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Original poster

DH is lying and I can't figure out what about

114 replies

kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 16:06

DH is hiding something, several times I have gone downstairs, he hasn't heard me coming and he quickly clicks off something on his phone.

I caught him using an anonymous chat site a year ago which was weird but forgivable as long as he didn't do it again.

I know how iPhones work and how I can see everything he's clicked on at certain times. So I asked him clearly what he was hiding. He said he had been gambling (he knows I have an issue with this, but I also know where all his money is so I know it's not any more than the profits from his matched betting). It felt like he revealed one truth to hide the real, relationship-impacting truth.
I checked his battery for the past hour which includes when I shocked him and he hid something and I could see he hadn't been on anything suspicious.

But I've had this feeling for a while - it's now the third time in a week I've caught him off guard and he's quickly hidden something and looks so guilty. I need to know what he was doing.

He wouldn't access (and doesn't use) safari on his iphone, this is because I caught him on that site a year ago and he was trying to prove he couldn't go on it again.

So my only suspicion is that he's accessing a website through an app - the apps he is using are all news apps like Guardian.
Can someone help me here? I know I sound crazy but I really need to know.

Thanks

OP posts:
Frangipaniflower · 20/04/2020 17:51

Even if he isn't doing anything this is more about the fact that you dont trust him and how that makes you feel.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 20/04/2020 17:51

@Rubyroost "it's neither. I just told you I was gambling" denial right there.

thedancingbear · 20/04/2020 17:57

Even if he isn't doing anything this is more about the fact that you dont trust him and how that makes you feel.

So he's in the wrong, whether or not he's done anything wrong?

How does that work?

willowmelangell · 20/04/2020 18:02

I understand your concern.
He 'confessed' to gambling. But you checked and it wasn't gambling.
Like a toddler, he suggested the minimum naughty you would accept and get over. But it was a smoke screen, a diversion, a tactic to stop you understanding what he really was doing.
So since he is right in front of you, not meeting 'someone'.

Worse than gambling, but less than meeting someone.
Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. You are not crazy.

StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 18:06

I kind of get the need to know. It’s head wrecking and it’s important to know facts so OP can make a decision. It’s really not as simple as do you trust someone or not. If someone crosses a line and OPs decided to stay, then she has a level in her head of degree of trust she accepts.

I think it can demean the instincts of the OP to say it’s about her trust levels. It’s about whether her DH is online again or not. And if he isn’t, then she can learn to trust more. If he is, she gets to decide.

Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 18:17

@willowme thank you this is what is happening.

I am not monitoring him - he gave me his phone and said check what I was doing and we both know how to as we are both good with phones, him better.

OP posts:
Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 18:20

His work is for children, the app is a safeguarded app to communicate with children in a monitored way to ensure they are learning. So it's definitely not that!

It's also not the game, it's a football one and has no ability to communicate with anyone.

I just need to know. There's so many times on here where women get a feeling, people say they should trust DH or something and then later she finds it and it's home wrecking. I simply need to know to make my decision.

I'd love to find out I'm paranoid and just wrong but I know that won't happen.
If I find out it's just some deeper gambling I genuinely wouldn't care, I know he isn't spending any other money than his profits so it's his choice he just knows I hate gambling which explains secrecy. But I have a feeling it's not...

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/04/2020 18:23

OP maybe he isnt upto anything.Maybe he knows if he looks like he is guilty it sends you off into check mode and he is getting a kick out of seeing you het up.sort of narsassistic behaviour,Maybe he gets a sly kick out of taunting you.If my dh was hiding something he wouldnt let me catch him,yours is if you get my drift.Either way its not a healthy relationship.Raise the bar and find someone who makes you feel special and wanted andis open and the relief you get when you never have to check again is wonderful.My best bet is he is taunting you with nothing for his own amusement. He is trying to drive you insane dont let him..get out of there.He sounds like he is punishing you for catching him out last time.

kittensinspace · 20/04/2020 18:32

Maybe after the whole weird sex website thing, he's extra conscious when you walk into the room and shuts down his phone automatically...?

Mildly off-topic, but I had a very controlling, snoopy mother when I was a teen and I always switched off my laptop/phone screen when she walked in the room or she'd quiz me about what I was doing. I still do it now and it would definitely look suspicious to an outsider. Usually I'm just on shopping apps like Asos, but I just can't help feeling like I'll be judged if my partner sees.

JemimaPuddleCat · 20/04/2020 18:33

Maybe he's just scared of the OP.

Summersunandoranges · 20/04/2020 18:34

I recommend a book called too good to leave too bad too stay.

It’s an eye opener. Don’t base your decision to leave on one factor. Read the book. You will absolutely know if you want to leave or not regardless if he is fucking about on secret apps. I’m gutted I didn’t read it years ago and kept waiting for ^that one piece of evidence’

BlueJava · 20/04/2020 18:43

I think the Guardian has a dating site - is he on that?

Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 18:51

No I'm sure it's not that, he's also 31 so I think he'd be using something aimed towards younger people. He also wouldn't use anything that shows who he is as we are in an area I grew up (he grew up 300 miles away!) so I know someone who would be on it so I'd eventually find out - he wouldn't risk that. It would be an anonymous or cheating specific app as it was before.

OP posts:
Goingunderground2 · 20/04/2020 18:51

Could you be paranoid?

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 20/04/2020 18:54

Your marriage sounds over just from your opening post. What a miserably paranoid way to live.

boomchikawowwow · 20/04/2020 18:54

Someone I knew was had a messaging app that showed up as a news icon on her screen. Could he be doing something like this?

Pinkyxx · 20/04/2020 19:01

Try whatsapp and chrome history, I use this to check DD's browsing history, can see every site she's visited. Ref the Guardian, don't they have a dating thing linked to the paper?

Fantasiaa · 20/04/2020 19:02

😂😂😂 honestly imagine being in a marriage and being so paranoid.

Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 19:04

@Fantasiaa honestly why bother? I am obviously hurt and upset

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 20/04/2020 19:05

It's an odd ball set up you have there, all this checking up on things, the guy being secretive, you wanting some proof of things, what kind of life is that? Must be so crappy to have all this in your life. I think I would just chuck the phone on the fire, well in my woodburner. !

Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 19:05

I would say I'm not paranoid as something did come out as him hiding - the gambling. Which he would have been doing secretly but I don't think that's what he's been actually clicking off from.

If I actually find something all the paranoid shouters will pipe down

OP posts:
testing987654321 · 20/04/2020 19:09

The thing is your behaviour is not that of a person in a equal relationship. I have been there when my ex lied to me, it drove me insane because something wasn't quite right. It was the final nail in the coffin of the relationship.

You need to decide what you want from this, have a proper talk with him to try to resolve the issue.
If you don't trust him the relationship is broken anyway.

Lockheart · 20/04/2020 19:10

What are you looking for?

Confirmation that he's done something bad enough for you to leave him?

Or confirmation that you're paranoid and controlling?

Either way, this is a no-win game for you.

Say you satisfy yourself this time that he's done nothing wrong. What happens the next time you see something you think is suspicious, or the time after that? You can't go through the rest of your life looking over his shoulder just in case. It's not healthy.

You don't need to be checking his phone, you need to be in relationship counselling.

Mordred · 20/04/2020 19:14

You need to split. I feel sorry for you both. What a hideous torture chamber.

Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 19:19

More than anything I need to know I'm not imagining it, it's for my own sanity more than anything else

OP posts:
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