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Original poster

Advice - Moving in at 18 with a baby?

85 replies

Cherrychops100 · 18/04/2020 10:24

Hi there, me and my boyfriend are both 18 with a baby due later on this year. We've been together for a year and a half and things have happened that have made me question our relationship. We both need to grow up and become more mature in order to look after our child in the future, and also to stay together because I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship, and I don't want our child to be exposed to that. We both have mental health issues too which makes things a bit harder as well. However I do love him and I do want to try and make it work, I guess we'll see how well things work when baby is here.
We have lived together last year for a period of 9 months, he moved in with me as I had accommodation near to where he lives, as he lived an hour away. Just to clarify that the accommodation wasn't funded by myself, we didn't have to pay anything to live there (don't want to explain further) but basically trying to say we have lived together but we've had no pressure of bills or any realistic 'adult' stuff. To be honest I really enjoyed living together for the first 6 months ish, then he wasn't able to work because of mental health issues and being with each other 24/7 drove me crazy. Even before he was off work, I was the one doing laundry, I was the one doing household bits and to be honest it was just me doing all the housework. I was an hour away from my family and what I knew, because of anxiety I wasn't able to leave the flat alone and I found my mental health was really suffering.
I've moved accommodation to nearer my family which I still don't pay for and he wasn't allowed to move there with me (which I was secretly thrilled with), however right now I don't have to pay to stay there, but once baby is born I won't be able to stay there. So I'm going to have to move back home, I haven't properly spoken to him about this because I'd rather wait to see him in person and we can't do that because of lockdown. He's got a new job at the moment despite his mental health still being rubbish, he's working hard for our future and to provide for our baby, however, he sees us moving in together once my accommodation isn't funded and once baby is here, so we can be a 'family' (his mum is also very supportive of this), however I really don't want to move in together, we're both extremely young and I feel like the support I would have from my family at home would be crucial to me coping with a baby. Also, financially, I'm not working at the moment and I don't even believe we'll be able to afford to move in together, all of our money would solely go on rent and bills, and I don't want to live scraping everything by just so we can live together, which I don't think is the best option.
But am I being selfish?
When I suggested that I really wanted to go back home a few months ago, he said you need to put our baby first and us as a family. And I AM trying to put baby first because baby is not going to want to grow up with 2 miserable parents arguing all the time. I'm excited to have a child however I'm aware that I'm only 18 years old and I'm going to struggle A LOT. I haven't spoken to him about this because I'm scared of his reaction. Because if I moved back home (which is what I really REALLY want to do) then he wouldn't be able to come and stay, or he could stay but we wouldn't be able to share a bed because of my parents religious views, which I am completely respectful of, he however wouldn't respect that and then resent my parents if he knew that would be the case. I'm very close to my mum and she has already offered me so so much support through this pregnancy, he however doesn't really want her involved as much, as it's OUR child and OUR family, he's very driving by 'family'. That 'family' doesn't seem to include my mum though Hmm And I know for a fact that when I mention my plans to him, he's going to think this is all my mums idea, which it is completely not, I've decided this all myself and have only simply asked mum whether I can move back home, and she agrees with my plan.

I just wanted some advice really. Am I being selfish? Can you see I'm trying to put baby first but also my own mental health?

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 18/04/2020 15:52

OP, i think you're making the right - and best - decision for you and your baby.
Yes, you're very young in years....but give yourself credit for seeing the red flags and avoiding them.

I feel like without a baby in the picture, things would be different, I don't think that our relationship would have lasted
Babies are not sticking plasters and i think your relationship will end anyway.

he has 6 younger siblings
Yet he doesn't do housework off his own back - he only started doing the dishes to 'help' you cos you were pregnant. He'll stop soon as you're the SAHM and expect you to do all the housework cos he's 'paying for everything'.

He then said he's not coming in until she leaves, this made me really upset and my mum stayed for a bit because I was almost on the verge of a panic attack. He then said 'if she doesn't go now then I'm going home'
So he's emotionally manipulating you to isolate you from your only support network?

THANK GOD you're choosing not to live with him.
Especially as you have no financial security of your own.
You'd end up dependent on him financially - and therefore easier to control and manipulate.

I bet he doesn't even know how to look after a baby, feed, bathe or dress them despite having 6 siblings.
You'd end up looking after 2 kids instead of just the one YOU gave birth to!

Jammydodger1981 · 18/04/2020 18:10

Here’s my tale of woe, OP, just to give a counter to the other side.

Got pregnant at 18 and while living at home, managed to get myself a council place. He was already treating me badly (not abuse but thoughtless behaviour, ditching me for mates, not helping me buy things for the baby) but I was so worried about being a single mum and having that stigma and thinking it was best for the baby that I let him move in. He had never lived alone either and his parents place was filthy as none of them did any housework. What an idiot I was.

He then slowly started the abuse. ‘I pay for everything, you don’t get a say’ ‘it’s all my money, I can spend it how I like’ ‘you’re lazy, you just sit around all day’ ‘no one will ever want you’. I believed him.

He began to drink and leave me scraping money together for food. He did not lift a finger with the house or children. He then began attacking me. No bruises but pushing, shoving, blocking doorways so I couldn’t leave rooms, shouting in my face so badly I could feel his spit going over me. He usually did it when the children were in bed and I fooled myself into thinking they didn’t know. He tried to put it in my head that parents hated me and favoured my sisters. They took me and the kids on holiday, on days out, paid for our shopping fgs.

I eventually woke up after he began to get angry with the eldest as well and got myself a job, worked towards promotion and managed to earn enough to pay the bills without him. The next time he attacked me and he dramatically packed his stuff and left, I didn’t beg him to come home this time. I told him to stay gone. It took me 15 years. I still live with the scars today, even though it’s been years and I have a lovely dp now.

What I’m trying to say is that if your boyfriend is type no 1 like a pp’s partner, he’ll step up and stick around. Move in with him in future. If he’s type 2 like my ex he won’t stick around and hopefully the damage is not to bad to your dc. Just make sure you’re standing on your own 2 feet in case it goes wrong.

makingmammaries · 19/04/2020 06:29

Stay with your mum, OP. This man does not sound much use, unfortunately. I want to warn you against marrying him, in case he tries to persuade/guilt you into that, because divorce is complicated when a child is involved.

miccymaccy · 19/04/2020 06:56

I was 35 when I had my first baby and my mum stayed with me for weeks and weeks! Your plan sounds spot in. Good luck OP and well done for putting your baby first

Anycrispsleft · 19/04/2020 07:07

I think your reasoning in all of this is absolutely spot on. I just wanted to say one thing. You've mentioned that you are worried about his response when you tell him you're not moving in. You're also concerned about whether your living with your mother causes your relationship with him to suffer and that that would cause him not to take an active role in your child's life. I would say that all those reactions would be his choice, and you shouldn't have to feel responsible for those reactions. Yeah he might be a bit disappointed at his domestic situation not turning out how he wanted it to, that's no reason for him not to try to have a relationship with his child. It's really up to him.

Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 20/04/2020 23:10

Hi everyone who replied...
If he is put on the birth certificate what rights does this give him?
I'm just prepared for things to turn sour and I'm terrified of what rights he may have over baby if he doesn't react very well to me not moving in with him?
I know that even such a thing as getting a passport cannot be done unless both parents agree?
I'm not saying I don't want him on the birth certificate I'm just scared of how that's going to affect future decisions...

OP posts:
peppermintcapsules · 20/04/2020 23:13

I would not put him on the birth certificate.

Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 20/04/2020 23:13

I'm only thinking of this as I know how he has been with things in the past. If things don't go his way it's very much like a hissy-fit. If we separate of course I'm not going to deny him the right to see his child, that's not what I'm suggesting. I just know of other people that have had real problems regarding birth certificates and exes making things very difficult in terms of contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 20/04/2020 23:14

@peppermintcapsules
Can I ask why you think this? x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 20/04/2020 23:15

@peppermintcapsules
And what if he asks to see it? How do I 'explain' my decision to him? I know that if he knew he would get really annoyed at me Confused

OP posts:
peppermintcapsules · 20/04/2020 23:16

Because he's been giving you ever indication that he's a very controlling person and that he knows better than you. He doesn't. It's common for abusers to work very hard and for years at isolating the victim and cutting them off from their family. I would move asap and then not put him on the birth certificate. I definitely would not give teh baby his surname.

peppermintcapsules · 20/04/2020 23:20

You don't have to explain any of this to him, you don't need his presence to register the birth. You don't have to show him anything, the certificate is a public record, he can buy a copy if he's so interested. You don't owe him face to face or explanations and tbh I'd not even entertain those because he will become manipulative and coercive and you don't realise how vulnerable you are just now. Moving is considered essential travel so I'd do it during lockdown so he doesn't have the chance to scupper your plans. You might not be able to see it just now, but I'm nearly 50 and I have lost count at the number of women around my age who were you once and had babies with men like this and it has never gone well.

Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 20/04/2020 23:25

@peppermintcapsules
I'm currently at my mums house at the moment, and I plan to move my things here from my flat (that I live at by myself). I won't make him change my mind about that, if he tries. We both love each other and what's best for me is to be at home, and if he really loves me then he'll support me with that, I'll just have to see when I tell him Blush

OP posts:
Celeriacacaca · 20/04/2020 23:36

Agree with PP that your plan sounds a good one and you've obviously thought things through seriously. Look after yourself now and when your baby arrives.

Starksforthewin · 21/04/2020 00:00

He doesn’t sound like someone you should be building a future with. Shame that you got pregnant but staying with your parents sounds like the best option as you’ve decide to keep the child.

Plan your life without him in it. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate, and sort out your birth control. You are so young to have your life direction determined by a bad choice of boyfriend.

Purpleartichoke · 21/04/2020 00:26

You sound very sensible. Prioritizing stability for your child is one of the most important choices a mother can make.

Lolliloo1234 · 21/04/2020 00:54

@Cherrychops100 I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this OP. This time should be as stress free as poss and this is a lot for someone to have on their shoulders, let alone someone so young.

Of course, this is your life and must be totally your decision. However, I implore you, please do not give your baby his surname. The complications from this especially when the child starts school and if you are split by then, can be vast.

hardboiledeggs · 21/04/2020 12:23

You are doing the right thing and you are putting your baby first. Very mature of you to do so. It will be hard but do what is best for you and the baby, if he truly cares he will understand. I met my husband at 18 and been together for 13 years now. It can work but dont rush it, congratulations. Looks like you will be a fab Mum Smile

Cookiemonster92 · 21/04/2020 13:10

OP, you sound like you’ve got a very mature, sensible head on your shoulders! Your mental health is so important, and having that support from your parents is crucial in the early days of having a new baby - it’s absolutely exhausting, and having someone who can help you out without adding stress to your life is essential!

You’re right in thinking that the stress on running a house solely on one income could be damaging for your boyfriends mental health, especially if he has never done it before - now is the best time to save up and for both of you to work on your mental health for your baby, and living together with barely any money coming in, maybe not even enough to cover the bills, whilst running on little to no sleep is definitely not what you need, especially as it seems he can be quite controlling!

Stay with your mum! If he really loves you and wants a relationship with the baby, he will grow up a bit.

Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 21/04/2020 13:13

@Celeriacacaca
Thank you Smile There's also a bath at my mums house which is a bonus Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrychops100 · 21/04/2020 13:19

@Cookiemonster92
Thank you, and yes, along with the fact it's not best for me, to put that amount of pressure on him would make his mental health worse, which is something I don't want to do. As when his mental health worsened last time he had to go on sick leave, which he didn't get paid for as he wasn't on a permanent contract. He also wouldn't apply for benefits, which he was ENTITLED to, because it was too much effort when he planned to get another job soon, and it would 'look bad' to a future employer. That really annoyed me Sad

OP posts:
Lol1973 · 21/04/2020 13:23

I was in a similar situation to you before my LO was born I moved back in with my parents and got my own place not long after. I was with my ex at the time but he didnt have any respect me so I put myself and baby first. He was so upset and angry and I felt awful but looking back now it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my baby and I don't regret it one bit.
You sound like you got a good head on your shoulders and go to your mums where there is love and support waiting for you Smile

dontdisturbmenow · 21/04/2020 14:02

I would not put him on the birth certificate
What a terrible thing to advise. This man wants this baby as much as OP and is as much a parent to be as she is.

Of course he is going to be upset. He's been led to believe that they are a couple ready to have a new family together. Suddenly, he's going to be told that he isn't, that OPs mum will have more or a role bringing up his child than he will and now that he isn't even worth being recognised as the child's father legally? He's done nothing wrong yet!

I think the advice to go to your mum, not put him on the BC is indeed very selfish. You decided to have a child with this man, as you say, it's time to act grown up. You should be moving together with the support of benefits of needed and you could go to your mum or she come to you during the day if you need help.

Give the guy the chance to become a dad and more importantly, a chance to your child to have s dad and bond with him. You are not more important than he is.

usernameannonymous · 21/04/2020 14:35

@dontdisturbmenow
He has been led to believe he is a couple ready to start a family
He hasn't been led to believe anything...
He was threatening to leave me a few weeks ago, said to take care of baby for him. And then apologised for the whole thing and blamed it on his mental health, which is something he does every time his actions are out of order.
No, he is not more important than me... never said that. I'm putting my mental health and my baby first, like I said, there's a train station 5 minutes away, he can visit as often as he is able to.
I'm just not going to move in with someone and be expected to do all of the house work, everything, be cut off from my mum, and be controlled. Not a good environment for baby, who is the one I am putting first.
So no... I'm not moving in with him Smile
Not now but hopefully in the future when we are in a better place.

usernameannonymous · 21/04/2020 14:37

@dontdisturbmenow
He's done nothing wrong yet

You also don't know the full situation...

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