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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sit on the floor to eat dinner? Please be kind. Not a windup.

99 replies

clitterratti · 22/04/2020 22:05

I have been married 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS. I am trying my best not to drip feed.

Due to a stillbirth recently, my family and I are going through grief counselling (via FaceTime). The whole family, my kids (11 and 6 years of age), my husband and myself. It's counterproductive for me, but really helpful for the kids. Half the session is focused on the children, and the other half is focused on us. The kids go off and play within eyesight but far away enough where they can't hear anything.

I stopped eating at the table with the kids after it happened because the kids kick the table all through dinner. One of my children has ASD and honestly can't help it, we have OT exercises to help, but it's just a fact of life. My other child is just fidgety and I don't have the heart to tell her off as she is already anxious and the table is old and shitty anyway. The table being terrible quality is my fault. Because we sold our other broken but amazing dining table to someone who wanted to pay us a ridiculous amount of money for it, and at the time we were just thinking of throwing it away. The old table also shook and swayed, but didn't tremble. It's the jerky weird movement of the table I cannot stand.

*it's also important to note (to be fair to dh) that normally, we discuss things that need doing and he usually is happy to go with whatever I decide. Almost always.

In my culture, dinner at the table with the family on weeknights is compulsory (for dependents). The same does not go for my husbands family, but after 14 years everyone is used to it. I just can't do it if the table moves. I just CANNOT do it anymore. I'll cook, no problem...but I just cannot eat at that table. It makes me seasick and I don't even get seasick in boats. I want to sit on the floor to eat dinner but no one else wants to. My DC who has ASD would need a new routine set up to get him used to sitting on the floor for dinner and then if we ever got another table, would need to transition to sitting at a table again. And he would end up wanting to always sit on the floor to eat from then. I know this, because we went on a picnic once.

During our grown-up part of the therapy session my husband talked about how I don't have dinner with the family. I explained that the one time I found a table that was affordable and we had the opportunity to get, was literally the one time he said 'no' to something. I didn't argue, it was a table and not worth fighting about.

AIBU to ask the family to stay at the table and eat, and I'll just eat sitting next to them on the floor, or I can eat standing up at the kitchen counter?

As far as a new table: I can't find one that I know for sure that will not shake/sway/tremble. It's safe, it won't fall on the kids---and there are bigger problems in this world (I know).

Also: yes, we have tried to fix the tables. We have tried to wedge things underneath, tightened the bolts have had friends around who also find the table annoying.

With all the things going on right now, the c-section and the other c-word what am I supposed to do?

Also, do you have a table you could recommend that doesn't move? I am desperate and it really is causing me quite a lot of sadness and I am not exaggerating.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 22/04/2020 22:11

I’m so sorry about your baby. Could you all sit on the floor?
Burn the bloody table.

Malvinaa81 · 22/04/2020 22:11

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DollyPartons · 22/04/2020 22:12

I'm just sorry that you're having such a sad time right now. Sorry for suggesting if I'm wrong but would it be that the overall problem is your loneliness in all of this? Perhaps if you can suggest to your partner that you feel alone and would love a friend, ie him, to problem solve. It's not about fixing all of the time to perfection but by bring in a team, not alone. X

sorryiasked · 22/04/2020 22:13

To try and offer a constructive suggestion: it's it possible to give the kits something else to kick? Sofa cushion or something?

And I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

BluebellSurprise · 22/04/2020 22:14

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Things found really hard at the moment.

No advice but sending a hug Thanks

LouiseTrees · 22/04/2020 22:14

While you are waiting for a table make sure you still eat, facing them, in the same room. Even if you have to stand up and eat. That way your husband can’t say anything about you not being engaged in family mealtimes. Or could you not sit down near the table (but not at it) and eat from your lap (possibly using a TV tray which you can probably buy at a large supermarket). Definitely better options than sitting on the floor. Didn’t want to lead with this, wanted to give suggestions on how to help, but it sounds like you have some sensory issues the movement and sound yourself or is it just stress?

noavailablename · 22/04/2020 22:15

You need a new, sturdy table.
Remove the shoes of any child who kicks the table.
You can surely get something not too expensive, given that you got money for the one you sold.
I am so sorry for your loss.
When you are traumatised and grieving, every small thing matters.
Flowers

LouiseTrees · 22/04/2020 22:16

Also re above when I say sit near the table, I mean in the chairs that come with it.

Sorocknroll · 22/04/2020 22:16

A solid oak table wont sway.

I bought a big solid oak table from someone on gumtree. It extends to sit 8 people and came with 6 solid heavy chairs. Cost me £150. That thing does not move.

Is the table on the flat... ie not a tiled floor cause I have found with furniture if its balancing over the grouted area between tiles it will rock.

In sorry you are going through a rough time. Can you perhaps eat on a tray by the table or find another surface like a kallax unit which is solid but can act as a mini table until you get the dining table sorted?

noavailablename · 22/04/2020 22:17

Malvinaa81
If you can't be bothered to read, you really shouldn't comment.
The OP has lost her child FGS.
Nasty.

Dinosforall · 22/04/2020 22:17

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LaneBoy · 22/04/2020 22:18

Could you get a much lower table and eat at that but sitting on the floor Japanese style?

Heronwatcher · 22/04/2020 22:18

I’m very sorry to hear about your baby. This doesn’t sound as though it is about the table. I think you might need some grief counselling on your own or with your partner, not the kids to talk this through. In the meantime would it be worth having dinner without the kids a few times a week with just your partner to see how that goes. All other times eat wherever you want!

Weregoingonanadventure · 22/04/2020 22:19

It's a table. What are you worrying about a table falling on the kids for? Have you ever known a new, correctly put together, table to fall over on top of your kids.

Seriously. Argos are still soung deliveries. Order a table. Its really not something to get so worked up over. Just get a table.

You're obviously going through a process of grief, and maybe you're making this table thing a massive issue because you're avoiding other things you dont want to deal with?

Just buy a table.

Mummyshark2018 · 22/04/2020 22:20

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just a thought- How you describe being at the table reminds me of how other people who have been anxious have reacted in certain situations- like a woozy head, sea sicky feeling. Do you recognise yourself as being anxious?

SharonasCorona · 22/04/2020 22:21

So sorry about your baby OP Sad

Why are you sitting on the floor? Could you eat on the sofa, with a lap tray or TV table tray?

Is there space to add a small one person table near to but not touching the dining table so that you don't get kicked?

LaneBoy · 22/04/2020 22:21

(As in, it may discourage kicking. Bit of a risk though I know)

Sympathies as we have to choose furniture carefully due to my DS - he never means to but his fidgeting and stimming and lack of spatial awareness means household objects can suffer

We ended up swapping chairs with a relative and really regretted it - ours were old but solid and the ones we got in return are falling apart already just from him wriggling when he can’t focus

Thanks
MagnoliaJustice · 22/04/2020 22:21

You've got a lot going on, with very raw grief, physical recovery from surgery, coping with lockdown with children, and the table seems like the last straw. My heart goes out to you.

Get rid of the damn table, chop it up and have a bonfire. sod the neighbours

Get some cheap and cheerful lap trays, one each, and have cosy meals on the sofa.

Carry on with the bereavement counselling, and when the grief is more manageable, look for good sturdy dining table.

whistleinthewind · 22/04/2020 22:22

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FreezerBird · 22/04/2020 22:22

I'm sorry for your loss.

Obviously you know your kids best and whether this would work, but do you have a low coffee table at all? That you could all sit round, but sitting on the floor. No kicking possible, but you're still sitting together, and at a table. We eat like this sometimes and it feels sort of more 'formal' that just eating off laps.

SharonasCorona · 22/04/2020 22:22

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Isadora2007 · 22/04/2020 22:23

@clitterratti I’m so sorry for your loss. And am I right in thinking you have had a c section too- so major surgery?
I’m Wondering in what way you find the counselling “counterproductive” as that says your counselling is making your pain worse and not better, to me...
I’m unsure as to whether you want the dinners to continue round the table for the others- you say its your background that places importance on it and not your husbands. So could you move to TV dinners for a while? Or if you want to remain round the table with you at the counter could you get a high stool like at a breakfast bar and say you are more comfortable there for the tine being. I dont think sitting on the floor is okay, sorry- not with everyone else at the table. But a solid oak table could be an idea/ or Next Directory have a lovely solid one with kind of an X frame legs which can’t be kicked... will look for a link.

Best wishes to you. Be kind to yourself and your family.

Dieu · 22/04/2020 22:25

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks And I get that the table situation is annoying. But really, you are making too much of a big deal out of it.
Is your marriage a happy one otherwise? I'm thinking that you might be using the table as a way to mask other issues, if that makes sense.

tolerable · 22/04/2020 22:25

i am so sorry for your loss. i utterly understand that the table is easier to focus on and deal or no deal withif ive read it wrong/or not...look gumtree,freecyle,adverise in wanted section.......sweetheart.youre all trying to live with something utterly heartbreaking,with as much understanding as something unfathomable allows.
be kind to yourself.
the kids are little enough they class as resiliant..even with what they do know and how they feel
your dh is clearly involved enough hes a great big part of it
that said.i fully understand how you feel,why the table matters,and what youre silently holding on too.actually fully understands bollocks..i have an inklings probli near as it gets.
lots of love to yall. xxxxxx

minipie · 22/04/2020 22:25

Have you tried resistance bands around the DC chair legs? I have recently done this for our two dc (one sn ) and it has really helped reduce the amount of kicking and fidgeting and moving at mealtimes.

Apologies if you have already tried this.

I think there’s a bigger underlying problem though.

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