Advice - Moving in at 18 with a baby?

[Cherrychops100]

Hi there, me and my boyfriend are both 18 with a baby due later on this year. We've been together for a year and a half and things have happened that have made me question our relationship. We both need to grow up and become more mature in order to look after our child in the future, and also to stay together because I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship, and I don't want our child to be exposed to that. We both have mental health issues too which makes things a bit harder as well. However I do love him and I do want to try and make it work, I guess we'll see how well things work when baby is here.
We have lived together last year for a period of 9 months, he moved in with me as I had accommodation near to where he lives, as he lived an hour away. Just to clarify that the accommodation wasn't funded by myself, we didn't have to pay anything to live there (don't want to explain further) but basically trying to say we have lived together but we've had no pressure of bills or any realistic 'adult' stuff. To be honest I really enjoyed living together for the first 6 months ish, then he wasn't able to work because of mental health issues and being with each other 24/7 drove me crazy. Even before he was off work, I was the one doing laundry, I was the one doing household bits and to be honest it was just me doing all the housework. I was an hour away from my family and what I knew, because of anxiety I wasn't able to leave the flat alone and I found my mental health was really suffering.
I've moved accommodation to nearer my family which I still don't pay for and he wasn't allowed to move there with me (which I was secretly thrilled with), however right now I don't have to pay to stay there, but once baby is born I won't be able to stay there. So I'm going to have to move back home, I haven't properly spoken to him about this because I'd rather wait to see him in person and we can't do that because of lockdown. He's got a new job at the moment despite his mental health still being rubbish, he's working hard for our future and to provide for our baby, however, he sees us moving in together once my accommodation isn't funded and once baby is here, so we can be a 'family' (his mum is also very supportive of this), however I really don't want to move in together, we're both extremely young and I feel like the support I would have from my family at home would be crucial to me coping with a baby. Also, financially, I'm not working at the moment and I don't even believe we'll be able to afford to move in together, all of our money would solely go on rent and bills, and I don't want to live scraping everything by just so we can live together, which I don't think is the best option.
But am I being selfish?
When I suggested that I really wanted to go back home a few months ago, he said you need to put our baby first and us as a family. And I AM trying to put baby first because baby is not going to want to grow up with 2 miserable parents arguing all the time. I'm excited to have a child however I'm aware that I'm only 18 years old and I'm going to struggle A LOT. I haven't spoken to him about this because I'm scared of his reaction. Because if I moved back home (which is what I really REALLY want to do) then he wouldn't be able to come and stay, or he could stay but we wouldn't be able to share a bed because of my parents religious views, which I am completely respectful of, he however wouldn't respect that and then resent my parents if he knew that would be the case. I'm very close to my mum and she has already offered me so so much support through this pregnancy, he however doesn't really want her involved as much, as it's OUR child and OUR family, he's very driving by 'family'. That 'family' doesn't seem to include my mum though And I know for a fact that when I mention my plans to him, he's going to think this is all my mums idea, which it is completely not, I've decided this all myself and have only simply asked mum whether I can move back home, and she agrees with my plan.

I just wanted some advice really. Am I being selfish? Can you see I'm trying to put baby first but also my own mental health?

You expect an 18year old boy to do the right thing? He'll need at least 6 more years to have any idea about his emotions or how to live.

@Pineapple1
What do you mean expecting him to do the right thing?

Don't worry about it.

Putting him on the birth certificate gives him parental rights. He can have power over travel, schooling etc. This won’t be a problem if you remain together and agree everything together. Or separate and remain amicable. But if you separate and it’s hostile, he can make life hard for you. Anyway, you’re not married so you can’t put him on the birth cert - he would have to be with you at the same time to do it himself. Don’t tell him that and if he asks just say you hadn’t realised that?

If he truly cares, he can go to court and it will be academic, he will be added to the certificate. But it doesn’t sound like he’d bother if he couldn’t be bothered to sort out his own benefits. It just gives you more choices.

And GIVE THE BABY YOUR NAME. It can be changed in future to his if all works out and you marry or whatever. If you give his now you’ll need his permission to change it to yours if you wanted to in the future. The registration is the only time you get the choice.

OP, just read all the threads where unmarried mothers have given the child their fathers surname & put them on birth certificates - and all the resentment and problems that causes when things go sour.
You do all the work in bringing them up but they don't even share your surname - and you won't get his permission to change it to yours either.
Going abroad? You may find sometimes that you need a letter of 'permission' from him to show at the airport security checks when you travel with your child who has a different surname to you.
Applying/renewing a passport? You'll need his signature.
Applying for schools, deciding on medical treatment (in some circs), religious choices etc, he would get a 50% say in that.

All these things are simple to sort if you get on.....but when things go sour or the guy is immature and abusive anyway and decides to use all the above to further control your life - you'll regret being 'nice' and giving him that power.

If he wants to be on the birth certificate, all he has to do is see a solicitor.....on top of paying maintenance and then he can tell CMS too that he is the father so it's on record.....

Don't give away your power.
If he truly wants to share responsibility for his child he is capable of sorting it out himself.

It’s a difficult decision re birth certificate, I’m a lone parent but circumstances slightly different as dds father walked away and we have not seen him for years. I put him on the birth certificate only because it’s my daughter document not mine and I dealt with any issues as they arouse. Dd has a passport I had to declare he wasn’t around and we hadn’t heard from him, it’s been over 10 years. But I suspect if he was interested it would have complicated matters, it’s worth taking some advice from a lawyer or citizens advice to find out more information.

Also to add my daughter has my surname.

And GIVE THE BABY YOUR NAME. It can be changed in future to his if all works out and you marry or whatever. If you give his now you’ll need his permission to change it to yours if you wanted to in the future. The registration is the only time you get the choice.

Very much agree with this.

While you're very young, you sound very sensible. Your plan is the best one. I was married and 11 years older than you when I had my first child....it was still hard.

Your BF doesn't have the maturity to support you and he's demonstrated that in his actions.

Stand firm and do what's in your best interest and that of your baby. Him refusing to come on when your mum was there is clear evidence he's not ready to step up and support you.

If he can't accept your decision, then the relationship doesn't have to continue.

Re the birth certificate....your surname for the baby.

Adding my voice to this too - don't say a WORD about the birth certificate. An immature and resentful father can make your life extremely difficult if he has parental rights, and drift in and out of your life only to exert his will over you re. passports and schools etc. If he is a fantastic father then it will all be fine. If he turns out to be rubbish, you would really regret it. Don't say a WORD about the birth cert until after you have registered the birth on your own, and just say you didn't know. If he really cares, as someone said above, he can force the issue, but as you mentioned he is a bit feckless with paperwork, this is unlikely. Again, if he turns out to be completelly brilliant, none of this matters.

And definitely give your child YOUR name. You should 100% do this even if he is brilliant. You're not married. This is your baby. Why would you want your baby to have a name other than your own?

But again, no need to bring this up until after the fact. Just avoid the topic and register your baby on your own, as Baby Chops.

If you two get married, you decide to take his name and you all live happily ever after, then the paperwork can be changed to reflect that then.

Good luck!