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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to STFU?

92 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2020 23:03

Bloke and me dont live together, have no shared finances, both work (well I am furloughed but getting 80%).

Two issues sort of conflated into one at the weekend and its been bugging me.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last two years. A combination of the divorce diet and working 12 hour days on my feet all the time. I dont have much of an appetite so I generally only eat once a day and make sure that that one meal is healthy. I dont deny myself treats if I want them but I tend to go for savoury stuff rather than sweet, so a bag of crisps rather than cake or chocolate. I am 5' 6" and a size 10 but not a skinny 10 at all, I could easily lose more weight without looking skinny, I dont want to but I am just trying to show that I am not unhealthily thin. I do however look vastly different to before when I was verging on a size 20, and he knew me then. So now he is obsessed with my eating. Have I eaten? What? When? blah blah, he messaging at least twice a day about it. When I am round there (not atm obvs, pre apocalypse) he keeps offering me food. He isnt fat or particularly health obsessed either, just normal. But he says he is worried I will end up with an eating disorder.

Then last week I ordered myself something I needed. It was an item of clothing but something I needed as the previous one had literally fallen apart. I spent £150 on it because a) it is the best quality of this item I could afford and b) it was really pretty Blush

He was shocked I would spend so much on it and kept going on about it.

In the end I lost my rag (not shouty, just in a FFS!!!!! way) and said "Look, its my money, I earned it, I can afford it, I am not spending money on anything other than bills and food at the moment so I can justify it. Mind your own business...... AND!!!" I admit to a little rant here "While I'm thinking about it, my food intake is none of your business either! I eat well, I have maintained my weight since before Xmas so I havent lost anymore, I am fine and healthy and my BMI is 23, so normal."

He then started saying he was worried I would get anorexia and run out of money at which point I said "If I do then I promise you will be the first to know so until that day just shut the fuck up about it, PLEASE!!!"

We are ok, we didnt fall out, and he hasnt mentioned it since but I know he thinks IABU to not get that he is worried and therefore his constant mentioning of it is because he cares. It was driving me fucking potty!

WIBU?!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 23/04/2020 00:37

£150 would be nothing I’d you were, for example, buying new riding boots. I’d expect to spend double that on decent boots like Dubarrys.

My big concern is that you told him-why, how is it his business when you don’t live together and his reaction. It does sound like he’d rather you were still fat.

KilljoysDutch · 23/04/2020 00:47

I Don't think he's wrong to be concerned about your eating to be honest it doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship with food at all and him wanting to make sure you don't forget to eat when you admit that you can easily go 24 hours without food is that much of an issue.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2020 00:48

It could be an element of worry, my Dsis went from a size 20 to a 10 it was crazy we all worried. She is still size10 5 years later and looks great.
It is a big shock to see such a big change. I will say her DH was always annoying, he has become a jealous controlling dick conveniently over 5 years.
She lost the weight and most of her confidence, he thinks she is cheating she doesn't leave the house to keep his mind settled. I'm hoping she leaves him after lockdown. Angry

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2020 00:55

He just couldnt get his head around spending that much on one item I think From this I suspects her is jealous you're in a good place if you like yourself enough to splash all that cash on yourself. How dare you think so much of yourself. If you've been through a divorce is this his pettiness worth it.

Downunderduchess · 23/04/2020 01:08

I agree with everything @Wattagoose90 said. I think it was coming from a good place & I would see it as concern not control.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2020 01:27

He's not jealous, he just isnt into clothes at all, they are very much functional for him so the idea of spending £150 on a pair of boots when you can get ones that look the same for £25 doesnt compute to him. But then I dont get why anyone would spend £1000 on a TV when it shows the shame shite as a £200 one, but he would.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2020 01:37

@Cherrysoup

It was just one of those "Whatcha doin'?" message convos. I said I was ordering my new boots and sent him a screenshot of the ones I had chosen. No different to him sending me a pic of the lawn he had just mown. Dull but it passes the time in lockdown!

OP posts:
TakeMeToTheDarkSideOfTheMoon · 23/04/2020 02:04

Based on the information given, he just genuinely seems concerned even if it isn't his business. I think some are taking bit of a leap saying he's abusive and controlling.

LouiseCollina · 23/04/2020 02:15

If you’re 5.6 with a BMI of 23 then you’re a curvy size 10 and not underweight at all. Ignore what anyone has to say about your eating habits. You’re not anorexic and don’t owe explanations to anyone.

Hidingtonothing · 23/04/2020 02:25

It all rests on what happens next for me OP, you've drawn your boundaries really clearly now so let's see if he respects them. You said it didn't end in a row and hasn't been mentioned since so that's a good start I think, you can afford to just watch and wait now to see whether it creeps back in. Seeing whether he respects your boundaries seems like a bit of a litmus test in this case to me, if he doesn't then I think you have your answer as to whether he's concerned or controlling. I won't comment on whether your eating is disordered, that's outside my area of knowledge but I can identify with the kind of trauma you experienced and I'm really sorry that happened to you Flowers

TheSerenDipitY · 23/04/2020 02:37

i think you might have an eating disorder
i forget to eat
my Dr tells me that is an eating disorder,
i have an eating disorder
i forget to eat, or get busy and think ill eat later and then i forget
it is an eating disorder
think about you eating habits....

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2020 02:41

Thank you @Hidingtonothing, I appreciate that and I'm sorry you've experienced similar Flowers

I agree that its whether it stays this way. I think he will always be the sort to boggle at me spending a lot on one item of clothing but then I would boggle at him spending a fortune on a weekend away to see football. Its important, apparently........ when all I can see is that you have literally nothing to show for it! But its as you say, will he respect the boundaries by not passing comment, as I dont when he goes away. I hope so.

OP posts:
Dita73 · 23/04/2020 04:57

Well done for losing so much. How do you feel about your weight? I think as long as you’re happy then you’re quite right to be fed up with the comments. It sounds like he’s feeling a bit insecure.
I don’t think you have an eating disorder but if your weight becomes all you can think about or if you’re obsessive about losing more then it could be a worry.
As for spending money on clothes you like,spend as much as you want! The amount you said isn’t much at all not that that’s the point. It’s no one else’s business and if you want to spend thousands then go for it! It’s your business

Sparklfairy · 23/04/2020 05:25

I don't think accusing the OP of having an eating disorder because she's 'defensive' about her eating is very fair. Of course she's defensive right now, that's why she's posting; he put her on the defence! None of us can say whether her one meal a day is ok, and in any case, she's an adult and the point of the post was that she felt judged and others felt like they could push their opinions on her about food!

Re the spending (and the food for that matter) OP. I think mostly it comes from a place of concern, but I also think he has way overstepped the mark. No different imo to someone judging another's parenting and going as far as to insist on a different way of doing things! Some men people feel entitled to tell you how to do things 'properly' in their view. Winds me right up.

Nebble · 23/04/2020 05:53

If he’s like this now and you don’t even live together or share finances etc, I think what I’d worry about is if in the future you move in together and pool finances, he’d maybe become controlling over you\diet and what you spend , feeling he has the right, maybe Hmm

Grandmi · 23/04/2020 06:00

I think he sounds genuinely concerned about your weight/ rapid weight loss!!

BlueJava · 23/04/2020 06:28

I think he sounds very controlling - what you eat is your business and what you spend is also up to you. You don't even live together yet so this would be a red flag for me. Is he worth it in other ways?

I see PP are querying whether you do have an eating disorder and obviously no one on MN is going to be certain about that from your post. But even if you do, the situation is not going to be improved by him going on and on about it!

browzingss · 23/04/2020 06:53

The £150 purchase is fine. I’m a short size 6 (so healthy/in proportion to my height) and as a result I don’t have many daily calories to play around with, or I’d gain weight. However even I think that regularly having just 1 meal a day, regardless how healthy, is concerning!

Health isn’t just about weight or how many greens you eat, eg think about what effect on your metabolism 1 meal a day will have. He does somewhat have a point, you’re not starving yourself but it’s still a bad habit. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have an eating disorder and he’s not right to keep pushing you on this though.

Before lockdown I was working ridiculous hours and would skip breakfast a lot, sometimes I’d come home and be too tired to cook etc. Again it’s a bad habit and I can sympathise with being too busy to eat etc. Perhaps start meal planning? Regularly eating smaller meals across the day vs one large meal will really help you. In time you’ll notice that you probably have more energy and generally feel better.

You’re right that part of you not wanting to eat is due to the residual trauma from your past. Self love involves both self care and self discipline, so part of that is making sure you take the time to eat to look after yourself.

Adfghvg · 23/04/2020 06:59

Normally I would say what you eat is none of his business. But forgetting to eat and having to force yourself to eat is not normal or healthy. I think he is deeply concerned about you.

None of his business what you spend your money on. You are right to sell him so. But I am wondering if because of your past relationship you are more defensive and sensitive to these comments. My dh might be surprised and say "you spent how much?" if I spent alot of money on something that he doesn't get. But knows it's my money, he isn't being controlling. Are you just dwelling on this making it worse than it actually was?

Your past relationship sounds awful. I may have missed it if you said. But have you had counselling?

Shoxfordian · 23/04/2020 07:12

I think he has the potential to be controlling here. He's not treating you like an adult who can decide what she eats and what she buys, more like a child needing guidance. Bit of a red flag for me

bumblingbovine49 · 23/04/2020 07:19

I don't think he wants you fat. Have you ever asked him to.stop going on about your weight in an open and calm conversation before losing your temper about it. If yes.and he carried in then he may be a bit controlling , if not as he has actually done what you ask I'd try and understand why you had let yourself get to point where you exploded at him about it before thinking about binning him.

Another thing that so accutd to me f he has never been fat, he is probably unaware of the science that shows you have lost loads of weight you need to eat around 20% less than someone who has never been fat to.maintain that weight loss. They think that might be a permanent change though they are not sure .it is not likely to do you harm to eat less as long as what you do eat is very nutritious.

IGuessMeToo · 23/04/2020 07:21

YANBU just for citing the Vimes Boots Theory, but YADNBU anyway. He sounds very controlling.

TwilightPeace · 23/04/2020 07:22

working 12 hour days on my feet all the time. I dont have much of an appetite

Sorry, that doesn’t make sense to me. Surely after being on your feet for 12 hours you would have more of an appetite, not less?
And you can go 24 hours without eating?

I would be a bit concerned too. Your relationship with food doesn’t sound healthy to me. Nothing to do with what you weigh or what you look like.

YouJustDoYou · 23/04/2020 07:23

I've known some guys want their gfs to put weight back on because they don't want other guys lusting after the skinnier version Hmm

Firsttimelottie · 23/04/2020 07:27

Tbh, his concern over your eating I do understand. It doesn't mean he wants you to put on weight. Just that generally, eating only one meal a day, ESPECIALLY when you're on your feel a lot, isn't very much.

I would be concerned too if my DP went from obese to only having one meal. I would be worried that he wasn't consuming enough nutrients. That although he was managing now it may eventually catch up with him and make him unwell.

That being said, you know your body and you're happy that way. You've told him to shut up about it now so he probably will.