To split with my wonderful and caring fiance

[blueminds]

I have been with my fiancé for fifteen years - since the age of 17. We have both come from poverty stricken backgrounds and deprivation. We've been together through university, grief and the birth of our two children and he is the kindest, sweetest man I could ever be with. We were due to marry in the summer, our wedding has now been cancelled. For about three months, I have had fleeting feelings where I have wished our wedding was cancelled. When I got the phone call I was so relieved. Every day I wake up, I know I love him but I can't be with him. I'm not sure if its depression because the way I am writing about him, there would be no indication that I did not like him. There are no major flaws with him, he is not flawless but he is the most patient man and hands on with his children. I just fear we've outgrown each other. As mentioned above, we've grown up in poor households and managed to achieve some sort of success economically. Our lives have stayed relatively the same, but it no longer excites me.

Two thoughts occur to me which is first you aren't marrying in the first flush of the relationship, that always makes it a bit harder as you aren't in the starry eyed phase. Second, lockdown is a very very weird time and I honestly don't think I would make any lockdown decisions, it's an odd way of living that will put a strain on most people. Also he's working very long hours so you aren't getting much time together, and that is impacting intimacy/communication.

I don't get a sense of whether you (normally out of lockdown) fancy him, find him interesting and so on.

From what you have said, you have vague sense of dissatisfaction in your life and you've fixed it on him, but your reasons are really quite weak and sound all about you and your not quite having direction/imaging a different life.

Of course you don't have to stay with someone forever, but you don't seem to know how lucky you are either, and if he's a well-paid intelligent hard-working guy who is great with kids, kind and so forth, he really will move on. I guess if you don't feel lucky though, then throw him back and start again. I think you think he'll be in your life anyway, because of the children and that's true, but there's a hell of a difference between this guy being there for you all the time and the type of availability/easiness if he has a new partner/new children as well.

I definitely wouldn't marry now though. Use the excuse of lockdown to put it off for a year or two, or even a decade as long as you are financially secure and make wills. This sounds like a phase of discontent, and in a long marriage, there will always be those.

Marriages go through rough patches. And really, with the length of time and shared children, that is already what this is. Make no mistake, if you leave it will be just as hard and messy as any divorce. I would commit to individual counseling for a spell before doing anything drastic. N

I am in a similar position to your DP. Been with DH 26 years, been married 21 years. Now he's b..o..r..e..d.. and has been saying this for a while now. Nearly split up twice and when given an ultimatum he changes his mind.

My DH has really broken my heart. He has always been a great husband, father and my best friend. We have achieved so very, very much together. We are both from WC backgrounds and are much higher up the ladder than we even thought and also get snooty sneers from people for not being on the right side of the tracks.

My DH says we have grown apart. What I think he means by this is that I am happy with my lot (50's, lovely DC, nice house, nice thingsP and am no longer ruthlessly ambitious as I was whereas he is a high earning, management and thinks he is better than me now when I have supported his career choices for years agreeing to multiple moves and being lonely myself.

I don't want to split from my DH and I hope it works out. He says I am a great wife and mother, he loves me, I'm funny, intelligent and thinks I'm beautiful, but he's bored.... As others mentioned above, I think he would feel euphoric for a while and free if we split, but I think he would regret what he has thrown away later. Or maybe not. He's done this twice now and if he does it again I will end it for him. Sometimes I feel like I should let him go free if I really love him, but then I don't think I am holding him to ransom. I've offered to pack his bags for him twice and said he can walk away.

One thing you need to consider though OP is that my DH assumed we would be friends if we split. I said absolutely not and aside from dealings re the DC I would refuse to engage with him on any level. I would also take him for everything I could get out of him so I could still keep as much as my DC's lifestyle as possible.