To split with my wonderful and caring fiance

[blueminds]

I have been with my fiancé for fifteen years - since the age of 17. We have both come from poverty stricken backgrounds and deprivation. We've been together through university, grief and the birth of our two children and he is the kindest, sweetest man I could ever be with. We were due to marry in the summer, our wedding has now been cancelled. For about three months, I have had fleeting feelings where I have wished our wedding was cancelled. When I got the phone call I was so relieved. Every day I wake up, I know I love him but I can't be with him. I'm not sure if its depression because the way I am writing about him, there would be no indication that I did not like him. There are no major flaws with him, he is not flawless but he is the most patient man and hands on with his children. I just fear we've outgrown each other. As mentioned above, we've grown up in poor households and managed to achieve some sort of success economically. Our lives have stayed relatively the same, but it no longer excites me.

Agree with the previous posters that you should not make any decisions now. I am older than you and have been with DH forever - so I understand you very well when you say that you feel your have outgrown each other.

My advise be not to focus on your relationship at the moment but on yourself. I.e. do not arrange date nights, etc. - instead find ways to make your own life more interesting and become happier as a person. Sports, a hobby, some online class, whatever might interest you and make you feel more fulfilled. Then you will be able to see your DP's role as it should be - to complement your life, to be a good husband to you and a good father to your children. But do make yourself happier first. Once you are, you will want your DP more.

I’d try couples counselling first. I ended things with my first love which I regretted for 14 years...we’re now married 💖💖 If it doesn’t work out after the counselling then At least you’ll be sure that you haven’t lost something wonderful. It may just have been wedding nerves.

I'm sure you've both changed alot in the years you have been together and your relationship will also have changed. Having said that it doesn't have to be the end. Maybe you need to find a bit of time for yourselves, go on dates, find time to talk or maybe try some counselling. I wouldn't throw away 15 years of being a family without making some effort to get back on track.

Honestly, I think like right now is a bad time to make life-changing decisions. It's good that the wedding has had to be cancelled, so that takes the pressure off. If it were me I would give myself e.g. six months or a year, to really put everything I could into making the relationship work, without thinking about leaving, and at the end of that time, see where you're at.

But 'not being excited' isn't a great reason to leave a relationship with someone you love, have children with, and have invested 17 years of your life with. 'Being excited' isn't a sustainable emotion. New things are exciting, familiar things rarely are. But life is built on familiar things. You don't stop parenting your children because they're no longer new. You don't change your friends because they've been around for a while. And I think it should be the same with a partner. It's not a bad thing that it's not new and exciting. It's a good thing if it's comfortable and familiar.

What would you like to be doing? What goals and dreams do you have?
Once you have some ideas I’d talk to your OH about them. I’ve been married 16 years and when you’re with someone a long time you have to allow for and encourage each other to change and develop, otherwise you so grow apart. Maybe he also has ideas about the future? Give him a chance in your imagined life. Also, if you have young children, then the idea of running away can often seem quite appealing! What do you need? I know it sounds trite but do you want an adventurous holiday without the kids and with some friends?

One of my childhood friends had a baby in her teens, then met and married a good man who became a wonderful father to her first child and the baby they had after a couple of years.

She left him when she was in her late twenties, saying she wanted to find herself. She was going to move to a city with a woman friend and have a bit of fun.

The city move never came off and she drifted for a few years. She had another child and a string of relationships including one with a violent man and one who sexually abused the children. Last time we were in touch, she was having a difficult time.

She wasn’t able to have the carefree single life she felt she’d missed out on by having children too early. And her children bitterly resented the upheaval in their lives.

I think her marriage was happy. She just got bored. OP, how old are your children? Old enough for you and your partner to develop your own interests and have a bit more individual life beyond work and childcare? If not, they soon will be. Think hard before you throw away something good for a vague feeling there’s something better.

FFS

Just imagine the OP had come on here, two kids in tow, and said that her husband wanted to walk away from the relationship because whilst the OP had 'no obvious flaws', and was great with the kids, she no longer 'excited' him.

The DP would be ripped to shreds.

@blueminds What is the relevance of your 'poor' backgrounds? You mention is twice.

Are you trying to say that on your own, without him, and vice versa, you could not be where you are today? Did you cling to each other as a mutual support 'agency' to get through uni and build a family BUT you are more like friends than lovers?

Otherwise I don't see the relevance of your poor backgrounds. Lots of couples have poor backgrounds.

Presumably when you had kids you thought your relationship was for life. How old are they ?

Was there a reason why you had kids first but didn't marry?
Were you unsure and thought the kids would 'bond you'?
Why is marriage important now?

I am always a bit at couples who say they are engaged when they already have kids because they have already made a huge, lifelong commitment by having those kids together.

In your case I can't see how being married or not married makes any difference other than the financial security it would give you as a spouse.

It's really too late to start wondering if he's not right for you as you have made a huge commitment by having kids. They deserve you to dig your heels in and find a way through this.

Walking away at the first sign of 'boredom' or whatever isn't the way to go.

I've been married over 30 years and marriages or long relationships go through boring stages. Unless you feel he and you are completely incompatible, or he's aggressive or abusive, or totally selfish, you should try to make this work.

@JinglingHellsBells

One point I did not stipulate is that we’ve led very similar lives, hence why I assumed to put it in. It is the fact that he is the only person to understand how much we struggled growing up. I am aware of other couples growing up poor, and of course it does unfortunately happen, what I meant is that he understands from my perspective as our childhoods were identical.

Re other posts. He has been aware of my change and apparent lack of enjoyment in our relationship. At first he was willing to try counselling to see if I was suffering from anything mentally. Tensions are high right now and I still love him that’s the problem but I just can’t see my future with him and I’m not sure why. I feel like it was a sign from above that our wedding was cancelled (which it wasn’t as it was related to coronavirus). I don’t have my eye on another man, but his work load has increased lately and he’s working overtime from home so we do go without speaking face to face for several days as by the time he’s finished (9pm) I’ve put the kids (6 and 4) to bed and I’ve fallen to sleep myself for WFH life the next day.

You seem to put some weight on the financially successful aspect of your relationship. I have been single now for 10 years. The being single bit doesn’t bother me at all. The financial aspect is very hard. If financial stability is important to you and your husband is a decent man, I would seriously consider counselling both together and a part before splitting.

This is a tricky situation OP, in your position I'd give it a bit longer to see if these feelings continue. You say your life no longer excites you - why is that? What do you do that interests you? Maybe if you made your life more exciting (however you might do that), then your life would become bigger and you wouldn't be conflating splitting up with him with making your life more exciting.

You say you still love him etc so that's worth something. Maybe it's not so much you can't see your future with him, but more that you can't see your future continuing in the rut you find yourselves in?

One point I did not [ did you mean to say 'not'] stipulate is that we’ve led very similar lives, hence why I assumed to put it in. It is the fact that he is the only person to understand how much we struggled growing up. I am aware of other couples growing up poor, and of course it does unfortunately happen, what I meant is that he understands from my perspective as our childhoods were identical.

Why is that important now at 32? Lots of couples have the same backgrounds, either both poor, both middle class, both upper class. Or sometimes completely different.

Are you a bit hung up on your home background and feel it was important for a partner to understand it?

At first he was willing to try counselling to see if I was suffering from anything mentally.

'suffering from anything mentally?'

That's not what counselling does. It's not about assessing your mental state, a counsellor is not a doctor assessing depression, it's about you both talking about your relationship and how you feel.

Have you had couples counselling or was it an idea to try it?

Your home life at the moment sounds a bit mad. Even if working from home, people have a lunch break or stop for a while. Both my DCs ( your age) work from home in very demanding jobs but not for 12 hrs without a break.

Have you spoken to him about it?

You still need to get to the bottom of how you feel.

You come over as bit unfocused when you say you can't imagine a future with him.

What's changed?

At one point you did.

Do you have the same life goals? what do you want out of your life? Do you work, have a career, etc?

The thing is all the boring adult pressures that you have with DP now, will also be present with any future long term partner. It really does sound like the issue here is not the person, it's about your lifestyle and relationship.

Is it also possible that you're projecting some of your frustrations with yourself, onto him? Is there more you would have liked to have achieved before 'settling down', whether that's socially, academically, professionally, creatively or whatever? If so then focus on carving out that space for yourself in the relationship. You don't need to be single to enjoy all that life has to offer.

I left a long term relationship that started when I was young as I just felt a bit overwhelmed at spending the next 50 years with someone (which I knew we could easily do as we were so compatible). I left, we lived apart for a year, it was shit.

I was lucky that he waited for me to get it out my system, we've now been back together for many years, but you might not be so lucky. Tread carefully, it sounds like you already have something that some people spend a lifetime searching for.

Do you still fancy him OP? Do you still have sex?

Just wondering if you have “the ick”?

Goodness, your last post paints a very different picture of him. Suffering from anything mentally?! So if you are finding the relationship unfulfilling, looking after 2 dc, with a partner who doesn't take a break from work to speak to you for several days, then it must be your fault??

Do try counselling, but I would suggest that you try it alone first. Counselling is not what you imagine. It's a safe space, to talk about your feelings, with someone who is not there to judge, but who will help you sort out what it is that you are feeling and why. Then you can decide what you want to do about it.

After your last post, for example, a counsellor might say: it sounds really frustrating that you go for so long without your partner speaking to you. Do you find you are having your needs met in this relationship? (Have you fallen into a pattern as a couple of working/looking after the kids/sleeping and forgetting that there can be more to life than this?)

@JinglingHellsBells

Possibly, when we moved to London from the East of England five years ago, we settled in North London as it was closer to where I worked. One day I was talking to our neighbour where I stupidly gave my life story out. A few days later I went to introduce myself to the family across the road where this woman was very snooty towards me, asked if I was going to infect the street with my ‘people’s’ bad behaviour and gang crime. I was mortified and we hadn’t even moved to a ‘posh area’ of North London. Not to mention that every London area and every area in the UK has some sort of issue going on with it; we weren’t certainly the only family who weren’t exactly rich in wealth growing up in the area and may have lived on a housing estate; there’s even several near me for gods sake!

I guess part of me worries a lot about my background, I’m the only member in my team who didn’t get to experience such wonderful trips to Tanzania or get their first job in the family business. I even tell DP if we made a mistake moving when we could have had a secure life where we used to be, with nice folk.

Anyway back to the issue at hand. I just think we’ve stayed on the same level. We weren’t due to have a big wedding but we omitted holidays and days out to save money in the last two years. In the same time; work increased so there was less of a focus to enjoy life as a family and just save. In my circle of friends this isn’t always uncommon but it’s gone on for a while. That’s why I’ve worried that if we marry, it’ll just be an excuse for us to remain together when we only remain indoors. That’s what bores me, is that he’s become very work focused. Like he fears we will go without money. Aside from that he’s a good father, he will play with the kids in the garden even if we do not go out and starts work a bit later to homeschool the kids. Our sex life could be better as we haven’t done it since the lockdown, I feel like we both find that department weird now since things have changed in the UK, like it’s a second thought.

I would definitely put the marriage on hold for the time being as it will just cement your feelings of being trapped.

I think you need to try to convey to your husband just how important it is to you to feel like you are really experiencing and living life rather than focussing narrowly on careers and saving. It sounds like you want to get out there and do things - go on holidays, days away and maybe he just doesn't appreciate how big a deal-breaker this might be for you.

Both are important areas of life - after all you can not easily enjoy the holidays and experiences without a bit of career stability and responsibility with money. But it sounds like the career and financial responsibility has become an end in itself rather than the means to achieve an experience-rich and rewarding life.

He may be guilty of hearing you say things but not really taking them in and you might really need to work on conveying how serious you are on this point - that you feel there is more to life. He may be able to fully embrace that with you so your joint lifestyle changes, or it may be a case of him being unable to do that personally but willing to support you as you reach out for new experiences with friends, family, your children etc. If he can not contemplate either, it may be that the relationship might not have a future. But it sounds like there is a lot else going for it, so I would definitely try first.

I would be a little careful how you have this conversation so as not to overwhelm him - he may read into it immediately that you want to separate and become panicked, so I would try to reassure him about what you love about him and the relationship, but also about what you need in the future to feel fulfilled.

That’s why I’ve worried that if we marry, it’ll just be an excuse for us to remain together when we only remain indoors

Sorry but you've lost me here. I don't understand what you mean.

You keep mentioning social status and work pressures, but what do you really feel about this man?

Do you have fun together?

Does he excite you intellectually?

Do you enjoy being with him?

If you were abandoned on a desert island with him and your kids, would that feel good?

I can't really understand what is not right for you and that is why you need counselling to dig deeper.

All couples get distracted with work and kids, and the gloss wears off, but that doesn't mean they split up.

There have to be some stronger feelings going on to make you consider leaving him and being a single parent with two young kids.

Either you don't know what's wrong and what you want or you aren't explaining it well here.

So it still sounds like you're bored, but there are other things at play too. He's working more, you're barely seeing him, you're feeling second place in his life and perhaps you're worried that he's got more in his life than you do?

If you don't like where you're living, plan to move somewhere else - if you can go back to your original home town and still get good jobs there, then do that - at least you'll have friends and family there too?

I think you're down, depressed, feeling unloved and that's got more to do with it than anything else. I also think you need to accept that this lockdown is having pretty strong stressful effects on lots of people (not just you) and that this is definitely NOT the time to be thinking about major changes.

How about you write a list of all the pros and cons of staying with him - and then do another one for all the pros and cons of leaving him. See what the balance is.

I get what you mean. You feel that if you had married you would be stuck as you are now, not going outdoors, sharing very little together other than the children.

Hellsbells speaks a lot of sense. You can do the two lists, as Thumbwitches suggests, or you could do a different list: what life is like now vs what it could be like. You might discover in the long run that you have things on the second list that you could do with your partner if you can peel him away from his computer

Lockdown is hugely difficult for us all, but it is also a good thinking space/chance to plan what you want in life, and to learn about yourself. Don't rush into anything, but do keep thinking - and posting on MN. There are some wise old folk on here to bounce ideas off.

Best of luck.

You just sound bored and probably think the grass is greener. I can tell you now that meeting someone in your thirties when you've got two kids already is very difficult even if you're gorgeous, clever, funny...You're not an attractive prospect to most men with no kids and blending families with someone who already has kids is very hard.

Ok, I'm your Fairy Godmother. I wave my magic wand and with starry twinkles and the sound of a harp, lockdown disappears and a nice house appears in the nicest part of where you come from, with easy access to a nice job for both of you and a great school has spaces for your children.

Do you say 'Let's go!' or do you say 'Well, actually, you go, I'd rather stay here with the kids'?

If it's the former, then it's the situation you are currently in that's the problem, not the person you are with.

You sound disgruntled with life. Perhaps london isn't the place for you both. You dont need to get married. My friend married her childhood sweetheart when she was in her 50s as the thought of getting married before that filled her with dread. It wasnt him, just getting married and feeling tied down psychology even though she lived with him and had a couple of kids.