To split with my wonderful and caring fiance

[blueminds]

I have been with my fiancé for fifteen years - since the age of 17. We have both come from poverty stricken backgrounds and deprivation. We've been together through university, grief and the birth of our two children and he is the kindest, sweetest man I could ever be with. We were due to marry in the summer, our wedding has now been cancelled. For about three months, I have had fleeting feelings where I have wished our wedding was cancelled. When I got the phone call I was so relieved. Every day I wake up, I know I love him but I can't be with him. I'm not sure if its depression because the way I am writing about him, there would be no indication that I did not like him. There are no major flaws with him, he is not flawless but he is the most patient man and hands on with his children. I just fear we've outgrown each other. As mentioned above, we've grown up in poor households and managed to achieve some sort of success economically. Our lives have stayed relatively the same, but it no longer excites me.

I just fear we've outgrown each other.

Can you expand on this?

You’ve been together a long time what do you want to change? Embarking on a split with 2 kids involved because life is a bit boring is quite a decision and could lead to disaster.

Have you spoken to him at all about how you feel? This is your opportunity with the wedding having been cancelled

Be honest and tell him how you feel. For all you know, he could be feeling exactly the same way but if you don't talk you'll never know. Good luck x

I agree with PP that the grass isn't necessarily greener, but I can understand why you'd think about ending it after being together from such a young age.

Relationships change with time, it could be you're chasing an excitement that you only get in the first couple of years. Love changes - it becomes comfortable, secure, based on years of trust and shared experiences. I think it's normal to fantasise about a different life, but think about the reality of it too.

Have you spoken with him about your feelings? How would you feel if he met someone else? Is there another reason you want to end it - do you feel held back?

OP, you don't really go into a lot of depth about what the issues are other than you're bored and have outgrown him. What makes you feel that way? Do you still fancy him, still connect sexually? Do you spend time together and still have shared interests? What is making you feel this way and is it something you can work on?

I've been with my DH for 19 years since I was 21. We've had our ups and downs. Having DC was the real test of our relationship and I honestly thought we wouldn't make it at one point. It has taken working together to get to the point where we are now. But the key is we were willing to work together, if we weren't we would have called it a day.

There is nothing wrong with separating if you don't think you can work on the relationship. But I do think it's a shame without first trying to see if you can improve your current relationship.

those children deserve to be given a model of a healthy relationship from their parents, not a dysfunctional one

But OP hasn't given any indication that her husband is a bad person or that their relationship is dysfunctional. She just says that she loves him but lacks enthusiasm about getting married. It doesn't sound dysfunctional at all, just that she is unexcited about the relationship at the moment.

I'd give it a second chance , OP. Talk to him and find out how he is feeling.

I split up with the boyfriend I was with from 18 thru to 29 for similar reasons - I regret it to be honest - I think the way I felt then was the way a lot of long term relationships get - a bit stuck in the rut no excitement - it was the relationship rather than the person. Coupled with this was the fact that my friends/peers were either single or in the early honeymoon phase so it didn't compare. I do think there is something special with being with someone who has known you through your growing up period and not just as an adult- and also with someone whom you share children - i'm not saying that you should stay with him because of that but just work really hard before you call it a day

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is wrong.

All marriages 'go off the boil' sometimes and people feel bored.

But you do have 2 kids and you owe it to them to try to make this work.

Obviously you felt differently some time ago. I'd be interested to know that if you had done this in a different order- marriage THEN children, how would you feel?

Obviously kids are a bigger commitment than marriage- you can't divorce or send them back!- so what exactly is it that being married to him makes you feel?

I think you should get some counselling. Relate do it by phone so you could talk to someone now.

I think the fact that you wake up every day feeling that marriage isn’t right is a big deal

I also think the fact he is lovely means investing in some therapy is worth investing in
You’ll likely NOT change your mind but investing some thought into it is worthwhile and will make you feel more comfortable around the decisions you make

Do you think being married is too "final" IFYSWIM? Living together may feel different.ATM this situation with COVID is testing us all.I would leave any long term decisions for now .If you are together more than usual ,this may also add stress as well. As PP have said above its difficult to be a SP ,and if you meet someone new you will have to cope with Access Visits with your ex and so on.

Please don't go into this hastily. I split with my ex H after feeling this way. We had been together several years and one DC, 4 years on, I regret it so much and I think deep down, he does too.. he now lives with another woman and her Dc and they have a child together. The OW is very controlling and has destroyed his personal relationships and makes things very difficult for us all. I moved on and have a partner who I love very much but doesn't have the parental bond I would have loved for my DC. If my ex and I had sat down and had an honest talk rather than me just feeling "stuck" (we were 23 and 21 when we got married) and jumping ship, things might be different and happier now.
Of course only you can decide this.
...but at the time we split and divorced, I felt a huge relief, just for the reality to hit me a few years later, that actually I let a very good man go, and believe me, as a PP said, these men are very difficult to find.
Please take it easy, and try and find your spark again, if you can... think of the future and all the different scenarios that could play out - I naively thought it was always going to be happy families, due to my ex H being a "good man" ....when new partners get involved, it doesn't always play out that way.

Good luck op x x x

My parents married at 18 & 19 and split in their early 40s for exactly that reason. Outgrown each other - it happens.

As well as picturing your DP with a new gf and handing the kids over in Christmas morning also try and picture this. You’ve been with him since 17 & the average life expectancy for a woman is 83 so you could be with him for 66 years. Now I think 66 years is still too short a time to have with my DH a hundred times that would still not be enough. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Or does the idea of 66 years fill you with horror?

You might be bored and thinking it's him you're bored with, so maybe find (at the moment) interests you can do at home. How would you feel if you knew you could get out more and find other exciting things to do. Would that help? Also, obviously while you feel like you do, don't get married. I'm presuming the wedding was cancelled because of lockdown, and he doesn't know how you feel? Is he likely to push it when lockdown has ended? If he's really keen on the idea he might wonder why you're not at least still enthusiastic about it. However, lockdown has given you some breathing space. As PP's have said the grass isn't always greener, but then if you really have outgrown the relationship and continue to find him dull then I can't see it lasting. How would you feel if the marriage idea was dropped, and if so, what will his reaction be? My advice is don't be too hasty.

You said you’ve only been having these thoughts for a few months. I would definitely give it longer to work out your feelings and don’t do anything rash as things are difficult for us all at the moment. I would let life settle down for some time and then if you feel the same, maybe some counselling.

Three possibilities occurred to me reading your OP:

This is a sex life thing where it's vanished and you don't want to live like that long term

Your head's been turned by someone else

You say he doesn't have 'major flaws' but if you actually described the minor flaws, people would see a much less pleasant picture of this man

1 and 2 are fixable and well worth working on. 3 is more serious. Which is it?

Don't split just because you've been together a long time.

I don't agree with the Goldfish's comment about it not being "healthy" to have been with someone since 17.

The strongest and most joyful couple I know got together in high school and have been exclusive ever since. They are now in their mid 50s.

I agree with PP, now is not the time to make big changes - life is going to change a huge amount anyway and we don't yet know what the new reality will be like. A solid relationship may well make all the difference for you and for your children - and for now you are locked down together with huge levels of stress. Stress does turn to depression very easily.
I wonder if you need an 'exciting' project outside your marriage? What might that look like? If you can't think of one, why will being single be different?
Of course there's no need to rearrange the wedding and you have every excuse not to even talk about that now. Bear in mind there's nothing very exciting about being a single parent, dating with children is difficult. Men who consider themselves to be good partners will identify with your ex when they hear your story.

Having been through depression with my partner I can see that could be a possibility, I didn't want to be with him at the time. I tried to end it but he was reluctant and it was difficult due to circumstances. I feel happier now with everything, including him. Not head over heels in love but content. Maybe give it some time and see if you can make any positive changes. Don't feel bad about feeling relieved about the wedding.

You mention twice in your OP that you both. grew up very poor and are now more comfortable — why is this so important in your head?

Also, is it primarily the idea of marrying him you don’t like? DH and I have been together since we were students (now mid-40s) and I really never wanted to marry him, despite adoring him. We had to marry for a visa situation after we’d been together for almost 20 years, and I still wasn’t keen to the point he thought I wouldn’t show up.

It sounds like the lockdown is convenient for you in this respect: you can postpone the wedding, buying yourself some thinking time, without having to make any big decisions or difficult discussions.

It is 100% possible to decide that someone is not the person you want to be romantically involved with for the rest of your life, while also continuing to love them in a friendship or sibling-like way. Maybe this is what has happened. There would be scope, then, for a friendly and supportive co-parenting relationship were you to split.

But also, the current situation is very very stressful for everyone, and perhaps this affects us in strange ways. Before the pandemic, I was having doubts about whether I wanted to be with my partner (even though he is wonderful) and needed a lot of time away from him. Now, I am happy he is here all the time and feel more certain of my future with him. But I'm also aware that these feeligns might in part be a result of the strange situation we're in. My plan is not to rush anything and to see how my feelings develop over time, especially after the lockdown has ended (if it ever does!). I feel that now is not the time to make big decisions, at least in my own case. Perhaps something similar could be true for you? There's no rush - you can give yourself time to think, especially since the wedding is off the table for a while.

Also, your post is so gentle, compassionate, and respectful of your partner :)

I think YABU and should focus on what is best for your children and the positives in what you have. It does not sound as though there is any good reason to disrupt your children's lives and have them become yo-yo kids, swopping between two homes. I think many couples grow and develop in different directions/ways but that need not mean the end of the relationship, more a case of adapting.

Can’t give much advice, but be careful this might be only a temporary feeling.

Relationships have ebbs and flows, you have been together for a very long time and this could just be a rut.

But, Don’t ignore how you feel. Explore it, maybe with a relationship counsellor.

Good luck

@blueminds You spoken of fear that you may have outgrown each other. So is this niggling disquiet that you have an anxiety about the future in general or your future with him? Has something happened between you in some way that has subtly thrown your relationship off kilter? It need not be anything huge or outrageous, almost too daft to take seriously, but it has changed how you feel?

Because in a relationship, each person will grow from their own experiences & change their perspectives at different times & at different rates, & this in turn is brought into the relationship between them. How this is done - by pulling together rather than pulling apart - contributes to the relationship’s resilience & longevity. If it has taken this long for you to experience misgivings, then you have sleepwalking through your life/ been very fortunate/ had a robustly sound enough relationship (delete as applies). I’d like to favour the last option & encourage you to look at your current dilemma from a positive perspective.

In the midst of the uncertainty of the pandemic, now is not the time to fix your ideas about the future of your relationship nor to make important decisions based upon a set of intangible feelings of disquiet. Give yourself time to settle, explore sharing your concerns with your partner, take the opportunity to nurture the relationship between you, practice the art of pulling together & cherish the love & security of the family you have made together.

You have children, so you are not a free agent.
If you pull apart without thought or preparation, you both recreate the uncertain economic circumstances that you each grew up in & have worked so hard to counter – perhaps this progression is a key to your angst. You have ‘arrived’ & what is next? What is next is learning how to live without that angst & enjoy where you are now. Consider that the choices made & methods used that you got you to this place allow you to live a life that you want, & now that the hardest part is done, allow you to breathe, take stock & consider the future – career, location, beliefs, aspirations & friends, & yes, your primary relationship. But I strongly urge you to look at the more immediate lesser-charged elements of your life, matters such as jobs, where to live & friendships that can be regained, fixed or started anew.You do mention depression. These are very challenging times, we are all living in an unparalleled panorama of uncertainty about our health, our loved ones, our livelihoods & the society we live in, so the pressure on our own & collective mental health is high. But that should not detract from looking after your own wellbeing. It it would help you to speak to your GP about your mental health & wellbeing, do not hesitate to make the call to discuss this.

If after a period of reflection, consideration & pulling together, the outlook is grey & seemingly bleaker between you, then look to Relate for a set of couple counselling sessions. You both have so much to work towards, & whatever you can both reasonably do to achieve this is worth the commitment of time, effort, & goodwill.

I had a messy divorce but when I look back I do wonder if we split during a rough patch and could we have got through it if we had hung on in there for a year.

A kind man who is good with the children is hard to find.