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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my Father right to be angry at me ?

82 replies

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 17:15

I am 26 years old, have a baby and husband, I have moved out from my parents soonest I got married. My parents live not far from us, we normally visit eachother very often and call eachother every day, (I am very close to my mum ) but dad constantly has a problem with me, yesterday he got angry at me because he called me in the morning and I never called him back, I called back in the evening and we all had a group chat (me, my mum, my brother and my dad however he was not talking on the camera) I called my mum just now so she can see my baby on camera and chat and I asked for my dad, when my mother turned the camera on my dad he told me that he will not be talking to me with angry face , I think its ridiculous .
Am I right to feel that he acts like a child ? I have my own life and I am not on my phone 24/7 , I have my husband and baby, we are busy at home playing, cooking etc. I just dont get it, It was always like this, I feel so much pressure that he will get angry at me for anything .
Surely theres alot going on in everybodys lifes and he really think theres a need to be so angry for me because I didnt call him back in 1 day !!
Its not like we dont talk for days and I ignore him, We are all very close, we have a whatsapp group with closest family, we send pictures, we know whats happening in eachother lives I just dont understand why he neess to behave this way, He always feel the need to bring me down and make me feel guilty for such reason.
I care for them and I love them very much, its very hard for me tu understand this..
I told my mum what I think about it , he was next to her with grumpy face , my mum just said that surely I had a minute free to give him a call back !I dont get it, I shouldnt need to worrying about these kind of stuff?
Should I feel guilty just like he thinks ?

OP posts:

Littlemeadow123 · 19/04/2020 18:00

You didn't do anything wrong. Don't apologize, don't try to justify yourself anymore and just leave him to get on with it. Once he realises you are not going to pander to him everytime he sulks he'll stop doing it.

Tighnabruaich · 19/04/2020 18:01

Your father seems very strange indeed.
Not talking to you for over a week because you didn't phone the instant you got back from holiday is NOT normal behaviour.
What on earth does your husband make of all this?
It all just seems too claustrophobic, your family is now you, your husband and your baby - you have to slowly disengage, even a bit, from your parents.

lastqueenofscotland · 19/04/2020 18:02

I left my fiancé because he would not stop jumping to his dads every beck and call, his dad was toxic and manipulative, and I tried and tried and tried to help and push back but I snapped. You need to step back, it’s a shot example for your DC to see a man throwing their weight about like that and will be bad for your relationship.

RedRedScab · 19/04/2020 18:06

I'd reduce the calls to once a week.

You don't need to go along with this behaviour anymore OP. If your dad doesn't want to be involved with the calls that's up to him.

QuacksInTheDark · 19/04/2020 18:06

Your dad is a bully. He knows he can bully you and gets a feeling of power from doing so that’s why he continues to do it. Take the power back and let him know you don’t care about his pathetic tantrums. Totally ignore his behaviour and carry on as normal don’t give him the attention he craves. What he wants is for you to come begging and apologising so he can deign to forgive you and increase his feeling of power. Don’t do it. It’s time to take his power away.

GinDrinker00 · 19/04/2020 18:07

Oh my god. My parents used to be the EXACT same to the point if I didn’t reply within a few hours they’d be messaging my friends and other family to check I was still alive.
Put them straight. You’ll feel better for it trust me.

Ohtherewearethen · 19/04/2020 18:13

Your dad is extremely unreasonable and appears to anger quickly at any perceived disobedience from you. It sounds like your mum is too frightened to tell him he's being absurd or she might face some of the same treatment. It's not at all easy but you need to try to work on freeing yourself from the dramatic hold he has over you. Learn to care less. He doesn't want to talk to you for some bizarre reason, fine. Don't even ask after him when you speak to your mum. Don't talk to him. What he hopes to achieve is you knowing your place, feeling constant guilt and a need for his approval. He wants to have the power to make you feel great or like shit. To make or break your day. Nobody needs that level of drama and manipulation in their lives.
I would just completely ignore his tantrum. Don't try to appease him or end up apologising for something only he believes you have done. Leave him alone. When he does come back to you, probably trying to make you feel guilty and apologetic, be completely nonchalant. If he starts ranting on just say, oops got to go, baby's crying, oven timer's gone off, whatever. Don't give him an audience or the power to make you feel like that. Oh, good luck. He sounds very high maintenance.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 19/04/2020 18:17

I just wouldn't phone him at all. What a bully he sounds.
It's his loss, he's the child stamping his feet and going in the huff.....he doesn't get rewarded for that!

enjoyingSun · 19/04/2020 18:17

I have moved out 3 years ago so its not like he cant accept the change of me having MY OWN life

Maybe it's the baby - we had independent 20s and then first child bam same old.

I'd advice faking complete obliviousness to any sulking and just carry on as usual - and slowly reset expectations so not immediatley phoning when through door, when many other things need doing, but later when convenient.

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2020 18:17

LidiaM Sorry but he sounds horribly controlling.

I would tell your dad that you did not have time to call him and that his behaviour is making the family calls quite unpleasant. Or I woudl simply ignore him.

Whatever you do, please do not feel guilty! Your dad has a problem. He needs to figure it out and change. He probably won't. Don't waste your time trying to figure it out for him.

Enjoy your husband and baby and life - your parents are lucky to have you.

You are the most important person in your own life.

somebodyelseinstead · 19/04/2020 18:19

Your mum backs him up doesn't she? Have you ever wondered what her life is like as the wife of someone like your father? Can you imagine the hell he would put her through if she stood up to him? So don't blame your mum.

Your dad is a bully and expects to be in charge of everyone, even though you are married and have your own family.

What does your DH think about all this? I expect his family is completely different.

Original poster

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 18:21

My DH is just angry at my parents because he knows they can bring me down very quickly and he hates to see me worring and sad , He always defends me and step up which is the reason why my mum doesnt really like my husband however now she doesnt not try to show it because she knows I will not let her have it.I always think if I did something wrong this time? what did I do wrng or maybe if I have said something wrong ?If I try to cut the contact and not speak to them for few days they would probably use

OP posts:

blacksax · 19/04/2020 18:21

Your father has absolutely no right whatsoever to be angry with you.

AnneOfTeenFables · 19/04/2020 18:22

Was he worried about you? That would be the only excuse for him being upset and he'd still have no right to be angry.
My family all contact each other constantly and get annoyed if I don't reply immediately. I've told them I'm not going to answer as soon as they message or every time they message because I have my own life. They go through little spells of ignoring me. I'm grateful for the break tbh.

Original poster

LidiaM · 19/04/2020 18:24

@somebodyelseinstead no, Its usually my mum too, she plays me emotionally, make herself be sad because she knows I will care and do what she wants, She wants to keep control over my life too sometimes and she doesnt like if I do otherwise or when I have my own opinion and think otherwise, it really makes her mad for not praising

OP posts:

pointythings · 19/04/2020 18:24

If you can, I'd get some counselling to help you learn that your father's behaviour and the model of family you grew up with are not normal or healthy. That way you can learn to be sure in your heart that it isn't you can stick to healthy boundaries without guilt tripping yourself.

mbosnz · 19/04/2020 18:28

I think you need to focus on your DH and child, and let your parents be mad and sad, on their own.

My mother was like this to a certain extent, and there reached a point where I could not just let her walk over me, because it would be to the detriment of my relationship with my DH, and would have negatively impacted on my kids.

I said what she had heard very few times in her adult life. No. She sulked for two weeks (it was very peaceful).

Since then we've had a much more mutually respectful, and emotionally healthy relationship. And she knows damned well who comes first in my life. My husband and my children. They are the hill I'm prepared to die on.

enjoyingSun · 19/04/2020 18:28

I always think if I did something wrong this time?

You need to start telling yourself it's not you it's them - and then try distraction getting busy so you can't dwell on situation then practise doing both a lot.

I think kids and age helped me massively there - as just don't have the headspace to care as much as I did when younger.

feistymumma · 19/04/2020 18:29

@sonETLumiere thank you for that link. A real eye opener for me.

feistymumma · 19/04/2020 18:31

Your dad sounds like my mum. It is extremely stressful.

ilovecakeandwine · 19/04/2020 18:36

Sounds like my dad , I'm now nc now I'm in my 40s.
Don't make him think your in the wrong , and you mum is enabling him by trying to keep the peace as she doesn't want to upset him .

LizzyButton · 19/04/2020 18:37

Consider using the CV weeks to establish a new somewhat distant normal.

My mother had something a little similar with an uncle and aunt when I was little regarding what they saw as her duties to an elderly relative. They were ridiculously controlling from a distance. I wasn't sure why they pretty much left our lives apart from frostiness at christenings, weddings and funerals. It was because my mum eventually decided that no contact was the sanest thing to do.

LouiseTrees · 19/04/2020 18:42

@LidiaM phone your dad first not your mum. It’s weird that you have to phone both of them yes but my mum and dad are the same. Dad is definitely worse. So needy. Always wants videos of the baby. I’ve taken to phoning him to video chat but saying I only have 5 mins or something or pretending there’s a nappy emergency, it’s just so much easier than the sulking.

Tenebrae · 19/04/2020 18:45

I think you need to sit down with them and have a frank conversation, explain that you love them and will always be there for them, but that you have other responsibilities - a husband and child now, a busy life etc. It would be better to just lay it on the line rather than seethe with resentment and for them to do likewise - communication is the key! I believe your DF will respect you more if you do this - firm but open.

I assume that you are an only child. don't they have much else going on in their lives?

JudyCoolibar · 19/04/2020 18:47

my mother turned the camera on my dad he told me that he will not be talking to me with angry face

Best to respond to that as you might to a child - "Oh, OK then, let me know when you've stopped sulking" followed by ignoring him.

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