Advice - Moving in at 18 with a baby?

[Cherrychops100]

Hi there, me and my boyfriend are both 18 with a baby due later on this year. We've been together for a year and a half and things have happened that have made me question our relationship. We both need to grow up and become more mature in order to look after our child in the future, and also to stay together because I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship, and I don't want our child to be exposed to that. We both have mental health issues too which makes things a bit harder as well. However I do love him and I do want to try and make it work, I guess we'll see how well things work when baby is here.
We have lived together last year for a period of 9 months, he moved in with me as I had accommodation near to where he lives, as he lived an hour away. Just to clarify that the accommodation wasn't funded by myself, we didn't have to pay anything to live there (don't want to explain further) but basically trying to say we have lived together but we've had no pressure of bills or any realistic 'adult' stuff. To be honest I really enjoyed living together for the first 6 months ish, then he wasn't able to work because of mental health issues and being with each other 24/7 drove me crazy. Even before he was off work, I was the one doing laundry, I was the one doing household bits and to be honest it was just me doing all the housework. I was an hour away from my family and what I knew, because of anxiety I wasn't able to leave the flat alone and I found my mental health was really suffering.
I've moved accommodation to nearer my family which I still don't pay for and he wasn't allowed to move there with me (which I was secretly thrilled with), however right now I don't have to pay to stay there, but once baby is born I won't be able to stay there. So I'm going to have to move back home, I haven't properly spoken to him about this because I'd rather wait to see him in person and we can't do that because of lockdown. He's got a new job at the moment despite his mental health still being rubbish, he's working hard for our future and to provide for our baby, however, he sees us moving in together once my accommodation isn't funded and once baby is here, so we can be a 'family' (his mum is also very supportive of this), however I really don't want to move in together, we're both extremely young and I feel like the support I would have from my family at home would be crucial to me coping with a baby. Also, financially, I'm not working at the moment and I don't even believe we'll be able to afford to move in together, all of our money would solely go on rent and bills, and I don't want to live scraping everything by just so we can live together, which I don't think is the best option.
But am I being selfish?
When I suggested that I really wanted to go back home a few months ago, he said you need to put our baby first and us as a family. And I AM trying to put baby first because baby is not going to want to grow up with 2 miserable parents arguing all the time. I'm excited to have a child however I'm aware that I'm only 18 years old and I'm going to struggle A LOT. I haven't spoken to him about this because I'm scared of his reaction. Because if I moved back home (which is what I really REALLY want to do) then he wouldn't be able to come and stay, or he could stay but we wouldn't be able to share a bed because of my parents religious views, which I am completely respectful of, he however wouldn't respect that and then resent my parents if he knew that would be the case. I'm very close to my mum and she has already offered me so so much support through this pregnancy, he however doesn't really want her involved as much, as it's OUR child and OUR family, he's very driving by 'family'. That 'family' doesn't seem to include my mum though And I know for a fact that when I mention my plans to him, he's going to think this is all my mums idea, which it is completely not, I've decided this all myself and have only simply asked mum whether I can move back home, and she agrees with my plan.

I just wanted some advice really. Am I being selfish? Can you see I'm trying to put baby first but also my own mental health?

Op it doesn’t sound like you really want to be with him long term. I have an inkling you think you should be together for the sake of the baby but it’s ok to co parent and not be in a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’re denying your baby of their father.

Your plan really is the best for the moment. Neither of you have really lived as independent adults yet and trying to now do that with a new baby in the mix is asking for trouble.

Staying with your mum is both the sensible thing to do and what you really want to do. It is always good when both those things tally.

You can always see how things pan out after the baby is born, how attentive he is, how his job works out, whether he is able to save the equivalent amount of what it would cost to have your own place etc. Also gives you a chance to think whether you really want to move in with him or not.

OP do you have a leaving and aftercare social worker or a MH advocate? If so talk to them about mother and baby accommodation, they will support you and guide you when baby is born and men aren't allowed to live there, it might be really beneficial for you especially at s time when mental health can be a struggle for all women.

Once you're feeling confident and stronger and it's given him chance to prove he can hold down a job etc you might reconsider living together, you might not, status are usually at least six months after birth and there's often nice on accommodation provision with the local authority

Move on accommodation

If your boyfriend has never lived by himself (with neither you nor his mother) then he's never fully grasped the concept of housework. He needs to demonstrate that he's capable of taking responsibility for the smooth running of a household (not just doing the washing up For You because you're up with the baby or running the hoover around when you "nag" him enough).

Is it absolutely certain that your parents wouldn't let him share your bed? Now you're eighteen and (almost) parents? I mean, presumably they're aware that you shared a bed when you were living together. (I know where you're coming from as we were always a Church family and my visiting boyfriend slept in the boxroom until after we were married - but a few years later my sister, who was living with her boyfriend at the time, visited with him and they shared a bed.) It might be worth having a serious talk with your mum about this.

@tabulahrasa
I do understand what you mean, sorry, I just take everything a bit too personally.
I just think that based on living together before and things that have happened recently, we're very close to slipping if you get what I mean. I feel like without a baby in the picture, things would be different, I don't think that our relationship would have lasted.
I understand what you're saying but I think in my case, moving in together and rushing everything would mean our relationship would be more likely to not succeed. And I don't want to make that commitment of moving in together yet because if things turn sour, it can be very hard to get out of that situation.

@merryhouse
About the washing up, he only started doing that because I was pregnant, and I'd go out and do the food shopping and the washing up would still be there and he'd have spent all his time on the Xbox.
And about the sleeping situation, obviously they're aware that we've shared a bed however it's different when things are happening in their house, if you get what I mean, and I understand and respect that, they've always been that way.

I was a lot older than you and already had a child when I met my ex husband and we moved in together too quickly. With hinder sight we should have continued dating throughout the pregnancy and first couple of years of the baby's life.
Equally I do now realise we'd have never married and susquent children not born. BUT in terms of quality of life for the already here children and my financial security, I'd have been significantly better off staying single.
For me it was lack of confidence in my own abilities that led to marriage. You sound level headed and things will work themselves out. There is no rush.

“I just take everything a bit too personally.”

I was aware it could sound a bit harsh before I posted - just couldn’t work out how to word it so it wouldn’t...

If you’re already going, I don’t see us working, then there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s just - your life is about to change drastically, some of it you’ll already realise, but nothing really prepares you for it tbh. And being a parent changes you as well.

But for him, if he’s not living there it won’t be the same experience, it won’t be this drastic change and the likelihood is that you’ll change in a way he just won’t and it won’t work out between you.

So I figured it was worth pointing it out.

@tabulahrasa
Yeah, again I get what you mean, nothing is going to prepare us for having a child this young. However his mums just had a baby and he has 6 younger siblings, he's chief babysitter at the moment so I'm figuring that a new baby isn't going to a really drastic change as it might be to someone who's never had experience with a baby (which is me).
I totally get that looking after a baby sibling is completely different to looking after your own child, but I don't think I'm cutting him out, I just think I'm doing what's best given the situation. I also think that if I was already living at home and became pregnant, I wouldn't want to rush to move in with someone just because we were starting a family. He is as involved as much as he can be, he was at the first scan, not able to be at the second because of coronavirus, I send him pics of bump regularly and tell him when they're kicking I 100% want him at the birth if things are still good between us, and before coronavirus he came down every weekend (even though it was only 2 weekends we spent together). However those 2 weekends didn't go particularly well...
I think I've already made up my mind but really wanted to know peoples thoughts of you get what I mean.

I was in your exact position many years ago. I decided to stay with my mum until my child was 2. Looking back I wish I had stayed longer and saved for my own place..but by 20 was ready to move out and wanted that independence.

So would definitely say to you stay with your mum. She will be a great help to you.

@Cherrychops100 I think you're making the right decision OP. Sounds like you're as well placed as anyone else to handle the shock of a new baby - it's great you've got a supportive mum and a stable and free place to live for when baby arrives. Best of luck going forward.

Do what is best for you and for your baby. Hopefully your boyfriend will share these priorities, and when the time’s right, the three of you will be able to move on into your own place. That time doesn’t feel like it’s right for you yet. If he can’t prioritise your and your baby’s needs now, then it suggests your instincts are right...

I would 100% stay with your mum. I can guarantee his little idea of a 'family' is you doing 100% of the drudge work and childcare. 100%. He's very immature but he's also sexist and a bit controlling. You move in with him you'll find your mental health goes to shit as you're doing all the work without any of the support and his wanting you to play the little wifey. No. You put YOURSELF and the baby first and that means stay at your mum's. I would not give the baby his surname, either, no matter how much he strops.

Nothing much to add to all the helpful opinions you have been given, but I just wanted to echo what a recent poster said - don't give the baby his surname. Just don't.

Agree with most of what PP have said, it sounds like you have thought about the pros and cons and moving back to your parents would be sensible. It's good that they will support you.

However, I think you need to ensure that your partner is fully involved and doesn't feel pushed out by your mum. You and your partner are the baby's mum and dad. You are the most important people in the baby's life. Your mum, although undoubtedly a great support to you all, is secondary to that. Hopefully she's willing to support your partner to be a good parent by allowing him to spend as much time at the house as he can, assuming of course that he is polite, respectful etc.
This not sharing a bed thing is a bit of a problem - your parents religious views may end up depriving your child of a father if their behaviour pushes him away. Ideally your partner should be able to stay over and take part in caring for the baby at night, of course as long as you want that too, and as long as he is nice. As you are both adults, it's not really any of your parents business whether you share a bed with your partner. If they are authoritarian you may not be able to negotiate this but be clear in your own mind that they are unreasonable in wanting any say in this matter, whether it's under their roof or not. Also be honest with yourself and with your partner if the real reason you don't want to share a bed is because you are the one who doesn't want to.

“so I'm figuring that a new baby isn't going to a really drastic change as it might be to someone who's never had experience with a baby (which is me)”

It is drastic no matter what...the practical stuff isn’t the big stuff. Whether you know what you’re doing or not - it’s the emotional side of it all... and that’s what he’ll miss out on.

The thing is statistically because of your age you are more likely to end up a single parent anyway - but anecdotally, I can’t imagine how me and my DP could possibly still have a relationship if I’d stayed at my mums and he’d visited after work.

The ages we were meant that we still had a hell of a lot of growing up to do, the baby meant we did it fast and together, because we were together... if he’d just been visiting of an evening, I’d have done that but I don’t think he would have.

@tabulahrasa
I get what you're saying, but financially we can't move in together even if that was what we both wanted. Also, based on past events, I'm not going to stay with someone who treats me like dirt when it suits them and then blames it on their own insecurities.

Moving in together is too much too soon, and it's not an option anyway.
Maybe when we're more financially stable it's something we'll consider in the future, if he sticks around, as moving in together is definitely something I want to do in the future, just not at 18 with a newborn baby and not a stable income.

YANBU...move in and stay with your parents for as long as possible you will need as much help during the later stages of pregnancy, both physically and mentally. All the best

@tabulahrasa
And regarding this...

so I'm figuring that a new baby isn't going to a really drastic change as it might be to someone who's never had experience with a baby (which is me)

What I mean is that it's not going to be a massive shock to the system considering he's been looking after a newborn quite a lot recently...
Obviously emotionally is different of course.

It also would be completely unfair on him to be the sole financial provider, for the responsibility of bills and rent to be on his shoulders, I know that wouldn't benefit his mental health at all.
I'm doing what I think is best for all of us.

@tabulahrasa
Also towards the end of us living together, being with him 24/7 nearly ended me as we were both miserable all the time, not a good environment for a newborn.

@Worriedmum54321
My mum has never done anything to make him feel pushed out.
In the early days of us being together she used to drive over an hour to take me to his house for the afternoon whilst she would sit in car parks trying to pass the time so we could be together.

During his childhood his mum was with someone from a young age that was emotionally abusive so he doesn't have a really strong relationship with her. My mum isn't an interfearing mum or anything she just wants what's best for me, and seeing the way he has treated me in the past she's just concerned about me. However she just wants me to be happy so never really expresses her opinions about anything. It's him that has the issue with my mum, even though he says he doesn't.
To give you an example, the last weekend we spent together at my flat, my mum had taken me to an appointment in the morning and we were having a drink together when he texted saying he's walking from the train station. I mentioned mum was still here because we were just having a sit down before she drove home (30 minutes away) and because she hadn't see him in a while she just wanted to say hi.
He then said he's not coming in until she leaves, this made me really upset and my mum stayed for a bit because I was almost on the verge of a panic attack. He then said 'if she doesn't go now then I'm going home'.
He is just very childish with things and he needs to grow up a lot more before we live together...

“I'm not going to stay with someone who treats me like dirt when it suits them and then blames it on their own insecurities.”

Which is totally fair enough... and a valid reason in its own right to not want to be in a relationship with him.

I’m not even saying you need to live with him, just trying to point out that it’s likely the consequences of not living with him is likely that your relationship won’t work out... just so it’s something you consider while you’re deciding.

I found people were hugely patronising and I figure with the hindsight of it being 25 years later - it might be more useful to point out the possible consequences so you can factor them in over just saying, oh you’re totally making the right decision, you’ll be fine...

Because realistically there’s no uniform right decision, there rarely is when it comes to parenting, lol, there’s the best decision for you and your baby at the time.

You will be fine though, either way because the important bit is that you are trying to work out what’s best.

I mentioned mum was still here because we were just having a sit down before she drove home (30 minutes away) and because she hadn't see him in a while she just wanted to say hi.
He then said he's not coming in until she leaves, this made me really upset and my mum stayed for a bit because I was almost on the verge of a panic attack. He then said 'if she doesn't go now then I'm going home'.

This worries me, OP - he doesn't get to dictate whether or not you see your mum (or emotionally blackmail you to not see her, which is what he was doing here). He has a LOT of growing up to do, and certainly could do with some support for his MH if he hasn't got any already, and you are making absolutely the right choice to raise your baby with a support system.

If you lived together, would your mum never be allowed to visit? Can he not see that many people, especially as teenagers/young adults, still require the support and love of their parents, particularly during an incredibly emotional and tumultuous time in their life? If he can't see that or still refuses to allow your mum to be part of your shared life (and her grandchild's life) then I think you're far, far better off without him at all.