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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so hurt?

118 replies

ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 16:22

My DP and I have been together for almost 2.5 years, having met online. We're both in our early 40s, he's been married before and has 2 DCs, I haven't, and have none. We both own our own homes, and live about 6 miles away from each other, I live alone (with a cat!), he has his DC part time (he works shifts, so it's not regular, but it's about 50% of the time).

We didn't see each other for the 1st 10 days of lockdown, trying to be good citizens, but it got too difficult (we have a very active sex life, amongst other things!) so he suggested I go over and then stay at his, which I did on 28th March. I stayed for about 2.5 weeks, only popping home twice (by bicycle, so no risk of infecting others!) to sort out the cat. It was pretty fine living together, considering, except for one thing: he refuses to kiss me! No other sexual activity has stopped. Well, I've refused to give him any bj's since he introduced that rule, obviously! And he's always refused to go down on me, but apart from that, full sex life has continued, just without any kissing on the lips.

He says it's because he's worried about me giving it to him - which annoys me, because I literally see no one apart from him, his kids & my cat, and I wash my hands assiduously & frequently - and about him giving it to me (he's a frontline police officer). My main counter point is that it's ridiculous when we're having sex and sleeping in the same way, as we're just as likely to pass it to each other that way as we are kissing. He says he really wants to kiss me, but I just can't believe him, and it's putting a real wedge between us because I feel that if he really did want to kiss me, he would, and this can only be an excuse, but that's because his rationale makes no sense at all to me and I can't believe he really thinks it?

So, AIBU to feel to angry and hurt, or does anyone else also think that kissing is much more risky than any other interaction?! Is anyone else interacting with their partner differently since this how covid-19 business started?! Sad

OP posts:
ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 17:35

@19lottie82 Really? I know loads of cat owners; leaving a cat for 4 or 5 days is really common in my world, it's one of the main advantages of having a cat rather than a dog, and the whole reason I got an adult cat that had been living entirely alone (in someone's shed) for several weeks before she was taken to the rescue centre. I sometimes don't see her for a couple of days even when I am home!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/04/2020 17:35

so no need to worry about her!

And what about people then me OP, do you worry that yore selfish behaviour is risking lives?

Womenwotlunch · 20/04/2020 17:36

Your boyfriend sounds strange tbh.
Doesn’t want to kiss you, but is ok shagging you,
So he wants to receive pleasure, but is not interested in pleasuring you.
Get rid

SharonasCorona · 20/04/2020 17:42

@PennyGold

so now we have the 'full story' am I allowed to disapprove of someone leaving a pet for so long to break lockdown rules to have sex?

Fine to disapprove but NEVER ok to call someone vile.

artistformerlyknownas · 20/04/2020 17:42

Oh look at that - update, and it's actually double the visits, and there's a 6 day feeder, a fountain, and a friendly neighbour who looks after the cat and sends photos.

(I don't really know what a Google calendar is but did you write on it "went to feed the cat" each time just in case you might be quizzed by mumsnet at some point in the future?!)

I don't believe you're being entirely truthful, but I still think you are unreasonable for mixing households unnecessarily.

Amotherof6 · 20/04/2020 17:42
  1. Your poor cat - you leave it sex and you leave it for an extended period. Perhaps you shouldn't be responsible for a cat!
  2. You say full sex life but the partner refusing to go down on you which you say is normal/he refuses to kiss you so you refuse BJ's..... do you always use refusal as a way to manage your 'full sex life'?
  3. Your partner sounds a right idiot - he thinks by not kissing that he won't get the virus. Has he missed the how this virus is transmitted whole advice - was he asleep?
  4. Maybe you have bad breath and he is using the virus as an excuse - seems pretty dopey to think that by stopping kissing he is safe - if it were only so simple this virus could have been stopped dead weeks ago.
ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 17:44

Sorry, got side-tracked by all the cat comments. The sex life comment was really just for context in terms of the kissing, I'm definitely not just going over to his for a shag, we really enjoy spending time together and properly miss each other when we don't see each other for more than a couple of days in normal times.

I know it's not strictly following the guidelines, but I don't interact with anyone at all when I'm between places; I go to and from his by bike, and I really don't see anyone else at all. And I really am so, so careful about washing my hands and not touching my face, and minimising what I touch when I'm outside home. And I virtually never go to the shops even. I would obviously have just moved into his for the whole lockdown if it wasn't for my cat. But I have to take the abuse for that, I know it's not strictly right, I think we just kid ourselves that the fact I live completely alone means the risk isn't not there Blush

OP posts:
Amotherof6 · 20/04/2020 17:44
  1. The most important thing is that you mixing households.... do you and police officer not have to follow the same guidelines as the rest of us?
Scruffyoak · 20/04/2020 17:45

Wtf why have you left your cat?

bumblebeefairy · 20/04/2020 17:45

I am hoping this isn't a serious post. YABU to risk others lives for a few weeks of your sex life. YABU to treat your cat like that.

PennyGold · 20/04/2020 17:47

Leaving a cat for over two weeks (bar four 'visits') to break lockdown rules to have sex is vile.
@SharonasCorona

Amotherof6 · 20/04/2020 17:49

Scruffyoak Mon 20-Apr-20 17:45:04
Wtf why have you left your cat?

She left the cat for a shag with her oddball police officer boyfriend who thinks that if he doesn't kiss he won't get the virus... refuses to go down but expects her to go down on him and will gladly mix households so they can shag - both missing the stay at home message

ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 17:50

@Amotherof6 Thanks, I appreciate that reply, it's very considered and polite (sorry if that sounds sarcastic, it's really not!)

  1. I know, but I've had her way longer than I've known him, and now really isn't the time to try to rehome a cat, right?! Plus I really do love her, and she really is totally fine on her own for 4 or 5 days - she voluntarily spends most of her time outside of my house.
  2. Yeah, I know, it's not great is it Sad But now doesn't feel like the time to be making big changes to me, and that aspect of our sex life is the only thing that really bothered me about our relationship before the no kissing thing.
  3. Thanks, that's good to hear, tbh, (and thanks very much to all pp's who said the same) I thought I was going crazy being so insistent he's so wrong!
  4. Maybe! I have asked him, though, and he says no, plus he doesn't have a problem with me breathing on him. And I do have pretty good dental hygiene!
OP posts:
Dozer · 20/04/2020 17:52

Coviodiots.

Finewine1976 · 20/04/2020 17:53

Could it be you have halitosis?

firsttimemum30 · 20/04/2020 17:54

I had a cat and the water machines don't last 7 days! It gets stale after 2 despite the filter. Plus it gets full of cats hair, cats are fussy clean animals and can refuse water like this, mine did that's why I would ask family to pop in daily to change water etc if I was away. Bf doesn't sound worth it either tbh.

ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 17:55

@artistformerlyknownas it's not the calendar I checked, it's my timeline in Google Maps, so I can see when I made the journey from his to mine; it happens automatically if you have google maps on your phone and are logged into Google. My neighbour doesn't look after the cat, just gives me updates on her cos he likes her. I used to go away a lot when I was single (which I was for quite a few years before I met my current DP) so I had to get all those feeders etc, as it's not always possible to find someone to pop in on her regularly enough without them

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 20/04/2020 17:55

Regardless of the cat, you should NOT be mixing households. Stay home and look after your cat.

ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 17:58

@firsttimemum30 I actually put out a glass bowl with fridge cold water for the first 2 days, then have ice in the water fountain, so it does her for the following 2-3. She definitely drinks from it, and isn't messy with it, so I don't know, maybe I just got lucky, but she's never been in anything other than excellent health (I last took her for a check up at the vet in February).

OP posts:
ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 18:01

OK, ok, I get it, I'll stay at home till the lockdown's lifted (have been here since Weds, and was thinking I'd probably do that anyway), so you can stop having a go at me for that, sorry, I really didn't think it would be that big a deal when I'm not going on public transport, or interacting with anyone apart from my DP, but I have to acknowledge I was just allowing myself to believe that cos it was nicer for me; lesson learnt, sorry Blush

OP posts:
picklejimmy · 20/04/2020 18:01

"Leaving food down or using an automated feeder can be appropriate for certain cats for short periods of time ,” suggests a PDSA spokesperson. “However, we’d advise against relying solely on this.”

Meanwhile, the RSPCA suggests never leaving pets home alone, even with an automated feeder, “as if the cat becomes sick or injured there is no-one there to help”.
Found on a guide for going on holiday when you have a cat.

HMSSophie · 20/04/2020 18:01

You're vvvvvu to accept a man who wants but won't give oral sex.

ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 18:02

And thank you to those of you that also addressed my actual question, that's really helped and I foresee some challenging zoom conversation in DP & my future!

OP posts:
ZiaMcnab · 20/04/2020 18:09

@picklejimmy oh god, I had no idea. OK, guess I'll have to put her in a cattery if I can't find a house sitter next time I go away (whenever that may be!). I thought leaving a feeder down would be less cruel than a cattery (she's such an outdoor cat!) - and it can be really hard to find people to house sit round me - but that's probably based on very old information. Well, this has been instructive, thank you!

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 20/04/2020 18:10

If he's a police officer and he's breaking rules he's a dick in more ways than one.
As lots of others have said , why bother with acat if you are so easily distracted from looking afterit
You say you don't come into contact with anyone on your journeys home.
If he's a PC he's coming into contact with multiple people every day, he could give you the virus and you could die , then your beloved cat has got no one Confused