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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so hurt?

118 replies

ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 16:22

My DP and I have been together for almost 2.5 years, having met online. We're both in our early 40s, he's been married before and has 2 DCs, I haven't, and have none. We both own our own homes, and live about 6 miles away from each other, I live alone (with a cat!), he has his DC part time (he works shifts, so it's not regular, but it's about 50% of the time).

We didn't see each other for the 1st 10 days of lockdown, trying to be good citizens, but it got too difficult (we have a very active sex life, amongst other things!) so he suggested I go over and then stay at his, which I did on 28th March. I stayed for about 2.5 weeks, only popping home twice (by bicycle, so no risk of infecting others!) to sort out the cat. It was pretty fine living together, considering, except for one thing: he refuses to kiss me! No other sexual activity has stopped. Well, I've refused to give him any bj's since he introduced that rule, obviously! And he's always refused to go down on me, but apart from that, full sex life has continued, just without any kissing on the lips.

He says it's because he's worried about me giving it to him - which annoys me, because I literally see no one apart from him, his kids & my cat, and I wash my hands assiduously & frequently - and about him giving it to me (he's a frontline police officer). My main counter point is that it's ridiculous when we're having sex and sleeping in the same way, as we're just as likely to pass it to each other that way as we are kissing. He says he really wants to kiss me, but I just can't believe him, and it's putting a real wedge between us because I feel that if he really did want to kiss me, he would, and this can only be an excuse, but that's because his rationale makes no sense at all to me and I can't believe he really thinks it?

So, AIBU to feel to angry and hurt, or does anyone else also think that kissing is much more risky than any other interaction?! Is anyone else interacting with their partner differently since this how covid-19 business started?! Sad

OP posts:
Idontbelieveit12 · 20/04/2020 18:14

You are putting yourself at risk by going to the house of a policeman who could be coming into contact with covid while on duty. You can’t exactly stay 2 metres away from someone you’re arresting.

Vanilla95 · 20/04/2020 18:16

Pet feeders can fail - cats can get stuck in places you wouldn’t expect so leaving them alone for over 4 days is not on .
It’s not just their physical health either they like company and affection .
Bet you don’t have a cat flap so they are out all night which is when they get run over and into fights.
Your a terrible owner I despair of your pathetic justifications.
Oh and your just a shag to BF - of course he’s lovely what else will get you into bed .
Raise the bar on your life .

Spaceprincess · 20/04/2020 18:19

I'd rather live alone with a cat than have a bf that wouldn't go down on me.
You both sound like dicks tbh, stop putting people at risk and look after your poor cat.

Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 18:19

Cats should be in overnight.
You shouldn’t be round his house.
I don’t care about your sex life.

Original poster
ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 18:20

@vanilla95 I do have a cat flap - how else would she get in and out while I was at work?! But fair shout on the other stuff, I've learnt my lesson, and I'll make sure I either have a house sitter or she's in a cattery if I'm going to be away more than 24 hours in future - if we're ever allowed to leave again, of course!! I appreciate your other comments, though, all good points. I'm going to go away and think about all this and how to fix, or leave, my relationship so it works for both of us/ I can be happy when the lockdown's over.

I'm going to log off mumsnet for tonight now, though, for the sake of my mental health!

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 20/04/2020 18:23

He is an idiot clearly, but YABVU in every other way by choosing to ignore lockdown and abandoning your poor cat. Awful.

bettybattenburg · 20/04/2020 18:23

I haven't been home twice for the cat, looking back at my google timeline (which I hadn't done when I wrote the post) it looks like I went back 4 times before I came home to stay on Wednesday.

OP I think you need a plumber, I'm sure I can hear a dripping tap.

I actually put out a glass bowl with fridge cold water for the first 2 days, then have ice in the water fountain, so it does her for the following 2-3.

Good for you. What do you think would have happened if she had spilt it? How do you think she felt having a filthy litter tray because the person suppose to be looking after her puts her need for sex over everything else.

You disgust me.

Patsypie · 20/04/2020 18:24

You shouldn't own a cat! How cruel and selfish of you!

MandalaYogaTapestry · 20/04/2020 18:26

The post is not about the cat! Jesus fucking Christ. Can we get on the actual subject?

(And I have cats myself.)

OP, YANBU. I would feel hurt and I would definitely not be having sex with him without kissing.

DontRockTheB0at · 20/04/2020 18:47

If someone otherwise lives alone then why can’t they continue to stay over at their boyfriends house? Obviously if they have a housemate or are staying over at two boyfriends houses that’s no good, but if she’s genuinely living alone then what’s the problem?

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/04/2020 18:51

OP, your DP is silly and selfish. Expects more from you than what he is willing to give.

As for covid, you won't give it to him but he will likely give it to you based on his frontlines job. So the risk of transmission is there but him to you rather than you to him. And not kissing will not prevent this.

peppermintcapsules · 20/04/2020 18:52

Sounds like a guy who has sex with hookers - won't kiss on the lips or go down but expects you to suck his cock. What shit shag. I'd rather pleasure myself that shag a selfish twat like this. Can't believe you think that's the best there is out there, not to mention breaking lockdown and leaving your cat for that lousy lay.

Rose789 · 20/04/2020 18:58

I haven’t seen my husband and my daughters haven’t seen their dad for over 5 weeks. He’s a frontline worker and can’t risk passing it to me.
But you get to go your boyfriends house for a shag? I hope when your neighbors take photos of your cat they also send them to rspca as well. It’s neglectful and straight up cruel to leave a cat for so long.

Chloemol · 20/04/2020 19:01

Your poor cat, it’s wrong to just abandon it, it’s wrong to move households whilst in lockdown, you are selfish

peppermintcapsules · 20/04/2020 19:13

On top of buying his claptrap about not kissing you due to the virus but having sex with you and sleeping in the same bed with you. C'mon, no one is this dense as to believe this? It's everywhere all the news that it's in droplets of air and you breathe these in. His introduction of this rule is a huge red flag, but the no oral although expecting it from you? Get real.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 20/04/2020 19:16

I'd rather live alone with a cat than have a bf that wouldn't go down on me.

Amen

BovaryX · 20/04/2020 19:21

the post is not about the cat! Jesus fucking Christ. Can we get on the actual subject?

Er actually, it is. The OP has described visiting her cat for twice in 2.5 weeks. This has been revised upwards after consulting her 'Google timeline.' Abandoning one's pet is indicative of selfishness and irresponsibility. To do it to service a copper who doesn't kiss on the mouth? That's beyond parody.

TomTomRunner · 20/04/2020 19:23

He's a policeman and worried about you giving him the virus in kiss whilst you breach the rules?

Put the DC first maybe and not your sex lives? How about you both agreeing that you should not visit because that in itself might spread the virus, that makes much more sense.

What a pair of muppets. Confused

JasonPollack · 20/04/2020 19:26

Bar your shitty pet ownership I would not be shagging anyone who didn't give me the intimacy of a kiss. You're basically a wank sock to him.

Also why is he only concerned by you giving it to him? What about him giving it to you? He sounds very selfish with some serious issues. About what I'd expect from a copper though.

bettybattenburg · 20/04/2020 19:30

the post is not about the cat! Jesus fucking Christ. Can we get on the actual subject?

The OP might not want it to be about the cat but in her opening post she has openly pointed out that she is neglecting her cat. Therefore the thread has taken the direction of being concerned for the cat's welfare. If the OP doesn't like that then she should look after the cat and not abandon it for a lousy shag.

BertiesLanding · 20/04/2020 19:39

@ZiaMcnab - I actually think your boyfriend's refusal to kiss you is some kind of misguided bargain he has with himself to justify you both breaking guidelines by being there.

BertiesLanding · 20/04/2020 19:39

In other words, it's guilt.

Crystal87 · 20/04/2020 19:42

Cat and lockdown aside, the only time I didn't want to kiss a partner was when I was no longer attracted to them and my feelings were dying.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 20/04/2020 19:54

The cat's welfare has been covered extensively. The OP is feeling hurt by her boyfriend's behaviour. She came to ask about that, not about cat keeping. She still got plenty advice on the latter.

How about we now move on to her relationship issues and try helping her to resolve them? Like she asked in the first place?

BovaryX · 20/04/2020 20:05

She came to ask about that, not about cat keeping

Maybe the two are linked? As in they both are indicative of lack of judgement? The OP's disregard for her cat has assumed centre stage because she is responsible for its well being. Her dysfunctional relationship with the cop who doesn't kiss is a subsidiary event.