To ask him to STFU?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Bloke and me dont live together, have no shared finances, both work (well I am furloughed but getting 80%).

Two issues sort of conflated into one at the weekend and its been bugging me.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last two years. A combination of the divorce diet and working 12 hour days on my feet all the time. I dont have much of an appetite so I generally only eat once a day and make sure that that one meal is healthy. I dont deny myself treats if I want them but I tend to go for savoury stuff rather than sweet, so a bag of crisps rather than cake or chocolate. I am 5' 6" and a size 10 but not a skinny 10 at all, I could easily lose more weight without looking skinny, I dont want to but I am just trying to show that I am not unhealthily thin. I do however look vastly different to before when I was verging on a size 20, and he knew me then. So now he is obsessed with my eating. Have I eaten? What? When? blah blah, he messaging at least twice a day about it. When I am round there (not atm obvs, pre apocalypse) he keeps offering me food. He isnt fat or particularly health obsessed either, just normal. But he says he is worried I will end up with an eating disorder.

Then last week I ordered myself something I needed. It was an item of clothing but something I needed as the previous one had literally fallen apart. I spent £150 on it because a) it is the best quality of this item I could afford and b) it was really pretty

He was shocked I would spend so much on it and kept going on about it.

In the end I lost my rag (not shouty, just in a FFS!!!!! way) and said "Look, its my money, I earned it, I can afford it, I am not spending money on anything other than bills and food at the moment so I can justify it. Mind your own business...... AND!!!" I admit to a little rant here "While I'm thinking about it, my food intake is none of your business either! I eat well, I have maintained my weight since before Xmas so I havent lost anymore, I am fine and healthy and my BMI is 23, so normal."

He then started saying he was worried I would get anorexia and run out of money at which point I said "If I do then I promise you will be the first to know so until that day just shut the fuck up about it, PLEASE!!!"

We are ok, we didnt fall out, and he hasnt mentioned it since but I know he thinks IABU to not get that he is worried and therefore his constant mentioning of it is because he cares. It was driving me fucking potty!

WIBU?!

Well done on the weight loss op. My ex was like this a bit in the money front. I'd spend £150 on a pair of boots, he couldn't get his head around it, but the following day spend £350 on motorcycle boots for himself. It was one of his many lovely traits

But if your dp has accepted the telling off and reels it in then all is good. It must be quite a shock to see someone go from a 20 to a 10, but only time will tell if he turns this into control or a genuine concern for you

I’m in two minds about this as well. Not the purchase but the food.

I don’t believe anyone forgets to eat for twenty four hours or regularly doesn’t wish to, I believe that’s a choice or an eating disorder. So I also wonder if he knows you may do this and is concerned, or if you restrict your intake to a level that is concerning.

The boots, unless you have other financial issues you’re not revealing, or have had, or even no savings and living hand to mouth, and he is aware of the issues, then it’s none of his business. Even if you do live to your limit though it’s still none of his business, unless you whinge to him you’re skint.

On the food though, I’m not sure. It doesn’t sound like you have a healthy relationship with food, and simply don’t believe anyone forgets to eat for a whole day, or doesn’t wish to, particularly not someone who was once a size twenty, so used to eating more.

Basically on balance, this could be he is controlling or you have an eating disorder and are spending money you can’t actually afford.

3 stone in 3months is a massive concern. It should take at least 6 months to take that off.

One meal a day is very unlikely to contain enough calories to sustain you. Unless its an extra large kebab. Which then isnt a healthy diet.

Restricted calories as a method of dealing with emotional trauma is a sign of disordered eating especially if you cant return to normal after.

Your bloke has genuine reason for concern

Please stop congratulating the OP on her weightloss.

This is not a healthy rate of weightloss.

It is not helping healthy eating habits or good mental health.

My ex was like this, had his eye on my spending and would criticise me for what I spent my money on whilst treating himself to anything he wanted. He turned out to be a controlling arsehole.

Re: your eating. I can eat just one meal a day too. I’m not that into food, apart from dinner when I eat a huge meal I just find breakfast & lunch a chore to be endured. I don’t eat sweet stuff and prefer savoury.

You did right telling him to shut up.

What is the vimes boots theory?

When I'm not in lockdown, I also forget to eat - I don't have an eating disorder, just a very busy life. But like you OP, I did initially lose weight in a very traumatic period of my life where I lost my appetite and was subsequently diagnosed with c-ptsd.

Anyway, this bloke sounds a bit controlling to me - it's none of his business what you spend your money on and he shouldn't be even mentioning it. The nagging me about food thing would just irritate me. he sounds more obsessed than you do. and it's really none of his business.

This would drive me mad and he’d be gone

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. It's really difficult worrying about someone you can't see/be with right now.

SO & I 'opted' to live apart for lockdown & I'm worried about him. His business has collapsed & is one that will be slow to build up again. Yes he'll get money in June/July & yes he's honest in his tax returns, but in the meantime he still has bills (business & home) that need paying. He has a health condition & his diet is important, but I know he's not eating well. I'm trying not to 'go on about it' but I am worried. We are very different money wise too 🤣I will buy the best value for money, whereas he'll buy the cheapest pretty much. He's 'getting better' 🤣.

I usually only eat once a day too - unfortunately I'm still a size 20 😢 I eat keto too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cut the guy some slack - if he lives you, he's allowed to worry about you surely?! Especially when he can't even see you or hug you to make sure you're ok!

My husband is a bit like yourself. Can easily do one meal a day or sometimes nothing at all. I do often ask if he's had breakfast/lunch and it's mostly because I know the answer will probably be no. After seeing responses here now I'm wondering if I'm being controlling? I get some people can skip breakfast but one meal a day just doesn't seem enough I don't think OP's OH wants her to be fat again he is probably just worried she isn't eating enough.

I think, as you said, he just doesn't "get" that not everyone eats three meals a day. I generally eat two (did Fast800, now 5-2) and plenty of people on there only eat one meal a day. Like a PP said though, I would be concerned about getting sufficient calories, and the right macros.

His mindset is only the same as some posters who can't understand that not everyone washes all their towels every day, or some
such thing! Ie, it's not their experience, so they don't understand it, ergo it's wrong 🤷‍♀️

Hang on, I'm same height as OP and a BMI of 23 is about 10st 7lbs. A healthy weight.

Let's flip this on it's head. If OP was her 'original' size she would be eating a lot - I know because I was there at the beginning of the year and weighed around 14 stone (clinically obese). Would it be right if her partner CONTINUALLY voiced his 'concern'. What have you eaten today, when did you eat, how much, I'm worried about you/your health, how much chocolate have you eaten, are you getting enough vitamins, I'm concerned you'll get diabetes, do you really need that packet of crisps, I'm worried about you etc. We'd all agree he was being unreasonable.

As previous poster has said, what happens next is important. He needs to back off.

Yes, one meal a day is unusual but there is a school of thought that thinks this is good for you for various reasons. Who knows. If the OP has maintained her weight over the last 4 months believe me she's getting enough to eat.

Congratulations on your new boots! None of his business.

I completely empathise OP. I think the key to whether he is well meaning or controlling lies in what he does next after you have clearly laid the boundary. If he continues to comment under a fake faux wide eyed " I'm just worried" tone then hes controlling. Get rid. If he listens and backs off then he meant well and got it wrong.

I'm sorry for what you went through. I experienced something very different but it led to weight loss . I had a stroke at 38 and it scared the life out of me. I went on to lose 8 stone . In my case I sometimes do eat one meal a day but I follow Keto and have done for over a year , so what people dont realise is that my one meal, has more calories than most peoples 5 meals a day. Usually they stop after I explain insulin spikes and the fact that I have a higher risk of diabetes due to PCOS.

However a couple of times people have commented on how "skinny" I look. However I dont I am a size 10 and I have a healthy BMI. It's simply that they are not used to seeing me at that weight.

Dp to be fair rarely if ever comments. He commented once at the start of covid because he was concerned if I got really ill I didn't have much leeway so to speak in my weight and could become underweight. I explained the science and he shut up and didn't comment further because he trusts me.

The same thing with purchases. Dp is very very much a person who grew up poor and I didnt but again he knows o would never ever put the family at risk by spending money we didnt have.

Ultimately i think as long as he listens and stops then fair enough. As long as you are an adult have capacity and can take responsibility for yourself the comments (even from some pp) are wrong and infantilising , however if he recognises that he has overstepped then no harm no foul.

OP you know what’s right for you both food wise and financially.

@Hazelnutlatteplease I lose weight if I’m upset. OP went through a massive trauma which triggered her weight loss.

@Coffeecak3 i get that. But 3 stone is three months is twice the recommended healthy weight loss. To achieve that you have to be eating less than 1000 cal a day. To sustain that for 3 months without gp support is not healthy.

If it was temporary it should be worrying.

But the OP talks about a diet that is still highly questionable.

She also talks about PND when she restricted her diet in response to that.

Theres a pattern. People who know her are worried. Strangers on the internet are being highly irresponsible for congratulating this weightloss.

Maybe I’m missing something. If you don’t live together, how does he know what you look like/spend atm anyway, unless you tell him?

In which case, don’t 🤷‍♀️

I'm not a nutritionist/dietician but one meal a day doesnt seem great in terms of sustained energy etc.

Advice always seems to be three smallish, balanced meals.

Aside from that he sounds naggy and irritating .. and he shouldn't be commenting on your purchases .. as you say tell spend way more on tech and presumably you're not commenting and expressing shock/disapproval, and you don't even share finances.

@hazelnutlatteplease I agree it’s not something to be congratulated about but so many women see weight loss as an aspiration.
I imagine the OP literally hardly ate for 3 months and her metabolism was temporarily raised. That’s what happens to me. 3 stone in 3 months is a lot though.

Some people eat like that. I often go 24 hours without eating. Dosent even cross my mind.

My friend is like him. Literally makes a meal out of every meal time. And it Needs to be on time or turns into a toddler, that thinks the world will end if I don't get it NOW. Where asican easily think oh I could eat something, meaning in the next couple of hours.

Honestly I think he's concerned about your eating and I would be too.

For all those posters saying he is controlling, if your adult daughter only ate one meal per day, sometimes having to force herself to do even that, would you be at all concerned?

About the money thing, due to his background, I can see why he might have a hang up about money. I don't see it as controlling though,he didn't try to stop you buying it.

The Vimes Boots Theory

www.goodreads.com/quotes/72745-the-reason-that-the-rich-were-so-rich-vimes-reasoned

I think whats also quite concerning is that youve taken the opportunity of him being unreasonable about something to raise complaint about something hes probably being reasonable about.

Which now if hes a decent guy means hes going to be reluctant to express sny concerns now for fear of being considered controlling

Well done for putting him firmly in his place.

Your boundaries sound good.

You were completely in the right.

It's absolutely none of his business what you spend your money on.

Also you sound as if your new food routine is working for you.

Again none of his business.

I think he sounds very controlling and I would be concerned that he feels its his right to lecture.

Watch very, very carefully how things are going forward.

You have told him clearly to back off.

I wouldn't have a good feeling about him but I would think just be hyper aware of the possibility that he is controlling.

Dump his ass if he is.

You sound very strong, particularly having suffered such a terrible trauma.
I hope your daughter is also doing well.

Talk about the Fat Controller!!!!

Prince Charming wants Cinderella back in her place, under his thumb. No new shoes for you, gal, women should be barefoot in the kitchen with a big fat belly.

Yanbu op, I have the same eating habits as you and still a healthy weight and actually a higher weight than I used to be. Personally I do think it is disordered eating for me but I am content. Anyway, your dp may be concerned but if he is hassling you over it when you are happy with it then he needs to back off. I can understand the 3stone in 3 months drop if you had a traumatic time. Maybe not healthy but it is a normal thing to happen if stressed.

Good that you have drawn your boundaries and like pp said it is worth seeing how he behaves going forward.

Your body learns to control hunger when you lose lots of weight. Your stomach capacity shrinks the less you eat the less you want.
I rarely get hungry. I'd have a lunch a dinner probably a snack. My Dsis use to binge constantly since she lost 4 stone she lost her big appetite and rarely suffers hunger her body knows she is not going to binge it adjusted gave up begging.
Hunger pangs do pass.