Massive disagreement over the way of food shopping (DH and I)

[igotvegandbreadforyou]

NC for this topic as I'm going to discuss an argument/disagreement between DH and me had last night and he would hate to be identified in RL.

We have been strictly sticking to the lockdown rules and I've stepped out of our home only three times so far, all for food shopping. DH has been out almost everyday but for his once a day exercise or/and visiting his very isolated allotment. He goes out only early morning, usually comes back home at around 7 am. He says no one is around as it's so early.

My first trip to our local Tesco Express was with DH - he drove and waited in a car and I went grab stuff. It was at the opening time so very quiet.

The second trip was to our local corner shop and I went alone on foot (3 mins) in an evening. My friend told me the shop was usually very quiet in the evenings (7-8 pm) and I needed milk and bread for DH (I don't need them). DH didn't like it as he believed early morning was the best time to go but it was quiet as my friend said and I got what he needed - he needs lots of milk for his cereal and snacks on toasts daytime. So this didn't develop into an argument.

The third trip was to our local Tesco Express by car - this was last night and I went alone. Earlier the day, DH said we were running out a few essentials such as vegs and bread so we would need to go shopping again soon. I heard our local Tesco was fairly quiet in the evenings so decided to go. I am the cook in our household so I really wanted to fill our fridge to feed my family the next day.

When I got back home with three huge shopping bags, I started sterilizing them as I always do then had a shower as I always do. I got a lot of yummy stuff which would make DH super happy the next day. But he wasn't happy and he got very very angry that I went shopping...

His point was that I was risking my family by going out for shopping. Apparently I was being selfish and irresponsible. He thinks we should only go out once two weeks and only very early morning.

I can see what he means but as the one who plans meals, once two weeks is a bit too ambitious. I would like to go at least once a week. Some of my friends go twice a week! We have a teen boy who eats like a horse too. Also, I think it doesn't matter if I go in the evening or morning as long as the shop is quiet. I can see early morning may be 'cleaner' as fewer people have entered the shop on the day but evenings work better for my schedule.

I argued back to him that if I was selfish because I went shopping for family (and it happened only three times so far) he would also be selfish that he would go out for his exercise every single day. I had asked him to buy milk and bread on way home sometimes (then I don't need to go shopping so often) but so far he hasn't done this and always comes back home empty-handed. I think he thinks going to shop is high risk in general, but it's very early morning which is the time he thinks the safest to shop.... I have no intention to push anyone to do something they feel unsafe or uncomfortable so I had never ever complained about it. But last night I pointed this out too. At this point he wasn't listening to me so I am not sure how much he heard what I said.

This morning, I said 'good morning' to him but he ignored. Clearly he is still very angry. But I know he would happily eat whatever I prepare using the stuff I bought yesterday.

I understand he is only trying to protect us so his anger is coming from good intention but I feel he is forcing me what he believes best and zero understanding nor flexibility to try to see what I think fine to do. I wear a mask and gloves, clean all the items I bring into our family home, have a shower straight and wash all the clothes I wore outside. I think I am doing all I can to be responsible and at very least I go out to get what my family need not just for exercise to fulfil my need.

Am I missing anything here? How could I make him see my point? Or phahaps I need to understand his views more? Please tell me your thoughts! I may show DH this thread if needed...

I think you're both a bit nuts tbh. Him for getting angry and you for disinfecting and showering after shopping.

Ceebs85
But you read it and bothered enough to comment.

I'd tell him he can't eat anything you've purchased for yourself or the family from any shop if he complains about it. that's not reasonable behaviour on his part.

I think you should run out of bread and milk and feed the family for a few days on one of his prepped boxes. If he isn’t cool with sharing it ask why he thinks you will adjust all these habits because he wants to and he doesn’t have to contribute? Point out you have tried hard to work with how he feels and it became clear he doesn’t care about working with you on how you feel.

Oh and go for a walk. At least every second day. Please.

OP I too have only been out 3 times in 6 weeks here, once to boots anf twice to Tesco. I am not in the shielded group. I am working full time from home, live rurally and have a large garden. I can't walk long distances due to a hip problem but I do garden a lot and spend a lot of time outside in it. I do not feel cooped up in the slightest and am coping fine with lockdown.

We have a system of washing / wiping the shopping and have done from the very start of this. I do not consider us crazy or paranoid. We're not in the UK and I think people in the UK have very strange attitudes to this virus, I think significant damage was done by the govenment downplaying it in the early stages and messing up on the timing of lockdown etc.

With regard to your shopping dilemma, sounds like your husband has a lot of anxiety around getting the shopping and getting ill. But I think you need to keep doing it the way that works best for you, and keep speaking to him about it.

We shop every 7-10 days. Yesterday it was 7 days since the last big shop and we were out of milk so dh went to the nearest garage and got milk. we have enough other food to last until Sunday / Monday so that would make it 11 or 12 days since we last went to the supermarket

I meal plan and buy a LOT of stuff in one go

" I started sterelising them as I always do"

What on earth for, un wrap un pack and wash your hands is all that is necessary.
There are precautions and there is crazy. He is even worse

Still no explanation of by far the weirdest thing you've posted: I need to feed our teen so I still have to go even if DH starts shopping them by himself. DH has two boxes full of emergency foods so he can survive without shopping for many days I guess.

Why would the teen's father take neither responsibility for feeding said child, nor care if they've eaten? To the point of hoarding food for himself alone, not sharing with his child, then berating you for shopping to keep the child alive? That's well weird and fucked up.

And, why does your DH alone, get to eat his emergency stash? (How bloody selfish is that??!!)

YABU in shopping so often when we have been asked to go to supermarkets only every two or three weeks. Each unnecessary journey increases the risks, if not for you for others. You have a car and presumably a fridge, so you do not need to shop every few days and neither does your friend who goes twice a week.

Agree that is proper strange!

I have a stash of biscuits that are hidden FROM the teen... or else they’d be gone so fast I’d even doubt having bought them in the first place

Some foods are for OH only (but that too is because of aforementioned teen)

But my oh buys for us all, and teen isn’t even his.

Op, something isn’t good here and you’re aware of it. I don’t like the idea of this anger, or the belittling of you, and worse the silent treatment.

I just think tensions are running high as you're both on lockdown. Yes shops are the worst place to pick up stuff and you shouldn't be nipping out for bread you should probably plan to shop max once a week. So you're probably both being unreasonable

In this house we have one vulnerable (not shielded) person. He goes for a walk with the dog every day - late morning. I walk the dog in the evening. I shop once a week alone. We don’t wash the shopping, I don’t shower on my return, we wash our hands frequently and we’re right as ninepence. The OCD behaviour I see here appals me.

YABU in shopping so often when we have been asked to go to supermarkets only every two or three weeks

Nobody anywhere has ever said this. Where are you getting this bollocks from??

No drama surrounding the boxes of food... I thought men being unpractical wasn't unusual but here on MN seems to be a rare species. I'm afraid my DH is one of them. So without going into the details, I would just say he collected all the wrong foods no one other than him would eat so he ended up owing two boxes of food sitting in the living room.

I don't get that.
He has 2 boxes of food FOR HIMSELF?? Food isnt shared in your house as the cooking is maybe?

I have to say my mind is boggling at the idea that somehow he has enough food for two weeks but you + teen don't.
But that it is somehow ok to berate you for doing some food shoppig you need even though YOU are the one in the at risk category. And even though you are doing all you can to protect yourself and the whole of the family (se the cleaning of the food etc...) but he is doing NOTHING.

The only instance where I could imagine such a scenario is if you had been flatmates and he was in the high risk categpry when you are not (and taking no precautions at all).
He needs to be back in the family and start acting as one member of it rather than as the 'dictator' who just imposes his pov and expects others to do it all.

" he collected all the wrong foods no one other than him would eat"

So he's either selfish & just bought what he wanted for himself, or has no idea what anyone else eats (how can that be possible) & cba to make a phone call from the shop to find out.

I'm afraid my DH is one of them. So without going into the details, I would just say he collected all the wrong foods no one other than him would eat so he ended up owing two boxes of food sitting in the living room.

How convenient for him

Sounds like he’s scared to me - a lot of people are - I have a few perfectly nice friends being a bit irrational at the moment about things not related to covid ... they seen to have lost their filter ... perhaps he’s kind of the same

caperplips
I'm not from this country originally so read and watch my country's news and yes I agree with some points you made about the damage done by the government.

HyacynthBucket
All I'm saying is I would like to go shopping once a week and I like to choose when I go. I am busy in the morning so evening works better for me.

I go outside every day but in the garden. I have a gym space too. I rather like to go shopping than running if I step out of home right now.

I thought men being unpractical wasn't unusual but here on MN seems to be a rare species. I'm afraid my DH is one of them.

It's not about being a rare specie. I know that my DH would have been one of those 'impractica; men' if I had let him be so. Lacking practicalside when it comes to shopig or cooking or claning means no one ever ask them anything. However, when they are faced with being forced to do things and do them well, all those men can actually step up.
Granted it can take time (Ive just spent about 2 years reminding DH that I can eat gluten or dairy and no a cheese sandwisch is not a good idea for lunch) but I'll be dammed if I step down and do everything on my own.

It was a choice to refuse to take the 'easy' route of not challenging him on that. I am sure your DH can be practical if he wants to. I mean I am sure he can be practical at work. he look after himself, shop, cook, clean. So would be be incapable of doing so for his family? I would be deeply offended at his place if my artner thought I was that incapable tbh. (And yes Ive said that to DH too)

I wear a mask and gloves, clean all the items I bring into our family home, have a shower straight and wash all the clothes I wore outside.

For someone who isn't vulnerable, this is way OTT. No wonder you're getting stressed out and snippy with DH (and he with you) if you're trying to live under this self-imposed regime.

Sounds like he’s scared to me
He is, very much. I've been trying to help him feel at ease but there are things I can't let him do in his way. I don't want to get told off every time I go shopping to serve a meal for my family.

Tell the wanker to self isolate in his allotment shed.

Well that's fine for him to be scred. But he also has to deal with the consequences of him being more scared than you.
You are already going way over the top with precautions. If he wants more and isnt happy to deal with it the way you do it, then he HAS TO do it himslef, his way, a way that will help deal with his anxiety.

Basically he cannot use his anxiety as an excuse to impose his ways to you and teen, use you as an emotional punching ball to release his anxiety and generally to become vey totalitarian in his approach.

He's so scared he has to stockpile food, but he's happy to go out to the allotment everyday?