AIBU I’m saying you have to spell everything out for men

[sunnyblossom1]

I asked my husband to make a telephone appointment for my two sons. They both have had their eczema flare up during the lockdown. The doctor rings me now about one child and when I ask about the other he says they are not on his list. When I ask my husband he says I rang and said I wanted a telephone appointment for two children but she only took details for one and so I thought that would be ok. Why does everything have to be spelt out for some people. No one gives us a manual when we have babies we just use our common sense. Aaaaaaah just had to vent as I didn’t want to cause an argument in lockdown. Will call docs tomorrow and sort it out as it’s easily done but it’s just the frustration sometimes.

Maybe I should have said for my man rather than men. My bad. It is just very frustrating sometimes having to spell out certain things and then other times everything is done brilliantly. I was just venting and so annoyed. Should have calmed down and then posted. Thanks for the comments all and sorry if I have offended people. Not my intention

Make him make the call and take over responsibility for your DCs excema

What "other things" are done brilliantly sunny

Can you list examples if what has to he spelt out and what you dont

For those blaming the receptionist, if that was me in the call, and presumably the op, we would have said 'don't you need dc2s details', not just assumed it was fine. My ex was and is like this and it drives me bloody bonkers. Kids come back regularly with items broken, lost, forgotten. Normal parenting stuff that I once in a blue moon ask him to do on his eow contact (I do everything else 26/30 days) gets forgotten, done badly or some bullshit excuse made. When we were together I lost count of the number of domestic appliances, pushchairs, travel cots etc he broke because he couldn't be bothered to work out the mechanisms properly.
OP, you've been jumped for the cardinal mn sin of saying 'men' instead of some men, but the point you're making stands.

That doesn’t really account for the usuals obtuseness in reading and inability to see nuance but hey, crusade away!

There is no nuance. So no, I’m not going to just lie down and accept sexism when I see it.

AIBU is saying that women make lazy, sexist, sweeping statements?

*in saying

I hear you. If I hear the 'So... what's for dinner??'
question again I'll lose the plot! YOU decide!

I hear you. If I hear the 'So... what's for dinner??'
question again I'll lose the plot! YOU decide!

Does his penis get in the way of the fridge or his balls stop him closing the oven door?
Being male has nothing to do with it. You being the default cook in your house is the problem.

A lot of “lazy, incompetent” men I know are a thallus more than capable but are married to controlling women who don’t let them do anything and enjoy the martyrdom of being the only one able to cook, clean and child tear to a certain standard.

OP, it sounds as though you don't expect your husband to be able to do things so you ask him to do things expecting him to fail and then get annoyed when he inevitably proves you right.

Why didn't you either call and make a telephone appointment for the doctor to call you, or ask your husband to call and make a telephone appointment for the doctor to call him and have him sort the whole eczema thing out?

Asking your husband to call and make an appointment on your behalf is only going to save you a couple of minutes even if he does the job perfectly, because you still have to ask him to do it, and then the doctor is still going to call you and speak to you about the eczema problem, and then doubtless you are the one who is going to be following up on the doctor's advice.

If you ask your husband to do 10% of the job and leave you to do the other 90%, then if he fucks up that 10% the whole thing is going to take you longer to sort out than if you'd just done everything yourself.

If you asked your husband to sort out the eczema problem, then he would have had to call and book the appointment, and then the doctor would have called him back to discuss it, and it would have been his problem if he hadn't checked that they'd got both children's details and the doctor was only willing to discuss one child, and his job to book a second appointment to discuss the second child, and then follow through on the doctor's advice.

At some point you're going to have to decide whether you prefer to do everything yourself to ensure it's done properly, or let go a little bit and let your husband do his fair share. And I mean actually do his fair share, not just do little things that you delegate to him occasionally.

Because the way you're asking him to do things like this, it sounds like you're making a cake and asking your child to come and put the raisins in. You're not asking him to do something to actually take the burden off you, but to give him a job to do. And that's pretty pointless unless you're willing to give him a whole job to do and let him deal with the consequences if he doesn't get it right.

Aaah rule number 1- women are responsible for everything men do.

Are these women really controlling or have they had to take over this stuff because after trying to share the load if they wanted the kids to be fed before 9 o clock at night or for things not to be done "in a minutewhen this program has finished and I've showered and changed even though someone will have to stay up half the night to turn the dryer on so their school clothes will he ready " ?

The amount of threads we have had on MN where husbands/partners view any expectation of getting stuff done by a certain time or knowing what the kids will or wont eat as being controlling is shocking really.

No those women I know are genuinely controlling. They LOVE telling anyone who will listen how useless their husbands are because they enjoy the smug feeling they get from everyone agreeing with them. It’s gross. My gran is the worst for it. And it does creep in. I remember just assuming that my husband wouldn’t have a clue how to look after a baby just because he’s a man but actually he was a better parent than me.

Some men do "learned helplessness" because they want to get out of doing things because they have been socialised to believe they are more important than anyone else.

And many women do this too. Play up their helplessness when presented with practical, everyday problems when there is a man around who will be assumed to instinctively 'know' how to do plumbing or fix things under the bonnet of a car.

It's just as bullshit as the apparent male inability to read washing instruction labels.

@Chiyo666

A lot of “lazy, incompetent” men I know are a thallus more than capable but are married to controlling women who don’t let them do anything and enjoy the martyrdom of being the only one able to cook, clean and child tear to a certain standard.

And a good number of the men I know indulge in strategic incompetence. They can do stuff related to the house and children but simply don't want to (my ex included).

DP just asked how long the chicken in the fridge would take to cook.....It is double bagged....

I will agree that is disgusting behaviour.

Certainly not something I've seen from the people around me/friends/family thankfully.

I have seen alot of the behaviour though where normal every day things most people do just because they need doing are deliberately used to make a point. Doing badly so they dont have to do it again. Making out it's a huge favour "oh I did some washing for you" erm you where the clothes too mate.

Or doing half a job. I went away for a couple if days before lock down. Dp had done some washing but I had 2 baskets to put away and the stuff In the machine hadnt been put in the dryer but you supposed to be grateful anything got done at all..

I used to work in a pub and dont even get he started on the amount of men who would "stop off for one " on the way home and he there hours later and calling the wife a controlling bitch cos she dared call to find out where he was. I'm sure many are fab parents but there are plenty who also see parenting as something they can opt in or out of as they see fit, their lives haven't seen to have changed at all.

Plenty of threads on MN about men who went on all night benders knowing full well their wives had to work all day and they were supposed to be with the kids. One just a couple of days ago where the woman was trying to work from home and he interrupted private calls to tell her he was going out on the bike and oh he hadnt fed the kids. Even when both parents work full time the woman is still expected to pick up the slack with the home life too

As i said I've been asked countless times if my partner is baby sitting the kids. Customers surprised when I say he had to cook dinner tonight etc

There are extremely low societal expectations of husbands and fathers. Their existence in the house is enough. Whereas women are seen as failures of they haven't somehow managed to achieve everything. It stands to reason that in many many cases that socialisation will have had effects like this.

So why do women marry and have children with men like this?

Genuine question.

Most if the time its the birth of the children that seems to be the turning point.

When you are both working full time and doing out together things seem pretty normal.

When you are on maternity leave suddenly things change or you start to notice things. Like the assumption that you sit on your arse all day doing nothing so it doesnt matter if they do to the pub after work after all you can wait for a hot meal and a shower not like you are going anywhere is it...

And if you are lucky enough to have a baby that allows you to get stuff done well somehow even when you do back to work it's such am ingrained habit they never switch back to helping out.
They assume if you are breastfeeding they cant do anything so they aren't needed etc

Lots of reasons really

@peperethecat I would say mainly the men's incompetence doesn't show till DC arrive, the long maternity leaves encourage specialisation and (most importantly), male incompetence is normalised and even rewarded all around. Blokes really have to be determined to be different to the norm.

Besides, who wants children to have bad eczema or whatever just to prove a point?

The men around me don't seem to be quite so useless. I wonder whether it's linked to the fact that most women go back to work when their babies are three months old here.

OP, see if your GP does e-consulting - saves a lot of hassle (get DH to find out maybe!). We have to fill in a detailed form first so that would avoid missing details.

It might be. 12 month mat leaves are unhelpful in this regard.

UK society is very sexist though.

In fact, thinking about my friends in the UK whose husbands seem to be really competent, hands-on dads, they went back to work after 6 months and their husbands took three months' parental leave.

Yes. If you have had a relatively trouble free recovery and a baby who has adapted very quickly to a routine then maternity leave is an incredibly lonely and boring time. Stands to reason if your baby is easy then scrubbing cupboards and cooking and shopping etc is amongst the things done to pass the time given friends and family are all at work etc

By the time you gp back to work (6m with dd1 and after the 9m with dd2) you are well out the loop and its difficult to settle back in.

I dunno maybe they think if work coped without you for up to 12 months than you cant be that important and that plays a part in how much respect your partner has for you...