Children carers shouldn’t be allowed

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There was a powerful segment in Ch4 news about an 11 year old girl who is the carer of her mother, who suffers from Chronic fatigue syndrome, and 7 year old autistic brother.

The poor poor girl. This is no life for a child.

My 11 yo could easily become a young carer if I allowed it.

I have 3 DC. (11, 6 and 4)
My health deteriorated after the youngest was born.
I have autism, ehlers danlos syndrome, psychotic depression and PTSD. I hear voices and use crutches/a wheelchair.
I fell pregnant again with twins. I ended the pregnancy as I knew it wouldn't be fair to continue with it.
Their dad left us in January.
So its just me and the kids and all my disabilities.

I have had to beg for help. DS1 has a heart condition, I had to ask for a CAF to be put in place, I have had to ask my MH team to give me weekly phonecalls as I'm not a priority because I put the kids needs first. I've had to beg to get any support at all from anywhere. I'm currently waiting for DS2 to be assessed for autism, and my 6 year old has selective mutism and delayed speech. I've had to push for phone call appointments from the speech therapist. I've been waiting since DS2 was 2 for someone to finally agree with me that he isn't neurotypical, it finally happens and we get put into lockdown.

Caring for them is hard.
DS1 does help out around the house. He will wash the pots, dust and hoover. He will sometimes make breakfast, or lunch. He never makes dinner, and I always make sure that I do as much housework as I possibly can, so that he doesn't have to. But the younger two are also expected to do chores. They tidy up after themselves, make their own beds, help load the washing machine etc.
They always get time to be kids. But it would be so easy for me to let DS1 take on more and more responsibilities because it is so incredibly difficult for me. But I'm determined that he won't have to do that. There should be other support for us. So until that's sorted ill push through, I'll struggle, my MH will get worse (it already is) and so will my physical health as I have to do things when I have dislocated or subluxed joints and it is incredibly painful.
I take 26 tablets a day. I practically rattle.

I can see how it happens. Its all well and good calling it child abuse but sometimes there isn't another option. The support from other services just isn't there.

Well the mum didn't choose to become disabled but the dad is choosing to swan off out to work and leave his family to fend for themselves during the day.

If she needs carers for her/support with parenting it's equally 'on her' unless the DH is refusing this level of support, then that's a whole other matter!

The fact that the husband is going out to work every day, in the knowledge that his 4 year old is caring for the 1 year old sibling because the wife cannot, is a safeguarding issue. He is knowingly going out to work and leaving the children in this situation. If it was the other way round and the woman was going to work in the same scenario, this would also be a massive safeguarding issue. You do not go out and leave a 4 year old to look after a 1 year old. The wife cannot change her physical situation. The husband however can step up to his responsibilities for his children and stay home. Being a keyworker does not override parenting responsibilities. Either the wife or the husband could ask for an assessment. But until that happens the husband needs to care for his children.

I imagine the number of disabled women fecklessly choosing to have children, in order for them to become their carers is vanishingly small compared with the number of women who become disabled, watch their DH vanish out the door and are forced to beg for help that is not forthcoming from social services.

Yet still we focus on blaming the former group.

The father could simply pay for childcare for both children. He doesnt have to stop work. Like most single parents do.

Well said @TinklyLittleLaugh

I do admit to thinking that it’s unfair to have dc knowing there’s a strong possibility you’ll be stealing their childhood by getting them to take care of you

Where's the limit though? When is a 'strong POSSIBILITY' strong enough? Is having depression a good enough reason not to have dcs in case its becoming worse and you cant look after them?
The reality is that no one can predict the future and many people have illnesses that can get better or worse in time with no way of knowing which way it will go.

I have ME. There are times when I cant cook a meal in the evening because Im so tired. If DH wasnt aorund, I might well 'use' my dcs to cook instead. And then 6 months later, I might well feel quite well and cope with it.
The reality is I cant plan how I will be in 6 months time, let alone 5 or 8 years on. I could hope that after 10 years of being ill, I would be better because thts what happens to most people (but didnt happen to me - How could I have known that??)

Side note: I developped ME AFTER I had my second child and it got progressively worse as my dcs grew up.

@QuestionMarkNow ok but if your ME had gotten that much worse before you had dc, wouldn’t it have given you pause? At all?

@TitianaTitsling Others have already mostly covered it, but: They previously had an arrangement where grandparents helped provide childcare. That has suddenly stopped due to a pandemic. Instead of finding alternative childcare support and staying home to care for his children until that is in place, he is still going to work leaving a 4 year old providing physical care to a 1 year old. His wife can’t change her physical abilities. He can change his behaviour.

Argyl i get it, I do and I'm probably (definitely) being pedantic now, but why is it then his sole responsibility to source the alternative childcare if he doesn't stay at home?

I know a blind person who decided to have a child. Her husband was an SAHD. He took her to work every day. Then he died when the child was 14. The child is now her carer.

I developped ME AFTER I had my second child and it got progressively worse as my dcs grew up

Assuming you aren't Mystic Meg, you had absolutely no way of knowing this though - we simply cannot predict becoming ill. Yours is a very different situation to one where someone brings a child into the world knowing full well that they will become a young carer.

I think a lot of people don,t know what there talking about.

I think to an extent it's ok. A certain amount of children learning to care for people should be a normal part of any childhood, but they definitely need far more support and respite and opportunity to be kids. If the parent is of sound mind and able to be there in an emotional sense for the child then I imagine it's more appropriate than if the parent is incapacitated in that way too.

I think morally, in a decent society, a disabled person should be supported to be able to do whatever an able bodied person can do. So getting an education, holding down a job, setting up your own home, meeting with friends, dating and falling in love and yes, having children.

Think of someone like Alison Lapper or Tanni Grey Thompson. They shouldn’t be deprived of the chance of motherhood. I know times are tough and social care budgets are tight, but the right to have kids is surely a human right and disabled people should be given the help they need to carry out their parenting role properly.

I know a blind person who decided to have a child. Her husband was an SAHD. He took her to work every day. Then he died when the child was 14. The child is now her carer.

Why is the child her carer? Plenty of blind people have children. And if the wife was going to work then that would indicate she was reasonably independent.

I hate the fact children have blighted childhoods due to caring responsibilities for a parent. It’s 100 per cent wrong. Instead of charities providing holidays they need to be proactive in getting care provision. Make the life of the child bearable. The child comes first. There is some care provision available and many disabled people do get help. I’m never convinced all parents fight hard enough for help. Some seem quite happy to burden their DC. Then stop them going to university. Then stop them having a partner .... and so it goes on. It looks like long term abuse in the worst cases and emotional blackmail at best.

I'm severely disabled, and think it's incredibly wrong for a child to be a carer. It shouldn't be a consideration other than perhaps helping with some chores.

However, I would like to point out social services often push it onto the parent because if a child is in the house, they reduce the hours given stating they can do housework etc. The parent often can't do anything about it.

And what a lot of people fail to realise is care is means tested. And I don't mean if you work you have to pay - people on the lowest benefits there are often have to pay hundreds into care a month. So, so many have to go without as they just can't afford it. Many councils treat PIP/DLA as income - which is meant to cover the extra costs of being disabled, and is usually excluded from means tests, but often not when it comes to social care. By being disabled enough to receive it then puts you above the minimum amount the government say you should have to live on.

After that councils are then meant to take away disability related expenses - but severe restrictions were made to that a few years ago, and they now deem things like buying medication, additional washing of clothes, paying for any treatment, paying for cleaning because you're physically unable plus a whole list of other things not to be counted anymore as a disability related expense. As a result so many more people lost the little care they had too.

It's a horrendous situation and this is all caused by government policy.

To be fair, there have been child carers and awards for them for years. It’s not new. I certainly appreciate the problems of benefits but children should not have this life forced upon them.

An award or charity holiday doesn’t make up for what they have to go through, the time they lose not being a child and the responsibility they have no choice but to carry. For many, it will also curtail their adult lives unless they are strong enough to change it.

I don’t know that having a child is a fundamental human right, actually.

It’s a preference more than a necessity for living a healthy, good life.

Food, clean water, shelter are or should be basic human rights.

But reproducing when you know that the child won’t be given a good, even decent life? Is that a human right? I’m not sure it should be...

hands Well at the moment anyone can have a child. I think baby P's mother is having one, although I doubt she'll be allowed to keep it. But what is the alternative? Once we start sterilising people for being a bad parent or a druggy or an alcoholic, will we start sterilising people for being a bit feckless? Once we start sterilising people for being disabled, what then, being a bit thick or unfit or not attractive enough?

I have some skin in the game here, being disabled and having kids myself. Fortunately for us all, my partner stayed around as my condition deteriorated and I have never needed real "help" as such to look after them. They are all pretty much grown up and bigger than me now.

As a disabled parent you are judged from the minute you announce your pregnancy. Personally I felt under massive pressure to do everything "right". Not just good enough but perfectly. Despite being an educated professional woman in a long term stable relationship, I was absolutely paranoid about someone taking my kids away.