To split with my wonderful and caring fiance

[blueminds]

I have been with my fiancé for fifteen years - since the age of 17. We have both come from poverty stricken backgrounds and deprivation. We've been together through university, grief and the birth of our two children and he is the kindest, sweetest man I could ever be with. We were due to marry in the summer, our wedding has now been cancelled. For about three months, I have had fleeting feelings where I have wished our wedding was cancelled. When I got the phone call I was so relieved. Every day I wake up, I know I love him but I can't be with him. I'm not sure if its depression because the way I am writing about him, there would be no indication that I did not like him. There are no major flaws with him, he is not flawless but he is the most patient man and hands on with his children. I just fear we've outgrown each other. As mentioned above, we've grown up in poor households and managed to achieve some sort of success economically. Our lives have stayed relatively the same, but it no longer excites me.

You grow up a lot from 17 to 32. It doesn’t make you a bad person to have outgrown the relationship. I liked my ex greatly and felt I couldn’t break up with him because I didn’t want to hurt him, but being with him was ruining my life I was so miserable. When we finally split it was a huge weight off and I was far, far happier.

That seems like a minor reason to end a (nearly) marriage without any discussion of trying. I'd talk to him, explain you're feeling a bit stuck in a rut and concerned the relationship might go stale, and think together of things you can do to make it feel exciting again. If none of it works, then sure, maybe you will want to leave, but I wouldn't rush into that. A kind, stable and patient man is worth a lot. To be honest your post made me think of that song about Pina Coladas!

I remember friends being incredibly distraught in late 20s that not all school friendships had lasted and remained unchanged - it's just part of growing up/getting old .
You have both probably changed a lot - 17 to 30s is an incredible period of personal growth, it would be weird if you hadn't.
Maybe it's time to have a good think about what you want from the future, and BF to do the same, and have a really honest conversation about it together.
You clearly have a deep love and affection, even if you don't perceive marriage to be the next logical step - you'll still be in each others lives because of the children - no one on here can advise what's best for you, but it's probably a good thing that you're admitting these concerns to yourself now.
Good Luck, I hope it goes well

Can you go back to basics and try getting to know each other again.
Dating is mostly awful these days, if he is a good nan a good father I'd put my heart into trying.
The presenter Kate garraway had an affair with her husband meeting in secret places.
It is difficult to stay in a relationship from such a young age.

*man not nan

Sounds like you're bored.
Breaking up might be the best thing for you, but equally it might show you that the grass isn't greener out there and actually you had it pretty good with him.

Hard to say because no one has a functional crystal ball that will tell you which.

Do you have an eye on someone else? If so, then of course you must split with your fiancé - but in all honesty, be very sure it's the right thing to do.

If not about him or you. It's about the relationship. Do you love him? Fancy him? Smile when you see him? He could be perfect just not for you. Or the relationship is strong you are just depressed or bored or stressed.

Counselling?

Are the children also yours, or just his? For me, it makes a huge difference if you are already bound to one another as parents. If you have no tie, then walk away if you have doubts. If you share children, then you have to decide if the lack of excitement is worth breaking up a family.

I would really avoid making life changing decisions during this time as stress levels are high and it may be affecting how you view the relationship. Also more time spent together due to social distancing rules means less time apart and the little things that get on your nerves are more apparent and seem bigger.

You can't marry someone just because they are a good father. They need to be a good husband.

I admire your self awareness and strength tbh.

I don't think it's particularly healthy to be with someone you started a relationship at 16/17/18 this many years down the track. I think many find it easier to ignore those niggling feelings or don't recognise them for what they may be. I know I'm in the minority here but being bound to someone you chose as a teen is not what I'd want for my own children.
You also have the shared history which was probably extremely comforting and likely still is but it also means that you don't actually know HOW to be an adult independently.
Don't stay because it's 'easier' or because you feel a responsibility for your partners happiness. Stay because you've explored your own feelings, even if you need to speak to someone independently, and decided it is what YOU want and need.
Can you talk to your partner about how you are feeling?

It definitely sounds like a relationship you should work hard at to give it a try op. Can you find a counselling session to work through your feelings and suggest some things for you to try? Long term relationships with nice guys who are good dads shouldn’t be thrown away without a serious attempt.
Picture your life split up. Picture the details of handover. Or not being able to chat to him about your day. Not calling him when something goes wrong. Next time he does something around the house or with the dc think how would it feel to never see that again? You need to be sure.

For the sake of your children, you should see if you can grow back together again.

I agree with the poster above. Visualize your DP and his new GF coming to pick the DC's up for a weekend. If you feel at peace with that, reigniting a spark might be an uphill battle.

It depends. People change especially in their 20s. You might no longer be a good match. If I had married my bf I had at 17, I'd be miserable now.

But you might just be chasing excitement and end up unhappy.

Sometimes it's hard to know.

Think very carefully about this - the grass might not be greener on the other side. Dating in your 30s as a single parent is tough and more likely he will move on before you. Genuine people are hard to find so he'll get snapped up.

Merlotmum85, has hit the nail on the head, look how many "stars" get divorced very quickl,y is it life in general that no longer excites you, we go through ups and downs, these are difficult times at the moment, maybe this isnt the moment to be thinking of splitting

It's hard to tell from your post whether your relationship has really run its course or whether this is a restlesness that always sets in at some point and you shouldn't necessarily give in to - I thought the former until you talked about 'excitement' at the end. Adult life isn't exciting, most of the time! And the 'excitement' of a new relationship can go sour pretty quickly with children, bills and responsibilities. Obviously getting relationship counselling is tough atm, but from how you describe things I think it would be a good way forward to start with.

Why were you only just planning to marry now? Not disapprovng, just curious - a relationship of this length, obviously no objection in principle to marriage, but marrying after 15 years does make me wonder whether the reason might tell you something about the relationship. I ask as someone who has been with her dh since 20, a tiny shoestring wedding less than 3 years in and will be married 20 years this year.

Life with young children isn’t terribly exciting. It sounds as if you perhaps have fomo. I think you need to talk to him about what he wants for the future for you all before throwing in the towel. The wedding is on hold anyway and that is buying you time.

Agree with Crystal imagine handing your children over on Christmas eve so they can spend Christmas morning with Daddy his new wife and their baby. How does that make you feel?

Because that is the reality of what you are suggesting. I had that exact conversation with my now divorced friend (their situation was a teeny bit different, but not that different) and she is now alone and has been for 5 years, he is remarried living a lovely life with his new wife and her daughter, plus 50/50 with his own children. He is a truly lovely, caring man, a lovely father, of course someone else was going to see that.

Life isn't "exciting" all the time, what is wrong with content? Comfortable? Do you look forward to seeing him? Still want him physically? Talk to him and engage with him?

Dh and I have been married just over 20 years. I love being with him, talking and laughing with him, and still fancy the arse off him.

Also what could you afford living by yourself? Don't for one second assume that this caring, loving man won't feel hurt and shaft you financially. Happens all the time, you only have to read the relationships board.

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you like, including the fact that you've outgrown it. However, as he seems like a nice man and you have two DC, it's worth putting in some effort before you do so. Would you consider marriage guidance counselling? At the very least talk to him and see if you can come up with some ways to spice things up a bit.

Remember that any new relationship will be with a man who has his own kids (read a few of the step parenting posts on here for an insight into the challenges of a blended family) or wants kids (do you want another baby?) or has never wanted kids (will he be a nice step dad to yours?). You shouldn't stay just for the kids, but if you can make it work it's usually better for the kids iyswim.

Agree with other PP's that you need to consider all possible outcomes.

How does it make you feel to picture him with someone else?

It sounds like life is a little boring for you right now. You could make this exciting by having date nights at home. Set the table, light a candle. Cook together. Both dress up a bit. Flirt. Reminisce. Laugh about the early years of your relationship.

It is totally possible to re-connect and reignite that spark.

How old are your children? I think grass can feel much greener on the other side when they are young as it can become quite relentless.

I’m 35, DH 36. We’ve been together since we were 18 and 19, married at 29 and 30, first child aged 31 and 32 then two more shortly after. I love him, he loves me but we do have difficult times. Constant exhaustion, trying to maintain careers and the relentless nature of parenthood does that. We love each other, we muddle through and we hope to come out the other side stronger. That’s not to say you are the same but it’s worth remembering others go through tough times too.

That said, it’s good you are considering all of this now before the wedding. I wouldn’t necessarily act upon it though.

I'd have died for a man like that.
My husband of 20 years thought the grass was greener, his life is now shit and he is forever asking to come home because he never met anyone like me again.
I won't have him back, anyone who walks can stay gone in my mind and I realised that actually he wasn't Mr Wonderful and I didn't want him back.
You probably want some excitement because you've missed out on those times being with someone so young but life as a single parent with 2 kids is pretty grim unless you work and bring in a lot of money.
Put off the marriage, talk to him.

I think CJsGoldfish makes good points.

Not sure why so many posters are focused on how supposedly terrible dating is - has the op said she's desperate to jump into another relationship? It's perfectly possible to be happy and fulfilled as a single person.

If we're going down the "for the sake of the children" path then we should also consider that those children deserve to be given a model of a healthy relationship from their parents, not a dysfunctional one.

Sounds like it’s more of an easy brother/sister type relationship rather than boyfriend.