to sit on the floor to eat dinner? Please be kind. Not a windup.

[clitterratti]

I have been married 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS. I am trying my best not to drip feed.

Due to a stillbirth recently, my family and I are going through grief counselling (via FaceTime). The whole family, my kids (11 and 6 years of age), my husband and myself. It's counterproductive for me, but really helpful for the kids. Half the session is focused on the children, and the other half is focused on us. The kids go off and play within eyesight but far away enough where they can't hear anything.

I stopped eating at the table with the kids after it happened because the kids kick the table all through dinner. One of my children has ASD and honestly can't help it, we have OT exercises to help, but it's just a fact of life. My other child is just fidgety and I don't have the heart to tell her off as she is already anxious and the table is old and shitty anyway. The table being terrible quality is my fault. Because we sold our other broken but amazing dining table to someone who wanted to pay us a ridiculous amount of money for it, and at the time we were just thinking of throwing it away. The old table also shook and swayed, but didn't tremble. It's the jerky weird movement of the table I cannot stand.

*it's also important to note (to be fair to dh) that normally, we discuss things that need doing and he usually is happy to go with whatever I decide. Almost always.

In my culture, dinner at the table with the family on weeknights is compulsory (for dependents). The same does not go for my husbands family, but after 14 years everyone is used to it. I just can't do it if the table moves. I just CANNOT do it anymore. I'll cook, no problem...but I just cannot eat at that table. It makes me seasick and I don't even get seasick in boats. I want to sit on the floor to eat dinner but no one else wants to. My DC who has ASD would need a new routine set up to get him used to sitting on the floor for dinner and then if we ever got another table, would need to transition to sitting at a table again. And he would end up wanting to always sit on the floor to eat from then. I know this, because we went on a picnic once.

During our grown-up part of the therapy session my husband talked about how I don't have dinner with the family. I explained that the one time I found a table that was affordable and we had the opportunity to get, was literally the one time he said 'no' to something. I didn't argue, it was a table and not worth fighting about.

AIBU to ask the family to stay at the table and eat, and I'll just eat sitting next to them on the floor, or I can eat standing up at the kitchen counter?

As far as a new table: I can't find one that I know for sure that will not shake/sway/tremble. It's safe, it won't fall on the kids---and there are bigger problems in this world (I know).

Also: yes, we have tried to fix the tables. We have tried to wedge things underneath, tightened the bolts have had friends around who also find the table annoying.

With all the things going on right now, the c-section and the other c-word what am I supposed to do?

Also, do you have a table you could recommend that doesn't move? I am desperate and it really is causing me quite a lot of sadness and I am not exaggerating.

A sturdy wooden table with separate legs at each corner (not any distance from the edges) and definitely not screw in legs, but ones attached to a frame that the tabletop goes onto.

When DH and I first got married we had a low coffee table. We only got a dining table when we moved into our first house. We could fit 4 people round the coffee table sitting on cushions. Could that be a possibility?

@Malvinaa81
Did you think you were writing a book review or something? What could possibly possess you to post that? Seriously, talk me through your thought process?

You saw the word stillbirth and thought "yup, this is the thread for me to be a dick on". If you've got nothing to say then why didn't you just say nothing?

I don't think the table is the issue here. The table is just a distraction. There's something else going on here. Perhaps you need to talk to someone by yourself.

I really don't like eating at the table with my four year old. She's up and down and can't sit still. Meal times are often fractious. I stick with it and repeat over and over to eat up and sit still, some days she does.

And yes I agree your own counselling would be really helpful. You need to be able to grieve YOUR way without worrying about the kids (even if they can’t hear, they are in eyesight and that will impact how free you can be to talk) or husband.

It’s great you can all have the counselling together and it’s so important to recognise that you’ve all suffered this awful loss but perhaps it’s important to recognise you need extra help as the one who went through the physical loss too (I hope that isn’t an awful thing to say, I’m sorry if it is)

Ah OP. This doesn’t sound like it’s about the table, my love.
I would get yourself a small square table that can go at the end of the table you have, with a small gap between, and JUST YOU eat at that one. Put a tablecloth(s) over the two tables so it looks like one, but you will have a safe, sturdy, non moving, non-juddering space to eat with your family.

I do wonder though, my love, if perhaps this is symbolic, and more about you wanting to separate yourself from your family, to create a private space to grieve your loss?

In any event, think of a small table as yours, be firm that nobody else can sit at it with you, and sit not at the head of the table, but so that you’re alongside other family members (then you won’t need to look down the table at the bigger one).

What about a small table just for you. Same height as main one. Put it next to but not touching. That way your plates aren’t jiggling.

But is it really the table? It’s ok to be burnt out by family, especially given all that you’ve gone through.

I’ve seen rubber band things that go between table legs (think they are made for school desks) which are for children with additional needs to kick. That might work and will absorb the movement from the kicking??

This table is £20 at B&M

Oh lovely. Be kind to yourself. Sod the bloody table. Chop the legs to 6 inches and sit on cushions Japanese style.

I totally understand. A wobbly table is beyond annoying, and the annoyance is exacerbated further by your understandable low mood and grief.

I can confidently tell you that the solution is to buy a table with 3 legs. It is logistically impossible for a 3 legged table to wobble. It's something I researched before buying one myself (also have a disabled child who kicks the legs).

Something like this. If you put the kicker in the middle of one side, DH and DC2 on the second and you on your own side, he will have nothing in reach to kick.

https://www.laredoute.co.uk/ppdp/prod-350080711.aspx?dim1=1&dim2=1&mkwid=szTApLG8Mdm%7Cpcrid%7C351392410975%7Cpkw%7C%7Cpmt%7C%7Cslid%7C%7Cpgrid%7C73403542994%7Cptaid%7Cpla-744627771585%7Cproductid%7C35008071100010001876120&omniturecode=Google-Shopping-PPC-Shopping+Home+%26+Furniture+New+%3E+Tables+%26+Chairs-Home+%26+Furniture+%3E+Tables+%26+Chairs+%3E+Tables+%3E+Dining+Table&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIt8ffyPv86AIVAu7tCh3ubQWWEAQYBCABEgLo2PDBwE

Can you afford to get a new table online or from B and Q? Just get one that looks sturdy. Neptune tables are lovely but pricey.

As for the kicking - that would drive me insane. I just totally wouldn't tolerate it. Yes take shoes off any kickers. And have a horrid couple of nights where you say kickers don't get any food. I think they'll stop on the first night, when they realise you mean it. Or just explain it makes you want to cry and drives you mad and please can they not.

You must stop the kicking. And must get a new table. The suggestion to burn the old one sounds good!

I'm so sorry about your baby 😞 You are putting everyone first. Which is understandable. And now rather than change the table and stop the kicking, you will eat on the floor.

No. Stop the kicking. It isn't mean of you. It's reasonable and normal and better for them. Do it. Xxxxx

Brie raises a point. Ive worked with AS and fidgety legs under tables were given a ball that looked a bit like Saturn to twirl. Other things we used were bigger yoga balls and rocking see saw type boards.

Daft as it sounds a plank of wood with a bean can in the middle with a foot on either side so they can rock?

I've very sorry for your loss op. What about a table for one that you could put next to the main table, so that you can eat with them but without the shaking.

It is not
About the table.

But either post on your local Facebook for a table (a lot of people are having clear outs) or Ikea do v cheap side and coffee tables in the Lack range and just eat in front of the TV.
If you need to eat separately from the kids so be it!

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do you need to do the counselling, if it's counter productive for you? Is there something else that you need or that might help?

I have (for some reason) surplus bloody tables, we seem to accumulate them somehow. I wish I could send you one. Bit big to post.

Sitting on the floor seems fine, or maybe a lap tray for yourself for the time being at least? Sending you all the best.

I was married into a Muslim house hold where every night we put a big cloth down (easy to pick up shake all crumbs outside and throw in the washer) and all sat down on the floor to eat in a circle kids included. This is a normal everyday thing in many Muslim houses around my area, as for large families everyone can eat together.

I'm English and had picnic teas in winter when my son was younger to make it fun he loved it, it's whatever works for you and your family

I agree this doesn't sound like it's about the table at all. The amount of time you spend talking about the table seems a bit odd....like you're focusing on it to distract you.

What do you mean when you say the sessions are counterproductive for you? You don't have to do them you know.

The kids are benefiting yes and that's good but you could just stop doing them if they're making you feel worse. Are they?

And if you can, what about looking for a table on gumtree or ebay? They don't all sway....get an old, solid one.

Maybe lap trays so you can all sit together but not ‘together’

Sorry for your loss. Must be especially hard to go through this while in lockdown.

Don’t sit on the floor to eat. That’s just not good for all kinds of reasons.

I’d just replace your one table with two smaller tables put next to each other but not touching. One for the children and one for you and DH. That way your children can be comfortable with their fidgeting and kicking and you can be comfortable and not sea sick.

Try buying second hand. You basically need two small rectangular tables. So not a kitchen or dining table but two school tables or small console tables.

Until then, sit at the table, but hold your plate in your lap as if you were on the floor. That connection of eating together is very important.

Here you go op. It’s not expensive either

www.cheapdisabilityaids.co.uk/think-n-roll-foot-roller-14908-p.asp

Could you cut the table legs so its lower and you all sit on cushions or low stools for the kids?
Tbh I think at the moment you need to do what is right for you, and if that is eating separately whether sitting to the worktop or sitting on the sofa for a few weeks, I think it could be turned into a lesson of compassion for the kids. (Im not saying theyre not being compassionate btw)
Could you ask your dh to let you speak to the counsellor on your own for at least one session. I know you have all lost but you have been through the physical trauma of it on top of it all and I think you need to work through that, away from your dh and your dc and their grief surrounding it all

@ponchek

I cant believe what I just read. Are you one of those people who deosnt believe in additional needs? Do you think all those kids need is a good telling and a couple days of punishment and then they will stop. Well, why hasn't anyone else thought of that!?! There would be no such thing as additional needs if everyone just gave them a telling! You're a genius

Sorry OP, you do (understandably IMO) sound at the end of your tether but I don't think it's the table either, although it is the focus of your concern just now.

Who arranged the counselling? Can you speak to them (or your GP) to see if it's possible to talk to anyone on your own?