To ask him to STFU?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Bloke and me dont live together, have no shared finances, both work (well I am furloughed but getting 80%).

Two issues sort of conflated into one at the weekend and its been bugging me.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last two years. A combination of the divorce diet and working 12 hour days on my feet all the time. I dont have much of an appetite so I generally only eat once a day and make sure that that one meal is healthy. I dont deny myself treats if I want them but I tend to go for savoury stuff rather than sweet, so a bag of crisps rather than cake or chocolate. I am 5' 6" and a size 10 but not a skinny 10 at all, I could easily lose more weight without looking skinny, I dont want to but I am just trying to show that I am not unhealthily thin. I do however look vastly different to before when I was verging on a size 20, and he knew me then. So now he is obsessed with my eating. Have I eaten? What? When? blah blah, he messaging at least twice a day about it. When I am round there (not atm obvs, pre apocalypse) he keeps offering me food. He isnt fat or particularly health obsessed either, just normal. But he says he is worried I will end up with an eating disorder.

Then last week I ordered myself something I needed. It was an item of clothing but something I needed as the previous one had literally fallen apart. I spent £150 on it because a) it is the best quality of this item I could afford and b) it was really pretty

He was shocked I would spend so much on it and kept going on about it.

In the end I lost my rag (not shouty, just in a FFS!!!!! way) and said "Look, its my money, I earned it, I can afford it, I am not spending money on anything other than bills and food at the moment so I can justify it. Mind your own business...... AND!!!" I admit to a little rant here "While I'm thinking about it, my food intake is none of your business either! I eat well, I have maintained my weight since before Xmas so I havent lost anymore, I am fine and healthy and my BMI is 23, so normal."

He then started saying he was worried I would get anorexia and run out of money at which point I said "If I do then I promise you will be the first to know so until that day just shut the fuck up about it, PLEASE!!!"

We are ok, we didnt fall out, and he hasnt mentioned it since but I know he thinks IABU to not get that he is worried and therefore his constant mentioning of it is because he cares. It was driving me fucking potty!

WIBU?!

I would be very worried if anyone I love went quickly from a size 20 to a size 10, and was only eating once a day.

I hate to play 'Mumsnet Bingo' but....is there any possiblility that he's on the ASD spectrum at all?

Before you shoot me down - he reminds me of my XP (who is on the spectrum). He has 'rules', one rule is that you HAVE to eat three meals a day. I'm like you, I often don't. But his rules are so fixed that even if he gets up at nine and eats breakfast at ten, he still has to have lunch at twelve, 'because that's lunchtime'.

He's the same about spending too. He wants to spend the least amount of money on something; when I met him all his sheets were that horrible nylon and all his clothes came from the local 'stock everything cheap' shop.

It all sounds familiar...

Your body learns to control hunger when you lose lots of weight. Your stomach capacity shrinks the less you eat the less you want.

This is also true of eating disorders.

I know people who eat once a day, their metabolism slowed down as they got older and they just don't feel that hungry very often. It's fine

I think he sounds genuinely concerned re food and meals etc. I don’t think he sounds controlling over that or that he wants you ‘fat’. I’m not going to comment on whether you have an eating disorder or not because how the hell would I know? However, you’re eating habits, laser like focus on food and small amounts of calories consumed alongside a very active lifestyle sounds like it has the potential to become an unhealthy relationship with food. Maybe keep an eye on that? I say this with concern and no malice by the way.

As for the money and purchases it sounds like a frank conversation about money and ownership over said money is maybe needed?

Him being concerned is one perspective, but if that were the case wouldn't he try to frame it that way rather than interrogating the OP on when/how much she has eaten?

I'm much the same @PyongyangKipperbang - I only feel hungry enough for one proper meal a day. I will snack otherwise, sometimes healthy sometimes not - I too prefer savoury foods. But some days I can go until fairly late on without actually feeling hungry. I know I don't have any eating disorders because I eat as and when I feel like it, I don't tend to worry about calories and the like and I balance it as best I can as I'm usually cooking the same for my twin DC's.

Being more active during the day with my twins and having lost a fair bit of weight as well over the past few years, I just seemed to lose the appetite I used to have. But my body feels better than it has in years, I'm conscious of taking care of myself for the first time in my life - but I still only eat one meal a day!

as an aside, I COMPLETELY subscribe to the Vimes Boots' theory

I already posted, but yy I think it's none of his business. My dp has a different eating pattern to me - he simply cannot miss a meal. It's a little bit challenging, but he doesn't try to get me to eat and certainly doesn't text me during the day to check up on me.

There's a lot of food detail in the OP for someone who's not that bothered about food.

As a society, we have a very poor relationship with food so eating disorders are often overlooked as the mental health problem with the highest mortality rate.

Whoever it was upthread who said you've put in something he's been unreasonable (the boots) to cover something he is reasonable about (your eating) is spot on.

I do not have an eating disorder!

I lost A LOT of weight in a short time as a direct result of trauma, someone trying to kill you will do that FYI.

As a result of that, my appetite plummeted and I am now quite happily living on one meal a day. Its a nice meal, I make the effort, I cook for the family anyway so why wouldnt I eat that meal? It got all over the place again at Xmas due to a massive fuck up at work meaning I worked 70 hours weeks for a few weeks and me (and my colleagues) were living on what we could grab when we could, we all ate badly then. But now I am back to normal.

I am happy and healthy and perfectly ok thatnk you.

But still I am having to defend myself, just on here now instead.

I think you were right to tackle him on this and I would've asked him how much he spent on his TV.

Your recent past with your ex sounds absolutely horrific. I'm glad you and your daughter got through that safely.

OP don’t feel you have to defend yourself, some people oh here just want a scrap. Lockdown isn’t helping. Tell them to eff off. Hang on I’ll tell them.

Eff off.

Are you ok (as possible) after the incident with your ex? Maybe DP is focusing on the food as it’s an easier way of caring about you than talking about feelings?

You don’t need to defend yourself, everyone finds a way of eating that suits them.
We had someone to do a landscaping job for us years ago. I offered him a sandwich when I noticed that he’d gone past 2 o’clock without stopping for lunch. He declined and said he never did. He had a bowl of porridge at 7 then nothing until his dinner around 6.30. Said, doing a really physical job, that he felt sluggish if he ate in the middle of the day. He was mid-thirties, around 6 ft, slim but muscular and looked the picture of health.
I’m more concerned that though you don’t live together he is still aware of your day to day minutiae. I’m wondering how, if you’re observing social distancing and not mixing households?

So I dont have to defend my eating but I do have to defend how I communicate with him?

We whatsapp mainly, through the day about all sorts of crap. The fact that he did his lawn, the fact that I got around to clearing out the bathroom cupboard, he watched Tiger King in one sitting (yes, I judged) and that I ordered new boots. I havent seen him in weeks.

Ok?

FFS.......

Ok, sorry! Tad touchy. Just wondered how he knew the tiniest details if you don’t live together.

My (live in) husband wouldn’t have the faintest test idea how much I spend on what.

Sorry for any offence, none intended.

Sorry

I am being touchy I know. I just felt quite attacked on this thread tbh and then I did over react.

Apologies for being a mardy cow

Everyone gets mardy.
I eat light too. The 12 hour shift on your feet is very long to have one meal a day. Is it healthy like salad healthy or nutritious some pp's are genuinely concerned.
Eat little but often to maintain your weight, blood sugars 3 small meals.