Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive disagreement over the way of food shopping (DH and I)

232 replies

igotvegandbreadforyou · 23/04/2020 11:11

NC for this topic as I'm going to discuss an argument/disagreement between DH and me had last night and he would hate to be identified in RL.

We have been strictly sticking to the lockdown rules and I've stepped out of our home only three times so far, all for food shopping. DH has been out almost everyday but for his once a day exercise or/and visiting his very isolated allotment. He goes out only early morning, usually comes back home at around 7 am. He says no one is around as it's so early.

My first trip to our local Tesco Express was with DH - he drove and waited in a car and I went grab stuff. It was at the opening time so very quiet.

The second trip was to our local corner shop and I went alone on foot (3 mins) in an evening. My friend told me the shop was usually very quiet in the evenings (7-8 pm) and I needed milk and bread for DH (I don't need them). DH didn't like it as he believed early morning was the best time to go but it was quiet as my friend said and I got what he needed - he needs lots of milk for his cereal and snacks on toasts daytime. So this didn't develop into an argument.

The third trip was to our local Tesco Express by car - this was last night and I went alone. Earlier the day, DH said we were running out a few essentials such as vegs and bread so we would need to go shopping again soon. I heard our local Tesco was fairly quiet in the evenings so decided to go. I am the cook in our household so I really wanted to fill our fridge to feed my family the next day.

When I got back home with three huge shopping bags, I started sterilizing them as I always do then had a shower as I always do. I got a lot of yummy stuff which would make DH super happy the next day. But he wasn't happy and he got very very angry that I went shopping...

His point was that I was risking my family by going out for shopping. Apparently I was being selfish and irresponsible. He thinks we should only go out once two weeks and only very early morning.

I can see what he means but as the one who plans meals, once two weeks is a bit too ambitious. I would like to go at least once a week. Some of my friends go twice a week! We have a teen boy who eats like a horse too. Also, I think it doesn't matter if I go in the evening or morning as long as the shop is quiet. I can see early morning may be 'cleaner' as fewer people have entered the shop on the day but evenings work better for my schedule.

I argued back to him that if I was selfish because I went shopping for family (and it happened only three times so far) he would also be selfish that he would go out for his exercise every single day. I had asked him to buy milk and bread on way home sometimes (then I don't need to go shopping so often) but so far he hasn't done this and always comes back home empty-handed. I think he thinks going to shop is high risk in general, but it's very early morning which is the time he thinks the safest to shop.... I have no intention to push anyone to do something they feel unsafe or uncomfortable so I had never ever complained about it. But last night I pointed this out too. At this point he wasn't listening to me so I am not sure how much he heard what I said.

This morning, I said 'good morning' to him but he ignored. Clearly he is still very angry. But I know he would happily eat whatever I prepare using the stuff I bought yesterday.

I understand he is only trying to protect us so his anger is coming from good intention but I feel he is forcing me what he believes best and zero understanding nor flexibility to try to see what I think fine to do. I wear a mask and gloves, clean all the items I bring into our family home, have a shower straight and wash all the clothes I wore outside. I think I am doing all I can to be responsible and at very least I go out to get what my family need not just for exercise to fulfil my need.

Am I missing anything here? How could I make him see my point? Or phahaps I need to understand his views more? Please tell me your thoughts! I may show DH this thread if needed...

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 23/04/2020 12:33

His attitude is totally ott. What would he do if your car broke down? Give up eating? Or rather have you give up eating? He really doesnt sound v nice...

Rottnest · 23/04/2020 12:34

What drinking in the night garden said.!!!!!

ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2020 12:36

OP how have your survived on only 3 shops (one a very small one) during all this time if you don't have delivery or click and collect?

Does your DH have a different diet to everyone else if he has boxes of his own emergency supply, surely that should be for everyone? I have set up a box with a few essentials which are to be used only in an emergency, but they are for everyone.

f83mx · 23/04/2020 12:36

I think you’ve both taken this too far

Rebootingagain · 23/04/2020 12:37

You don't need to sterilise all the shopping. You can simply wait three days before unpacking the stuff that you don't need immediately or that has to go in the fridge.

Are people really doing this? Blows my mind!

notalwaysalondoner · 23/04/2020 12:37

I’m staying with my parents and they have the same debate. My mum is shopping alone for 6 adults, there’s no way she can manage less often than once a week. I think unless you’ve got a vulnerable person at home or reason to think you’ve got the virus then it’s fine, go as often as you need to.

Sounds like your husband has some health anxiety to be honest - there is no rule at all to say that you can only go shopping every two weeks or only at 6am, so unless there are health issues you haven’t mentioned there is no reason for him to be so over dramatic.

callmeadoctor · 23/04/2020 12:38

Your DH should be given the job of shopping and cooking, sorted..................

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/04/2020 12:39

I work in a supermarket.

People are observing the 2m rule. It's not a rugby scrum in there. What does your DH think is going to happen?

Nicknacky · 23/04/2020 12:39

Can anyone point me in the direction of guidance that advises leaning shooing for three days? Posters talk about it it as if it’s real guidance.

EvilPea · 23/04/2020 12:41

I’ve done first thing and early evening.
I’d take early evening every time now. It’s quieter so your in contact with fewer people and the shelves are being restocked for the next day.
There’s no queue outside or for the checkouts, it took me an hour less to do it in the evening then at opening.

I don’t think there’s an actual right answer, it’s what your comfortable with.

MordredsOrrery · 23/04/2020 12:42

I voted YABU because I think you're both being unreasonable. His response is massively ott and he should do some shopping himself. But you also need to get your exercise and not at stupidly early o'clock, either.

Nicknacky · 23/04/2020 12:42

“Leaving shopping”. And that’s me without a wine yet.

PinkCrayon · 23/04/2020 12:43

Alot of shops are quiet in the evenings he is wrong that you must only go in the mornings. He sounds bossy and like it's his way or no way or you will have to put up with his sulking.
Yanbu

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2020 12:43

He's an early bird, you're more of a night owl, is what I get from this. You both choose quiet shopping times, that suit you.

Oh and he's being superior, controlling and rather a nasty piece of work. (Whether that's emerged through stress, or he's always like this, only you know).

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2020 12:48

Oh and you need to get outside, for fresh air and exercise. I hope you're taking vitamin D pills too (you sound like the type who will have been doing so relgiously for months). You'll still benefit from sunlight on your skin, and exercising outdoors.

Ohohohwhereyougoing · 23/04/2020 12:49

So he's happy for you to go and risk your life at the supermarket to feed him but only at his say so? Tell him to fuck right off.

Rathersexyfortysomethingblonde · 23/04/2020 12:54

My HD is like this too.
When the panic buying started, we had zero in out cupboard as we never buy more than needed for a few days only.
I don’t drive or perhaps I’m not able to use his car as he not keen so I run into near shops like McCalls or Coop to get anything available. These shops are like 2-3 miles away so I carried heavy tins and bottles on my back like an idiot.
I manauto get tins which we usually don’t buy but I was happy to buy anything.
Also I used my own pocket money for this as I’m sahm.
He just screamed at me, why do I buy all this rubbish, if he fancy Heinz beans and got different brand.
Also I’m vulnerable so I should avoid places like that.
No. I went out and hunt for food.
He just happily snacked on food I bough...that’s was ok. Fucking wanker..

SueEllenMishke · 23/04/2020 12:55

Completely OTT all round.
Going shopping is fine at any point of the day. In my experience people are observing the 2m rule and supermarkets are doing a great job of managing things.
There is no need to wear masks and gloves. My friend works in a potential and they are asking people to remove gloves when they arrive. Just don't touch your face and wash your hands.
There is no need to wash shopping or leave it for 3 days.

This situation really has shown that as a society we severely lack in common sense and the ability to understand simple rules and instructions.

BogRollBOGOF · 23/04/2020 12:56

Where are you shopping? Chernobyl?

Of course you need to go out and buy a balanced range of food. If you don't eat, you will die. With social distancing the odds of coming back, falling ill and dying from the virus are pretty darn low.

Being more careful about sanitising hands while out is sensible. Gloves are no different to touching anything with your skin, so unless you have very good practice at not contaminating yourself back again, they're a waste of time. There is no clear evidence about masks being helpful. Poor usage of masks can be unhelpful, like with gloves.

In the absence of specific health concerns which make you especially vulnerable, there is no need for all this paranoia of random PPE and disinfecting food. If the spread of the virus was really that bad, half of the population would have died as a result of the panic buying phase in March. Getting obsessed over not catching the virus at any cost is not mentally healthy.

DH is being a controlling arse. He can feed himself if he feels that strongly about it! There's a limit to how long he'll sustain himself on his little stash without shopping.

SonjaMorgan · 23/04/2020 12:57

You both sound petty. We aren't shopping much but when I do go I get snacks. I don't need them but figure if I am shopping anyway then why not. You should go to the allotment with him and get some fresh air.

saraclara · 23/04/2020 12:57

@Rathersexyfortysomethingblonde why on earth are you still with this man?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2020 12:58

Hang on; I need to feed our teen so I still have to go even if DH starts shopping them by himself. DH has two boxes full of emergency foods so he can survive without shopping for many days I guess.

You what? He what? Do you realise how weird that sounds?

You (individually and collectively) need to decide whether you're actually shielding or not and, who is most vulnerable. Then plan and allocate tasks accordingly.

pallasathena · 23/04/2020 12:59

Apologies if this offends OP, but you come across as one of these 'surrendered wives', constantly looking for approval, constantly trying not to offend or upset.
For your own mental health I'd rebel...just rebel and tell 'DH', to do one.

MzHz · 23/04/2020 12:59

Soo... were the shops quiet when you went? was HE right and you were queueing round the block?

I had heard that most were queuing up first thing to go to supermarket and that about 4pm it was v quiet.

I waited and waited, dreading going (I'm agoraphobic) but went at 4pm and it was blissfully quiet, I walked straight in. when I came out, there was a queue. I had been prepared to drive straight home again if there was a massive queue.

What works for him in what he does, works for him. what works for you, works for you. You are not being irresponsible any more than he is. His allotment is a LOT less essential than your going to the supermarket for milk etc.

Tearing each other apart is not going to make this situation any easier. If you both commit to doing what needs to be done in the safest manner possible, that is all that can be expected of either of you. He has no right to tell you off as you are not doing anything illegal or wrong.

Rubyroost · 23/04/2020 13:00

@saraclara my nearest supermarket is over 10 miles away... 13 miles to be precise. Most people have cars nowadays so I'm assuming it's something op can do. Once every week for example, isn't too much mileage Hmm