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Original poster

DH is lying and I can't figure out what about

114 replies

kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 16:06

DH is hiding something, several times I have gone downstairs, he hasn't heard me coming and he quickly clicks off something on his phone.

I caught him using an anonymous chat site a year ago which was weird but forgivable as long as he didn't do it again.

I know how iPhones work and how I can see everything he's clicked on at certain times. So I asked him clearly what he was hiding. He said he had been gambling (he knows I have an issue with this, but I also know where all his money is so I know it's not any more than the profits from his matched betting). It felt like he revealed one truth to hide the real, relationship-impacting truth.
I checked his battery for the past hour which includes when I shocked him and he hid something and I could see he hadn't been on anything suspicious.

But I've had this feeling for a while - it's now the third time in a week I've caught him off guard and he's quickly hidden something and looks so guilty. I need to know what he was doing.

He wouldn't access (and doesn't use) safari on his iphone, this is because I caught him on that site a year ago and he was trying to prove he couldn't go on it again.

So my only suspicion is that he's accessing a website through an app - the apps he is using are all news apps like Guardian.
Can someone help me here? I know I sound crazy but I really need to know.

Thanks

OP posts:
SuperficialSuzie · 20/04/2020 17:09

Could he be chatting on a game app to someone? Friends DH deleted messenger and whatsapp etc as 'proof he wasn't contacting OW' and he was only using his phone to play scrabble....where he was messaging OW rather than actually playing.

bluebeck · 20/04/2020 17:10

I don't understand.

Why do you think you need "evidence" to leave him? Confused

his behaviour has already been totally unacceptable and unsurprisingly you no longer trust him. Your marriage is over. You don't need any more than that either legally or morally.

Being unhappy is enough of a reason to split up- kids or no kids. The courts don't give a shiny shit who did what to whom (unless it is really extreme) when deciding on financial agreements.

Get lawyered up and exit this relationshit. Life really is too short for all this sneaking around looking at his phone. Sad

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2020 17:12

You've probably already tried this, but just in case, google "secret hidden apps on iPhone" and see if anything on there is useful to you.

I was horrified a few years ago to discover that some apps can be used as "covers" for others, and it's bugged me ever since! Anyway, if you already know about it, great.

FOF44 · 20/04/2020 17:12

@kellydon6 Unfortunately the way I found out was to use the app we were using to monitor the children's pc usage. I put it onto his own pc on invisible mode...I soon discovered that his weekly Monday 'conference calls' that I must never intrude on were actually wanking sessions. So there probably are ways you can find out, depending on how devious you want to be. Personally, Im really glad I snooped.

Poppi89 · 20/04/2020 17:13

I don't understand why you need to know.
If you find something will you leave him?
If you don't find anything will you just drop it and stay with him?

It feels like you are just trying to find it to have an excuse to leave but what if there is something and he's just covered his tracks really well?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2020 17:14

@SuperficialSuzie - OMG, that scrabble app!! I have a friend who used to use that to actually play scrabble, and she'd keep on getting all these weird sleazy blokes coming on to her on there, rather than just playing! It seems that it's a "known" app for hooking up - ugh!

TheLadyAnneNeville · 20/04/2020 17:15

You do not trust him. The relationship is not viable, I’d say.

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 20/04/2020 17:18

You said his past behaviour was forgivable in your eyes but the level of control here is really concerning.
If it was a man looking for tips on tracking his wife there would be uproar.
Leave him if you don't trust him.

Esspee · 20/04/2020 17:24

Several months after OH moved in I became aware he was closing down his screen when I came into the room.
Turned out he was watching an osprey nesting site and presumably thought it rather lame.

Nowadays he keeps me up to date with the nesting pair.

Just saying it could be innocent.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 20/04/2020 17:26

@Esspee 😊

MargotEmin · 20/04/2020 17:26

I agree Dazed, maybe he's jumpy because he's frightened of you OP.

Original poster
kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 17:28

I need to know I'm not crazy. I'm not monitoring him- I just know how to use the phone to find things our

OP posts:
pooopypants · 20/04/2020 17:32

But you are monitoring him OP - you're checking his fucking battery level.

Why ARE you with him??

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/04/2020 17:33

TBH sounds like gambling rather than dating sites - maybe he's using them more in lockdown, and perceives it's getting out of hand or going that way?

Weird to stalk him/access his phone rather than have a conversation about it. Would you like it if he went though your phone and internet records?

supersop60 · 20/04/2020 17:37

Long shot - you haven't got a birthday or anything coming up? Planning a surprise?

Batshittery · 20/04/2020 17:38

Wow. If my DH was checking my phone like this - I'd be out of here. That's not what relationships are about in my opinion.

thedancingbear · 20/04/2020 17:40

I'm not monitoring him

Eh? On what planet aren't you monitoring him?

Rubyroost · 20/04/2020 17:41

So he's watching porn on incognito mode or on his sex chat again? Why don't you ask him rather than trying to pry. You won't find it if he's on incognito

supersop60 · 20/04/2020 17:41

EveryDayIaADuvetDay - having a conversation isn't always straightforward. How would you predict that the conversation would go?
OP - Why do you keep clicking off your phone when I come in?
DH - I'm not.
OP - yes you are, I saw you. Are you on that app again?
DH - No
OP - Show me
DH - What are you, my mother?
OP - I just want to know what you're hiding
DH - Nothing

etc etc.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2020 17:43

I'm not monitoring him

Yes, you are.

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 20/04/2020 17:45

You aren't crazy OP. He's given you an outright reason for suspicion and mistrust in the past. But that doesn't make your actions acceptable.
You can choose any reason at all for not wanting to be in a relationship any more. The other person does not need to agree or give permission. You can choose another life for yourself but as it is, you are both being (or have been) abusive to each other.

Rubyroost · 20/04/2020 17:46

@supersop60 convo is easy. Goes like this.
So what are you doing on incognito mode and flicking off when I come in? Is it porn or are you on that chat site again?

No room for denial.

cooldarkroom · 20/04/2020 17:48

Why can it not just be WhatsApp/Other ?

If OP has her spidey senses tingling, then she will look to prove he isn't lying.
I would call it reassuring myself he isn't cheating, lying, gambling.........

SeriouslyRetro · 20/04/2020 17:49

What's the work app? Is it specific to his organisation? Could there be some sort of messenger service on there that he's communicating with a colleague/other?

LellyMcKelly · 20/04/2020 17:50

Are you sure he doesn’t have an identical phone stashed away that’s full of depraved apps and he’s yanking himself to death while telling you he’s putting 50p each way on Dobbin?

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