Should I really be this cool about their meet ups?

[theriverthames]

Is it normal for two friends and
Colleagues who have a non sexual but strong emotional history, to plan to meet up for a few days in his home city and then another few days in her home City over the summer when lock down ends?
Our own holiday has been cancelled and we have not discussed rescheduling yet, but they were organising their breaks this morning and dates have been set.
We are together two years and have had to stick together for lockdown.. which is going very well besides a few spats.
He lights up when he talks about her and each time he has a few beers or gets tipsy, he texts her how excited he is to see her again.
My mind may be overthinking . AIBU.

Yanbu - this is weird.

I don't know what you mean by strong emotional history. Are they still colleagues?

Sounds like an emotional affair, YANBU.

I think this is outside of most couples normal boundaries.

Read Not Just Friends.

So just to be clear-one of these ppl is your boyfriend?

And he is making these plans with a work colleague?

Are you sure relationship is not sexual? Because at the very least it sounds like

its an emotional affair

YANBU at all

He should light up around you not when talking of another woman

I’m divorced once and have now been married to my long-time friend for 15 years. Best decision I ever made.

Probably not the answer you want to hear.

I have close male friends that I will definitely see when lockdown is over, as I really miss my friends? We have known each other as friends for years, and just like same sex friends have seen each other mature/progress in life etc, it’s purely platonic. I’ve even been on holiday or lived with them at uni. We’re still in our early 20s.

I don’t think separate meet ups in each other’s city is that weird either. If one lives in eg London and the other in a random village, you see how London has many more places to visit so would be more fun/special. Or if they both live in nice areas, 2 trips could just be different outings exploring each city - this could just be something they had been meaning to do before the pandemic hit, and have decided to do it now as life’s too short.

But I’m only speaking on my own experience of my platonic friendships, you may have other reasons to suspect more is going on.

I would feel the same. No way are you being unreasonable. Also why hasn't he offered to bring you along or sing your praises to this work friend. Quite frankly he needs to be your support at the minute during this difficult time not organising rendezvous with this other woman. If he cares about you and loves you if you explain this to him he should understand. If the shoe was on the other foot it would be a different story no doubt.

The visit I wouldn't think much of. When were nearer lockdown ending totally a male eague and I will be sorting out a day to meet up, we'll spend the day together, go sightseeing, linc hand then out for a nice dinner. I have kids so I wouldn't think to stay over, one full day of him is plenty but it would depend on travel times. We're a few hours apart but if it was say 3+ and no kids, then maybe.

However the whole lights up when he talks about her, drunken texts about missing her is a huge red flag.

What IS their history?

I'm not entirely sure what their entire history is but I know that they confide in one another and spend out of work hours in contact through text and calls and discuss plenty of topics like politics, work, personals problems but also have the same sense of humour and share jokes every day.
She is his senior in work and in age by a big margin. He tries to flatter her with big words and ideas which just makes me cringe. He definitely has her on a pedestal.He seeks advice from her on a range of topics and then tells her she is amazing and similar cringy things.
She is divorced and single.
We haven't been introduced yet but I hope we will meet in the summer but I'm not invited.

Well OP if you’re cool with that then you’re a better and more easy going person than me.

I can see how that’s fine when they’re both single, but affairs don’t start out of thin air.

Paying other women lots of compliments or eg saying how amazing they are is something I wouldn’t be happy with.

There’s a line with what I would accept as reasonable and that crosses it. Lucky for me my DH feels the same. We respect how the other would feel and do it works for us. I think it’s about respect.

When one of my best friends was in her late teens (she thought) she had lots of male friends that she only looked at them as friends.

She just wanted to be friends absolutely nothing else, but EVERY one of them couldn’t just be friends. They all professed their love for her at different points. (They were only young however and that’s not to say it can’t work the other way, where it’s the woman that wants more but her experience was it’s the man)

20 odd years on she’s happily married etc but she’s still aware of very close friendships ending up where someone wants more. These days she has a girl friends for company and would never strike up a close friendship with another man as she would feel it was disrespectful to her husband. She knows what’s likely to happen.....

Fuck that shit. I would feel like second best.

Yeah... That's not okay.

What's his relationship like with his Mom?

I'm not cool with it but I think I am expected to be.He has told me that if I don't like him having a close friendship with her, I can leave.He wasn't nasty when he said that. He wanted me to trust him and understand that they have been friends for years and he won't be giving up his friends for anyone.

He is very close to his mum.

Why @SleepingStandingUp ?

The fuck he would.
He'd come home to my key jamming the lock and his shit on the lawn.

Friends my arse.

💐

You can leave?

Wtf?

I wouldn't accept that! How rude you're definitely second best.

He has told me that if I don't like him having a close friendship with her, I can leave.

There's your answer then. What is your living situation? Can you go back home or do you have to wait until after lockdown?

I would leave him. He will always hold her in a higher position than you.

The fact he's planning a holiday with another woman before rebooking one with you says it all. He would have her if she said yes.

He has told me that if I don't like him having a close friendship with her, I can leave he's right, this is your choice to make, not his. You can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but you can decide it doesn't work for you and leave. He's already made it clear if you leave over this, he won't stop you.

I asked Re his mom as you said this e as much older hi m, he tries to impress her with his intellect etc, I wondered if it was more hero worship than him wanting a sexual / romantic relationship

If there’s a big age gap then it’s possible that he looks up to her as a mentor. She might not be interested in anything romantic or sexual. I would arrange to meet her as soon as lockdown is over and judge for yourself. It is possible that it’s purely platonic. I hope it is just platonic for your sake!