AIBU I’m saying you have to spell everything out for men

[sunnyblossom1]

I asked my husband to make a telephone appointment for my two sons. They both have had their eczema flare up during the lockdown. The doctor rings me now about one child and when I ask about the other he says they are not on his list. When I ask my husband he says I rang and said I wanted a telephone appointment for two children but she only took details for one and so I thought that would be ok. Why does everything have to be spelt out for some people. No one gives us a manual when we have babies we just use our common sense. Aaaaaaah just had to vent as I didn’t want to cause an argument in lockdown. Will call docs tomorrow and sort it out as it’s easily done but it’s just the frustration sometimes.

2 weeks paternity leave here (uk) starting day baby was born.

If you stay in hospital for a few days then really they just home arent they. By the time the actual hard part of the care kicks in and the novelty wears off they back at work.

It depends whether your husband is an adult or not.

I’ve tried to turn this around as much as possible when my DH plays a dummy.

“What’s for dinner?” = “I don’t know.”
“What time is DD’s swim class?” = “Look at the calendar.” (Every bloody week)
“Have you got X a birthday card/snack?” = “No, have you?”

It’s starting to work but I’m partly (not all) to blame for this behaviour in the first place and it needs to stop.

Part of being an adult is conforming to social norms though. There is a strong social norm in the UK that women do and should do most of this stuff (I'm sure there is in a lot of places but I haven't tried parenting anywhere else). There are men and women who go against social norms but it takes effort and they're not always (ever?) rewarded for it.

In my case from the outside it looks like we have a pretty equal relationship. DH does way way more than most dads I know. But he organises very little of it and backslides if I don't keep the pressure on. Not what I'd call true equality!

Don't get me started on the gender organising/supervising homework gap .

But he organises very little of it and backslides if I don't keep the pressure on. Not what I'd call true equality!

Typical half a job scenario thing then.

Swoop in like a vulture when all the hard work has been done and create the appearance of being hands on /involved.

But it would never happen if you hadnt done the groundwork first

It certainly true here. My husband is incredibly successful at work but once told me he wasn’t very good at washing up. Like it’s an innate skill to wash thing until they are actually clean

I have found in my 30 years of marriage, that what’s blindly obvious to me, is not to husband, he’s not stupid man, very good with money etc, but we have some very cross purpose talks where he has just not cottoned on to the salient point. Drives me mad, and its never him being daft, its turned into a womans “logic” problem

Actual conversation at my office:

"My wife is due in a few months and we have just moved into a new house"
"So, you have some busy times ahead of you"
"Yeah, that's why I want to be at work for the first two weeks after the kid is born and I'll take my parental leave after that."
"But doesn't a new born need a lot of care?"
"Yeah, but my mother in law and midwife will be there"

I don't even know what to say after that. And they wonder why I don't want to get married and have kids.

Sounds useless, would have annoyed me too. Make sure your children don't grow up the same.

YA def. NBU!

My dh is highly intelligent but sometimes I really do despair. Lately he’s very keen on doing the food shopping - in M&S where it’s fairly quiet.

I’ve mentioned to him more than once about checking use by dates - he never thinks to do it - but forgot to repeat it this morning just before he went off.

He came back with a joint of beef, far larger than we need for 2 of us - use by the 27th - and a joint of pork, use by the 30th. And what I’d asked him to get was a piece of gammon, not pork FFS!

‘I thought it was gammon,’ he said, sounding all injured.

FGS, can’t you read a label?? It says P - O - R - K!

(Where the fuck is the tearing-your-hair-out emoji?)

Just as well there’s room for one of them in our tiddly little freezer.

It's some people, not men.

This.

It's mostly men. Because women will get penalized for neglecting their house and children.

It's mostly men. Because women will get penalized for neglecting their house and children.

Sadly this is down to the perceived roles our society places on people (and most go along with. A man who doesn't work and relies on his partner's income is viewed as a cocklodger but not the reverse.

Will call docs tomorrow and sort it out as it’s easily done

And that's why your husband (I'm sure it's not all men) doesn't 'learn'. Because you swoop in and rescue him.

I don't really understand your post, OP.

Could you explain to me in small words what your husband did wrong and what he should have done?

Take it slow.

Because women will get penalized for neglecting their house and children.

🤣🤣🤣 only through self inflicted guilt

A woman would have instantly phoned back and tried to rectify her oversight. ''Dad'' just takes the eyeroll on the chin (you get inured to them after the first 100 or so) and then lets ''her'' sort it out (properly)

they wonder why I don't want to get married and have kids.

Well, if you had experienced childbirth and a newborn, then you’d know that having two people helping mum the first two weeks and then a DH helping the weeks after that is MUCH better than three people all tripping over each other for only two weeks.
It takes more than two weeks to recover. But you wouldn’t know that because you are not a mum. Yet you think you can judge.

“There is a strong social norm in the UK that women do and should do most of this stuff ”

I agree. When I lived in the UK it was shocking to me how many other parents didn’t really divide up child rearing and household duties or share authority over them. It seemed to me that the women had all the authority. The mum decided the school, clothes, meals, bedtime, screen time, the play dates/friends, discipline/punishment and also what household chores were to be done, when and specifically how and the father was expected to just defer to her authority. But the downside was that with the power came all the responsibility. So women were constantly (and it’s here on this thread!) groaning about how useless their partners were at doing things correctly (to their standard) or not knowing what the meal plan is, etc.

If you want men to share the responsibility, you have to relinquish the control over it all.

And even in the OPs case here, her DH didn’t make any mistakes. The doctors receptionist booked the appointment wrong. He told her he needed a double appointment for two children and the receptionist only booked a single appointment for one child. But the prejudice is so strong that the OP and most posters are assuming that it has to be the man’s fault.

If it had happened to the OP, can guarantee it would be a post about receptionists at GP surgeries getting appointments wrong.

I can judge men who knock up a woman and then flee the house when she is going through something difficult untill things get easier again.

They don't. My partner is capable of not more so than me... we do not have this dynamic of one of us being in charge of thinking of the family.

I think a lot of men over 30 do this on purpose so they don't have to care.

@curiosity eczema treatment generally needs a prescription

Not all men! My husband is the organised
One in our house, and generally carries the 'mental load' for our family.

@donquixotedelamatncha it’s not that difficult to understand. Maybe you should read it slow.

it’s not that difficult to understand. Maybe you should read it slow.

Oh I get now. Must be my testes making it hard to follow all the big words.

AIBU I’m saying you have to spell everything out for men

I dunno OP. I think sometimes women need stuff spelling out too.