Massive disagreement over the way of food shopping (DH and I)

[igotvegandbreadforyou]

NC for this topic as I'm going to discuss an argument/disagreement between DH and me had last night and he would hate to be identified in RL.

We have been strictly sticking to the lockdown rules and I've stepped out of our home only three times so far, all for food shopping. DH has been out almost everyday but for his once a day exercise or/and visiting his very isolated allotment. He goes out only early morning, usually comes back home at around 7 am. He says no one is around as it's so early.

My first trip to our local Tesco Express was with DH - he drove and waited in a car and I went grab stuff. It was at the opening time so very quiet.

The second trip was to our local corner shop and I went alone on foot (3 mins) in an evening. My friend told me the shop was usually very quiet in the evenings (7-8 pm) and I needed milk and bread for DH (I don't need them). DH didn't like it as he believed early morning was the best time to go but it was quiet as my friend said and I got what he needed - he needs lots of milk for his cereal and snacks on toasts daytime. So this didn't develop into an argument.

The third trip was to our local Tesco Express by car - this was last night and I went alone. Earlier the day, DH said we were running out a few essentials such as vegs and bread so we would need to go shopping again soon. I heard our local Tesco was fairly quiet in the evenings so decided to go. I am the cook in our household so I really wanted to fill our fridge to feed my family the next day.

When I got back home with three huge shopping bags, I started sterilizing them as I always do then had a shower as I always do. I got a lot of yummy stuff which would make DH super happy the next day. But he wasn't happy and he got very very angry that I went shopping...

His point was that I was risking my family by going out for shopping. Apparently I was being selfish and irresponsible. He thinks we should only go out once two weeks and only very early morning.

I can see what he means but as the one who plans meals, once two weeks is a bit too ambitious. I would like to go at least once a week. Some of my friends go twice a week! We have a teen boy who eats like a horse too. Also, I think it doesn't matter if I go in the evening or morning as long as the shop is quiet. I can see early morning may be 'cleaner' as fewer people have entered the shop on the day but evenings work better for my schedule.

I argued back to him that if I was selfish because I went shopping for family (and it happened only three times so far) he would also be selfish that he would go out for his exercise every single day. I had asked him to buy milk and bread on way home sometimes (then I don't need to go shopping so often) but so far he hasn't done this and always comes back home empty-handed. I think he thinks going to shop is high risk in general, but it's very early morning which is the time he thinks the safest to shop.... I have no intention to push anyone to do something they feel unsafe or uncomfortable so I had never ever complained about it. But last night I pointed this out too. At this point he wasn't listening to me so I am not sure how much he heard what I said.

This morning, I said 'good morning' to him but he ignored. Clearly he is still very angry. But I know he would happily eat whatever I prepare using the stuff I bought yesterday.

I understand he is only trying to protect us so his anger is coming from good intention but I feel he is forcing me what he believes best and zero understanding nor flexibility to try to see what I think fine to do. I wear a mask and gloves, clean all the items I bring into our family home, have a shower straight and wash all the clothes I wore outside. I think I am doing all I can to be responsible and at very least I go out to get what my family need not just for exercise to fulfil my need.

Am I missing anything here? How could I make him see my point? Or phahaps I need to understand his views more? Please tell me your thoughts! I may show DH this thread if needed...

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal
Wow, thanks. I have an overly anxious DH and he got angry because I was being 'irresponsible', I thought I would check what others would think of it. Hardly any news of a day.

@igotvegandbreadforyou You briefly mentioned that you have a history of lung and bronchial health issues… perhaps he is right and it is wise for you to not go to the shops? Could you give him the shopping list and he go instead?

To summarize:
You are not being irresponsible
He has lost all sense of perspective and become irrational
This is relatively common (just read a thread about how best to wash soft fruits ffs) in the current situation esp given media angles etc, it's forgiveable to lose perspective a bit
What's not ok is him stropping and sulking like an 8 year old. He needs to reflect on his behaviour.

I've got a husband exactly like this OP. One thing I can say (and I know you've already realised this) is that showing him this thread would not change his mind one iota, it would just annoy him more. His mind's made up.

He'll get over it though, as you say. Glad you stuck to your guns: you're right, he's not.

We have similar issues OP! I do all the cooking and shopping but DH gets annoyed at me for going to the shop more often than he thinks I should. How would he know, he hasn’t been to a shop in 6 weeks! Most things don’t last that long and our fridge isn’t big enough for 2 weeks’ worth. I just go when I want now and don’t say anything. He soon starts moaning if his snacks run out!

So he can be a nasty twat but he still gets his meals literally handed to him on a plate??

Also, what was the point of him driving you to the shop when he could just have driven himself & shopped?

So that was OK, but you driving yourself there isn't?

So these husbands that know better-why are they being told to crack on then with planning meals or shopping or stfu?

I don't think he's a knob at all! I think he loves you and doesn't want to lose you and what is fuelling his behaviour is fear of you getting Covid-19! Is he a bit OCD perhaps? germ phobic? Regardless, if he is a good OH otherwise, maybe cut him some slack. If it were me I would respect the fact that, for whatever reason, this is distressing to him. I'd go early in the morning once every two weeks and buy a ton of food. As menchen said, milk and bread both freeze really well so when you go out, so get lots.

ConkerGame
Yes that's my plan. I have to go when I have to go to keep the kitchen running.

When I said I would need to get lots things, he said all we need would be milk and porridge. He clearly couldn't remember he happily ate chicken last night! When I said I would need some non-food essentials, he said all we need would be food. He clearly doesn't need washing-up liquid, toilet rolls, toothpaste...

Yes he is a bit OCD. He definitely isn't a laid-back kind. I did my part to try to understand him, to listen to him, but I was very upset when he got so angry with me last night. He is a good husband and also a good dad though. I'm trying to keep positive but he is adding me extra stress by restricting my movement like this.

When I said I would need to get lots things, he said all we need would be milk and porridge. He clearly couldn't remember he happily ate chicken last night! When I said I would need some non-food essentials, he said all we need would be food. He clearly doesn't need washing-up liquid, toilet rolls, toothpaste...

Is it possible he is worried about money?

Can you let him run the kitchen for a week? Start with empty cupboards, take to your bed for a week

You won’t

But that also means he’ll never learn and he'll never appreciate what you do

Is it possible he is worried about money?
Definitely no. Money is the last thing to worry, luckily.

I didn't tell him I would go. I told DC and popped out. I can see why he was upset.

Why? Do you normally have to make a big announcement about going shopping? He was only upset because he would have wanted to stop you, so you'd be in the same position, unless you gave in to his ridiculousness.

You need to point out to him that you know a hell of a lot better than him what is the best time to go to the shops, that his perception that early in the morning is best is incorrect, and that it was all as safe as anything can possibly be currently with full social distancing in place. Also that you are an adult who can make your own judgments and he shouldn't be second-guessing you.

It sounds as if your DH is becoming quite anxious and stressed. I am guessing he thrives on routine and order, but the "rule book" has been tossed away.

Have you tried to get an online order or are their local delis/grocers that would do a delivery? Try looking online at your local council's website - they probably have a Corvid-19 list.

Alternatively, could your teen do the shopping?

Your going to have to do more sizeable shop at some point.

He doesn't mind he would go actually but then he forgets to buy many things even if I gave him a list He doesn't 'forget', he just doesn't want to do what you tell him (and/or hates being given 'menial work' to do, by a subordinate). Standard 'can't see dirt' (because he knows someone else will sort it out if he waits long enough) baloney.

Any person as finickity as he is being, is also the type to be able to follow a list to the letter, if he wants to.

It's very clear that, in his head anyway, he's in charge, you're staff and you'll do as you're told or be punished for your disobedience.

Please don't forget to remind him that tonight's dinner is also made with contraband.

Once he's got over that, perhaps he'd like to lay out a rational argument for the benefits of morning over evening shopping, for your critical assessment?

Wow just wow. What was he like before all this covid 19 and lockdown?

Do you normally have to make a big announcement about going shopping?
Not a big announcement but we usually tell each other when one of us go out, shopping or not. But I deliberately didn't last night. PP pointed this out saying I should have told him before going so I was replying to her that I would agree with her. You don't tell when you go out? That's strange to me. But every household is different.

He tends to have a fixed idea and it takes a long time to break that. So yes, he can be controlling, and he gets grumpy when things didn't go in his way. But don't worry I am not obeying him unnecessarily. I do let him get away with his way for things that aren't important to me though. Because I don't see the point of fighting over something I'm not so bothered.

When he went shopping with my list, he did his best, but he said he didn't look at the list once he was in the shop. I imagine he was a bit panicked and he tried to grab whatever he could remember he was supposed to get and get out of the shop asap. I don't think there was a power control issue on the shopping trip.

He suffers from anxiety. And, when he is overtaken by his anxiety he can't listen to what I am saying. So by starting this thread, I could get the reality check that I wasn't wrong and I thought I may let him read some comments for his own reality check too - but I decided not to show him this thread any more.

Are you both under 70? Are either of you in the vulnerable category?
If not then I think you have become completely hysterical and need to remind yourselves of the actual purpose of lockdown.

We were both under medical examination for a few months prior to the lockdown. We are not really vulnerable on paper but things were left unsolved for now. DH is an anxious person but this uncertainty makes him ultra anxious right now.

What a waste of energy argument! Op if shopping is your domain then your dh needs to let you get on with it. If he wants you can hand the reins over to him and then just get out for a walk each evening. Give yourself a mental break from whether or not going to the corner shop/Tesco is OK?
Make a statement and move on from it
"dh would you like to be in charge of stocking the kitchen if not I'm going to continue on doing what I'm doing ie keeping us all fed"

You can't live by his anxiety. When we come out of lock down the virus is still going to be there. A vaccine may not be found.

Behind is anxiety is extreme selfishness. You need food, he doesn't get to pick the time that you should go.

I'm in the shielding group, but i have to go shopping. I go to one supermarket during the special early hour, but for lidl etc i go around 40 minutes before closing.

I had surgery a couple of years ago and considered myself vulnerable. I had a chat with the anesthetist, who reassured me that i was nowhere near what is considered vulnerable. Unless you were being investigated for serious health issues, you are worrying unnecessary, but GPs are happy to speak to people, for the sake of their mental health. I had a chat with my specialist nurse because she was posting out my meds from the hospital and she said that although I've had a shielding letter, she wouldn't consider me anymore vulnerable that herself. For many people, they were precautionary, so they would take extra care.

I'm not washing my shopping. I travel on public transport. If anything we all need to get infected with a low viral dose. Don't pander to his anxiety and protect your teen from it.

Nothing wrong with being cautious. I really don't get why people care what others are doing. You do what works for you OP (obvs need to sort your husband out tho ;-)) but don't listen to those who think they know best about what you should and shouldn't be doing with your shopping.

Behind is anxiety is extreme selfishness.

Hmm I am going to disagree with that!!

I do agree however, that its impossible to live your life according the impossible to meet standards of someone who is very anxious.
I havent found another way than letting them experience how impossible these standards are to realise they are over the top.
If not because the anxiety is strong they cant face the shopping etc...., and they got into full on panic mode, then I would strongly suggest a call to the GP and ADs. Of course, this means they need to accept their reactions are over the top...

Gosh, don't show him the thread, that would just wind him up to no benefit.

Anxiety while shopping won't be easy - but if he's incapable of the task (as not even looking at the list demonstrates), he has to leave it to you to manage and execute, which includes decision-making.

If he thinks you should all be living on porridge, surely he can lead by example? See how he feels about it after a week, perhaps? 'Do as I say, not as I do' is just sooo much easier than 'watch what I do, follow if you feel moved to do so', isn't it?

Can you call your GP or specialists about your medical issues? They might be able to reassure you about likelihood and risk of any possible diagnoses. It is very easy to focus on worst case possibilities, which are actually extremely unlikley, or on the wrong track entirely.