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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my Father right to be angry at me ?

82 replies

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 17:15

I am 26 years old, have a baby and husband, I have moved out from my parents soonest I got married. My parents live not far from us, we normally visit eachother very often and call eachother every day, (I am very close to my mum ) but dad constantly has a problem with me, yesterday he got angry at me because he called me in the morning and I never called him back, I called back in the evening and we all had a group chat (me, my mum, my brother and my dad however he was not talking on the camera) I called my mum just now so she can see my baby on camera and chat and I asked for my dad, when my mother turned the camera on my dad he told me that he will not be talking to me with angry face , I think its ridiculous .
Am I right to feel that he acts like a child ? I have my own life and I am not on my phone 24/7 , I have my husband and baby, we are busy at home playing, cooking etc. I just dont get it, It was always like this, I feel so much pressure that he will get angry at me for anything .
Surely theres alot going on in everybodys lifes and he really think theres a need to be so angry for me because I didnt call him back in 1 day !!
Its not like we dont talk for days and I ignore him, We are all very close, we have a whatsapp group with closest family, we send pictures, we know whats happening in eachother lives I just dont understand why he neess to behave this way, He always feel the need to bring me down and make me feel guilty for such reason.
I care for them and I love them very much, its very hard for me tu understand this..
I told my mum what I think about it , he was next to her with grumpy face , my mum just said that surely I had a minute free to give him a call back !I dont get it, I shouldnt need to worrying about these kind of stuff?
Should I feel guilty just like he thinks ?

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 19/04/2020 17:22

It sounds as if you are almost too close to your parents. I know all families are different, but that amount of contact when you have a DH and a child seems excessive to me.

Your father seems jealous that you now have a DH and a child. He needs to accept the relationship you had when you lived at home isn't the same.

Did you never live away from home - at uni or with friends- before your marriage? If not, sounds as if your dad hasn't got used to the fact you are now an adult with a life away from him.

Are you in the UK? (A few expressions in your post suggest not but could be wrong.)

I know it's your life but for me, that amount of contact with my parents would be unusual. At your age I was living 100s miles away with a job and didn't have a child till I was in my 30s. My parents didn't expect that amount of contact, ever.

Original poster

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 17:27

@JinglingHellsBells Yes , I live in Uk. I never lived with my friends at uni because itbwas close to my home, and when I met my DH we didnt get own place because we both were saving..
I havent seen my parents in live because of Corona and the whole lockdown thing , I always thought that they were happy that we all been so close, sometimes when I call my mum and tell her something I need to also call my dad to tell him exactly the same even though they live together !!! but he will get angry for me and make me feel gulty that I called up my mum and not him. (They are married) I dont know if this is normal !
surely not..

OP posts:

SonEtLumiere · 19/04/2020 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mbosnz · 19/04/2020 17:29

I'm afraid that when people try to control my behaviour by emotionally manipulative tactics, I invariably back off and leave them to it. That's whether it's my parent, my sister, or my child.

Tanties will profit them not.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/04/2020 17:30

It can be 'normal' for some families but that doesn't mean it's right or that you can't change it.

I'd use your Mum as the go-between. Tell her how your dad is going on and tell both of them that you can't always talk to both of them in the day as you are busy.

Your dad is behaving like a spoilt child.

He needs to sort his head out!

Original poster

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 17:32

@JinglingHellsBells I tried many times but my mum just dont care and doesnt want to get inwolved. I am fed up with it

OP posts:

BogRollBOGOF · 19/04/2020 17:33

He needs to grow up. It is not a healthy dynamic.

nopenothappening · 19/04/2020 17:34

He sounds abusive.

Always walking on eggshells in case you make him angry, the emotional manipulation to control you...

cptartapp · 19/04/2020 17:34

This isn't a normal relationship. You see and speak with your parents every day!? You all know what's happening in each others' lives!? Sounds like absolute hell. Your DF is a controlling bully. You need to reset boundaries quick time.

nopenothappening · 19/04/2020 17:35

He should feel guilty for raising his daughter to believe this behaviour is normal.

Twiggy71 · 19/04/2020 17:36

Watching with interest Op as i have a dsis that is the same and it can be exhausting. You always feel like your in the wrong and apologising for nothing, i feel your pain.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/04/2020 17:38

Your dad is being controlling and emotionally manipulative and your mum is an appeaser/apologist for his emotional abuse.

You may think your constant calls and visits are signs of a close family but in fact it's quite unhealthy when there is a dynamic of abuse such as you have described. I would try to work on your boundaries and think about moving further away if that's possible

FourDecades · 19/04/2020 17:38

Good grief

He really needs to get over himself and realise that he isn't king pin in your life anymore!

Original poster

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 17:41

@Twiggy71 exactly !!!
Also when I have my OWN opinion which differs from theirs, they usually try to make me feel bad about it and say that I am either too clever or no humility agreed that I am wrong !!

OP posts:

Shayisgreat · 19/04/2020 17:41

If this was me I'd pay him no heed at all. Act completely normal and pay no mind to his tantrum. If he decides to cut contact completely then it's his loss but otherwise he'll cop on. Don't chase him or you'll just feed the tantrum.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/04/2020 17:42

They do seem to think they own you, don't they?

SonEtLumiere · 19/04/2020 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 19/04/2020 17:43

So you're coming out of an unhealthily enmeshed family and your parents don't like it. You on the other hand are tasting freedom and independence. You have choices to be made: do you go along with what they want and let them draw you back in, or do you set a boundary and live your own life? I know what I'd choose - your dad can do one.

TheMandalorian · 19/04/2020 17:45

What would happen if you contacted neither of them for a few days?
Every day would be way too much contact for me.
Your dad is acting childish and jealous.
It's rather strange really.

RandomMess · 19/04/2020 17:49

This is the perfect time to distance yourself further and establish you, DH and DC as your primary unit and your DP has a secondary one.

Original poster

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 17:49

I have moved out 3 years ago so its not like he cant accept the change of me having MY OWN life .
I remember last year when I went on Holidays and my baby became very sicky on my way so we had to arrange doctor and hospital appointments soonest we landed and my dad would not speak to me for over 1 week because I didnt call him back on that first day after I arrived....

OP posts:

SonEtLumiere · 19/04/2020 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoppinggreen · 19/04/2020 17:57

Men who use emotional abuse to control you are arseholes, whatever your relationship to them
They are losing control over you and don’t like it

mbosnz · 19/04/2020 17:58

Oh for goodness sake, what a spoiled brat your father sounds.

How does your DH feel about the high amount of contact you have with your family? Does he get pissed off at your father's demands and tantrums when they are not met exactly as he wishes, when he wishes?

Daddy's not number one now. In fact, he's not even number two. Deal with it dude.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2020 17:59

I agree with other. Your family sounds enmeshed rather than close. Your parents or just your father(?) have trained you to worry about them and their reaction and to put them first. You are doing the right thing. It’s your time now. You are the parent.

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