetic if he can't entertain his own kids for an hour to give you a break.

I'd just breezily announce, "Right I'm off out for my daily exercise. You're on duty. See you later" and off you go. I know you said you want time in the house on your own but it sounds like he's not going to take the kids out anytime soon.

And then while you're out, ask yourself why you are with this manchild.

noavailablename · 24/04/2020 09:11

He is a selfish man. I agree with pp that the divorce lawyers will be very busy after all this.
However, going out to exercise is not limited to an hour. Is it at all possible to take the dc out for a long walk so they are worn out and would watch a movie later?
My neighbour goes out for a run for a couple of hours every morning. He barely sees a soul on his route.
It is allowed.

circusintown · 24/04/2020 09:25

"I can give him an hours break but if he’s taken the kids out for an hour then really we have to stay in the house and garden"

No you wouldn't. And he gets plenty of breaks.

Just tell the lazy selfish fucker that he's looking after his kids Monday afternoon. That you'll be home in time to eat whatever he's made for tea.

Or tell him to leave the house with the kids and walk. For at least 2 hours. Lock the door and relax

IntermittentParps · 24/04/2020 09:35

He can't be bothered to parent them.
This is exactly it.

Go out on Monday. Don't warn him or announce it ahead. Just grab your keys: 'I'm off. Back in about an hour. Cheery-bye!' and shut the door.

He's a selfish fucker.

Qgardens · 24/04/2020 09:45

He should be stepping up. Take it in turns to be the in charge parent on Monday and redirect enquiries to whoever's turn it is.

However saying that, they are old enough to be told that they leave you alone for an hour everyday, even when dad isn't there. Do your jobs and tell them you won't answer questions etc as you are busy. You'll deal with whatever, at such and such a time. Even set a timer. Hey you could even shut your bedroom door and refuse to interact with them so you can just chill. They aren't small children. They can be trained to give you a rest. If after a set time you play games and give them "special" time, they may really embrace it.

diddl · 24/04/2020 09:49

I'd go for a walk alone to get some peace.

The kids are also surely old enough to leave you alone for an hour whilst you get stuff done?

Or send them to their dad every time they bother you!

MitziK · 24/04/2020 09:57

My ex used to say 'You have a break for eighteen hours a day' as justification for doing nothing in the house all evening and weekends. I was working for nine of them and he seemed to think that I got to sleep for another nine each night.

YABU to use the fact he works/has a legal entitlement to stop for lunch as justification for him being 'lazy' when with the work hours you describe, he clearly isn't.

ZoeandChandon · 24/04/2020 09:58

Does he have any good points? Does he actually like any of his family?

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 24/04/2020 10:26

Can one of you take them out in the morning and the other takes them out in the evening? I think he’s being selfish- doesn’t he want to see/spend time with his children on his day off?

Mistymonday · 24/04/2020 10:59

It sounds like you are basically a single parent! Does he do anything at home for the kids, housework etc? Does he contribute financially?

HighNetGirth · 24/04/2020 13:10

Bottom line, you can’t ask for this, it won’t work. You have to just take it. And then shrug off the consequences (sulking DH).

TwistyHair · 24/04/2020 13:19

That’s bad that he won’t take the kids out on his own for an hour. And that he would actually say no to you having an hour to yourself. It’s really mean.

notangelinajolie · 24/04/2020 13:49

Go halves? Half an hour each?
Could you not just put on your walking/running shoes and just go out without making it a thing. Let him know you will be back in half an hour when you are half way out the door. Even if it's only 15 mins fresh air by yourself - it would recharge your batteries.