Is my Father right to be angry at me ?

[LidiaM]

I am 26 years old, have a baby and husband, I have moved out from my parents soonest I got married. My parents live not far from us, we normally visit eachother very often and call eachother every day, (I am very close to my mum ) but dad constantly has a problem with me, yesterday he got angry at me because he called me in the morning and I never called him back, I called back in the evening and we all had a group chat (me, my mum, my brother and my dad however he was not talking on the camera) I called my mum just now so she can see my baby on camera and chat and I asked for my dad, when my mother turned the camera on my dad he told me that he will not be talking to me with angry face , I think its ridiculous .
Am I right to feel that he acts like a child ? I have my own life and I am not on my phone 24/7 , I have my husband and baby, we are busy at home playing, cooking etc. I just dont get it, It was always like this, I feel so much pressure that he will get angry at me for anything .
Surely theres alot going on in everybodys lifes and he really think theres a need to be so angry for me because I didnt call him back in 1 day !!
Its not like we dont talk for days and I ignore him, We are all very close, we have a whatsapp group with closest family, we send pictures, we know whats happening in eachother lives I just dont understand why he neess to behave this way, He always feel the need to bring me down and make me feel guilty for such reason.
I care for them and I love them very much, its very hard for me tu understand this..
I told my mum what I think about it , he was next to her with grumpy face , my mum just said that surely I had a minute free to give him a call back !I dont get it, I shouldnt need to worrying about these kind of stuff?
Should I feel guilty just like he thinks ?

It sounds like your parents think you owe them something for bringing you up? Your time on demand. It will be difficult at first, but make small steps to contact them less. There is nothing wrong with talking every day IF that suits you too.

I’m really close to my mum, we talk on the phone several times a day. I’m not very close to my dad (they’re not married) and we talk once a week at most. If I had a missed call from my dad I would phone him back, because it would usually mean he had something to tell me, but if I missed a call from my mum I wouldn’t return that call because the chances are it’s just a chat phone call. If he had something important to say he’d have followed it up with a text/voicemail to say can you ring me back please it’s urgent. He sounds hard work.

He sounds like a spoilt child. I would refuse to engage with this kind of behaviour, just act normal with your mum and ignore any comments from him. If he's not getting any attention for it he might behave.

Imo now is the chance to use lockdown to wean them off you.
Your marriage won't survive as long as your dps control your moods...
Back away and leave them to their toddler tantrums imo.

Since your father says he's not talking to you, use this as the perfect time to take him at his word and don't phone him. Also use this time to start cutting back to calls to your parents generally - you can simply say that you have to prioritise your life, and your husband and child, and you don't really feel there's much point in just calling for the sake of it when realistically there's not that much to talk about.

Hang on, he expected you to call him the minute after you arrived at your holiday destination and because you had to seek medical help for your DC and couldn't call back he didn't talk to you for a week? I mean, he knew your DC was sick and he still sulked like that? What a horrible, vile bully your dad is. He uses the fact he knows you're scared of upsetting him to manipulate you into always doing what he wants. It's warped and toxic and you should go LC for the sake of your marriage and your self-esteem.

OP this is so unhealthy ..I know you know this. As a start call it phase 1 ..reduce the amount of information you tell your parents.Tell them what they need to know or what you would like them to know and no more,That way they cannot judge or disapprove if they are not involved.Phase 2 is you need to put some distance between them and you..and you need to do this for the sake of your marriage.I say this because it is grossly unfair to your husband having to keep his gob shut at their treatment of you yet hes the one who has to pick you up after every encounter.Its not fair on him and if you dont address this then he might get sick of the lot of you playing games.I would suggest when we are back to normal you could start by maybe coffee in town on a wednesday and saying right I am going to busy the rest of the week with a b c I will check in with you on saturday and keep repeating til this becomes the new normal.Do not answer the phone in between do not be manipulated you stated what you were doing you told them you were busy but keep to your comitment .If all else fails I would be putting my house on the market and moving This will destroy your own marriage if you are not careful one way or another.Your husband wll either get sick of it all ,having to share you and his child with inlaws who always come first above and beyond anything with him trailing behind in second place or he will tell them where to go and cause the big row and resentment either way its going to end badly,cos then your idiot of a father will make youcoose sides then what are you going to do? There is only you who can sort this and as awful as it may be you are going to have to or you willnever have a moments peace.Your parents equally are behaving like idiots and you have to tell them it is stopping and they accept it or loose you...you can make a new path and hope they follow but I cant see them doing it...awful situation but maybe they need a shock to realise how they are being? would it be such a bad thing to put a rocket up them and stand up to theml ike the woman you are? I would.They should be proud of you the woman not the child they still think you are.You need to dimiss the disaproval and stand up to them big time once and for all.It might be all it takes...No sorry mum I will not speak with dad whilst he is behaving like a child..why would you ask me to? I will speak to him when he has got over his problem because I dont have one nor will I make one to give him a power kick ...No dad sorry I am too busy right now I will call you tomorrow whenI have moret ime to chat with you..be firm it will shock them sideways it can be done.Good Luck

He sounds controlling, as well as childish. This is repeated behaviour which you should not accept. He sounds like a sulky baby.

I agree with the other posters. Your dad is a controlling, manipulative Billy. He shouldn't have this level of control over you, it's not normal. If he ignores you and sulks, who cares?!! Please put all your efforts into your relationship with your husband and child. Try to phone your dad once a week and no more.

He sounds horrible. And really controlling.

Your parents still see you as their child, but as a possession rather than a separate person. You’re feeling sad and upset because no matter what you do it’s never enough to please them, is it?

You wouldnt accept this manipulation from anyone else would you?

The Out of the Fog website might help you - FOG is fear, obligation and guilt. It’s possible to move forward if you want to. Concentrate on what you want, and making a life with your husband and child.

It sounds suffocating. He'll be jealous of the baby next. Sounds like your mother enables him too instead of telĺing him to get a grip.

OP,

You have a deeply unpleasant unhealthy relationship with your parents.

They bully you.

And you allow it.

You sound like you have anxiety from the way you have been rared, unsurprisingly.

Your parents are not nice people.

You do not come from a nice family.

I feel very sorry for your husband.

It can't be fun to be involved with such an unhealthy dynamic.

OP, you could do with taking a HUGE step back from both your parents.

Take the lockdown as an opportunity for a break from all their drama.

Can you get yourself some counselling to help you understand how unhealthy your family is?

This stress is spoiling family life for you and your babies early years.

Your Dad is a nasty little bully.
He sounds like an awful fool.

You need to step away from your birth family and focus on your baby and husband and enjoying this special time with them without your parents, in particular, your father, dragging you down.

This is very difficult for you LidiaM. You love them, they have no doubt been caring parents in lots of ways ...but you don't want them to own you. Back in the day I went through an extreme version of this with parents who first of all went to great lengths to stop my marriage going ahead, When this failed they went to great lengths to control it. It took much time and trial and error to establish appropriate boundaries. I read an interesting book which helped me a lot. Basically the premise was ...when they throw a bucket of sht It's there sht not yours. Therefore no need to engage with it. No need to throw it back ...just step out of the way. Don't engage. Very frustrating for the sh*t thrower.

There is a lot of good advice on this thread which is basically saying something similar. No need to stop loving them. No need to go non contact or anything drastic. Just disengage ...move out of the way of the sh*t bucket. If there is no response, no drama, it will eventually stop.

I am 68 this month. Only mother here now. I helped with Dad through his cancer and I am mam's main shopping and cheering up support through this pandemic. She stills tries it occasionally but she recognises it's a waste of time and is pretty much a different person these days.
The other problem is that this is learn't behaviour and in the early days of my own daughter's marriage I had to watch myself as I recognised similar traits in my attitude to her and her new family situation.

Good luck op. Stick to your guns. keep to the same theme and it should all be ok.

Ignore him. Smile sweetly when he acts like this and just tell him 'that's fine, let me know when you get over yourself' when he says he's not talking to you. And then immediately talk to someone else.

Do not be bullied by his immature, controlling idiocy. You're an adult and an equal now, and he's acting like you're not.

May I suggest acquiring a copy of the book ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward.

It's hard to judge on a single isolated incident of him getting annoyed at you not calling him up. You mention he often gets angry at you but the reasons for the other episodes of anger matter to build up the picture. As in, is he just over-sensitive and gets angry at tiny things or was this the straw that broke the camel's back as it were, where other you've done that made him angry were much more major?

If they're all in the magnitude of you not phoning him back immediately, I'd say he seems to be over-reacting and you are not wrong. Maybe he feels that you prefer your mum over him (and he's had issues either in his childhood or as an adult at work, etc where he felt less loved and so it's a kind of PTSD reaction? I sense it's some sort of insecurity or ego issue he has.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time op. I can tell it's very stressful, it's caused you to forget how old you are and caused your 3 year old to regress back into a baby....

Have you ever watched 'A Bouquet of Barbed Wire?' The father has an unhealthy obsession with his dd.
Tbh your parents need to back off and as others have said I would ignore any guilt tripping and they'll soon learn it doesn't work.

And although we are in lockdown, there is telephone and online counselling available. It might be worthwhile seeking out some.

Stop calling every day and be a bit less regimented in your timings, try to break free from the routine of daily, weekly etc. That way you can be a bit more spontaneous and call them when you actually have some news. You all sound as though you live in each other's pockets, not sure I'd be too impressed if I was your spouse especially if you fathers childish reaction is affecting your emotions.

Next time you're speaking to your Mum and he's there sulking in the background tell them both that you're also a parent now and you wouldn't dream of treating your child the way that he treats you. Say you've been remembering how he didn't speak to you for a week because you put your sick baby's needs before a telephone call to him. Tell them both this latest incident is the final straw and you wouldn't accept this behaviour from another adult. If he chooses to carry on sulking and not speaking to you, tell him you'll inform everyone he knows and see whether they think you're the one at fault.

Some parents find it impossible to let go of their authority. You can choose: bend your neck and do as your father wishes, thus saying goodbye to independent adulthood, or you can get up off your knees. It is a very hard thing to do, to stand upright after a lifetime of being submissive but it can be done. It took me years. It hurts a lot but it's worth it for your self-respect.

Its creepy and very insidious in my opinion.