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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to STFU?

92 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:03

Bloke and me dont live together, have no shared finances, both work (well I am furloughed but getting 80%).

Two issues sort of conflated into one at the weekend and its been bugging me.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last two years. A combination of the divorce diet and working 12 hour days on my feet all the time. I dont have much of an appetite so I generally only eat once a day and make sure that that one meal is healthy. I dont deny myself treats if I want them but I tend to go for savoury stuff rather than sweet, so a bag of crisps rather than cake or chocolate. I am 5' 6" and a size 10 but not a skinny 10 at all, I could easily lose more weight without looking skinny, I dont want to but I am just trying to show that I am not unhealthily thin. I do however look vastly different to before when I was verging on a size 20, and he knew me then. So now he is obsessed with my eating. Have I eaten? What? When? blah blah, he messaging at least twice a day about it. When I am round there (not atm obvs, pre apocalypse) he keeps offering me food. He isnt fat or particularly health obsessed either, just normal. But he says he is worried I will end up with an eating disorder.

Then last week I ordered myself something I needed. It was an item of clothing but something I needed as the previous one had literally fallen apart. I spent £150 on it because a) it is the best quality of this item I could afford and b) it was really pretty Blush

He was shocked I would spend so much on it and kept going on about it.

In the end I lost my rag (not shouty, just in a FFS!!!!! way) and said "Look, its my money, I earned it, I can afford it, I am not spending money on anything other than bills and food at the moment so I can justify it. Mind your own business...... AND!!!" I admit to a little rant here "While I'm thinking about it, my food intake is none of your business either! I eat well, I have maintained my weight since before Xmas so I havent lost anymore, I am fine and healthy and my BMI is 23, so normal."

He then started saying he was worried I would get anorexia and run out of money at which point I said "If I do then I promise you will be the first to know so until that day just shut the fuck up about it, PLEASE!!!"

We are ok, we didnt fall out, and he hasnt mentioned it since but I know he thinks IABU to not get that he is worried and therefore his constant mentioning of it is because he cares. It was driving me fucking potty!

WIBU?!

OP posts:
ConstanceDoodleton · 22/04/2020 23:07

He would have to go. Sounds like he wants you fat again.

Sparklesocks · 22/04/2020 23:09

In all honesty they sound live dealbreakers for me. It’s none of his business what you do or don’t eat, and clearly you have incompatibility issues with money (not that it’s his business when you don’t live together or share finances). It’s one thing being concerned about your partner and looking out for them, but it’s another thing to essentially believe they can’t make their own choices and intervene without them asking. I would struggle to stay happy in this set up.

Leaannb · 22/04/2020 23:10

He sounds controlling af

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:10

I asked him that! He said he wouldnt mind if I did put weight on but admitted he prefers how I look now. I think its the one meal a day thing he cant get his head around. He eats three meals a day and does get a bit grumpy when he is hungry, so makes sure he times them right. The idea that I can go 24 hours without eating fries his brain!

FWIW, I dont do this anymore, but it was a regular feature of the months after my traumatic split from abusive exH.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:11

The money.....I think its shock at amount because he isnt really into spending a lot on clothes. But he would spend 5 times that on tech, which I dont get but I wouldnt mention it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:15

I did give him the Vimes Boots Theory of Socio Economic Unfairness, which to be fair to him he got and conceded that my £150 purchase would probably work out cheaper long term than buying several cheap items over the next 10 years. He just couldnt get his head around spending that much on one item I think.

OP posts:
mrwalkensir · 22/04/2020 23:17

if you've halved in size since he first met you, he may genuinely worry about your weight loss (which is impressive). Wouldn't assume that it's abusive...

peppermintcapsules · 22/04/2020 23:20

He would no longer be my boyfriend. I couldn't be dealing with anyone who made comments about what I eat, my weight, or how I spent money I earned. Fuck that.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:20

Yeah, everyone has said how different I look and quite a few have said that they were worried I was losing too much. Now I have stabilised I think it will be my new "normal". I was that big for about 8 years since I had DD so it is a big change.

OP posts:
Theweasleytwins · 22/04/2020 23:21

Love the Comes boot theory ❤️

Letseatgrandma · 22/04/2020 23:23

Do you only eat once a day most days?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:24

He is a bit of a Vimes tbh.....back street kid done good. So having money that can be spent without guilt is a tough one for him. Same with food I think, simple food, three times a day has been drilled into him since birth.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 22/04/2020 23:24

Do you think you may have an eating disorder? I have to say that your OP had too much eating detail in it for me to feel that this is something that you are truly at peace with. It isn't BMI that defines normal when it comes to EDs.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:24

Yes @Letseatgrandma

Rarely twice, but very rarely.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 22/04/2020 23:25

You didn't overreact.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:27

@Haffiana

Point taken!

However I think its because I am so bloody defensive now. At one point, when the weight was dropping off (I lost 3 stone in 3 months) I had a lot of people commenting on it. As it was, my ex had tried to murder me, effectively taken our DD hostage (he was holed up in the bathroom with her refusing to let her out) and had to be removed by the police. It was horrific. I was too traumatised to eat at that point but no one seemed to understand so I spent a lot of time defending my eating habits. Now I find myself having to do it again!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 22/04/2020 23:28

You’ve said you “generally” eat one meal a day, then you seem to have backtracked and said that was during your traumatic split. Honestly, there does sound like a touch of denial there, about whether your eating is disordered. If I’m getting a slight sense of wariness about your eating, just from a few posts, I can see why a boyfriend might be concerned.

ConstanceDoodleton · 22/04/2020 23:32

More food police Hmm

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:34

I said I can go 24 hours without eating. So not even once a day. I dont do that now, I eat once a day even if I dont always want to.

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 22/04/2020 23:36

Bet he’s one of those awful men who wants you fat so that no-one else will want you. Trying to control your spending when you’re not sharing finances or financial obligations is outrageous. £150 on something like a coat or decent leather boots is hardly scandalous. Even if you wanted to spend £5k of your own money on a handbag, sure I’d think you mad, but it would have nothing to do with anyone else so long as your daughter isn’t going without. Sack him off.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:39

It was that kind of purchase @BeardieWeirdie

I have a friend with that nickname :o I met him when I started working with his wife and I kept forgetting his name when I was drunk (we worked in pub and would often stay after our shift and get a bit clattered!) so I called him that!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 22/04/2020 23:40

I think it's none of his business.

This is concerning though. You say you eat only once a day even when you don't want to. Are there days you don't want to eat at all?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:41

There are @Josette77 but thats because I have such a small appetite. I love food, and I really love cooking. I do think its a hangover from the trauma. I got this once before when I had DD2, I ended up with PTSD after a horrific birth trauma and it took a couple of years to get back to anything like normal.

OP posts:
Wattagoose90 · 22/04/2020 23:42

From the info you've shared, it comes across to me like he is just genuinely concerned. One meal a day isn't the norm for most people and he probably is struggling to understand that it's your normal.

The spending thing is annoying, but given the whole uncertainty of everything, maybe he's just being conscientious. Although I'd definitely tell him to sod off at that point!

All in all, he's coming across well in this story to me. Now that you've told him your stance though, hopefully he'll respect it.

JemimaPuddleCat · 23/04/2020 00:19

Bet he’s one of those awful men who wants you fat so that no-one else will want you.

Hey guess what.... Some men want fat women too! Not every man is after a MN Lettuce-sniffer Hmm