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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP is an arsehole right?

98 replies

katieyhy · 14/04/2020 20:52

We moved house 3 weeks ago - we have no DC.

As I was getting a bin bag out tonight I noticed things under the sink were wet. I said to DP and he said he probably just spilled water when he was "cleaning". I carried on emptying things from under the sink and noted a foul smell - definitely a leak.

So I called my dad - DP and I are crap at all things DIY and he regularly asks to get my dad to offer help.

On FaceTime DP gets angry, he starts swearing "fucking hell you were meant to sort the kitchen" in front of my parents. So rude. My dad said not to argue about something like this and I began tearing up.
DP is still swearing and being angry so I've left him to fix it.

His argument is that the leak could have been there since we moved in and I should have noticed it as I did "fuck all" on moving day except for sort the kitchen.

I think I'm losing the will now. DP is a teacher and not doing anything for school - he hasn't been in for a month and isn't due in until his allocated day in 3 weeks. All he's done in the new house is sit on his phone and watch TV. He's regularly causing little spats because he doesn't put his phone down.

I've had enough - help!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2020 20:55

Can you go to your parents? Don’t put up with being spoken to like that by anyone.

AnxiousMama24 · 14/04/2020 20:57

How long have you lived together? And
Been together?

Qcng · 14/04/2020 20:58

Oh dear, yes he is an asshole.

Unless he is genuinely infuriated because maybe there's an element of truth that you didn't do enough during the move? I don't know obviously.

I've been on the receiving end of being expected to do EVERYTHING including all the driving, all the packing, all the childcare, all of the packed meals, all of the unpacking all of the sorting putting away and tidying, everything you can think of during moving about situations (I dread to think how a moving house situation would have been). I couldn't help but snap...

bridgetreilly · 14/04/2020 20:59

He was incredibly rude and that's not okay.

Your second issue is communication - what were you doing on moving day? Why doesn't he know?

Your third issue is fair division of labour in the house. Are you both at home or are you still working? Who does what and are you both satisfied that it's fair?

TheVanguardSix · 14/04/2020 21:01

He's shown his hand nice and quick, which is great! You don't have kids? I'd get my skates on once this lockdown ends, OP.
He's shown you who he is and he's shown you he doesn't respect you or your parents. It's almost as if he wants to hurt your dad (not to mention you, of course!) by showing him how little he thinks of you. He also feels incompetent because he's not the Big Man fixing the leak. If this is how he deals with something like a leak under the sink, imagine how he'll cope with the big guns stuff, i.e. all-nighters with sleepless, crying babies ( they aren't for the weak and angry).

Sorry to be so blunt and to lay it on the line. Flowers

Scarydinosaurs · 14/04/2020 21:02

He is being ridiculous.

Is this typical of what he is usually like, or is he struggling with the lockdown/lack of work?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2020 21:03

Relationships are defined during the tough times. This is a tough time and he is doing the two bad things:

a) not self-regulating well
b) taking it out on you

At least you know now. Sad

Original poster
katieyhy · 14/04/2020 21:05

Before moving, I did every single part of the process. I booked every single house viewing, found the EAs for our sale (ours was complicated and took 18 months and three buyers), did all the paperwork, all the stress, every phone call etc. Which he agreed I did. Before moving, I did equal amounts of packing - perhaps 60% at most.

I booked the van, I organised my brother to come and my brother and removals man did everything.
Once we got the keys, I drove to our old place to hand the keys to the guy moving in ours. In that time DP and DB moved things inside. The actual unpacking of items such as clothes etc would have been me.

I also organised for an oven to be delivered, found the oven, sorted that, and handled it. I began putting everything away in the kitchen as that to me is the most important room, we had no furniture so bed etc didn't need unpacking, just had the mattress. I am very small - I didn't involve myself in the moving of the heavy items as my brother did it for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
katieyhy · 14/04/2020 21:06

We've lived together pretty much all of our relationship of 5 years, our wedding is next year, this is our second house (not at the same time).
I'm 25 he's 31

OP posts:
justforthisnow · 14/04/2020 21:10

You're not married, fantastic. Get out now..

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/04/2020 21:10

It doesn’t matter if what he said had a ring of truth or not, he should never have sworn at you. You need to set boundaries with him - disrespect will not be tolerated and if he dares to do it again he will need to leave.

PerkyPomPoms · 14/04/2020 21:12

I’d hold off on the getting married and take a good look at the relationship

Original poster
katieyhy · 14/04/2020 21:15

I don't mind swearing (probably an idiot allowing it) but I see it as a way of vocalising sometimes - but it isn't nice. In front of my parents though? Out of order.
He was also like "you see "Katie's dad" she was in charge of the fucking kitchen and did fuck all"

OP posts:
MadCattery · 14/04/2020 21:19

I read so many stories here where the obvious answer is to LTB. I am thinking most of the women who ask the question already know the answer but just need that nudge, that validation. It’s a good thing Mumsnet exists and I hope you are listening carefully to what everyone is telling you. I believe you knew the answer before you posted here and you know deep inside that you don’t deserve to be treated like that. If nothing else, postpone the wedding. Do not marry this man.

Thehop · 14/04/2020 21:20

Don’t pay anything else towards the wedding

spacepoppers · 14/04/2020 21:20

Thank christ you're not married and have no kids. Leave this selfish prick of a man child and find someone worth sharing your life with. I can't begin to impress on you the ways this behaviour will manifest itself once you're pregnant and in too deep.

Run.

HavenDilemma · 14/04/2020 21:21

Sounds like he's fed up and so do you. We all are. I've just creamed at my daughter who has been intolerable all day.

Heart to heart. Tell him it's bang out of order to swear at you in front of your parents and that he owes them (and you) an apology.

Gobsmacked people are advising you to LTB because he swore!

HavenDilemma · 14/04/2020 21:22

Screamed*

Bluebooby · 14/04/2020 21:27

No kids and you're not married, I think you should count your lucky stars you've seen this side of him now. You can try the heart to heart thing but I'd seriously consider ending it. In my experience these things get so much worse once there are children involved and by that stage it's so much harder to leave.

DishingOutDone · 14/04/2020 21:28

Get the leak sorted ASAP so its all done when you put the house back on the market and leave this twat.

Nearlyalmost50 · 14/04/2020 21:29

I wouldn't advise someone to leave him because he swore. What he actually did was swore and belittled her in from of her parents, on FaceTime. Who does that? Except a not very nice person. He also criticise her for doing 'fuck all' when she moved. To her own dad.

I absolutely couldn't be having that level of aggression at me in front of my parents.

And if he didn't mind swearing at me in front of my parents- let's guess, he often swears at the OP in an abusive manner.

You are 25, you can start again with someone who would never do this. It's honestly awful.

DishingOutDone · 14/04/2020 21:31

@HavenDilemma Gobsmacked people are advising you to LTB because he swore! - can't see anyone doing that. I can see people are saying this is a massive red flag as he was nasty to the OP in front of her parents, doesn't do his share in the house and is generally checked out of things, and she's only 25 so has a chance to move on.

Even the OP said she doesn't care about swearing.

JasonPollack · 14/04/2020 21:34

Do not marry a man who would disrespect you like that in front of your family.

fuckoffImcounting · 14/04/2020 21:35

Bloody hell, what a cunt. Hold off with the babies with this prince. Is this who he really is?

Nearlyalmost50 · 14/04/2020 21:38

Actually, what he did is he spoke to the OP with contempt.

Contempt is one of the four signs your marriage/relationship is doomed if you believe John Gottman, the relationship guru (I do, he's great). He doesn't say that happy marriages never have touches of it, just that once it takes hold and becomes a way of behaving, basically you are on your way to divorce. The others are criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness. And a lack of positive interactions (I think he says happy relationships have at least 5 positive interactions to one negative and if you drop down below that, it all starts to go wrong).

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