to sit on the floor to eat dinner? Please be kind. Not a windup.

[clitterratti]

I have been married 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS. I am trying my best not to drip feed.

Due to a stillbirth recently, my family and I are going through grief counselling (via FaceTime). The whole family, my kids (11 and 6 years of age), my husband and myself. It's counterproductive for me, but really helpful for the kids. Half the session is focused on the children, and the other half is focused on us. The kids go off and play within eyesight but far away enough where they can't hear anything.

I stopped eating at the table with the kids after it happened because the kids kick the table all through dinner. One of my children has ASD and honestly can't help it, we have OT exercises to help, but it's just a fact of life. My other child is just fidgety and I don't have the heart to tell her off as she is already anxious and the table is old and shitty anyway. The table being terrible quality is my fault. Because we sold our other broken but amazing dining table to someone who wanted to pay us a ridiculous amount of money for it, and at the time we were just thinking of throwing it away. The old table also shook and swayed, but didn't tremble. It's the jerky weird movement of the table I cannot stand.

*it's also important to note (to be fair to dh) that normally, we discuss things that need doing and he usually is happy to go with whatever I decide. Almost always.

In my culture, dinner at the table with the family on weeknights is compulsory (for dependents). The same does not go for my husbands family, but after 14 years everyone is used to it. I just can't do it if the table moves. I just CANNOT do it anymore. I'll cook, no problem...but I just cannot eat at that table. It makes me seasick and I don't even get seasick in boats. I want to sit on the floor to eat dinner but no one else wants to. My DC who has ASD would need a new routine set up to get him used to sitting on the floor for dinner and then if we ever got another table, would need to transition to sitting at a table again. And he would end up wanting to always sit on the floor to eat from then. I know this, because we went on a picnic once.

During our grown-up part of the therapy session my husband talked about how I don't have dinner with the family. I explained that the one time I found a table that was affordable and we had the opportunity to get, was literally the one time he said 'no' to something. I didn't argue, it was a table and not worth fighting about.

AIBU to ask the family to stay at the table and eat, and I'll just eat sitting next to them on the floor, or I can eat standing up at the kitchen counter?

As far as a new table: I can't find one that I know for sure that will not shake/sway/tremble. It's safe, it won't fall on the kids---and there are bigger problems in this world (I know).

Also: yes, we have tried to fix the tables. We have tried to wedge things underneath, tightened the bolts have had friends around who also find the table annoying.

With all the things going on right now, the c-section and the other c-word what am I supposed to do?

Also, do you have a table you could recommend that doesn't move? I am desperate and it really is causing me quite a lot of sadness and I am not exaggerating.

Try bare feet and a washing up bowl full of pebbles for Mr kickyfeet’s toes to fiddle with. Put it away in between meals. All will get easier.

I’m so sorry you lost your baby. Be gentle with yourselves.

Bless you. You’ve going through such a traumatic & desperately sad time. Be gentle with yourself. Try to get a strong solid table & eat standing next to them at the counter top. I find my dh finds my ups and downs confusing. I’ve recently come out of icu & little things that I could have coped fine with before upset me & dh doesn’t get it. Do whatever you need to do to get by.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't RTFT if it was mentioned? Can you see your GP to check your vestibuler system both of my DC have issues with theirs, any table rocking or motion makes them really dizzy.
It might be psychological too.
Get a nice sturdy table to start with.

You don’t have to eat with the family if you don’t want to. My mum hates eating with anyone and given a choice will take on a serving role at dinner (plating up, sometimes cooking certain items ‘fresh’ etc, offering salt / pepper) could you do something similar? That way the kids won’t notice.

If money is tight, a decent, solid wood second hand table would probably be the best option. One, which doesn’t extend. I’m so sorry for your loss. I do hope you find some therapy for you really soon.

Your kids haven’t been doing it for fourteen years, they will adapt to a new regime. Time to give up the family dinners for a while.

I totally get it - your grief has you rubbed raw and any little thing, in this case the table, becomes magnified hugely because your usual levels of tolerance have been reduced so far.

I'm pleased to see you've ordered a little table for yourself - good compromise. I was going to suggest getting a bar stool type thing and eating at the kitchen counter if that would have worked, but you're sorted in that respect.

As far as the other thing goes (and I'm so sad for you) I can see why the counselling isn't working for you at the moment - too raw, too painful, you don't wish to revisit it all the time.

Did you have a de-brief at the hospital afterwards, to go through what happened? This may not help you at the moment either but sometimes it CAN help, in that it allows you to ask the questions that no one can really answer but they might have some clues - what happened, what went wrong, why did it happen this way? If you haven't had a de-brief, it might be worth talking to PALS (if your hospital has one) to see if it's possible - by phone, obviously, at the moment. You've been through a very traumatic situation and are possibly suffering from post-traumatic stress - so need to be treated accordingly.

Huge (((hugs))) to you @clitterratti - I hope you can find a way through

Op I'm sorry as I didn't mean to sound so as if you could sort the kicking with zero tolerance. I just feel v sorry for you having to try to negotiate that while you are in such a vulnerable time. And you are the one who feels eating dinner together is important, which is why it's falling to you to make it work.

Your idea about eating at the counter or a bit separately is trying to find a way to work round. I also feel there must be ways to deal with the kicking. 5zeds suggestion with water and pebbles sounds great (if a bit splashy ...!). No I don't have direct experience of this but I do absolutely work around and find responsive solutions.

I think I would want to engage your other child in not kicking, to isolate the kicking, and find a tactic for coping with it/lessening it's effect. I'm v sensitive to things like repetitive noises, which is why I said I understand how it's become completely intolerable for you.

Actually the person who said a low Japanese table for everyone might have a point. No kicking if no legs to kick, but still a table?

I think your worry is that if you're separate, then the family isn't eating together. But I don't think you should worry, as this is all a phase, and temporary. You just have to get through it.

So I think my way would be:

New table if possible.

You stand at counter for now (not sit on floor - that's more different/disruptive - and will make it harder to keep the kids at the table).

I'd try to start sowing the seeds with the child who has no reason to kick that it's only tolerated in your DS who can't help it. No need for both of them to be doing it and you need to set a line of no copying with difficult behaviour.

Sorry - catching up. V good you will have other table. Hope it works.

The main thing is the counselling. I think you need some just you, on your own.

You guys are probably right. I do need space and I do need a new table. I just love the timing of all of this, the one time I want to go and be alone is the one time I can't go anywhere.

I find our grief therapist/counsellor more of a guide than someone who can help me identify my feelings and help me figure out what to do with them?

You don’t need water for his feet, what you need is texture (so water might work but is probably not ideal inside!) just pebbles, or sand, or balls, or even play dough. Sensation seekers just need you to find things that they can use without irritating other people. Texture on bare feet is very soothing so you might find he can focus more too.

Thank you @5zeds; I will see if I can make him sensory slippers to wear at dinner.

To the poster who told me that I need to make sure my DD doesn't copy my DS's difficult behaviour is spot on. In all of this, I keep losing sight of things I need to nip in the bud.

Burn the table. Literally

Sit where the hell you like. Everyone is spending so much time together atm that you dont neeeed that time to reconnect.

Understanding theres value of tv dinners, especially for ASD children or anyone struggling with the intensity of being with other humans 24 hours a day.

Get two square solid tables and stand them close together but not touching. Looks like a rectangle. One is for kids one for adults.

It may help your SN child if the childrens table is identified by an interesting PVC table cloth; lots of appealing ones available .

Don’t worry too much about dd copying. It really wears off fairly smartly, you have lots of time. Take time, you all need to find what works for your family.

Just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. What a difficult time for you. I hope you find a solution to your current situation. Looks like there are a lot of good suggestions on this thread.

I'm sorry for your loss and the physical trauma of the CS. There is never a good time to go through anything like this, but the timing at the moment is absolutely awful and unhelpful for the grief process.

I have a sensory child with ASD, and he's finding a wobble cushion very comforting. He favours it spiky side up, and although it sounds counter-intuitive, squirming around on the cushion keeps him more still as it's kind of absorbed compared to sitting on a still chair.

It sounds like you are still too raw for the counceling. That's OK. Grief is personal and follows its own timeline. You have your added physical trauma to process too. It may be more helpful to revisit it later or find a different approach when opportunities change.

Get some time on your own. You are allowed out. It is not against (English) law to go out more than once per day. You can drive to a relatively localised place that is quiet. You need your own mental and physical space for those emotions to play out and are very likely to get "stuck" until then. Is it strictly to the letter of the guidence, no, but you are being harmed by feeling trapped in with a greiving family plus SNs, and anyone objecting to someone getting out to release some grief would be a twunt of the highest order. There is specific acknowledgement of different needs for those with SNs and the reality is sometimes its the carers that need that release more.

Don't really have anything productive to add op sorry, but we have this table. It's small but it's sturdy and cheap and you can also buy it with proper chairs. Hope things get better for you.

@clitterratti I'm so so sorry to hear about this. I was in a bit of a similar situation and I developed ocd. I wonder if this is similar. As another poster said if it wasn't the tabke it would be something else.
My son has gas with asd tendencies. He has a scarf tied round the chair to rest his feet on, ping again, do other annoying things but it keeps him occupied and stops the bang bang bang.

So sorry for your loss OP. Eating at the table (or not) is the least of your worries. Don't let it add to your stress.

Solid oak table.

Won't budge, and a kid who kicks it will get a sore toe fast and before long won't kick it any more.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I'm so shocked that your dh has brought something like this up in therapy. What an arsehole. Could he just not give you unconditional support to get through this grieving period rather than make out like you are letting the family down by not sitting on the damn table.
Why isnt he trying to get you all a new table if he is that concerned about mealtimes.
I think the best solution is a new table or as someone suggested, one that is similar height to the current one.

From a mother who lost her boy shortly after birth in February, I am so sorry. It really is all consuming and painful. In the months since I have focused and gotten angry about lots of different things, and sometimes, focusing on something other than that raw grief and the trauma you’ve experienced and continue to experience can be really helpful. To me, It certainly felt good /gave me a break to feel another emotion even for 5 minutes.

Sounds like you’ve found a good solution to your problem. X

5zeds I want to squish's my toes into catnip-play dough too!!!! Sounds good! (the smell of play dough is total catnip for me)

OP you can be alone. Maybe not with a counsellor but if you go for a walk or bike ride on your own each day (while DH minds them - and you do it too for him) then you will have some time to let your thoughts out and turn them over in the sunlight.You need time to process. Just go out the front door and walk. After about 10 mins max your thoughts will start showing themselves. Let them. Listen. Say what you feel. Cry. Shout. Whatever. (There aren't too many people around - and anyhow who cares what they think? We are all in our lockdown rehabs).

You might just stop and look at a leaf and see how perfect it is. Who knows. But give yourself that half hour or more.

Be your own therapist. And also be in nature. Honest it really does help. (well does for me).

And about the copying - I mostly said to curtail it as it as double-kicking is even more awful. I love the play dough option. And so silent!