Massive disagreement over the way of food shopping (DH and I)

[igotvegandbreadforyou]

NC for this topic as I'm going to discuss an argument/disagreement between DH and me had last night and he would hate to be identified in RL.

We have been strictly sticking to the lockdown rules and I've stepped out of our home only three times so far, all for food shopping. DH has been out almost everyday but for his once a day exercise or/and visiting his very isolated allotment. He goes out only early morning, usually comes back home at around 7 am. He says no one is around as it's so early.

My first trip to our local Tesco Express was with DH - he drove and waited in a car and I went grab stuff. It was at the opening time so very quiet.

The second trip was to our local corner shop and I went alone on foot (3 mins) in an evening. My friend told me the shop was usually very quiet in the evenings (7-8 pm) and I needed milk and bread for DH (I don't need them). DH didn't like it as he believed early morning was the best time to go but it was quiet as my friend said and I got what he needed - he needs lots of milk for his cereal and snacks on toasts daytime. So this didn't develop into an argument.

The third trip was to our local Tesco Express by car - this was last night and I went alone. Earlier the day, DH said we were running out a few essentials such as vegs and bread so we would need to go shopping again soon. I heard our local Tesco was fairly quiet in the evenings so decided to go. I am the cook in our household so I really wanted to fill our fridge to feed my family the next day.

When I got back home with three huge shopping bags, I started sterilizing them as I always do then had a shower as I always do. I got a lot of yummy stuff which would make DH super happy the next day. But he wasn't happy and he got very very angry that I went shopping...

His point was that I was risking my family by going out for shopping. Apparently I was being selfish and irresponsible. He thinks we should only go out once two weeks and only very early morning.

I can see what he means but as the one who plans meals, once two weeks is a bit too ambitious. I would like to go at least once a week. Some of my friends go twice a week! We have a teen boy who eats like a horse too. Also, I think it doesn't matter if I go in the evening or morning as long as the shop is quiet. I can see early morning may be 'cleaner' as fewer people have entered the shop on the day but evenings work better for my schedule.

I argued back to him that if I was selfish because I went shopping for family (and it happened only three times so far) he would also be selfish that he would go out for his exercise every single day. I had asked him to buy milk and bread on way home sometimes (then I don't need to go shopping so often) but so far he hasn't done this and always comes back home empty-handed. I think he thinks going to shop is high risk in general, but it's very early morning which is the time he thinks the safest to shop.... I have no intention to push anyone to do something they feel unsafe or uncomfortable so I had never ever complained about it. But last night I pointed this out too. At this point he wasn't listening to me so I am not sure how much he heard what I said.

This morning, I said 'good morning' to him but he ignored. Clearly he is still very angry. But I know he would happily eat whatever I prepare using the stuff I bought yesterday.

I understand he is only trying to protect us so his anger is coming from good intention but I feel he is forcing me what he believes best and zero understanding nor flexibility to try to see what I think fine to do. I wear a mask and gloves, clean all the items I bring into our family home, have a shower straight and wash all the clothes I wore outside. I think I am doing all I can to be responsible and at very least I go out to get what my family need not just for exercise to fulfil my need.

Am I missing anything here? How could I make him see my point? Or phahaps I need to understand his views more? Please tell me your thoughts! I may show DH this thread if needed...

I suspect his argument for the superiority of morning shopping (other than it being his preference and his inherent superiority) is that shops have just been cleaned, whereas by the evening, lots of people have traipsed through and touched things. Has he considered though, that most shelf-stacking happens at night?

You don't need to sterilise all the shopping. You can simply wait three days before unpacking the stuff that you don't need immediately or that has to go in the fridge.

Or you can “simply” unpack your shopping and put it away/use it as normal. People have gone batshit crazy.

Why is your teen not doing any shopping?

He sounds like a massive control freak. Lockdown is bringing out the worst in people.

You must literally live in the middle of nowhere? Yet have a corner shop?
No, I live in London, zone 2. Where did you get the information that I live in the middle of nowhere?

I don't wash all the shopping actually, sorry it wasn't true if I said so. I wipe the items that have to go in the fridge then leave the rest of everything at the entrance hall for a few days.

YANBU. Totally he's overthinking it. Just in and out as many times, within reason, you need. My mum used to ignore and refuse to talk when angry. Fucking childish behavior and he's treating you like a child and not a partner.

Personally, it’s cabin fever. You’ve been cooped up like sardines and now are just snapping at each other out of stress.

I agree with this. And reading on here about 'rules' on how often you should go also causes unnecessary stress for people. You can go as often as you need to, and that will vary for every person and family - that's the reason why it does NOT say go once per week or month or whatever. You do not need to justify your choices, so don't feel you have to.
The social distancing thing is here to stay - until at least the end of the year. So queues for supermarkets are also here to stay for as long as numbers allowed in are limited, and nobody is eating outside the home in restaurants/schools/canteens etc. You need to find what is sustainable for you in terms or minimizing risk but also eliminating the stress its causing you.

You don't need to leave your shopping in the hallway for days. Just put it away!!

Why does he get to make all the rules? Why does he have his own food? Just put the shopping away and wash your hands do you wash the car boot handle the car door handle gear stick steering wheel bank card purse car keys house keys etc too

Why is your teen not doing any shopping?

Why would you send your teenager to do a family food shop? I do suppose it depends how old they are. Mines only 13.

Why haven’t you answered the questions about his personal box of food?

@MargotB7 why not? They can read a list and it would give them something to do, makes sense especially if OP has a lung condition. And they can certainly go for the smaller bread and milk purchases.

You don't need to sterilise all the shopping. You can simply wait three days before unpacking the stuff that you don't need immediately or that has to go in the fridge.

Or you can “simply” unpack your shopping and put it away/use it as normal. People have gone batshit crazy.

I was reading this morning (TIMES2) how actually it probably IS advisable to wipe things down, and that the freezer won't kill the virus etc, I don't agree with the leaving things out, so we wipe everything and put it away. I did consider stopping as for one reason or another we are pretty sure we had the virus already, but H said that there was no harm in carrying on the way we have until we are sure we are in the clear.

I agree people have lost their fucking minds in so many ways, but this is the least of the batshit stuff. In my very humble and layperson opinion

EVeryone decides what is right for them. We are being pretty careful but I certainly would not have a shower when I got back from the supermarket. We wash our hands very well and we go once a week.

I go to the post box every day by car (for work as is permitted) and post office a few times a week which is not busy and has big gaps in the queue. I stayed well away from the Sky man who put up the replacement satellite dish earlier this week working only outside which felt safe t me. A few delivery men have got a bit too close but only outside and not a big problem and I do a lot of washing, only had 2 colds in 2 years, get vit D from the sun every day, seen GP once in 15 years so I don't feel my immune system is poor. My student sons whoa re fit and not fat are also not likely to be at major risk but are home and being very careful too.

I think this thread is just about a husband and wife having to deal with new and difficult circumstances and it isn't really necessary to say who is right or wrong. We all just have to try to get along with those with whom we live at present.

hello OPs DH
You are being an unbelievably selfish bell-end. If you are eating the food then what precisely are you contributing to the acquisition of it?

When you've queued and shopped yourself, then you can criticise. Until then belt up and stop acting like a pathetic arse.
(we go to Morrisons together at 9.30am and have only briefly queued once for about 30 seconds!)

OP I don't know why you would bother buying him so much as a pea in future - he can eat his allotment instead!

Christ almighty, don't do that! Oh hi husband, look at all these people saying what a wanker you are...

Are either of you supposed to be shielding @igotvegandbreadforyou is that why he's so hysterical about it all?

Stash some emergency baked beans and a spoon in your knicker drawer. Then write him a tearstained note.

"Darling, I lay awake all night burning with shame at my thoughtless behaviour. OF COURSE you are completely right, I beg you to forgive my foolishness. You know best so in future, I will stay home safe and leave all the shopping to you. "

My teen has not been in a supermarket in years probably... and he has absolutely no idea of the carnage we had at the outset of this and that's all fine with me. He had enough crap going on watching his bus get emptier and emptier and teachers going off on isolation etc, it was terrifying immediately before the school closed. Keeping him away from the new life we are all living is better.

You don't need to sterilise all the shopping. You can simply wait three days before unpacking the stuff that you don't need immediately or that has to go in the fridge.

Or you could just put it away and wash your hands?

I couldn't live like this.

In my opinion, you both need to chill out about this or you'll drive yourselves crazy. Shopping doesn't need sterilised, you don't need to shower every time you leave the house- these things are only reducing your risk marginally (there's no way for you to know whether you're doing a 'good' enough job so you might be missing traces of the virus, anyway), but they're increasing your anxiety to no end.

Is your husband usually this controlling? Even in a pandemic, you'd be fucked if I let my partner dictate to me about when I left the house, especially when I was going to buy food for the family. You can leave at whatever time, and however frequently you feel is required/essential. Stop letting him control you. You aren't telling him when to exercise and if he's allowed to go to his allotment (both of which likely have much of an effect on you, anyway!)

You're an adult woman who is presumably fairly intelligent, you can make your own judgements. Stand by them. He'll huff for a week or so but eventually, he'll get over it. If he continues to be an arse, I'd tell him to sort the shopping himself and take yourself out every day for exercise. He'll soon shut up.

MzHz

This is how I feel.

Unless either of you are vulnerable it does sound a bit OTT. We aim to shop weekly but often run out of milk etc, our kids are always hungry etc so sometimes ends up being 5 days between shops.
I dont think theres any need to shower/change clothes.
Does your husband have health anxiety? I'm a germaphobe although we dont wipe groceries down I do freak out if shopping bags get put on work tops etc or people dont take shoes off after being outaide/come from supermarket etc
Your DH certainly has no right to be treating you the way he is.

@MzHzI was reading this morning (TIMES2) how actually it probably IS advisable to wipe things down, and that the freezer won't kill the virus etc, I don't agree with the leaving things out, so we wipe everything and put it away.

I attach a screenshot of what you read. The overwhelming balance of the expert advice is that it is not necessary to wipe down your shopping. The closest they get is saying that if you are particularly anxious then do it if it makes you feel better.

pallasathena
Your post sounds genuinely concerned. No, it doesn't offend me. I understand why you think so. I hate confliction whereas DH isn't afraid of picking a fight. I often choose to try to understand and I am not a black and white person. I can live with grey. So I may come across pushed-over or easily controlled. But I'm not. I am aware of my own limit of how much to let people walk around over me. I knew he wouldn't like me to go but I went because I felt he was a bit too obsessed and forcing me to accept whatever he believes right without any effort to listen to my view. I have my own brain and mind.

A sulking man,who tries to make silly rules,is a pain in the backside.Tell him to shut it, and go to his allotment for a couple of weeks, and he can talk to his cabbages instead.