Brother refusing to get a job that is beneath him

[GettingFatterByTheDay]

My brother is just about to finish uni and is due to move back home. He does not have a job and has outright admitted that he has no intentions of getting one unless it’s in the field he studied for. He said he will not waste his time working as a shelf stacker. Because of this my dad is reluctant to let him come home as he has just taken a massive pay cut and may lose his own job. My mum is working extra hours in a job she doesn’t particularly love either to keep them afloat. Mum feels guilty telling him he can’t go home and wants me to agree with her due to the current situation but his attitude stinks. He’s told her he’d rather be homeless than work in a shit job that is “below him” and be eternally unhappy laying the guilt trip on. AIBU to agree with my dad here? Times are hard for everyone right now, I doubt many people are living the life of Riley at the minute!! Either he gets a job, any job or should live elsewhere surely?

And yet on MN so many are aghast at the idea of students working whilst studying, 'They need to focus on their studies!'

well, they do, but it only means they are much better doing internship or work experience of some kind, even unpaid. Not that they should do nothing.

Grad programs are evolving and operating, the job market hasn’t closed down, has your bro been applying for roles?

My db, whom I love all the world, is the same. He’s now almost 45, living with our parents, occasional pieces of work in his chosen field. Hasn’t earned enough in last few years to pay tax (Self employer). No long term relationship. It really doesn’t help mental health.

They are doing him no favours with the softly softly approach! For his own good be tough now.

Can you suggest he tries tutoring in his subjects - if he has the aptitude for it. He would need to be invested in learner progress.

Tell your brother that us supermarket workers have proven our worth the past few weeks.

We have students working with us studying everything from history to law and they usually stay after graduation until they get a job in their chosen field.

Regardless of what he's studied surely experience of working is better to have on your CV rather than leave it blank? Plus whatever job he's going into he's going to be starting at the bottom so he'd better change his attitude pretty fast if he wants to do well.

but this guy hasn’t even got home from uni yet.

do you know how many CVs from students - who haven't even finished yet - I already got on my desk...

Some people are super keen and very proactive! It usually pays off if they can back it up

My brother has a PhD but when he was unemployed after graduating he did call centre work until he got a job in his field. He kept going as he wanted to be earning.

My DH wanted to change career and unfortunately his search was put on hold by recruiters during cv lockdown so right now he’s doing call centre work at home. He bloody hates it but roofs over our heads, food and fuel aren’t free!

Well the guy has probably had his head filled with you must get a degree or you will never amount to anything at school. His uni have probably banged on about how in demand degrees from X uni are. So I can understand why he thinks that, but meanwhile in the real world...

My sister got a first from Oxford and had retail jobs during her first year after graduating. She was doing work experience in her field too and then got on a grad scheme. But it took a year with a first from oxford.

Shelf stackers and their ilk are the unsung heroes who are keeping this country afloat right now with 41% of employees in the private sector being funded by the taxpayer. And he thinks it’s “beneath him”? He needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Yeah I am a grad employer too. We have no idea whether this man has been applying for graduate roles, just that he doesn’t have a job lined up yet, which may well be due to the current crisis.

Surely this is between your brother and your parents. Whether you agree with your dad or not, I don’t see why you need to become involved?

His attitude sucks. No job is beneath him. I’ve always worked through university and the summer after graduating I continued working in a bar until I started my job as a junior doctor. (I still maintain that hospitality is more stressful than medicine). If I was your parents I probably wouldn’t let him home either

Both me and my sibling were quite intelligent and capable (or so I thought). My sibling was the one with education, made redundant during recession and never worked again as all the jobs offered were too mundane.
The money I earned in one of this worthless jobs was used to keep both of us fed and pay the bills.

Finally I walked. Had enough of supporting lazy arses in my life.

He’s told her he’d rather be homeless than work in a shit job that is “below him” and be eternally unhappy laying the guilt trip on

That's his choice made then isn't it!

He also doesn't seem smart enough to realise that when it comes to careers you often have to play the long game.

I came out of uni in 2008 to a grad job paying £14k a year for 12 hour days. I did it with a smile on my face thinking about the long game and 7 years and 4 job changes / promotions later I started my own business.

My friends who started their own business too soon without the commercial experience and interpersonal skills to do so are all back in jobs they hate now because they weren't willing to put the graft in early on, it was up to the rest of the world to notice how incredibly special they were.

If he is so arrogant and entitled that he's said he would rather be homeless than stack shelves then the best thing your family can do is tell him to crack on then.

I would bet his version of homeless is couch surfing between the homes of mates who are doing what most of us do in our 20s (and beyond) - cracking the fuck on and hoping it leads to a better life in the long run!

I think it does depend on his degree - computer software and engineering firms have posted new graduate jobs in the last few hours; starting salaries from £25,000 - £29,000. I wouldn't expect the young man to 'sub' his father - realistically how much extra will he cost the family in a lock down situation - £100/£200 pm? Perhaps he has that amount to give them already.

His attitude is terrible, however, at this current time, I confess I would be reluctant to apply for supermarket work... not for any snobby reasons (I've cleaned, washed up in restaurants, done ironing etc and think as long as the work is honest, it isn't "beneath" anyone) but right now I would be too scared to work in a supermarket for all the health risks. Could it be bravado rather than a genuine aversion to hard work?

Is he applying for jobs or is he just waiting until Covid "blows over"? (which could be months and months yet.) What is he planning on doing for money? Is he planning to live on savings/credit cards/your parents/benefits/gambling...? He needs a wake up call, but not sure I would wish homelessness on anyone, let alone a sibling.

I would point out to him that homeless he won't get any job never mind a graduate job. He may however get an alcohol problem/drug addiction/beaten up/sexually assaulted. Then tell him to grow up.

point out to him how extremely unattractive it is to potential girlfriends to be living with and leeching off of Mom and Dad.

Very true.

I've never dated anyone with such a poor attitude to working, not least because they can't pay their way on dates/activities which is really boring!

I've had exes who were in low paid/nmw jobs when I've been in better paid work and we've adjusted what activities we did accordingly, not a problem but no way would I be interested in a sponger.

And echoing what others said, attitude matters. I always had multiple part time jobs and I also did (unpaid) internships paid for by my waitressing / bar work.

That led to three firm job offers ready for me to walk into when I graduated. Low paid, high hour jobs, but ones that set me on the path I had carved out.

I was very lucky to have been guided by a good teacher from foster care into being the first person in my family to finish GCSEs let alone get a degree. So I'm not saying this with a silver spoon in my mouth.

I feel sorry sometimes for people who have a perception that life owes them a living because they never learn the grafting tools that are so important in the long run.

I was able in interviews to tell interviewers how I set up a babysitting club at school, how I would buy donuts on the way in with my babysitting and sell them to the kids who got pocket money for a profit. I used the hands I was dealt for the benefit of my future.

He needs a shock to the system. He'd be stacking shelves alongside people who are vastly better qualified than him and they would be an employer's choice over him because they've shown they have work ethic and are proactive.

My dh has/had a fantastic career, he’s well paid and respected in his field.
Due to covid-19 he can’t currently do his job (can’t wfh). He’s taken a supermarket job. He’s working with others in similar situations with various backgrounds. He is loving it.
I understand your mum struggling to say no but she’s not doing him any favours. He’s a big boy.

The days when a graduate can work in a supermarket and class it as work experience for a grad scheme are decades gone. He absolutely needs relevant experience. Not sure why he you don’t want him to come home to get this sorted - do you always tell your dad what to do?

Wow he is a complete dick!
Any work experience is better then nothing.
Does he not realise that he will have to explain periods of unemployment?
With that attitude he won't pass an interview!

My BIL had this attitude at the end of uni. Did something in IT and openly told anyone who would listen that he'd not accept any job paying less than £40k (for a brand new grad with no relevant work experience). That was 2012, think he's still looking

The days when a graduate can work in a supermarket and class it as work experience for a grad scheme are decades gone.

Yup. I interview for law jobs and while some candidates do put supermarket-type jobs on their CV, they don’t count one way or another for us. We would only look at grades and relevant experience. I would be surprised if it’s any different in any technical field.

I know someone like this, will only work as a manager, for 30k+ a year, in walking distance. He worked as a manager in a pub for a year, was given the job as a favour to his parents, and was sacked on the spot for something he said - no idea what but must be bad!
I think they just don’t want to work so set unrealistic conditions of jobs they will do.