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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked for a break on Monday from the kids and basically told no.

115 replies

Needtobepositive · 23/04/2020 22:06

My husband has a day off on Monday (not a keyworker but able to go to work alone and do his usual job) and I’ve found the last couple of days really hard work with the kids. We aren’t getting a break from each other and the stresses of home learning are getting to us. One of them is also chronically ill and I do all the care for that. I asked if on Monday he could take the kids out for their hour exercise while I stay home and enjoy an hours peace. He asked when he got his hours peace and I told him he gets it at work all day as he works alone. He said he’s working so it’s not peace. I know he’s working but he’s not dealing with health issues he’s not dealing with home learning and arguing kids. He’s not nagging them to get on. His routine is as normal and ours is disrupted. AIBU?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 23/04/2020 23:21

He works 6 days a week until 8/9 pm? What is his job? Can you afford help?

PickAChew · 23/04/2020 23:22

If he's been working all day he should bloody well want some time with his own children.

coffeeforone · 23/04/2020 23:22

Why don't you each take the kids out separately on Monday for an hour exercise each? It's only one day. They get 2 hours exercise and you each get an hour peace at home?

pallisers · 23/04/2020 23:22

Tell him you are taking a day off on Monday - surprise! So he will be on for the day.

Trying to imagine wanting to have sex with a man who refuses to take his 8, 11 and 12 year olds out for a walk for an hour because it is his day off and he is entitled to all 24 hours of it to himself.

Basically he doesn't see why you should get one hour off in the day but he is entitled to 12 (probably 24 as I doubt he does anything much when he gets home from work).

How do these men manage to reproduce? There should surely be some darwinian force that sidelines their sperm.

PickAChew · 23/04/2020 23:23

@Josette77 no one is going to get paid for help while in lockdown.

cushioncovers · 23/04/2020 23:27

Work is not peace so yabu on that point, however sounds like you could both do with some time out. So have a discussion don't ask his permission with him about giving each other a bit of rest bite. Him over the weekend and you on Monday

Caterina99 · 23/04/2020 23:30

What is he doing the rest of his day off?

I get that working is not some lovely relaxing time compared to childcare and so don’t ask DH to take the kids (2 and 4. I’m sahm, he’s currently wfh) during his normal work day. But evenings and weekends we take turns so that we each get some downtime

I’d be fuming if he refused to take them for an hour (at least) on none work days at the moment. But I also wouldn’t expect him to have them for a 12 hour day. We’d take turns so that we each get some peace, some time to do jobs alone and some family time too

BumbleBeee69 · 23/04/2020 23:32

Don't ask permission every again.... get your jacket.. and WALK OUT Monday.. let the selfish PRICK can look after HIS kids for an hour FFS... Flowers

greenlynx · 23/04/2020 23:33

No way I would ask my DH on Thursday to take our DD for a walk on next Monday. It’s just a walk not a trip to mountains, going for an hour walk with your own DC doesn’t require special preparation. I would just assume that on the day off loving Dad would want to spend some time with his children.

Greenmarmalade · 23/04/2020 23:34

Furious for you. I’ve had this too- my DH takes on home projects at weekends so I’m stuck with drudgery and he gets the accomplishment tasks, completed in peace and in his own time, without having to stop to make lunch, put baby for nap, change nappies, help with homework etc.

He gets an hour every workday- you should get several hours on Monday! How to achieve this... I don’t know.

indemMUND · 23/04/2020 23:44

There should be some form of equality. He's the other parent and equally responsible. You both need time to yourselves and that has to be discussed and sorted out. It's tough all over but two parents need to divide the load whichever way you slice it. You've both got to stay sane for the kids sake at the very least.

GabsAlot · 23/04/2020 23:59

so he does hobbies when hes off works 6 days a week and doesnt take his kids out

sound like a right catch

Northernwarrior · 24/04/2020 01:06

Why don’t you work op? If your youngest is 8?

Breastfeedingworries · 24/04/2020 01:20

Simply ask what contact he wants if you divorce. 🙈 tell him he’s on thin ice and to do his share or prepare for the outcome of no free time, as that’s when he’ll have all of them all day.

These selfish pricks, they’re at easy ages too! Hardly toddlers

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 24/04/2020 01:34

I don’t understand- he asked you when he gets his time to himself? He has the whole day off and you only asked him to spend one hour with the children. So the answer to that question is pretty bloody obvious.

He’s a selfish lazy bad parent by the way. What do you see in him?

Ilady · 24/04/2020 02:13

You need to tell him that your not putting up with him being a selfish idiot and you need a break each day. On Monday I would go grocery shopping and leave him deal with the home schooling and fighting kid's.
I know a lady with primary school kids and a baby. At the moment she is minding the kids and home schooling. One of her kids needs extra help with school work. Her husband is off work now. He sees now just how much she does. He is also realising the extent of the problem's their child has with school. She has been telling him this for a while.
If you don't look after yourself and get a break away from the kids each day you could end up getting sick so your husband could end up minding you all.
Tell him that.

Shoxfordian · 24/04/2020 05:50

Is he always this selfish?

AvalancheKit · 24/04/2020 06:38

It sounds as if his job is not difficult and perhaps one that he enjoys immensely. For that reason there is an element of 'escapism' from life under family lockdown just by going to work. A point often overlooked when comparing what a working parent does to a SAHP.

What does he do please?

dontdisturbmenow · 24/04/2020 06:42

It's easy to assume that looking after kids is more demanding and pressure than working, but it might not be depending on the job.

I think your approach is clearly telling your oh that he's got it easy going to work which might be very unfair. Clearly he thinks so.

You should both have some breaks, so you need to agree a rota in the week so you can both have your me time.

mathanxiety · 24/04/2020 06:44

When he's home in the evening, walk out with a breezy, 'Taking my daily hour now, see ya'.

Slam the door. Return in an hour, take a note of the time, and ignore any petulance on his part. Repeat on Tuesday evening, Wednesday, Thursday, etc.

NEVER ASK PERMISSION. This only gives him the wrong impression that he is the boss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2020 07:00

Idk how long his commute is or which mode of transport he uses. Some find that to be wind down time if they enjoy driving. Having the luxury of a full hours lunch break is far less common these days. I think what math has suggested is an excellent idea. Does he come home when the children are in bed?

As for going out for a walk without your children, I get they’d rather be with you. However, you need to put yourself first some of the time. Think of it like putting your oxygen mask on first when you’re in a plane. If you’re not ok, you can’t look after anyone else. So go for the walk or drive around the corner and sit in the car. Whatever you would like to do. I get you’d rather have time to do stuff at home. However, you also need to learn to give yourself pure breathing space and true down time.

vanillandhoney · 24/04/2020 07:05

Can't the 12 and 11 year old entertain the eight year old for an hour while you have a break? They're more than old enough to be left alone in the garden or in front of a film surely?

That gives you your break each day - don't rely on your DH to give you that as he's clearly a bit of a dick.

cherrybunx0 · 24/04/2020 07:09

wtf why are you even asking permission or asking him to do anything with his kids, they're just as equally his as they are yours, does he ask you to look after them or feel grateful for doing so or just assumed? I bet I can guess

Verily1 · 24/04/2020 07:09

The ‘hour limit’ isn’t the law it’s just guidance, you need a longer break!

He’s a dick fir not parenting his own kids.

His work doesn’t come into it.

Kit19 · 24/04/2020 07:10

It seems he was not interested in parenting his children even before the virus. exactly did he have kids as it seems he can’t be bothered to spend anytime wut them?

He’s a selfish arse & agree with PP, take yourself out for an hour on Monday. I know you wanted him to take them out but he won’t and you need to make aboit a point how the children you conceived together are not just your responsibility