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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I really be this cool about their meet ups?

109 replies

theriverthames · 21/04/2020 15:51

Is it normal for two friends and
Colleagues who have a non sexual but strong emotional history, to plan to meet up for a few days in his home city and then another few days in her home City over the summer when lock down ends?
Our own holiday has been cancelled and we have not discussed rescheduling yet, but they were organising their breaks this morning and dates have been set.
We are together two years and have had to stick together for lockdown.. which is going very well besides a few spats.
He lights up when he talks about her and each time he has a few beers or gets tipsy, he texts her how excited he is to see her again.
My mind may be overthinking . AIBU.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 22/04/2020 17:01

Way way too weird IMHO. Not that it is a platonic friendship between opposite sexes - I've had a few myself- but it sounds far too intense and exclusive. I'd be out of this relationship.

peppermintcapsules · 22/04/2020 17:10

He has zero respect for you and you're waiting for him to ask you to move in with him? Wow.

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 22/04/2020 17:25

Sounds super annoying. It must be making you feel rubbish?

Intothefuture · 22/04/2020 17:56

I wouldn’t put up with him sitting there texting her and laughing even once. What are you doing while he’s doing that?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/04/2020 18:32

Come on op the writing is on the wall

You know the answer there is no need to analyse this it’s there in front of you

If a friend was telling you this you would say wrt - move on

Triggahippy · 22/04/2020 18:37

Yanbu
That is weird

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/04/2020 18:51

OP. I hope I'm generally not insensitive to those who are hurting. I don't want to rub salt in the wounds of people who are already suffering and are reaching out in despair for help. There are a lot of these on this site.

In your case, in the gentlest possible sense, you need to give yourself a shake. You posted the same question two months ago, then again a month ago (I don't recall any user names from the time but I certainly recall the content). On both occasions people took time out of their day, in good faith, to reply to you. And the overwhelming majority of them were telling you the same thing.

That's all very well. There's nothing compelling you to take advice from mere strangers online. It's your life and what you do is up to you. But ignoring that advice and then running back asking for the same advice - twice - is not reasonable. Nor is it rational. It also risks alienating those who have tried in all good faith to help you.

You've heard that old phrase that the definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result? I'm afraid the same thing applies to your 'partner', and I use that word in the loosest possible sense. You're running around on a treadmill to nowhere, you're obviously driving yourself mad trying to find answers that will not be forthcoming, and it's only resulting in taking you back to the place where you started. We're four months down the line and nothing has changed. I think it's now safe to assume that it never will. This must be causing you no end of emotional torment. Why wouldn't you want that to stop?

The longer you continue in this dead-end relationship, the more you'll exhaust yourself on that endless treadmill. Is this the way you want to continue living? As for your continual protestations that you're convinced he isn't attracted to her: you're completely in denial. Otherwise why are you continuing to post on here - months later?

What an exhausting, untenable situation. Be kinder to yourself OP and set yourself free.

funnylittlefloozie · 22/04/2020 20:06

What a kind post, MarielVanArkleStinks. I hope the OP can take some courage from it, and end this sad farce of a relationship.

hardboiledeggs · 22/04/2020 20:11

Wow. I would not be happy with that at all.

Wifeofbikerviking · 22/04/2020 20:14

Who are these friends? If they're both single then I don't see why this would bother you

Wifeofbikerviking · 22/04/2020 20:15

I'm not sure if this is following up from another thread..is one of your friends/colleagues actually your oh?

If so then taking a trip to this other friends is not reasonable

SidekickSally · 22/04/2020 20:36

Agree 100% with MarielVanArkleStinks. OP, you really need to face facts now. You deserve so much more.

theriverthames · 22/04/2020 20:41

Thank you for such a lovely and thoughtful
Post @MarieIVanArkleStinks.

OP posts:
RabidChinchilla · 22/04/2020 20:47

To be fair, one of my best mates is male and I could never even think about dating him despite him being good looking, well off, funny, etc. He’s just too much of a lad for me but we have each other in hysterics as friends.

However, I did live with him and his partner for a year while looking for a house. Me and him had originally been housemates, each renting a room in a shared house, and we then moved into another house just the two of us as we got on so well. I get on with his partner too, but not nearly as well as him, and I often meet him on his own for drinks as he likes to let his hair down every few months. I knew him long before he got together with her and he’s maintained our friendship despite having a partner. I hope she’s not jealous. 😂

RabidChinchilla · 22/04/2020 20:49

Do people really think the OPs partner is shagging an old woman?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/04/2020 20:54

I am not sure if he is having sex with her

I think he wants a closer relationship with her. Might be a shock to some but some men find older women attractive too

Doggybiccys · 22/04/2020 21:00

OP you are free to post as often as you like but ask yourself what is it you are hoping to achieve through posting? It is glaringly obvious that he is taking the piss and totally disrespecting you. Maybe try posting in relationships for advice and support in LTB once this crisis is over?

Livpool · 22/04/2020 21:10

I would leave. Whether there is a sexual spark or not - she is more important to him than you. You deserve more than to be second best

bluebeck · 22/04/2020 21:53

Do people really think the OPs partner is shagging an old woman?

She is 44 Rabid Grin

And OPs DP is only ten years younger.

theriverthames · 22/04/2020 22:00

I see her as old maybe that is the problem Confused

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/04/2020 22:06

You really have been tolerating this for too long OP. Why? This man clearly is infatuated with another woman and you are just sitting there?

I am older than 44 but here's a list of some 44 year old women who might change your mind about how attractive she might be!!!

Angelina Jolie.
Emma Willis
Christina Hendricks
Reese Witherspoon.
Kate Winslet.
Charlize Theron.
Keeley Hawes
Isla Fisher.

RabidChinchilla · 23/04/2020 01:23

She is 44Rabid

Oops, not even a cougar then... 😳

boredinthehouseinthehousebored · 23/04/2020 02:04

He is attracted to her. You are being naive. Pack up your stuff and go home. You are putting up with something most women wouldn't. Don't let him erode your self esteem this way.

welliesarefuntowear · 23/04/2020 07:59

My partner started an affair with an older woman, she is 57 I think. They don't always chase after young women. I couldn't get my head round it, but he kept saying they were friends. Don't put up with his bulls shit. He wants her. You deserve better. And at some point...he will realise he has made a mistake so be ready for "the script". Sorry OP. Don't put your head in the sand. You'll just make yourself miserable.

ambereeree · 23/04/2020 09:59

OP have you posted about this before. Otherwise it seems a common issue for male colleagues to fancy older colleagues

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