To feel that the predictions and hopes that “work from home” is “the new normal” is setting women back in the workplace?

[Justamassivefart]

I work full time in an international company. I also have three children of primary school age. I like many others have struggled during lockdown to do childcare, home educate and continue my full time job from home and try to show that I am “busy” enough so that I do not get made redundant or be seen as surplus to requirements.

Like many other women I am also the default carer for the DC and also cook and cleaner for the household. The regular childminder is not working during the pandemic which has meant that these tasks also fall to me 24/7.

My husband does not want the children leaving the house or any childcarer coming to ours because of the infection risk.

My husband is a complete nob who does not pull his weight, so I married the wrong person and I recognise it will be different when married to an equal and I do plan to get divorced. But even then I would still have all these responsibilities as a single parent as he does not lift a finger, and works intermittently.

I put a huge amount of value in the space and freedom to wear my uniform and go to work in the morning, knowing the DC are happy at school, knowing that I am independent and pick them up at the end of the day.

So every time I am on a call or see an email from (usually a male partner with grown up kids and wives who have been domestic slaves for the sake of their husbands’ career) saying nothing will ever be the same, work from home is “the new normal,” we can “cut the overheads” of an office, my heart sinks.

If the pandemic is going to repeat and there will be repeated outbreaks and schools again will be shut and everyone again has to work from home and women again become the default carers while holding down a full time job, slowly but surely, I feel we will lose the progress we have made.

Is there a bigger picture here I am missing?

YANBU - yes it will set women back
YABU - you are not seeing the whole picture

Working from home is great when you have childcare. I usually get a lot done. Working from home when nursery is closed and I have a toddler... It's exhausting.

I say this with a husband who does pull his weight.

its an interesting point of view, op

Yanbu op
Care work is invisible. That's why the government could close schools/childcare and simultaneously tell us all to WFH, and homeschool our kids. Because the actual work involved in looking after and educating children isn't valued.

And if you say anything, you get told to work in evenings/early mornings when kids are in bed. As if looking after them all day isn't work.

The way lockdown is being dealt with is just going to increase the perception that childcare is something that doesnt take work. Working women already struggle to do everything expected but we had a period where good employers recognised that and tried to help. I'm worried in a recession following lock down that women are just going to be expected to do it all, or it's their own fault they lose their job.

Caroline Criado-Perez "Invisible Women" has some great analysis of the impact of care work on women.

Caroline Criado-Perez "Invisible Women" has some great analysis of the impact of care work on women

This is an excellent book

Room RO613 Thats an interesting post,I had never thought of it like that before (truthfully).I can see where you are coming from.When I was younger, In my (50s now)there was an expectation that you would marry "well" (just meaning someone with a decent job)! and either become a F/T H/W /Mum or have a "little job" to help out .I had a good job which I gave up and worked P/T hours in a less well paid role as have many of my friends .Only one of us has continued her Career and also had to go to Uni with 2 children and DH!My own DH likes to "help" me around the house and this is not a problem as I am a SAHM now .Women still seem to be expected to shoulder caring for DC and home life unless they have a very on board partner !

Still seems to be a Mans World for sure!

Yes YANBU

I've worked from home for the last 15 years and my husband has always taken his share.

I've worked from home for the last 15 years and my husband has always taken his share.

I had to take unpaid parenting leave as I found it simply impossible. I hope the lockdown is over before my allowance runs off, with the annual leave on top.
My job requires a certain level of concentration (analytics), I am a single parent to a 5 and 6 year old, and just could not juggle it all. Had some very snarky comments from other colleagues too, I am the only woman with young children in the team, and male colleagues almost all have SAHM wives.

My initial arrangement was working 6am to 8am in the morning, then 2 hours after lunch while the children have screen time, and then another 4 hours 8pm to 12 pm. It did not work, I was completely exhausted after a week on this timetable. The holiday club for easter holidays did not offer a refund (of the total booking of around £900) but instead offered "digital" childcare (presumably meaning the children are looking into the screen and someone reads a book to them 8 hours a day).
The other parent (my ex-husband) does not want to be involved. Not sure what I am going to do if the lockdown continues, probably will have to resign.

@firstmentat that is the issue right there. It's all very well for people to say divorce the husband, but that doesn't actually solve the problem does it? You can't force someone to see their children.

So for the vast majority of women in this position they still end up doing the bulk of child rearing while he plays Disney dad eow and you get told you should be grateful he sees them at all and that he pays a grand total of 15% of his salary to keep them.

At least when my ex lived with me he did some work around the house - the stuff seem as manly - gardening, DIY, bins.

Now I have to do everything I did before, plus the gardening too and on less money. Once you've had children you're trapped. My ex was all new man until we had kids, I never could have predicted how things turned out.

Since this started, I've realised that loads of people of both genders essentially use work as an excuse to get away from their families.

Yeah, sucks for them, but I'd argue that they have bigger problems to deal with.

I can see why your current situation is not good for you and sympathise, but YABU

Firstly, this is exceptional trying to wfh while also home schooling/childcare. That will never be the norm

Secondly, women are not a homogeneous group so I don’t think they will all be disadvantaged. Wfh suits me a great deal and gives me more freedom, flexibility brought about by wfh can often help with childcare arrangements

A man, but.

Usually we would have childcare, nursery, school etc. I work four short days a week so I can do the school drop off and so I don’t need to use after school club for too long. I don’t work Fridays, this was originally so my son was only in nursery four days a week. The walk from my sons school to my place of work is forty minutes, his primary school is a five minute walk, so if I could WFH permanently I could scrap after school club altogether if I worked on a Friday.

I was furloughed last week, before that my boyfriend (moved in for lockdown) was essentially doing most of the childcare so I could work, my work isn’t possible with a small child around, it requires statisical analysis so I do have to concentrate. Obviously when it’s calls etc it isn’t as bad. But I would struggle hugely to WFH wih no childcare, when lockdown hit I had to prove I had childcare in place to be allowed to WFH.

@Missillusioned
Same here, only I dont get any regular financial support as ex moved out of the UK. He left even before the youngest was born and sends £50 now and then as an "Easter gift" or "buy yourselves something" (very roughly remembering children's birthday, usually within two weeks) - when only the nursery cost was short of £3K / month. But surprisingly he seems to be an "ideal" dad to his new child (at least judging from social media, yes I am stalking), so I do sometimes wonder if the problem is with me.
I also think that a lot of posters on MN seem to assume that after the divorce lazy men will miraculously pick up their 50% of parenting and providing. I don't know a single case where this actually happened.

“ loads of people of both genders essentially use work as an excuse to get away from their families“

That reads like a dig at WoH mothers.

Many parents, especially mothers, are finding it very hard to do paid work, keep a job, and parent/support distance learning during times when DC would normally be in childcare, preschool or school. Doesn’t mean we want to escape our families!

When I was younger, In my (50s now)there was an expectation that you would marry "well" (just meaning someone with a decent job)! and either become a F/T H/W /Mum or have a "little job" to help out

Good grief @dottiedodah . I don't know where you live, but it must be a very different place from me. I am mid 50s and this is not something I recognise at all

Not only among friends, neighbours, work colleagues, people I know from hobbies, from Church , from volunteering, but nor among the whole bunch of women of my age I meet up with for a reunion each year, who are spread across the UK (and a couple of other countries, come to that).
We, overwhelmingly have careers as much as our husbands.
What an odd bubble you must live in.

Lots of women are in your situation where most of the domestic stuff falls to them. Don’t believe the MN nonsense about having these wonderful men. Parental leave for men - take up is practically zero. It’s predominantly women whose careers take a set back when they have children and continue to carry the burden of the unpaid and unseen work (such as organising the household)

I think wfh can make life easier for many women with children especially single parents. It can cut out commuting time and make the “juggle” easier. It’s not the whole answer but it’s a start.

Your problem has nothing to do with working from home, but everything to with the fact your partner doesn’t pull his weight.

In normal circumstances your children would be at school and wfh would allow you to save commute time

I don’t want WFH to be the new normal and my partner is every bit my equal.
I usually WFH twice a week but I want to go back to working in my office. I’d be gutted if that changed!

I agree that it won't create the changes we might hope for.

I'm at home struggling with my 2 jobs. Dh is out every day. 2 teens are easier than toddlers admittedly, but even though we have brilliant WiFi, it's really slow, and I'm losing some of my conference calls.

I am inclined to agree with you. Afterall is was women breaking away from the home to support the war effort during WW2 that galvanized the whole emancipation movement. We all know that many many men are reluctant to step up and take responsibility for all the boring, mundane unpaid stuff that gets done in the home and there is no reason to think that increased home working is going to change that anytime soon. So I agree, it is a risk that women need to be alert to.