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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give DD money towards a holiday right now?

138 replies

Lasagnainmyhair · 22/04/2020 16:56

21yo dd’s friend has suggested going on holiday together with another friend when all that’s going on at the moment has calmed down, I brushed it off thinking it was just a suggestion that won’t get acted on. It has now turned from a passing comment to an actual plan that the other 2 have spoken to their parents about!! They’re planning a week at DisneyLand for spring next year.

Her birthday is soon and if lockdown does end after these 3 weeks it’ll only be a couple of days after so we’ll be unlikely to do anything so she has asked me and her dad if instead of celebrating we can give her some money towards the holiday, her dad has agreed straight away. I on the other hand am not keen at all as I think right now booking holidays is the last thing anyone should be thinking about and honestly with all that’s going on it’s a bit tone deaf, so I’ve told her I need to think about it.

They seem to have looked into this quite well, DD is seemingly very clever with these things and knows when she comes to me to ask for something I’m more likely to say yes when can she can show she’s properly looked into something. They’ve all said they’re not even going to think about booking until a month or 2 after they can all get together again so they can properly look into it altogether and the earliest they’d be looking to go is late March next year.

AIBU to not give her any money towards this?

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 22/04/2020 17:10

"I just didn’t know if right now it was a bit out of touch to be talking if expensive holidays while people are loosing their family."

Unfortunately there will be times of loss and misery in all our lives (in a general sense rather than Covid sense). That's no reason to stop a young adult believing that there are fun times awaiting in the future and things to look forward to. Just as long as she is sensitive to others needs and feelings at the moment which I'm sure she is. You have said you are happy to help her out with the money. Just tell her that's fine when the time is right. Might be a good idea to tell her on her birthday what your contribution will be so she can plan what she needs to save.

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/04/2020 17:11

YABU
It’s good mental health to envision and plan for a covidless future.

Original poster

Lasagnainmyhair · 22/04/2020 17:13

Might be a good idea to tell her on her birthday what your contribution will be so she can plan what she needs to save.

She’s asked for a specific amount towards it so I’ll probably just give her that plus a little extra.

OP posts:

HillAreas · 22/04/2020 17:15

That’s her next two birthdays and Christmas taken care of...
I like an easy life.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2020 17:17

just didn’t know if right now it was a bit out of touch to be talking if expensive holidays while people are loosing their family

People lose people all the time, not just due to Covid. Not really seeing why you think people shouldnt have holidays when this is all over.

lowlandLucky · 22/04/2020 17:17

She is an adult and where she goes and what she does and who she does it with is none of your business.Dont give her money

CCaK · 22/04/2020 17:18

I think it's a lovely idea, planning for something to look forward to!

We are doing the same, planning a possible beach holiday next year.

By your thinking nobody would ever be allowed to have nice meals because there are people starving.

Nicknacky · 22/04/2020 17:20

Why wouldn’t you give her money toward this? Life goes on, I’m missing my holidays!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 22/04/2020 17:21

I would not agree to give her money and then hold onto it for her. I would just give her the money for her birthday and tell her that it is her responsibility to save it and not spend it before her holiday. I would stick to this and not give her more if she spends it. She is 21 and needs to learn how to budget.

I just didn’t know if right now it was a bit out of touch to be talking if expensive holidays while people are loosing their family.
It's very sad that so many people have lost their lives but you cannot expect people not to plan holidays because others have family members who have died.

Blackandgreenteas · 22/04/2020 17:23

I would give her whatever birthday money you usually would spend. If she loses it, then that’s her problem, to put it harshly.

Drpeppered · 22/04/2020 17:25

Unfortunately people are always losing family, regardless of there being an international pandemic or not.

Heck I’ve lost two grandparents in the last six weeks, and I’m still planning on going on holiday as soon as all this madness is over. I think you’re being a little bit precious OP.

Batfinklestein · 22/04/2020 17:26

You are being weird. Yes some people are having an utterly shit time right now. But that doesn't mean your daughter shouldn't make nice plans with her friends to do something fun next year.

madmumofteens · 22/04/2020 17:26

My daughter is the same OP they are just trying to plan ahead and although things are so uncertain I don't want to burst her balloon there is enough pessimism! Why don't you get her euros for her birthday she can put them away and use them either way!

Herpesfreesince03 · 22/04/2020 17:32

I think it’s a huge risk booking a holiday right now. With all the cancelled holidays, refunds and lack of future bookings, holiday companies are at risk of going under. Virgin holidays are struggling for a start, as well as TUI who have refused to refund thousands of people for cancelled holidays. If the travel company she goes with goes bust, she has no chance of getting her/your money back at all

HedgehogHotel · 22/04/2020 17:33

I don't think you get to decide whether or not it's 'appropriate' for your DD to have holiday with friends or not when people are generally able to do so.

Krong · 22/04/2020 17:33

She’s asked me to not actually give her the money but for it to be there when she needs it so she doesn’t end up spending it on other things, so if I give her money it will be going on the holiday.

So then what's the problem? Sounds like they are getting insurance so even if the trip doesn't go ahead, she can suggest an alternative for the money and then you can give it to her.

mencken · 22/04/2020 17:33

apart from the fact that nobody apart from the very stupid travels without insurance, where's the problem? She does need to grow out of the 'if I have money, I'll piss it away' thing though. 21 is a bit old for that.

Ellisandra · 22/04/2020 17:37

There’ll be a lot more bloody misery if the economy collapses! Good for her, I say.
She’s 21.
Are you never going to to anything nice again ever, OP, because people have died? (a pretty small amount of people too, compared to the deaths every day around the world from war, famine and disease)

NamedyChangedy · 22/04/2020 17:37

It sounds like your daughter is being very reasonable and realistic.

She's not suggesting they book the holiday now, she's saying at some point in the future, when it's an option, she'd like to have the opportunity to book one.

I get that you're anxious at the moment, but if everyone put their lives on hold as you suggest, we'd never get back to normal.

Does it help you to think of her supporting the economy and helping people who've lost their jobs because of the pandemic, as that's the other side of the coin...?

LionessRoar · 22/04/2020 17:37

IceCream - I hope it’s not true too as was hoping to go for first time end of next year. I have only seen it mentioned on places like Facebook a few times, so I’m hoping it’s just a silly rumour with nothing to back it up

EasterIssland · 22/04/2020 17:37

Yabu. The only thing keeping me positive is the holiday I’ve booked for Japan later in the year. Will I be able to make it ? God knows but ... I need something to look forward to keep my mind sane and make through all this

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 22/04/2020 17:42

Your adult daughter has asked for a specific amount of money for her birthday. She’s going to use it for an adults holiday with friends. Seeing as how that’s none of your business, you either give her the money or you don’t.

ddl1 · 22/04/2020 17:42

I think there's nothing wrong with giving her money for her birthday, which she can spend on her trip or something else. I would discourage her from booking right now, though (if it's even possible to so!) I would expect that even if everything else is back to normal, international travel is likely to be one of the last things to be normalized. Even if it's possible by then, it may be more expensive, more complicated, require more insurance, etc. for a while. I don't think it's 'tone deaf' to consider booking holidays at this time; just something that could lead to disappointment. But at 21, it's ultimately her decision.

Thinkingabout1t · 22/04/2020 17:43

I just didn’t know if right now it was a bit out of touch to be talking if expensive holidays while people are loosing their family.

That's kind and sensitive of you, OP. I wouldn't discuss holidays with someone who had lost a friend or relative. But for other people, who aren't personally in mourning, surely it's fine to look forward to good times? It doesn't mean they don't care about the sick or dying or bereaved.

RhymingRabbit3 · 22/04/2020 17:45

I just didn’t know if right now it was a bit out of touch to be talking if expensive holidays while people are loosing their family.

I see what you're saying but people lose family members all the time. Certainly more people are at the moment but if you never did anything fun because other people are miserable, then you would never do anything!

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