Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is my SIL being unreasonable to expect me to go to her scan

39 replies

Lubyloo · 13/09/2007 22:01

or am I being oversensitive?

I have lost two pregnancies in 9 months. I miscarried in July and then found out a few weeks later that my SIL was pregnant and due exactly a week after I had been. That has been a little difficult to cope with but I have been fine.

Today she rang up and asked if I could go to her 12 week scan with her as her DH will be working away. She didn't ask if I would feel ok with it. Just said she couldn't go on her own so if I wasn't busy could I go. This has knocked me for six. I should be having my 12 week scan. I'm so shocked she has asked. I have been in tears most of the afternoon. I don't know why I have let it upset me so much.

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 13/09/2007 22:39

good grief how incredibly insensitive of her.
I am very sorry to hear about your losses. I would make an excuse tbh and not go.

VeronicaMars · 13/09/2007 23:05

I went through things like this for years while myself and dh tried to concieve, babysitting was a big one, it was like people thought that you might enjoy their babies because you can't have any of your own, but that is just too much and even if she is just trying to involve you it was completely insensitive of her. And someone should pull her aside and tell her so.

kickassangel · 13/09/2007 23:22

ooh, veronicamars, we had that as well, as if their babies could somehow make up for not having your own, when it just makes things worse! i had one friend who was so bad i had to ask his wife to have a word - he kept arriving at the front door, saying 'i brought x for you to play with'
he was trying to be kind!
luby - tell her the truth, she may well be thinking it might help you, or just not thinking & scared that the scan will show problems & needs someone there

hope things start going better for you luby

Princesstandy · 13/09/2007 23:44

I'm in the thoughtless and insensitive camp myself but there's a chance she is trying to help, somehow.
It reminds me of when I'd lost my Mother and my (had to be final) IVF attempt - in the space of 4 weeks. My DH's boss called me to ask me to give his (IVF) pregnant wife some TLC as she was feeling a bit fed up. My response was obviously strained so he said 'Whats up with you - you sound depressed' I heard 'herself' cringe in the background 'for God's sake she lost her Mother a week ago'.
It was thoughtless and insensitive but he was motified when he realised. He is one of our greatest friends and would no sooner hurt me than drink bleach.

I really don't think you should go or it will hang around your head for years if you don't tell her - it will be a solid wall between you for a very long time.
I would be feeling exactly as you are if I were in your shoes - it's only fair that your feelings are known.
I am so sorry for your loss x

Can someone tell me how to spell check pls!

kickassangel · 13/09/2007 23:46

princess - i wouldn't bother about spell checking - so long as you don't ry doing txt talk you can get away with huge typos

Original poster

Lubyloo · 14/09/2007 15:44

Problem solved - have just got back in to a message on the answering machine from SIL saying "I no longer require your services". So all the upset yesterday was for nothing.Wish she had realised she didn't need me before upsetting me!

OP posts:

BarbieGirl · 14/09/2007 15:56

Charming. Why doesn't she require your services anymore?

I think she is very selfish to have asked you to go to the scan in the first place.

Good luck to you for future pg's. I too have suffered 2 m/c's and took ages to get over them Pshychologically.

Original poster

Lubyloo · 14/09/2007 16:13

I don't know why she doesn't need me. I assume her DH must have sorted something out with work.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages BarbieGirl. How are you coping now? I actually thought I had coped ok with these recent losses. I miscarried 3 years ago and that really hit me hard and took me a long time to come to terms with. However this time round has seemed much easier - until yesterday. I've felt very low today as if I'm going through it all now. I need to get myself together.

OP posts:

flyingmum · 14/09/2007 18:36

She does sound very insensitive. Perhaps she realised that after she phoned you. Felt really embarrassed, didn't know what to say and then said she was sorted as the easiest way to get out of it.

Princesstandy · 14/09/2007 22:35

I'd guess she still hasn't got a clue how insensitive she's been. Your sevices are no longer required - nice way of putting it I take it back that she was trying to be helpful in some way as it now appears she has just been thoughtless.
I think you should still point out that yesterday caused you much anxiety.

orangehead · 14/09/2007 22:43

no u not being oversensitive she being very insensitive. i think maybe u should tell her that although u happy for her this is something u cant deal with at the mo, or perhaps get dp/dh 2 have a word. Its still early days for u and really need to be kind 2 yr self. im so sorry for yr losses.

KD73 · 15/09/2007 18:45

I know this is little consolation but my sister has been equally inconsiderate and sometimes, it takes a bigger person to not say anything.

In my case, sister due to give birth in 4 weeks and I had m/c recently and have been told to stop wallowing in self pity and get over it and arrange to meet up.

To avoid a family fall out I will go and see her and her huge belly, I won't mention how hurtful and thoughtless she has behaved ... but I am going to nurse a martini, this being her favorite tipple knowing she has been craving one for weeks now

Elasticwoman · 15/09/2007 20:31

KD73 - don't see why you should meet up with your sister unless you particularly want to. Some one is bossing you around. If I were in your shoes I'd be unavailable to sister till I was good and ready, which I'm sure you will be in your own time.

I do think a pg woman going for a scan should always have some one with her, in case she gets v bad news at the scan. If you find out your baby has no brain,or some other major defect, you should not be driving yourself home. This happened to some one I knew and she said it was terrible being on her own, weeping all the way home.

It was v tactless of the sil in this case to ask the OP. Sorry to hear of your m/cs. Glad you don't have to go and don't have to refuse to go.

mytwopenceworth · 15/09/2007 20:36

Did she actually say "I no longer need your services" Cos that is weird. Do you think she comes on here and read this, realised it's her and is feeling awful? (not that that's your problem, I think she really misjudged things BADLY by asking you in the first place.)

Flip

1 2