to sit on the floor to eat dinner? Please be kind. Not a windup.

[clitterratti]

I have been married 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS. I am trying my best not to drip feed.

Due to a stillbirth recently, my family and I are going through grief counselling (via FaceTime). The whole family, my kids (11 and 6 years of age), my husband and myself. It's counterproductive for me, but really helpful for the kids. Half the session is focused on the children, and the other half is focused on us. The kids go off and play within eyesight but far away enough where they can't hear anything.

I stopped eating at the table with the kids after it happened because the kids kick the table all through dinner. One of my children has ASD and honestly can't help it, we have OT exercises to help, but it's just a fact of life. My other child is just fidgety and I don't have the heart to tell her off as she is already anxious and the table is old and shitty anyway. The table being terrible quality is my fault. Because we sold our other broken but amazing dining table to someone who wanted to pay us a ridiculous amount of money for it, and at the time we were just thinking of throwing it away. The old table also shook and swayed, but didn't tremble. It's the jerky weird movement of the table I cannot stand.

*it's also important to note (to be fair to dh) that normally, we discuss things that need doing and he usually is happy to go with whatever I decide. Almost always.

In my culture, dinner at the table with the family on weeknights is compulsory (for dependents). The same does not go for my husbands family, but after 14 years everyone is used to it. I just can't do it if the table moves. I just CANNOT do it anymore. I'll cook, no problem...but I just cannot eat at that table. It makes me seasick and I don't even get seasick in boats. I want to sit on the floor to eat dinner but no one else wants to. My DC who has ASD would need a new routine set up to get him used to sitting on the floor for dinner and then if we ever got another table, would need to transition to sitting at a table again. And he would end up wanting to always sit on the floor to eat from then. I know this, because we went on a picnic once.

During our grown-up part of the therapy session my husband talked about how I don't have dinner with the family. I explained that the one time I found a table that was affordable and we had the opportunity to get, was literally the one time he said 'no' to something. I didn't argue, it was a table and not worth fighting about.

AIBU to ask the family to stay at the table and eat, and I'll just eat sitting next to them on the floor, or I can eat standing up at the kitchen counter?

As far as a new table: I can't find one that I know for sure that will not shake/sway/tremble. It's safe, it won't fall on the kids---and there are bigger problems in this world (I know).

Also: yes, we have tried to fix the tables. We have tried to wedge things underneath, tightened the bolts have had friends around who also find the table annoying.

With all the things going on right now, the c-section and the other c-word what am I supposed to do?

Also, do you have a table you could recommend that doesn't move? I am desperate and it really is causing me quite a lot of sadness and I am not exaggerating.

Like everyone, I think you should get a new table. Ikea deliver. Also, with the kickers, not only take their shoes off but add a pair of those nice fluffy soft bed socks - it might muffle the kicks a bit. YANBU at all, not one little bit, for not wanting your food ruined. In the interim, if Ikea are taking a while, what about one of those lap-desks designed for laptops, that goes across the arm of one of the chairs, so you can sit at the table but still have your dinner not be on the table?

Poor OP. Everyone else's needs first. You matter!

Where are you based my darling. We can help you get a table if you’re close x I’m sorry for all you’ve been through

This is the see saw I mentioned

www.cheapdisabilityaids.co.uk/curve-maze-see-saw-125727-p.asp

Can’t for the life of me find the ball, but it’s all the saMe principal. Keep fidgety legs amused.

When you have been through horrific trauma, grieving for the loss of a child, have to deal with child/children with additional needs, have a husband who is not understanding (possibly due to his own grief), a wobbly table that is extremely irritating several times a day can be the absolute final straw.
It is completely understandable OP. The table is the only thing you have a chance of fixing, and your husband has said no.
You need counselling on your own. You are sacrificing your sanity in order to prioritise everyone else.

I’m so so sorry. For everything.

However you want to eat at the moment? Fine. All fine.

Do whatever you bloody want.

Access some of your own counselling

Tell dh to choose a table.

Try to keep going.

You’re so strong.

You could cut the legs down and all kneel on cushions to eat like the Japanese do. I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be an absolutely horrendous time for you and your family.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Just be kind to yourself OP. Eat wherever the hell you want for now. Explain to DH and DC that although it seems silly the table is really bothering you and for now you’re sitting separately. Everyone is allowed to do something a little odd whilst grieving. It’ll work itself out, at some point you’ll get a new table and sit back at it. This won’t be forever.

Hi Ladies, Thank you soo much for your kindness. I feel comforted quite a bit by your responses.

Forgive me for not being able to respond to everyone, but here are my answers to the questions you have asked.

1. I did have a long c-section. Everything that could go wrong that day, truly did. It took 3.5 hours and my DH wasn't allowed to be with me. I was under GA the whole time.

1. I've taken your advice and I have just ordered a small folding table and chair to place to the right of my DS. I am also going through the sites you have suggested about table options.

1. I am trying to find a therapist for myself, as this loss is making me feel like a complete failure.

1. To the posters who were mentioning anxiety-- I used to be a laidback person, but I truly believe I am having quite a lot of anxiety. I have been talking to my GP about it. I told the surgeon who did my c-section and he gave me a low dose of sertraline. Maybe I need more?

1. To the other mothers who are also parenting a child with SEN--I love you beyond words right now. It's these little hacks we learn from each other that make all the difference...and yes, we have resistance bands around the bottom of each of dcs chairs.

1. As far as help and support, the C-word is causing more grief than ever and I don't have the heart to look for extra help. Dh is being good though, he's doing the math, reading, French and pe lessons with the children and I am doing the science, English, art and history. He is also doing all the cleaning and laundry...I do the cooking. I really hope the tray table and chair come soon so I can stop feeling this guilt.

1. I'm sorry for writing soo much, I'm one of those people who never says anything in person and then writes really long messages.

1. The the tragic poster who wrote to be a troll, I get it. You have your own issues so you want to troll me. I troll Donald Trump quite a fair bit on twitter.

I'm so sorry. I can't help wondering if the table has become a transferred focus for everything. Is it more that being around the table takes you too close to the moments you spent at it with a happier future in mind? Can you change to a different counsellor if this one isn't helping?

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, in regards to a recommendation for a table, go solid wood.
This is the kitchen table we have. (Or at least from the range) it’s solid as a rock, extends to fit 6 comfortably and we have had 7 around it. It looks gorgeous too, my youngest daughter has laid claim to it as part of her inheritance, I’m only in my 50’s! Bookcases, dressers etc all available in the same range.

I am.so sorry for what you are going through, I can't imagine how you must be feeling
It sounds.like the table is bearing the brunt of your frustration which is good, much better than it being locked away inside you.
I vote you get rid of the table, that's the one thing in all this you can control. Get it out the house. Get some trays or laptop tables each, start a new tradition about mealtimes. Moat of all, take care if yourself, everyone else will follow.

Forgot to actually add table dur!
cousinsfurniture.co.uk/cheltenham-table-4-chairs-53-7052-268165.html

So sorry OP. I lost my little brother to stillbirth, when I was four years old. I can't imagine what my mother and you and all the other mothers had to go through.

Perhaps the wobbly table is a kind of stand in for how wobbly you are feeling at the moment.

And that makes you feel very frightened and that you just can't deal with that wobbly table any more. But perhaps you need to let your table be wobbly for a bit and allow yourself to tolerate the wobbles.

You can get a stronger one fullness of time, but not till you have made your peace with the wobbliness.

The temptation is to throw the wobbly table away but I think in the end you will feel stronger if you allow yourself a wobble.

I feel instead of focusing on your grief/what has happened to your family you are focusing on the table. Buy a new table and allow yourself to grieve.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Perhaps a japanese style table and dining situation would work for you? But honestly whatever gets you through is fine. xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. Eat wherever you want. There are bigger issues than everyone eating at a table/together etc.

I am really sorry to hear that you lost your baby.
Regarding your table what about securing pillows round each table leg so that it doesn’t move, tremble or even make much of a sound when it is kicked. Possibly worth trying as you can pick up pillows very cheap. You might need 2 for each leg but worth it for your mental health.

I bought an 6'6''x 3foot table, solid as a rock many years ago, get a 'new' {to you} solid wooden table, and it won't rock, or move..and will bruise the toes of any kicker! A solid table is the answer.

@clitterratti I too lost a baby recently and completely understand how you feel.
Please believe me that if it wasn't the table it would be something else...for me, it's the colour in our hall which is the only colour dh chose. I've started to find it really offensive and it sets my teeth on edge. However, I've recognised that it is probably me focussing on something/anything else than losing my baby.
Buy another table, take the dcs shoes off, eat on the floor but be prepared that something else may take its place. I am truly wishing you all the very best.

OP...Doubtless you are still hurting badly about the loss of your little one... Maybe this is why you feel the need to be 'apart'.. Grief is a complex process.. and some losses go extremely deep, and need one to retreat a little. Be as gentle as possible with yourself It isn't easy.

I have no advice to offer but sending love and sympathy.

@Bumpsadaisie..
The analogy with the wobbly table and the wobbliness of Grief is an elegant one.

Like pp have said, solid oak tables are sturdy, just had a quick look on tv market place and there are a few tables for less than £50. Maybe check local selling sites.

But if you want to switch to tv meals for now, then you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Do whatever’s best for you and your family. Sorry for your loss

You do what you need to do for you.

I eat standing at the kitchen counter while my kids kick the table and spill drinks on their food/each other/themselves