Children carers shouldn’t be allowed

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There was a powerful segment in Ch4 news about an 11 year old girl who is the carer of her mother, who suffers from Chronic fatigue syndrome, and 7 year old autistic brother.

The poor poor girl. This is no life for a child.

@TinklyLittleLaugh. I agree with your point about partner walking out. Whether or not parents stay together, one of the issues that is often ignored is the first reponsibility of both people who created a child is that child.

Morally and financially they have a duty. I don't know how absent parents get away with just ignoring the plight some of their children are in. That said, anyone who knows they would struggle to bring up a child (for whatever reason) should make their decision based on what life would be like for that child.

I watched a clip on TV the other day about temporary housing, a young woman with two children was complaining she'd been living in a temporary studio flat for four years waiting to be rehoused. Her youngest child was only months old. Not a disabled parent, but one who should perhaps not have brought another child into a situation she already knew wasn't good.

but the right to have kids is surely a human right

I completely disagree - it's a choice.

@BubblesBuddy A charity paying for a holiday for a child is relatively cheap. Paying for care is very expensive.
And yes most disabled people pay for their care. I think there is zero issue with kids helping a bit. So making a cup of tea or doing a few chores. I have a friend who is a wheelchair user and her son does a few chores, they just happen to be the ones she would struggle with.
But there is a point where kids tip over from chores to becoming a carer.
Sometimes this happens because it is the easiest choice for the adult. So maybe the adult can make a basic meal but is it tough. So gets child to make a basic meal instead.

It's not a human right to have a child. In the majority of cases it is a choice. One which should be carefully considered before you do it.

I have no issues with children helping out a bit. That’s fair enough. The charities could advocate for services not necessarily provide them. I think any child that needs holidays like this is possibly doing too much. It does rob them of their childhood and the circumstances should warrant greater investigation rather than acceptance.

Imo children doing chores is just raising them correctly.

But being a carer is very different to loading a dishwasher or hoovering a hallway (for example).

I agree. I'm mostly not criticising the families (though I've heard some pretty bad examples myself of children being taken out of education primarily to care for a family member) but IMHO where this is truly needed, it ought to be borne in mind by social services so that they provide care for the sick individual so the children don't have to.

ohcaptain just what I was away to say -

there’s an enormous difference between making your mum a cup of tea or doing a load of washing; and sitting with her age 13 as she tells you in detail about the sexual abuse and rape she suffered as a child . Things I can’t ever forget .

That’s the side that’s the very, very difficult part - it’s much more common I think, providing emotional care - but it’s not discussed so much . I can’t remember anyone ever being willing to talk about it - and I did try .

I strongly believe people could have prevented all that from happening . Not by telling my mum not to conceive, not by taking us away but just providing my mum with the right help . Part of me wonders if it’s any better nowadays and if parents would get the right help to prevent these things happening - I was born in 1991 - but I doubt it very much .

I’m so sorry you went through that @toohardforme

toohardforme it sounds like you had some very tough experiences. Sorry you had to go through those things, especially listening to your mums personal trauma.
You are right, there is such a vast difference in the experiences of the children classed as young carers.
Some are not caring for a parent, they can be the sibling of a disabled child and sit with their sibling for a half an hour watching tv whilst the parent makes the dinner for example. The experiences of those young carers will be very different from one who is actually providing care for their parents and younger siblings, cooking meals, cleaning the house etc.
Of course all of these children are doing things that their peers who are not carers don’t have to do but not all young carers are being robbed of their childhoods.
In an ideal world there would be enough funding, understanding, empathy and support to ensure that no child has to be considered a young Carer but I don’t think it will happen in my lifetime.

It’s perfectly reasonable to sit with a disabled sibling but it’s well known that it can be hugely stressful and upsetting to be the sibling of a disabled child. All the attention appears to go to them. The able sibling can easily be overlooked and just seen as a helper. They do, of course, need their own lives and a certain amount of indulgence. It’s a tightrope and some parents don’t understand the damage this causes either.

@BubblesBuddy I follow a family with a child in remission from cancer on Instagram. The account is set up for those following the child’s story etc, and charts their achievements and health etc. they have a younger sibling who, when mentioned, is almost actively slagged off by the parent who writes the posts. It makes me feel so sad.

For example ‘here is our warrior princess with her amazing rainbow drawings. We have so much to thank the NHS for, our beautiful warrior’s life for one! Princess has had an amazing time crafting these today, thank you insert name of supporter here for the new craft supplies that made this happen! Your support means the world to our special princess and I. Little sister also tried a picture, it’s supposed to be a flower (lol!) She is not as good In the creative department as big sis but she wanted me to post her creations also’

Accompanied with several pictures of the ill child with an array of amazingly accomplished pictures and posters, and one of a slightly younger child looking a bit dejected with a picture also.

This is a running theme. ‘Little sis HAD get in the action eye roll emoji’ when posting pics of the ‘main’ child getting to do something fun.

I can’t imagine what they’ve been through, and the support the girls got as she’s been through cancer and into remission is amazing, but god I feel so sorry for the sibling.

In all fairness most families with a typical child and a disabled child don’t deliberately overlook the disabled child. Meeting the disabled child’s basic needs often requires the vast majority of the parents time and energy. They can’t simply leave the disabled child sitting in a spiked nappy for half an hour whilst they finish painting a picture with the typical child. If the family are able to access plenty of appropriate respite then they can dedicate time to the typical child. I don’t for one minute thing most families with disabled children fail to recognise that the siblings are missing out and that this might cause problems especially as they become teenagers but what can they realistically do about it?
Most families are not like the one described by chilli

Chilli that is awful and has made me feel so sad!

I was a child carer. My mum had ME. Managed to marry 3 times and have 3 kids. She had it from aged 18. Instead of stopping at me she thought it was a good idea when I was aged 8 and 14 to have another baby...guess who did all the work when I wasn't at school... My grandparents helped when they could but they were elderly. She would sleep all day. Leave the baby with me. I knew how to make bottles and change nappies. She would then be awake all night. Refused to go to the GP to sort out her medication. Took tramadol plus anti depressants for years. Go never updated anything. My sister. Was on the autism spectrum but not presenting enough to be diagnosed. She hid it well until we got home. My child hood was a night mare. If my mum tried to help herself it would have been bearable. I was emotionally and a couple of times assaulted by her last husband. I had always been there until I got a full time job at 18 and left. I couldn't cope anymore. Suddenly though she managed to look after the kids... And quite well. So fuck knows why it was hell when I lived there

“Child carers” are often well supported. It’s the ones that are unofficial carers to lazy, abusive parents that I worry about.

No child carer gets their childhood back. No child carer gets the life they should have had as a child. No child carer is free to do the normal things a child should due to duties they must carry out. They are not supported enough to make up for this loss. No matter who they care for.

Which child carer stays for after school clubs? Goes to all the team sports matches? Are they even in a team or do they not bother to try? What about family holidays? What about visiting relatives and joining in with local events your parents would take you to? What about those day trips to a museum, a city or a national park? Never happens for many child carers. Child carers have a very restricted life if no adult steps in.

You are right. Adults see it are too sacred to do or say something. My god parents still say now. We can't believe social services never got involved and we were worried about you that's why we stayed friends with your mum.... Yeah that really helped..! Thanks possibly saying something to social services themselves would have helped more than appearing at Christmas and birthdays

As someone up thread said, the definition of 'child carer' has expanded to include too many people, making it really hard to fund.
We have heard here stories of children who are really carers, doing vital things to help their parents. They deserve more support.

However, the resources to do this are diluted by offering support to those who don't need it.

My ds has several additional needs. My Dd is NT. Because she has a disabled sibling, dd has been offered young carers support.
She has refused it, as she does literally no care of him, or me or dh. (She occasionally looks after ds for 10 mins while I got to the shop for milk, but that consists of him watching tv and her in a different room on her tablet. She is 17, so I don't think this is too onerous !)
The support should go to those who need it most.

@GrumpyHoonMain please reread @Totallycluelessoverhere post over and over. Your brother should be doing the work of your 4 year old nephew. That poor boy.

It can be a terrible situation for many children but I can also lead to the career learning a lot. As i child my mum became her parents career so i then had to take care of our home and my brothers. Yes mum did some but I did the bulk along with my brothers. In the long run though it did me no harm and I a better, stronger person for it.

We should fund social care much more though as some children are expected to do far to much for far to long at the detriment of their own happiness and childhood and that is wrong.

@HerRoyalCarbyLess

I know this sounds trite but you sound bloody amazing, I'm in awe of you.

couchlover: have you never thought about what you missed out on? You might feel stronger but many young people are strong without being burdened with caring for a family they didn’t give birth too. It’s a bit like being imprisoned. You might get strength from it but you certainly don’t have freedom.

@BubblesBuddy I don't think anyone would disagree that child carers should get much much more support. To do that we need to vote for a government that will invest more in social services. At the moment the money simply isn't there.

The money has never been there!!! I haven’t worked in a senior role for years but when I did we had considerable concerns about child carers. This was 25 years ago. It’s always been seen as somehow heroic to be a child carer. It gets you a chance to go to an awards ceremony to celebrate your lack of childhood!! It’s never been given any priority. You shouldn’t just think the last 10 years are by any means unusual. They are not.