Advice - Moving in at 18 with a baby?

[Cherrychops100]

Hi there, me and my boyfriend are both 18 with a baby due later on this year. We've been together for a year and a half and things have happened that have made me question our relationship. We both need to grow up and become more mature in order to look after our child in the future, and also to stay together because I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship, and I don't want our child to be exposed to that. We both have mental health issues too which makes things a bit harder as well. However I do love him and I do want to try and make it work, I guess we'll see how well things work when baby is here.
We have lived together last year for a period of 9 months, he moved in with me as I had accommodation near to where he lives, as he lived an hour away. Just to clarify that the accommodation wasn't funded by myself, we didn't have to pay anything to live there (don't want to explain further) but basically trying to say we have lived together but we've had no pressure of bills or any realistic 'adult' stuff. To be honest I really enjoyed living together for the first 6 months ish, then he wasn't able to work because of mental health issues and being with each other 24/7 drove me crazy. Even before he was off work, I was the one doing laundry, I was the one doing household bits and to be honest it was just me doing all the housework. I was an hour away from my family and what I knew, because of anxiety I wasn't able to leave the flat alone and I found my mental health was really suffering.
I've moved accommodation to nearer my family which I still don't pay for and he wasn't allowed to move there with me (which I was secretly thrilled with), however right now I don't have to pay to stay there, but once baby is born I won't be able to stay there. So I'm going to have to move back home, I haven't properly spoken to him about this because I'd rather wait to see him in person and we can't do that because of lockdown. He's got a new job at the moment despite his mental health still being rubbish, he's working hard for our future and to provide for our baby, however, he sees us moving in together once my accommodation isn't funded and once baby is here, so we can be a 'family' (his mum is also very supportive of this), however I really don't want to move in together, we're both extremely young and I feel like the support I would have from my family at home would be crucial to me coping with a baby. Also, financially, I'm not working at the moment and I don't even believe we'll be able to afford to move in together, all of our money would solely go on rent and bills, and I don't want to live scraping everything by just so we can live together, which I don't think is the best option.
But am I being selfish?
When I suggested that I really wanted to go back home a few months ago, he said you need to put our baby first and us as a family. And I AM trying to put baby first because baby is not going to want to grow up with 2 miserable parents arguing all the time. I'm excited to have a child however I'm aware that I'm only 18 years old and I'm going to struggle A LOT. I haven't spoken to him about this because I'm scared of his reaction. Because if I moved back home (which is what I really REALLY want to do) then he wouldn't be able to come and stay, or he could stay but we wouldn't be able to share a bed because of my parents religious views, which I am completely respectful of, he however wouldn't respect that and then resent my parents if he knew that would be the case. I'm very close to my mum and she has already offered me so so much support through this pregnancy, he however doesn't really want her involved as much, as it's OUR child and OUR family, he's very driving by 'family'. That 'family' doesn't seem to include my mum though And I know for a fact that when I mention my plans to him, he's going to think this is all my mums idea, which it is completely not, I've decided this all myself and have only simply asked mum whether I can move back home, and she agrees with my plan.

I just wanted some advice really. Am I being selfish? Can you see I'm trying to put baby first but also my own mental health?

Gosh that was long, I'm really sorry but would really appreciate some reassurance or replies.

Hi, I think you sound very sensible and it is nice to see you have your mum's support in this too. I would stick to your plan. A baby is a big change and very hard work (although very rewarding too) and it sounds like you are well prepared (as much as you can be!) for this.
He seems to have an idealistic idea of how it will be but if he wouldn't pull his weight before he may still not be mature enough to do it now.
Stick with your plan, see how it goes and maybe in future you can all live together but throwing away money on rent/bills with a new baby will just massively add to any stress/mental health issues.
It sounds like you are worried about judgement about your age, make sure you hold your head up high as you can be a good mum at any age as long as you take responsibility, and go about being the best mum you can be. You can do this! Good luck

I think you're making a very good plan for your babies future and your own mental health. I think you do need to tell him that you won't be living with him when the baby is here.

Although you are so young you seem like you have a mature head on your shoulders. If your mum is offering to let you and baby live at home rent free, and support and help you with the baby, at your age I would snap her hand off. You can save while you're there to be able to move out further down the line. At 18 also, I don't know why your boyfriend is in such a rush to invite all that hardship. Having a baby is hard and you will need support, not from just him.

@AlpacaGoodnight
Thank you for your reply, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and I don't want the whole 'you're not putting us first' to be thrown into my face. I'm looking after my own mental health so I'll be in the best position to look after our baby. Thank you for your support x

I think what you are suggesting is a very good idea. Your mum is going to be so much more use then an 18 year old boy who doesn't seem to have very realistic expectations of how hard it is to have a baby.
You need to think about you and the baby right now. If you want to stay with your mum please don't be pushed in to anything you are not happy with! X

@Jokie Thank you, and yes, I'm going to discuss it with him when we're able to see each other in person. I'm at my mums currently because of lockdown and I've already expressed that I don't want to go back home and be by myself because I don't feel completely safe alone.

No I wouldnt move in with him for all the reasons you have stated but also as it sounds like he is already trying to separate you form a very important source of support

@artistformerlyknownas
Thank you, and I'm really unsure too. I feel like we've both got a lot of growing up to do in order to take the next step.

I think your plan sounds good and you sound very sensible. Do what is best for your baby and your mental health as it is so important especially after having a baby as you have so many hormonal changes. All the best and congratulations 😃

I think you are being very sensible and looking at all of this with your eyes wide open.

If he wasn't capable of running a home with you without the responsibilities of money, a job or a baby, he has no hope of being a responsible co-parent right now. Maybe he will when he is older, but right now unless he is literally showing you a steady wage, a flat that can be afforded on just one income and some competent "housekeeping" abilities, then he doesn't have what you need to be the best Mum possible.

Stick to your plan and move in with your parents.

I haven't spoken to him about this because I'm scared of his reaction This does NOT bode well for the future of your relationship. Do you mean hurting his feelings or do you mean he would kick off?

You are young and sensible. Look after yourself and your baby, take all the sensible support you can get (i.e. your parents' support rather than your baby's father) and think about whether you have a romantic future with him at all.

Another point - if you are only 18 I am assuming that you have not finished with all the education you could have. You have no chance of doing any of that if you are living with him, but with supportive parents, you could perhaps go to university? The more education you can get over the next 5 years, the better a future your child has.

You sound very mature and sensible. Trust your instincts.

You seen lovely and sensible OP.
The logistics of your living arrangements aside the one thing that jumps out at me is you saying you're scared of his reaction.
You should not have to feel that way at all. What is it that worries you about his potential reaction?

You are putting your family first though, and hopefully he will come round to that. Your baby is your family and being more financially secure in the long run will be such a help. Try and let him feel involved in as much as possible but if he strops you are just going to have to be firm and repeat what is happening with no discussion.x

If I were in your shoes, I would be staying home with my mum for all of the reasons you have mentioned.

Although your boyfriend may not see it now, it doesn't make you any less of a family living separately. Yes it's not the textbook way of doing things but you are both young and have your lives ahead of you to live together. You would probably have a much better chance of staying in a relationship living separately with a good support network for you and baby and boyfriend visiting.

Having a baby is testing for any relationship - letalone a young couple who both struggle with mental health. I'm speaking as someone who has a 14 month old and it is bloody hard!

Maybe sit down with your boyfriend and list all the pros and cons of you living with your mum. Make sure you have answers for the cons eg. boyfriend worries he won't see baby - plan select days a week boyfriend can visit and FaceTime on other days so he feels included.

Having good support in a stable, safe environment is the most important thing for you.
You would absolutely be doing the right thing to stay home for the foreseeable and then start looking at moving in with one another once the time is right.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders so wishing you the best of luck for the future and congratulations on your pregnancy!

What is his family situation, if he is all about family has he not has one himself growing up? I wonder if he is worried about losing an idealist vision of what he thinks a family is. But if you was my daughter I’d want you back home with me with the baby and out of the stressful situation.

I agree that making sure you have the right support is putting the baby first. Trying to isolate you from support, using you as his housekeeper, and being emotionally manipulative are not putting baby first.

You might find it helpful to do the online freedom programme course so you can have more confidence in establishing boundaries and healthy relationships. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you move in with your family knowing that they won’t let him move in, you are effectively cutting him out of your and the baby’s life.

How does he then get to parent? Even if it doesn’t split you up because he does feel like he’s been removed, you’re going to experience a major life change... and well he isn’t because he’s not allowed to be there.

Your plan is a good one OP.
I’m sure your boyfriend means well and it’s lively that he wants to be there for you and the baby but it doesn’t sound like he has realistic expectations.

As previous Pp there are some things that especially confirm to be that living with your mum is the right thing:

1. That you were relieved to be living without him
2. You’re afraid how he will react.

Living with him doesn’t sound like much fun even without a baby, let alone with one.

With your mum you will have support financially and emotionally. As a previous pp said, you could potentially carry on with education, training or get a job when the baby is older and if your mum can help with childcare.

Your plan sounds excellent to me.

Oh and there is no reason why you can’t live with your boyfriend later when you BOTH feel ready. It’s not saying no forever, it’s just ‘not yet’.

How does he then get to parent?

He can't anyway. He is barely an adult, is unemployed, doesn't have a place of his own to live, doesn't have the means to support himself, let alone a partner with a newborn baby, has already demonstrated that he can't function domestically, has mental health problems and is already trying to drive a wedge between the OP and her existing robust support network.

None of these things mean that he is a bad person per se, just that he is not in a position to live with the OP right now.

If he wants to parent his child with her he can get a job and a flat beside her, be there every day for her and show that he is competent and present for them. All he can't do is sleep in the OP's bed at night.

I agree with PP that you sound very mature for your age. I would definitely stay at home and accept your mum's help for now. A baby is so stressful so if you can get support and reduce the other stresses in your life then go for it. You can always use that time to save up for a deposit. I do think your boyfriend will need to prove himself a bit here.

@tabulahrasa
it's the only option. Financially we can't move in together, I can't move to his house and he can't move to mine, not that I would want either of those things anyway. What else do you suggest I do? I'm not cutting him out of my life, we are still in a relationship. It's just no realistic for us to live together, and if putting me and my baby first is classed as 'cutting him out of my life' then I guess that's what I'm doing? (Even though I'm clearly not?!)

“He can't anyway. He is barely an adult, is unemployed, doesn't have a place of his own to live, doesn't have the means to support himself, let alone a partner with a newborn baby, has already demonstrated that he can't function domestically, has mental health problems“

The same can nearly all be applied to the OP...

But that wasn’t my point really.

He will realistically have no chance at all at doing any meaningful parenting while they’re living with her family and he has to leave at nighttime.

I just wanted to make it clear to the OP that the likelihood is that she is choosing to stay with her family over her relationship with the baby’s dad... because staying there when he can’t is very likely to split them up even if it doesn’t immediate.

If that’s what she wants, fine, it might not be a great relationship anyway... but it’s not likely to survive her living with her parents.

“It's just no realistic for us to live together, and if putting me and my baby first is classed as 'cutting him out of my life' then I guess that's what I'm doing?”

It wasn’t a criticism btw, it’s just that I was 17 when I had my first DC and I stayed with my mum for the first 8 weeks... if I’d not moved in with my DP then I know there’s no way we’d still be together, because he just wouldn’t have experienced parenting in the same way as I did...